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I just feel like I'm doing all the work...


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I know this is somewhat long but I'd appreciate it if you'd read it if you had 5 minutes.

 

Let me start off by saying I'm a 20 year old male. I left my country of birth to move to Canada when I was 12. I had a best friend before I moved, but obviously when I came to Canada I had to start from scratch.

 

I've made plenty of friends. I'd say I have 4-5 very very good friends and 6-7 more good friends.

 

But it's always been the same story: It's always been me that's had to arrange everything. I'm always the one that has to call everyone to arrange a get together every week. I'm always the one that has to practically beg them to take days off work during the summer so we can go away to a cottage up north.

 

I literally have to tell them months and months in advance to take days off work so we can go away for my birthday.

 

Anyways, I think it reached the boiling point this past weekend. We were hanging out at a bar watching the game. First of all, my friend John was telling me how his dad had a job for me at his sports store. I told him I don't like doing cash, he replied with: "Are you crazy? He wouldn't let you do cash. He wouldn't trust you with his money!". I just found that a bit offensive and I replied with "Oh yeahh, I'm not trustworthy at all. We've known each other what? 4 years?"

 

After the game, I proposed we go out to catch a movie. John said he'll go home 'cause he was tired. I was disappointed and I think it was visible.

 

I asked my other friend (george) and he said he was tired 'cause he was working all day and he was gona go home to sleep. Again, I was somewhat pissed that the night was gona end at 9:30 but whatever.

 

We were leaving the bar when George sees a friend he works with walking outside and grabs his attention, they chat for a bit and then his friend tells him he's going clubbing and that he should come with. George, without even thinking about it, says ok and looks really excited all of a sudden. So they went out and I went home. John still went home though.

 

It just really pissed me off. And now George is on MSN and hasn't even spoken to me since. I'm fed up and I don't feel like callling any of them to arrange anything anymore. It's really tiring to know that I'm the only one that takes any initiative in our friendship. It doesn't help that I don't feel like I have a best friend. I define best friend as someone that's always there for you, no mater what. Some one you always hang out with, can talk to about anything, etc...

 

Did I do anything wrong? Am I wrong to be feeling this way?

 

Thank you for reading. Appreciate it.

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applebeespepsi

Dear Siber...

I'm in my early 20's as well.... and the one lesson that i've learned, walking this path called life, is that:

 

People/so called friend tend to walk over nice people that actually care about them... WHY? i have no clue

 

The nicer you are to them ... the more they take you for granted....

 

Deep down they want you to invite them out..(ASKING/INVITING THEM MAKES THEM FEEL NEEDED AND IMPORTANT.. yet once you invite them... they turn you down.....

 

You set aside time for them only for them to respond by saying "Im busy"

 

Pretty weird huh? i call it an ego trip.....

 

Believe me i've experienced your situation countless times so believe me when i say " I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND" << and that's an under statement

 

MY suggestions are to leave them alone and allow them to sulk in their own missery... mean while they'll miss the hell out of you.....

 

One day they'll call you ... wanting your company IT MIGHT BE A MONTH FROM NOW OR TWO MONTHS FROM NOW....

whatever the case I BEG YOU not to JUMP at their first invite!!!! SAY something to the affect "I'm busy right now but let's set a date for next week"

 

)i wanna give you an example of my situation mr siber... I have a close friend someone that i care about...... this friend seems busy whenever i initiate ideas to hang out etc etc

But whenever they see me with a table full of friends (sometimes friendly strangers) ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME....

pretty weird huh?

 

I REPEAT Stay away from them dont answer their calls (that is if they ever call) and allow them sulk in their own misery.

find a new friend or SIMPLY enjoy your own company and a new friend will find you...

 

keep my posted mr siber

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Not the love ace

I feel you. This has happened to me plenty of times, and it annoys the hell out me too.

 

The best thing to do is to go no-contact. Trust me. At least for a month or two. It will probably kill you because you'll probably be bored and miserable out your ass, but when you have time alone and think about things it'll help you. Even ignore their calls for a little bit.

 

When you do that, they will miss you like hell. If they are true friends, they will. Trust me.

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Thanks for your replies. Really appreciate it.

 

The thing that's complicated is that I have one friend that calls me and tries to set up plans with me, so should I make myself unavailable for him too even though he tries?

 

It's just so frustrating to know that you're the only one that cares. I would literally do almost anything for my friends, and it hurts to think that they don't care nearly as much about me as I do about them.

 

But even if I ignore them and they call me in a month or two, the same thing will just happen again. Yeah, they'll call to schedule something once or twice, but after that old habits will prevail, don't you guys think?

 

Once again, thanks for your concern.

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Not the love ace
Thanks for your replies. Really appreciate it.

 

The thing that's complicated is that I have one friend that calls me and tries to set up plans with me, so should I make myself unavailable for him too even though he tries?

 

It's just so frustrating to know that you're the only one that cares. I would literally do almost anything for my friends, and it hurts to think that they don't care nearly as much about me as I do about them.

 

But even if I ignore them and they call me in a month or two, the same thing will just happen again. Yeah, they'll call to schedule something once or twice, but after that old habits will prevail, don't you guys think?

 

Once again, thanks for your concern.

 

 

Yes, the old habbits can indeed prevail. That's what sucks. Sometimes though, you should seriously sit them down and talk about it. Even if you have to pour your heart out. Be assertive, and serious and let them know the deal (without trying to argue of course). If they are true friends, they'll respect and understand that.

