LilTink Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 Please, I really need your help My b.f. of 15 years has done some things over time that have caused a build up of frustration towards her. I need to know if she is a true friend or not. She always tells me, and other people when I am not there, how much she loves me and would do anything for me, that I am like a sister to her and that I am part of her family. But here are some things she has done that make me question this: Recently I was having a BAD time with my living situation, and went to her in tears asking if I could stay at her place for a time. She said she would have to ask her husband. Later I found out that she told her mother she cannot always be there for me. She also told me that she was worried because she sometimes sleeps in the spare bedroom - what would she do? But she has a group of friends who are coming to visit her in a few weeks from out of town - they will be sleeping there and that is ok. .Another time, I did not have the key to get into my house after a day of hanging out with her, so I went to her place to wait until I could reach someone to let me in. It was getting late and looked like I was not going to be able to. Her then boyfriend told me I could sleep there - she told me to take her car and drive to her apartment (when she had her own place, before she was married) and spend the night there. He kept telling her there was plenty of room for me at their place, and she kept saying for me to take her car and drive in the dark to this apartment of hers. That felt like crap - like she so obviously did not want me there. .She has another close friend who called her one day. She put the phone on mute and started talking to me and the other person we were with, while her friend was talking about her troubles. Me and the other person were shocked - "do you do this to us when we talk to you?" She said no, but we could not believe she was not even listening to her friend. She said, "she just needs to talk. She will feel better when she is done." .Yesterday I called her and left a message to tell her something important that could help her brother. She called later and when I asked if she got my message, she said, "I did not listen to the whole thing. I just wanted to see who called." I felt hurt - I always listen to her messages and everything she has to say. .From time to time I need to talk to her about difficult things in my life (not an all the time thing). She always listens briefly, and then ends it, making me feel like she does not want to really listen. If I try to get her to listen further, she makes up some excuse. But when she has a problem, I will sit for as long as she needs and talk to her until she feels better. .When I was moving, she lived next door and even though she saw me packing boxes, etc., she never offered to help. But when she moved, I helped her pack and carry things out and drive to her new place and unload. Should I re-evaluate our friendship? Is she a real friend or just a fair weather friend? The thing that hurt the most was when she would not let me stay at her place, but is letting friends she hardly ever sees stay. Was that something to be offended by or no? I love her but am frustrated with our friendship, because while she is a beautiful person to hang out with, she always seems to bail when I need her. Please help Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 She's a friend collector. Perhaps she'll have a well-attended funeral. Perhaps this is a difference between men and women but some of your examples strike me as being lack of personal care. In other words, poor personal planning leading to leaning on friends to take care of things. I had "friends" like this when I lived in town and essentially moved to the country to escape them. Think about the times that she's needed to crash at your place, borrow your car or some money until she got paid. Would that answer be never? IDK. Regardless, friends, true friends, do not dismiss people in the way you have ascribed to her. Friends matter. You care. My advice would be to both re-evaluate the friendship and look in the mirror and find ways in which you can be a better friend yourself. Working on self is always a positive thing Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 On one hand, we could say that she has very strong relationship boundaries, knows what she can and cannot invite into her own emotional, mental and physical 'space', and is successful at creating and maintaining her life the way she wants and needs it. All healthy and positive, obviously. On the other hand, that does not sound like what YOU want, need or expect from your close friendships. You have had years to assess her strengths, weaknesses and the limits of what she is able to offer you. Make your decisions from your own logical assessment (not just your emotional attachment to the relationship.) I have no doubt that she DOES love you 100%...based on how SHE knows to love her friends. But that does not mean it is how YOU want/need your friends to express their love. To expect something different from her just because that is how YOU do it or how you want/need it, is the problem. There is a difference in allowing people from out of town to stay with her -- there is a clear cut-off date for when they will be leaving. Her psyche can handle that. It cannot, apparently, handle having someone there for an undetermined amount of time. That is fair enough. It's who/how/what she is and does. I'd say, though, that for YOUR OWN well-being, downgrade this relationship from your 'A' list to...maybe a 'C'? 'D'? And start counting on your other friends who have a greater capacity for emotional intimacy, and to be the kind of friends that YOU want and need. Or, start growing your "support circle" if that's what you need to do to meet your own friendship/social needs and goals. It sucks when we realize that we've been putting in MUCH more than we've been receiving. At the same time, it was our error in the first place, to not realize that sooner, and to think that just because we feel/do something, that MUST be reciprocated in exactly the same way. