Lucy Posted September 9, 2002 Share Posted September 9, 2002 I vaguely knew this guy from around my university campus and always thought he was pretty hot. Anyway, we got introduced by mutual friends one night and to cut a long story short I ended up going back to his place and sleeping with him. It was an absolutely amazing night, he was great in bed - in fact, it was probably the best sex I've ever had. I knew I didn't want a relationship with him, though, as through the night I realised that we didn't particularly suit each other and besides, I had just come out of a long term relationship. Well the next day he shows up to class and apart from a polite nod he completely ignores me. I was incensed, and I didn't know why. Then when I called him to ask if he could bring my earrings into class for me he gets his FRIEND to deliver them to me, even though he was only sitting the next row down! I though this was incredibly immature behaviour but so what, I got over it. Then last week he apologised for being an a**h*** and said he hoped we could be mates, he even gave me a hug. I was relieved he came to his senses and everything's been good since. The problem is, my friends now refer to him as "the mistake" and say judgemental things like, 'well I'm glad I don't have one night stands...' The truth is, I don't regret it at all, it was a fantastic experience and even though he was a jerk for awhile, I never wished I hadn't done it. So am I some sort of amoral, self destructive person? I hate that my friends aren't more open minded about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Raven Posted September 9, 2002 Share Posted September 9, 2002 I think that your friend is not very supportive. You should ask your friend to keep his/her comments to his/her self. This is your life and it's your decision... I personally don't see the harm in occasional 1 night stands, so long as both parties involved know that this is happening. It's one thing to lead someone on, and then get what you want and ditch them...but it's another to go into it knowing that's all that it is. Link to post Share on other sites
shizngiglz Posted September 9, 2002 Share Posted September 9, 2002 In my opinion about him, (even though it's straightened out now, and your not really asking ) he was scared that you may have been "in love" after the night together and possibly expecting something more from him.....once he realized you weren't, he was cool again. As far as your friend goes...... she's jealous........plain and simple. (if he's hot, like you said he was, she's mad that SHE didn't get to sleep with him.) she feels bad because it wasn't her. So, in turn, she wants you to feel bad about it also................ just an opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Thoughts Posted September 9, 2002 Share Posted September 9, 2002 It may be best to keep your one-night-stand escapades to yourself (and hope your partner doesn't blab either), unless you are proud of the incident, in which case...who cares what aybody else thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
Tracey Posted September 10, 2002 Share Posted September 10, 2002 Ignore the post above Lucy, it is crap. No one should have to keep their sex life "a secret", especially from their closest friends. I agree with shiz, it sounds like your friends are jealous more than anything else. I used to have some really good christian friends from school who turned into complete bitches whenever I brought up the topic of sex (which I was having, and they weren't). They became judgemental because they didn't really understand what I was talking about or how to react to it. They're married now so we can discuss these issues but it was really awful when I felt that I couldn't talk to the people closest to me. It's a shame that your friends are so conservative and judgemental; they are probably just sexually frustrated. My advice would be to let them know how you feel, that it hurts you when they speak adversely about your fabulous sex life. If they are true friends they will take this into account and be more open minded. If not, you will probably feel awkward discussing sexual issues with them for a long time, and I suggest you go find some Cosmopolitan-readers to be friends with. They know a lot about this stuff! Link to post Share on other sites
Jonarsh Posted September 10, 2002 Share Posted September 10, 2002 no offense to you tracey...but from my point of view, I think that o.n.s. isn't the 'moral' thing to do, everybody knows...Of course from a general guy's point of view, I'd love the thought of having a free cake and eating it...guys are always into that, everyone knows... I feel that o.n.s. is just that temporary moment of enjoyment, and boasting to friends after that... Every issue in here is very judgemental, depending on the individual's point of view, there's no one wrong n no one right. I just feel that o.n.s. isn't gonna be fair to your future life mate, if he/she gets to find out, or how'd you feel if you found out that he/she's have been sleeping around just for the sake of pleasure ? I don't think you'd just say "nevermind" rite?? Just my pt of view.. Jo. Link to post Share on other sites