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Thanks for your replies. Really appreciate it.

 

The thing that's complicated is that I have one friend that calls me and tries to set up plans with me, so should I make myself unavailable for him too even though he tries?

It's just so frustrating to know that you're the only one that cares. I would literally do almost anything for my friends, and it hurts to think that they don't care nearly as much about me as I do about them.

 

But even if I ignore them and they call me in a month or two, the same thing will just happen again. Yeah, they'll call to schedule something once or twice, but after that old habits will prevail, don't you guys think?

 

Once again, thanks for your concern.

 

why would you make yourself unavailable to a friend who is trying? isn't that what you are complaining about?

 

it sounds to me that your approach is wrong. if a friend wants to go out with somebody else and doesn't invite you, maybe it means that you have separate interests. George went clubbing with someone else after saying he would go home. what was your plan? do you have anything in common? do you think it's only the game you had in common and his personal preferences are different otherwise? do you let them arrange things or is it that you want to make them do what you like doing?

 

also, it is hard to get people take time off work yes. I wouldn't expect my friends to do that. you only have so many days off in a year, they probably have all sorts of commitments. unless it's a round number like a 30th or something, I wouldn't expect my friends to take time off every year just for a birthday.

 

try to see it from their perspective. you can't say everyone else is wrong and you are the only one right

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Yes, the old habbits can indeed prevail. That's what sucks. Sometimes though, you should seriously sit them down and talk about it. Even if you have to pour your heart out. Be assertive, and serious and let them know the deal (without trying to argue of course). If they are true friends, they'll respect and understand that.

 

What am I supposed to say? They'll probably just brush me off and tell me that work is important and that they do their best, but they have other commitments too. Which I understand, but sometimes I just wish they would show a bit more interest.

 

 

 

if a friend wants to go out with somebody else and doesn't invite you, maybe it means that you have separate interests. George went clubbing with someone else after saying he would go home. what was your plan? do you have anything in common? do you think it's only the game you had in common and his personal preferences are different otherwise? do you let them arrange things or is it that you want to make them do what you like doing?

 

also, it is hard to get people take time off work yes. I wouldn't expect my friends to do that. you only have so many days off in a year, they probably have all sorts of commitments. unless it's a round number like a 30th or something, I wouldn't expect my friends to take time off every year just for a birthday.

 

I've known him for 8 years. Of course we have a lot in common. I just thought it was disrespectful that he said he was "tired" and then 5 minutes later, he was ready to go clubbing.

 

I always tell them to arrange things, but it seems they never have any ideas, so I'm left to plan everything.

 

I swear, I think that if I never called anyone, we would never see each other - and I don't even know if they'd care.

 

And I do agree that everyone has commitments, it's part of life - but my friends are right up there in terms of my priorities, and it sucks that the feeling isn't mutual.

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Black Magic Ti

Dude, that is the story of my life. I'm 35 and people still act that way. It can be a lonely life with friends like that. But what I try to do is make friends, lots of them. I give phone numbers out and then who calls me back gets to actually spend time with me. It is about mutuality. You are mutually agreeing to be friends. There should be no cajoling going on at all. (within reason of course, some people get lost in their own minds and need a friend to wake them up a bit)

See if you say something to them, then they'll deny it and continue to act the way they did before. It's hard to blow off people that you've made such time and emotional investments in. But in the end, you will find people that are interested in a mutually satisfying friendship.

I would stop calling them and if they finally call you back and ask why you haven't called, just say, "I was waiting for you to call. I know you're a very busy person." If they are worth keeping as friends then they'll figure it out pretty quick.

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Hi Sibernox,

 

Your story sounds almost identical to mine, so I'll share what I've learned in the hopes you find it helpful.

 

I think that you should mention to your friends, in a calm, friendly sort of way, that they should call you up more. I think something along the lines of "call me up sometime and let's meet again" as you are parting. Then wait for them to call. In my experience, they usually don't, but at least you can get them on it next time you see them by saying, "you never called...???" in a relaxed way. Keep in mind anger or lashing out at a friend is not helpful at all, so it is in your best interest to try to bring up the topic in a relaxed, friendly way, but assertive nonetheless.

 

Also, some people are just like that. Even though your buddy decided to go clubbing, notice that he was asked by his friend. I think it would be much worse if your buddy suggested going clubbing. While this still sucks, I'd say not to take it too personally.

 

Finally, I don't think there is any one-size-fits-all solution that is sure to work. Therefore, one way you can "adjust and overcome" is by hanging out with a lot of people. What I do is that I will hang out with one person at a time, and with different people over the course of several days. Thus, I am doing something with *a* friend 3-4 days of the week, but with a different friend each day. That way I don't get too preoccupied by thinking about how people are not calling me, because I am too busy with someone anyway.

 

Again, I am in the same situation as you so I am not an expert or much better off than you are. I am simply sharing my lessons learned in the hopes that you can try some of this out.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Jordanjames

I am going through the exact same thing with this so called friend. I have known this guy for seven years yet I realized in the last few month I am always the one "asking" him to do stuff. I am the "one" that is calling him up and asking him "what" he is doing. It is like "why" should I do this? I realized last weekend I am through. I have gone back to no contact. Although it has only been one week. I feel I have to do this I am tired of his BS. He says he is "busy" when he just can't be honest.

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