worthless? beginning to question 'good' friendship..

[Hoshi]

hello all. i'm new here and i'm having some problems with a good friend of mine recently, so i thought this was the best place to go.

well i say 'good', but i'm beginning to question that at the moment.

sorry this may be quite long but i hope i can get some advice =(

 

basically, my friend and i met 3 or 4 years ago through a hobby club. we're both 'casual' artists, meaning it's not an occupation, but i'm working towards being a professional artist and do some freelancing etc. my main passion is graphic illustration in Japanese manga style. (might sound silly but when you're truly aiming to go professional it's an entirely different story. i'm not just one of those part-time 'fan' artists).

i've wanted to be a manga artist since i was young. it's like my life to me. i self-taught for years and later studied fine and graphic arts in college, gained a lot of experience over the years, pushing myself to the professional level i aim for. currently, as i said, it's not an occupation yet, but i'm getting there. i have a lot of confidence in my skills as an artist, not just in my main graphic style, but all kinds of things like fine art, sculpture, crafts, painting etc. i want to work with every kind of creative medium and consider all of it to be important.

my friend and i shared only our passion for manga-style. she hasn't ever really been into art as a whole and only works with graphic illustration. now, in terms of manga creation as a whole, neither of us are working to a true professional level yet, but we both strive to get the best equipment, develop our projects to perfection, and generally work our asses off to get the finest results possible in the end. this is where the problem arises. i have absolutely no doubt that my friend is equally passionate about her artwork and really works hard at it because she enjoys it. but she's never had any intention of going professional like me, she merely does it as a hobby.

it's great that i have a friend with who i can share my passion and help each other out with our work, but over time i started to get the impression that she simply doesn't respect me as a serious artist. she knows full well that i'm aiming to break into the Western manga business and have a life-long career there.

but, it's kind of hard to explain. i feel like she doesn't give me even a scrap of the support that i give her. i'm not trying to sound like, oh well i want to go professional so you with your 'hobby' can just go sit in a corner while i get famous, but almost always it seems like she's subtly trying to put me down. she's a fantastic artist and i respect her a heck of a lot but to be honest, i'm confident in myself enough to know that i'm fantastic too (i sound really big-headed here but i work damn hard and have done so for all the years when i was still an amateur).

i really don't need to feel like someone i call a good friend is scoffing behind my back because she couldn't give two sh*ts about my work. all she ever seems to do recently is talk about herself. it's always been like that since i met her, but i just brushed it off. now that i'm starting to advance (eg, i just got an exhibition recently, and i'm planning to get one of my recent major projects published to sell in the next couple of months) it seems she's being less and less subtle about it. in fact, almost like she's TRYING to get me to notice what she's doing. i simply don't understand it.

 

in 4 years we've become very good friends overall and spend a lot of time together, we've been through a lot and gotten really close as people, not just artists. in fact i'd not hesitate to call her one of my best friends ever. but this whole thing is starting to heat up recently and it's affecting our friendship in general. i'm getting to the point where i'm annoyed at her and don't want to be around her. she's picked up on my awkwardness and now she's acting like i've pissed her off somehow, although i haven't told her what it's about. i can only assume she thinks i'm just being bitchy for no reason and is acting the same to me, and that's making it even more difficult to approach her rationally. not to mention the fact that i am actually pissed off with her.

 

when i've done something i've worked really hard on and proud of, i want to show her and have her praise, critisism and good wishes for my future projects, because i consider her a good friend- of course people want support from loved ones so they can be strong. but it feels awful when someone i trust like that responds with a mere, 'oh, yeah that's nice. look what i did! i think it's totally brilliant! i wanted to have it like this because i don't like it when (reference to something i've shown strongly in my work before). it's so boring, don't you think?' (continues on ecstatically from there). this is what she does A LOT. sometimes if we're having a conversation about one of her project's storylines, and i'll mention something about one of mine, i can see her rolling her eyes 'discreetly' and sort of pausing for a while before carrying on as though i've said something incredibly offensive. if i start a conversation about a project of mine she'll simply look rather bored and proceed to interrupt me and go off on an enthusiastic tangent about something to do with her. this happened all the time until i learnt to stop trying, but now i'm getting annoyed that she just never seems interested in my work at all and have tried harder. her responses have only become less subtle and now it's like she's not even trying to 'politely' hide it.

she even spurns me when we're around groups of friends or at public conventions where artists gather to share their work. i'm really not a pushy person and although i don't try to hide the fact that i'm an artist, i hate shoving myself in other people's faces to show off to them. if somebody approaches me i'll gladly show them my portfolio or discuss my techniques with them, and i don't deny that i like getting my work attention and praise- but i hate, hate, hate seeming like i'm tooting my own horn. i probably do it i won't deny, it's something artists have to do, but i don't like looking like a showoff. that's my big weakness because whenever my friend and i are in such a situation, she's always the one to jump in and gather all the attention. which is great for her obviously and i like to see her happy for it, but it leaves me feeling more than a little worthless when i'm not even worth a 'oh, by the way my friend is really good too, you should look at her stuff' which a lot of other artist friends and i do when we're in art meetings, so we all get some exposure and help each other out. the thing that bothers me most is i feel like she considers me a rival and treats me accordingly. should i see her as a rival when she's not even trying to go professional? and if she's not trying to, why does she try so hard to push me out like i'm a threat to her? i want her to be happy for me and help me out just like i do for her. i feel like i can't be good enough if i don't have my friends behind me to cheer me on.

also, i feel that thinking these things is being inconsiderate to her pride as an artist. i don't mean to seem like i shouldn't view her as a rival simply because she doesn't want to go professional, but it seems like she's being unnecessarily spiteful, like she just wants to hurt me somehow. and if she's actually a friend she would tell me whatever her problem is rather than putting up a nice front and acting like she's trying to care.

 

i don't want to hurt her by telling her what i really think because i (hope) she's not doing it on purpose. she's incredibly sensitive, and if i go ahead and get into an argument and tell her 'i think you're being really selfish' she'll probably have a breakdown. but that's truly what i think and if i don't confess this our friendship will break down. i'm not sure how to approach her, how to tell her what i've been feeling recently, because it's really hurting me a lot, and i don't to want carry on being friends with someone who is just using me as an audience to gloat. i always thought we were partners in our work and i truly want her support, but i feel like she really looks down on me and wants me to feel worthless compared to her.

 

this whole thing is making me feel like an immature, jealous brat. i feel i simply shouldn't be getting so worked up over something that i can easily brush off. what kind of an attitude is this for someone who wants to be a professional?? am i justified to be angry with her or am i the one who's being selfish? and if i'm not over-reacting then why is she doing this, and how can i approach her without ruining a friendship that i value in spite of all this?

[onefunnybabe]

You need to take care of your feelings like anger and etc. Once you process them and understand your frustrations, anger, etc, then talk to her because you'll be coming from a more centered place and she won't feel like she is being attacked. She sounds like she has issues (who doesn't?) so if you take care of your emotional business, it might make it easier to talk to her and that is maybe why you don't want to talk to her since you haven't done your emotional work.

 

examine your beliefs as well because that's usually the source of why we get upset - having silly beliefs.

[chardonnay]

Friends shouldn't make you feel bad. Sometimes however a person may not be meaning to be spiteful etc, but it may just come out that way. This friend may not realise how it's coming across to you - I would ask her about it if I was you. There is no need to be confronting about it. Just tell her that she makes you feel bad sometimes and that it's been eating away at you.