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Am I a bad friend?


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A very good friend of mine has recently moved back to my town after a horrible break-up with her bf and I'm having a few issues with her. I'm not sure if these 'issues' are just me being selfish.

 

We went to high school together and then at the age of 18 she moved away (for uni), I stayed here and she came home now and again. I would ring her regularly. We are the kind of friends that even though we might not see eachother for a long time, when we do then it's like old times. But I'm very bad at keeping in touch and only saw her a handful of times a year and spoke to her about 10 times. Not all my fault though.

 

Now she is back, I have spoken to her nearly everyday as she is low because of her break up. I don't mind that at all because I'm her friend and I'm meant to be there fore her. But what is annoying me is that she rings me constantly but she was never really there for me when I went through a big break up. She has lost most of her friends from where she lived as she knew them through her bf and she complains that all her friends are crap here because we are not social. She is. Also, she lived in a very nice area and now that she has come home she complains constantly about the people who live here and the men who keep leering at her when she goes out (she is quite pretty).

 

I'm ridiculously busy at the mo, and I feel as though I have to drop everything for her when she calls. She never did this for me. I feel selfish and childish.

 

Am I being silly about a minor issue??? This is really bugging me!

 

Thanks!

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This sort of thing has happened to me before so i relate, just with not that type of friend haha!

 

No your not silly, she is. It's fustraiting, very fustraiting when you notice they are not there for you but you bend your back over for them.

I just, don't really involve my self with people not looking for a mutual friendship any more, or at least try my best not to. =S

 

If this is becomeing a problem for you, maybe you should consider backing off a little. Depends what your values are, seems you have high morals, maybe think about what's best for you? ^_^

 

-Dylan

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Thanks Dylan.

I have to admit I haven't been the greatest friend to her. She only moved across the city and I didn't really ever go and visit her. That's because I'm a little anti-social and a bit of a hermit. She knows all this. Also I guess I don't need my friends around me all the time like she does.

She is a good friend and a lovely person, but very selfish. Everything has got to be about her and I don't like people like that at all. How do I go about balancing those two? My hatred for people who are selfish and a good friend who I don't want to lose.

There are other things that have tinged our friendship - things that happened 10 years ago and we never really talked about them. I still can't forgive her for it. I don't want to bring it up now because it seems pointless and it will hurt her.

It is frustrating!

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things that happened 10 years ago and we never really talked about them.

If you value the friendship and want it to continue, then it makes sense to resolve your grudge/resentment even if it is a decade old. But. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to involve her in your process of resolving it.

Also, there are ways of communicating our pain and frustration that have less of a chance of hurting others. (This article could be helpful: http://ezinearticles.com/?Assertive-Communication---6-Tips-For-Effective-Use&id=10259 )

 

I've had similar experiences to yours -- people who I felt were not "there for me" when I needed. In my case, the problem was that *I* never opened up to them that I needed their help and support. (Took me a long time to realize that I was just expecting them to be psychic and to 'know' what I needed...wrong belief, on my part.)

 

Same with the "selfish" people -- it was that *I* never spoke up for my own needs and preferences, and tolerated their crappy behaviours. Again, how were they supposed to just 'know' my feelings, needs and preferences?

 

OTOH, our "friendships" should not feel obligatory, depleting, exhausting and one-sided. After you do express your own feelings, needs and wants (in a kind, empathetic way) and nothing changes, then it will be in your own best interest to make new decisions about what she can and cannot offer you, and if that is good enough for you.

 

It is tough to have to withdraw from a long-time friendship BUT you do deserve to have mutually supportive and encouraging relationships.

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