How do I build a social life at 30?

[nionio]

How do I build a social life at 30? Or how do I get better at building/maintaining casual relationships?

 

So, I've been meaning to ask this for a while. I've concluded that I suck at making friends. I'm also pretty sure that I suck at keeping friends. I want to change this. It's seems like a gyroscope, tough to get started but a lot easier to keep going once it's going already.

 

It can't be as hard as I'm making it as most everyone seem to be doing it just fine. It seems to be effortless for most people.

 

WHERE I'M AT

 

-Work full-time in a very challenging job (lots of interaction is necessary and good communication skills are vital, by the way) and I'm good at it

 

-Live in a conservative area. Most people are married in their early 20s here, part of the culture. Lots of very religious people here (the majority) who are generally inclusive. I'm not religious, at all. I think it's a limiting belief to say that I can't be friends with them, but there are some real, widely known difficulties with doing so. My experience is mixed.

 

-College full-time, at night, 4 days a week. Will finally be done at the end of the semester. Have been doing this for 6 years straight (not always full-time). Class has not provided few social opportunities as people don't generally converse much. It's a commuter campus. It's also at night, so by 9pm when we get out, everyone is beat and just want to get home, including me. My energy is gone at this point.

 

-Generally outgoing, tons of acquaintances, but few friends and seem to be unable to turn acquaintances into friends. Lack of trying, lack of know-how, and fear of rejection play into this, although I do try sometimes

 

-Getting very few invites. Sit home most weekends. Don't like it.

 

-As a kid, I always had a few close friends, or a best friend. Not popular, didn't care, never tried to be, didn't know how to be, although I wish I knew how now

 

-I'm very friendly in-person but since I'm so busy, it's like if someone isn't in front of me, they don't get any mindshare. I know I'm bad at keeping friends. I don't call them often, if hardly ever. Feel weird calling dudes to see how they are doing anyway. I don't invite people to do things, partly because I like I don't have time, partly because I don't have a crew to do things with, and partly because none of my hobbies are social ones.

 

-Everybody seems to be into sports. They're only attractive to me for social reasons. I'm 30 and I don't know how to play most of them. It would be weird to join some team or league or something and not know what I'm doing at all.

 

-I don't stink, am attractive, fashionable, have some disposable income, confident, etc. I actually smell good, haha.

 

-I'm not creepy or a perv or antisocial. I might be a little weird or quirky, but who isn't?

 

-After searching the net, everybody always seems to say "go do what you love" or "find some hobbies". Easier said than done. I have lots of hobbies, I just have little time for them, and none of them are really social, nor are they very conducive to meet people I would consider similar to me. I'm learning to play the drums, play video games, learning to snowboard, produce dance music. I workout, random times and frequency, equipment at home. Would be into camping, hiking, biking, roadtrips, clubbing, traveling, etc if I actually had people to do those things with. I also am into entrepreneurship and startups. Most of my 20s was spent in a few startups of my own (like the bootstrapping sort where you are locked away trying to get things off the ground with minimal overhead), which left me with little, if any, time to socialize.

 

-The friends I have now are few and far between. There's one here, there's one there. Most are married and doing that whole thing. Not really interested in living it up like a single person, going out, etc. I'll see them occasionally, go to lunch or dinner or something. If I'm lucky, I'll get them to party a little.

 

-I'm not on facebook. I don't really want to be, but I'm starting to feel like I need to be. I did myspace a few years ago, I guess I'm over it. I don't like the time it sucks up. I don't like how it tends to replace real social interaction, to whatever degree.

 

-Have had an average number of girlfriends. These type of relationships come a lot easier to me. But I have yet to maintain a girlfriend and have an active social circle at the same time.

 

WHERE I WANT TO BE

 

-Would like a small crew of somewhat like-minded people to run with. Do activities, go out, hit the bars, try new things, etc.

 

-I would prefer that they were similar to me, outgoing, attractive, into similar things, have goals in life, going somewhere, etc. But I realize you can't necessarily choose your friends..or can you?

 

-Want to know how to turn acquaintances into actual friends. I must have missed learning how somewhere along the way, because I suck at it, girls and guys.

 

-Want to get invited, be included by others. There is nothing quite like the sting of not being included. Don't want to invite myself...tried it once, really awkward, haha.

 

-Want to meet new, preferably cool people. Don't know how or where. I could re-join the dominant religion and take advantage of that. Lots of people similar to me there, except with a magical worldview that conflicts with a lot of things, like the simple pleasures of imbibing and being vulgar/non-PC occasionally. There are always a zillion church activities going on, plenty of people my age, although mostly married.

Not an option because I think the religion is bogus and intrusive, but it's there. I've heard about meetup.com. It seems to cater to an older crowd than me. Singles or mixer-type events seem to be freakshows around here. Tried those a couple of times anyway.

 

-Having friends creates more opportunities to meet girls, too. Always good. I can make it happen anyway, but it would help. Plus I would assume girls think it's a bit odd that I don't have a group of friends..

[thrillaveza]

what i've learned in my social experience (at which i still suck at due to being shy) saying "hi" takes you very far than saying "good afternoon/morning/evening". perhaps you could make a facebook (it does not seem to hurt) or some other social networking sites. you can join a local forum of any interest that you seem to enjoy and socialize with other people.

 

if you want to do the non-internet way of socializing, you can of course mingle with the regulars at bars, co-workers, OR you can try to mingle with people at the parties you go to. it is hard for me to meet new people as well because i usually wait for people to talk to me. especially in school, but within the time being i end up developing good social skills. but when every semester starts, the cycle starts over. just advice, you should be the first to talk to people because, perhaps they too are shy.

[nionio]

thrillaveza: I've been working on the small talk thing a lot over the past year or two. I used to be pretty introverted. Now, I'm usually the one that speaks first. I've got the small talk down more or less, it's moving in any way beyond that trips me up. Not that I try much, but with acquaintances (and I'm talking people that I see often), it would be pretty awkward to try and get them to hangout and to get rejected/turned down/whatever.

 

I was really hoping school would be a place to foster this. I haven't found it to be. Take tonight as an example. I get there a couple of minutes early. Strike up some small talk with a couple of people nearby. Class starts, ends. People are tired, it's dark and freezing. People scurry to their cars, not much socializing. I do sometimes strike up a conversation with someone walking out near me, but it's really basic small talk. Not sure how to turn it into anything more..

[Jenny123]

Believe me your not alone, your life seems very busy. If a colleague or some-one grabs your attention-bite the bullet and say do you fancy grabbing a coffee sometime.

I have moved Countries to return home and ran into a few old friends from home.

Alot of women especially, girls having babies, sitting at home lonely. Career gals. People that have been in relationships ended.

Facebook, Bebo.i'm surprised some people requested to be friends-it works though.

I sit at home at weekends too!!

Could be better, but hopefully changing with job change, Country change-Again!!

Good luck;)

[lazlow99]

Friends come and go, I've found the best thing is to be happy with who you are. I have friends who know lots of people, but don't have any true friendships. And I've hung around with some people who are such idiots that I'd rather be at home on my own than around them. Real life isn't school, everyone usually has their own stuff going on and if you don't fit in with each others schedule then you probably won't hang around together.