Jackie Posted September 10, 2002 Share Posted September 10, 2002 Sorry Jonarsh, but I don't see sex in terms of 'morality'. Like the majority of young people out there who aren't chained by religious doctrine, sex IS about pleasure. So why not go out there and have as much as you want? I don't see it as particularly sacred; it is merely a physical act that produces great sensations. As long as you are careful about it, no harm can be done. And I don't think that Lucy was 'boasting' to her friends afterwards (not that there's anything wrong with that by the way). It sounds like she needed some support from her friends, in a time when she felt confused. And they acted judgementally instead of helping her. I don't agree that everyone has to 'judgemental' when it comes to sex. How about tolerating other people's viewpoints instead of wagging your finger at behaviour you are too frigid to understand? And why would it not be "fair" to someone's "future life mate" (I assume you mean a husband or wife?) for them to find out that she or he had slept around? Everyone has a sexual past; more importantly, not everyone gets married or expects the person they DO marry to have "waited" for them. That is truly something that isn't practiced much anymore, Jonarsh. Where do you live - with the Landover Baptists?? Link to post Share on other sites
Jonarsh Posted September 10, 2002 Share Posted September 10, 2002 Sorry to you too jackie...like I have mentioned, every issue in here is very judgemental to each individual... Since you say that everyone should has as much sex as they can simply because it's pleasurable, then I guess all the ppl in the sex industry would be rich...get my drift? Which also means that sex is simply just for fun, not for love or whatso ever... I'm not that religious and I think you misunderstood my point. What I'm trying to say is that it isn't that 'moral' to deliberately go out there looking for o.n.s. , if it happens as a coincidence where the person, mood, time and place is just right..then I have nothing to say... I know you have to accept ppl's sexual past, cause frankly speaking, a person's sexual past isn't everything you have to consider in whether you want to have a relationship with him or her...cause in this society nowadays, sleeping around is not being condemned...I would say it's being promoted.. Don't tell me if you met a girl next time whom you think might be the one...and she tells you that she has numerous o.n.s. before she met you, you wouldn't even feel the pinch? Hey, I'm neutral here...just stating my opinions.. Jo. Link to post Share on other sites
Jackie Posted September 10, 2002 Share Posted September 10, 2002 I think that you're getting 'morals' confused with 'ethics', Jonarsh. Nevertheless, I still disagree with your views here. How is the sex industry of any relevance? The fact that people have one night stands doesn't have any bearing on the economic activity of the sex industry. In fact, it probably LESSENS the demand for things like porn films and vibrators because people are out there ACTING on their sexual urges with others rather than feeling the need to supress themselves and orgasm alone. And if your main problem here is with people deliberately LOOKING for one night stands, then it isn't applicable to Lucy's situation. She did not meet up with this guy with the intention of having sex with him. It's just something that happened at the end of the night. Regardless, I don't see any logical reason why someone who has a one night stand after looking for that situation is any less 'moral' than someone who has sex with a stranger in the heat of the moment. If anything, we should be concerned about the LATTER because they aren't as prepared (meaning with condoms etc). To say that a guy would "feel the pinch" if his new girlfriend admitted to having slept around before she met him is part of the double standard in this society that I for one am loathe to perpetuate. My current boyfriend, for example, has slept with over 20 different girls before he met me. I was nonchalant about this. Yet when I confessed to sleeping with 7 to 10, he took it really badly. Like, because I am a girl I can't have a healthy sex life? Like girls should be more 'virginal' and 'pure' because of their biology? You say you're not religious Jonarsh, but your sexist attitudes are derived straight out of the bible. I think it's a shame that this is the way males have been conditioned to think in this day and age. Link to post Share on other sites