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilTink Posted February 20, 2009 Author Share Posted February 20, 2009 My advice would be to both re-evaluate the friendship and look in the mirror and find ways in which you can be a better friend yourself. Working on self is always a positive thing Actually, she has often apologized to me in the past for not being a better friend. She has told me that both her and her husband think I am a great friend to her. She has one friend who is always dragging her down, calling her all the time to complain about her life, etc. Her friends borrow money from her and never pay her back, which she hates. She says that she always says to her husband, thank heaven she has me! And she says he agrees. If I ever make a mistake and apologize, she is like "what are you talking about? You are such a good friend to me! I am the one who should apologize for not being a better friend." I know I am a good friend to her because she always tells me that and says she is lucky to have me. I know I do not drag her down by encroaching on her life or constantly dragging her into my problems. I actually hated to ask her if I could stay at her place when I did, and told her that, because I did not want to be a pain, but thought I could ask because we are supposed to be like sisters and I needed her then and would have done the same for her. I forgot to mention too that I have not stayed over at her house in about ten years, so it is not like I am always draining her by nagging to stay there. I have never borrowed her car. (Well, one time I did about a decade ago for a quick drive to the mall, and in high school I drove it once. That was it.) I do not call her to bother her about my problems the way her other friend does all the time. I do not owe her any money. And by wanting to stay at her house, it was not to move in indefinitely, just to get away for a short time. What is a friend collector? Someone who just collects friends but they are not real friendships? She even told me once that she does not have many true friends because of how she is. Well, thank you for the advice :-) I guess I am just confused how she says I am like a sister to her. It does not match up. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 I'm not saying your friend is exactly like this but your OP left me with this impression.... She thinks friendships instead of feeling them. She says nice words, makes obvious gestures and you think you are really on her mind. But, in reality, it's all superficial. A true friend calls you up and asks you how you're doing and can tell by the tone of your voice whether you're lying when you say "OK". Then they really listen and offer support. True friendship is proactive, IMO. A friend collector is someone who is superficially popular. They can be and usually are physically attractive, so they say a few nice words, sound like they like you and find you interesting and then move on to the next one, rinsing and repeating as necessary. People are naturally attracted to them (it's called charisma, but has nothing to do with sincerity) and are satisfied with what they get. Again, describing one dynamic, not armchair dx'ing your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilTink Posted February 21, 2009 Author Share Posted February 21, 2009 A friend collector is someone who is superficially popular. They can be and usually are physically attractive, so they say a few nice words, sound like they like you and find you interesting and then move on to the next one, rinsing and repeating as necessary. People are naturally attracted to them (it's called charisma, but has nothing to do with sincerity) and are satisfied with what they get. Again, describing one dynamic, not armchair dx'ing your friend. That is kind of how it has always felt. She is an amazingly beautiful person as far as her personality goes (and she is pretty, too). I do not think anyone has ever disliked her in her life. People just adore her like no one I have ever known. I mean, she once slept with one of her friends boyfriends and the friend could not get mad at her for it! She has cheated on her boyfriends and they always want her back - desperately. That is how likable she is. So it is hard to be mad at her, because being around her and hanging out is so great. And she always says how much she loves me, and people are always saying how lucky I am to have her as a best friend because she is such a beautiful person. But I have always felt frustrated from time to time, because while she says so many wonderful things to me, her actions never match up. She has an amazingly beautiful personality but sometimes I get frustrated with her character. I guess it is like having someone build you up with all these beautiful promises and then slap you down with their actions. Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
chardonnay Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 She sounds incredibly selfish to me, and actually not a very nice person at all (especially that she slept with a friend's bf?? Who does that?). It's obvious you are feeling slightly bitter that she doesn't do the same things for you as you do for her - do you really want to keep feeling like that? If I was you I would definitely re-evaluate the friendship. I mean what exactly do you get out the friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
applebeespepsi Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 It sucks when we realize that we've been putting in MUCH more than we've been receiving. At the same time, it was our error in the first place, to not realize that sooner, and to think that just because we feel/do something, that MUST be reciprocated in exactly the same way. Hugs. wow RONNIE that's a pretty powerful statement!!!!! and true as well Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 I had a "friend" that always needed help and always mooched off of people, including me. She would call me in the middle of the night to complain about a boyfriend, she never had money so when we went out I alays paid, I would even give her food from my cuboards. I am married and I did draw the line on sleeping over. Then she got married and I haven't heard from her in like 5 years. I had another friend that was too emptionally needy, everything was about her and her problems, even when I had bug problems of my own. I dumped her. I guess I learned not to be an enabler, I also learned that sometimes giving a friendship your all is draining when you have your own life to lead. Now I have very few friends, which is easier to manage for me. I am not always the best friend to have, but I do care and I do try... I say demote her like suggested. Link to post Share on other sites
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