Would you be freaked out by my friends behavior?

[lazlow99]

Right then, I've been mates with this guy for a fairly long time. He's pretty funny and I like him and we get on well etc, anyway,

 

We both moved away from home to University last year, so we're living in different cities now. While I've got on pretty well, made friends and got with a couple of girls, I think he's had a few problems. He told me the other day that all his housemates are moving out together into a new house, and they haven't invited him because he causes arguments etc. When I asked why they'd been arguing, he said it was because he was taking his frustrations out on them about not getting with this girl. Now, he's spoken to me about her a few times, and he seemed to think he had a chance with her, but from what he described she's shown no romantic interest in him at all, and she has a boyfriend. It seemed to me like she was just being friendly and he's taken it the wrong way. They've never kissed or anything, she's never said that she wants to be with him and it sounds like he's got a massive crush. But I can't believe that its lasted for months and has affected his relationship with his housemates to the point that they don't want to live with him anymore.

 

To my knowledge he's never had a girlfriend or slept with anyone, so when this girl showed the slightest bit of interest in him he went major OTT. So anyway, I think he sort of looks up to me. He's hinted that after University he thinks we should move in together. Recently he text me asking what phone I had, and when I text back saying what model and 'why?' he sent me a stupid sarcastic answer, then later said that he wants to buy the same phone (bare in mind he's only ever seen me use it once). He's now got the same phone, and it just makes me think, why couldn't he make up his own mind without copying me? Another thing that annoyed me, is that I'm going to be near New York for a couple of months in the summer (we're from the UK) working at a summer camp, and he said the other day that he's thinking of coming over for a couple of days when we could meet up. Now this would be a massive inconvenience to me seen as I only have 1 day off a week, I don't know my way around the city and It'd be an hour on the train to get to NY, and frankly I don't want to have to spend time with him when I'm over there to get away from everything and enjoy myself and meet new people. Also I've noticed that if when we talk on IM, he's started using phrases that I use, that he'd never used before. And one time we met up and I was wearing a shirt, and the next time we met up he was wearing a similar one (it was a style he'd never dressed in before).

 

Now I probably sound like a major a**hole for talking about a friend like this, but I wish he could just do his own thing without encroaching on me and what I'm doing. He really needs a confidence boost and a kick up the arse. What do you guys think?

[Ronni_W]

No, you're not being disloyal to him or acting like a jerk.

Obviously you have developed your "young adult" skills in a broader way than he has -- you're ready to become your 'own person' and find your own unique place on the planet -- YOUR own style, your own goals, your own needs, your own phone model.

All of that is normal and healthy.

 

Where you haven't developed quite as much yet: Setting healthy personal boundaries and mastering assertive, positive, effective communication skills.

 

I'm getting that you feel it is a choice: EITHER do what you want and need, OR keep him feeling happy, safe and confident.

Wrongies. There is no choice. Do what YOU want and need, and learn how to express WHY you're doing that in a clear and kind way.

 

He is responsible for his own happiness, emotional safety and confidence. You can support and encourage him in his own endeavours, but it's not on you to teach him how to be a well-functioning adult.

 

That said. A few suggested links for your own growth and development, that you can also share with him. "Hey, I've been looking for how we can start to act like real grown-ups -- you know, figure out who we are separate from our parents and siblings and peers, become more self-reliant and self-confident, crap like that. And I'm starting to hit on all kinds of good stuff. I'm gonna be sharing what I find with you, so we'll always be on the same page. But. If you get sick of it, tell me to stop sharing and I will."

 

Emotional intelligence: http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm

Intro to Assertive Communication: ezinearticles.com/?Assertive-Communication---6-Tips-For-Effective-Use&id=10259

Bunch of different tools & techniques: http://www.richbits.com/RBArchives/backissuesRBNEW.htm

(For him) Loss of love: http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm

(For him) Anger management: http://www.apa.org/topics/controlanger.html

 

For both of you, book #1: 'Ruling Your World: Ancient Strategies For Modern Life' by Sakyong Mipham. (A b/day gift for him, perhaps?)

Book #2: By Anne Katherine. 'Where to Draw The Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day' or 'Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin'.

 

 

If you still can't get with him in NY in the Summer, and it gets to where you have to say something, "Sorry, bro. I can't make it this time, much as I'd love to catch up. There's just too much that's coming up about my own growth and development, and I don't want to later regret not taking this opportunity. I'm totally working all that crap I've been sending you! How are you making out with it? (Or, ...that I started sending that you asked me to stop sending...so, I'm not really sure if you'll get why I need to forego my trip to NY this time.)"