Jackie Posted September 10, 2002 Share Posted September 10, 2002 Oh, and as a postnote, my boyfriend is now grateful for my wealth of sexual experience because it makes me a better lover. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted September 10, 2002 Share Posted September 10, 2002 My definition of a friend is someone who will tell you when you are screwing up big time, but will still love you and support you no matter what. I think it's good that your friends are being open about their opinions. Now it is MY opinion that they seem to be a little harsh about it...and that would be fixed if you would just talk to them and tell them you appreciate their thoughts, you just wish they were more gentle in their delivery. If you want a friend who will agree with your every word...get a dog....otherwise whats the point? Unless you just really have a thing for ppl being stuck up your ass.... Link to post Share on other sites
Jonarsh Posted September 11, 2002 Share Posted September 11, 2002 hey jackie...I really think you got me wrong here. 1. First of all, you said that "So why not go out there and have as much as you want?" Might as well tell everyone to go look for hookers rite? Thats what i meant by the sex industry 'blooming' 2. I think you are taking this whole thing into your own context. Just because you think this way doesn't mean everyone have to follow...I din't ask anyone to agree with what I said did i? 3. Sex is about bonding together with the one you love..not just doing for satifying each other's sexual needs and urges..common fact. Like I said before, I'm neutral here, stating my comments. I did not say you were wrong in anyway did I? You like your steak, I like my chicken...everyone has their own opinions to everything...frankly speaking, I don't understand why are you getting so worked up in here and scrutinising everything I have said... Last but not least, you must remember that we are here to help lucy, in fact this forum is all about sharing or thoughts n ideas to everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
honeybee255 Posted September 11, 2002 Share Posted September 11, 2002 The way i see it in my opinion is that its your life. You dont live your life for your friends or to entertain them. So you had a one night stand..Your with him now, what you wanted..who cares what they think. Yes there jealous that they didnt get no action. If you have guilt about it then move on. If its that bad, well your an adult now and you made the slipup, but there is no sense in beating yourself up over it. Ive been through it, im not trying to be rude in anyway..You live and learn. But the best thing what i learned from it is I dont give a $%#@ what anyone thinks of me. If i did, I wouldnt have no personality nor no life. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted September 11, 2002 Share Posted September 11, 2002 OK like I've been married and in 3 serious relationships, and I made love for the first time last night....words can't describe it. And I hope I'll never have less than that experience again... Link to post Share on other sites
butterflyz Posted September 12, 2002 Share Posted September 12, 2002 very involved thread here. Lucy: there is nothing amoral about a one night stand. everyone would be a hypocrite if they condemned it. the main thing to ask your self is the following: -you felt like crap when he ignored you (so have i when i've been in similar circumstances) - so obviously he is immature - try to pick mature men in the future who can handle the imbalance of emotions or don't do it - because you might end up feeling like crap after it's over. if the man's actions don't bother you - hooray. i always felt like crap after the times i did it, no matter how many times i told myself i can be like other women i knew and separate sex from emotions. sure, in the moment i was a very sexy, hungry kitten - i wasn't thinking about the "after". -you felt like crap when your friends placed their judgment on you - were they concerned about your physical safety? were they concerned about your health? were they being prudes? i think that you need to decipher want their intent was and go from there. but, what i've learned is - if you don't want any opinions, don't tell anyone. everybody has an opinion, and usually people are hypocrites. Link to post Share on other sites
x_matt Posted September 9, 2003 Share Posted September 9, 2003 From a mature guys point of view... One night stands are fine as long as you are comfortable enough with yourself to deal with the "day after". Even though i am a guy and we are supposed to be guilt free on these occasions i too have felt horrible the day after. If you feel fine with the experience then who cares what others think or say. Sex is fun, sex is an experience not to be saved or to be cherished, that is called making love. There is a big difference between the two. I know this, 99% of the women i come in contact with are mature enough to know this too. Whats wrong with having sex when you are in the mood...you eat when you are hungry don't you? Again, just my opinion... Link to post Share on other sites
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