Problem with an old friend

[Lisa0]

I have a friend that i have known for about 4 years. In the course of that time, we went from being aquaintances to really good friends to roommates. Then, about 18 months ago, she got married, and our friendship pretty much dropped off. She wasn't around as much anymore, and when she was, she had developed a totally different personality, almost taking on that of her husbands. They both began to be sarcastic, and teasing, almost in a hurtful way toward people. So, sad to say, it really didn't bother me that we weren't hanging out anymore. I've heard through other friends that they felt the same way.

 

Anyway, after they had been married over a year, she began to call me again, usually from work, wanting to go to lunch and stuff.

But i found myself wanting to avoid her. I felt guilty as heck about this though, but the times that we did go out, i just wasn't having fun anymore.

 

Anyway, to the point. She found out she is pregnant, and of course i was happy for them. But, being that she doesn't really have any other close friends, i realized that i should probably be the one to throw her a shower. I live in a small studio apartment, and my sister and i decided to combine our efforts and have it at her house. Since i told my friend about it though, she has been calling to tell me who to invite, (people i don't even know) and making sure that i send out the invitations and tell the guests where she is registered for gifts! I'm beginning to be annoyed to say the least. What do i do? And how can i get the point across that i don't enjoy our time together much anymore? Obviously not returning calls and declining lunch invitations isn't working. Am I being a jerk or do i have a legitimate complaint?

[quankanne]

You're a really good person to take on a baby shower -- for anyone! I've only done two in my lifetime, and that should earn my enough Brownie points for heaven, I figure. While you're friend is being an ass, she's got some good points: believe me, it's so much easier getting a guest list from mama-to-be, as well as finding out where she's registered, because a lot of times, guests don't have any clue what to get the baby, and this gives good ideas, whether or not they actually buy the stuff at target or dillards or wherever she's registered. It saves you a bit of time. At least it did when I held a shower for my niece. (a map on back of the invitations also is a good idea, complete with address and phone number of the party place listed).

 

Logistics aside, maybe it's time to have a heart to heart with this person and tell her that while you are happy about her impending baby, and that you want to help out by throwing the shower, you don't appreciate her being so dang obnoxious about it. You prolly could find a nicer way of saying it, unless she's to the point where you have to be very blunt about it. Maybe this will clear up the air some, make her see how she's being, maybe it won't. But if you continue to feel uncomfortable about the whole situation, you need to tell her immediately that you're having second thoughts about being a hostess and ask her to give you names of in-laws or other friends willing to take over the honors.

[midori]

It sounds like you've decided that this is a person whose friendship you can do without at this point. I'm a bit puzzled as to why you volunteered to host a baby shower for her -- was that perhaps to demonstrate to her that you're such a good person that, despite how neglectful of you she has become, you're willing to go to such an effort for her? You might want to figure out your real motivation for this generous offer, knowing why you're doing it might help you to draw the boundaries more decisively.

 

As for the shower itself and her input into it: my understanding is that a bride or an expectant mother should have no input at all into a shower except to provide, at the request of the hostess, the names and addresses of people to invite. E.g., when I threw a bridal shower for my friend a couple of years ago I asked her for the names of coworkers or other friends that she'd like to have. It's up to you and your sister as to how many people to invite -- and whom. Usually it's a good idea to invite close female relatives of the expectant mother, but you're certainly not obliged to invite unknown friends, etc. if you don't want to. You're not obliged to host a shower for 30 people when you were only planning on 15.

 

Lots of people have bizarre expectations when it comes to "their" events (weddings, births, etc.): for some reason they think the rest of the world owes them presents, and that everyone remotely affiliated with them ought to come to a standstill and accommodate their wishes. You're doing this chick a favor, extending your hospitality to celebrate the birth of her child. If you're uncomfortable including registry info in the invitations (as I would be because it's extremely forward and gauche to do so), don't include it. You could write, along with RSVP: "please get in touch with me if you have any questions," so if invitees want to know where to go and what gift to buy (rather than choosing one themselves) they'll ask you.

 

You've already offered to host the shower so it's really too late to change your mind. But why go to any lengths on behalf of such a poor friend? Don't let her walk all over you. Tell her up front: "my sister and I were planning to invite aa, bb and cc" and to be honest I think we could only manage a get-together for that number of people. Since I don't know the people you're mentioning, perhaps it would be better to have them come to another shower hosted by one of your other friends." If no one else is throwing her a shower that ought to give her some food for thought.

[Tony T]

Friendships change and evolve. When a friend gets married, often the friendship becomes very different.

 

When they come back after a year or two, when the marriage starts settling down into the norm, it kind of pisses you off a little...but I've learned to understand.

 

I don't see anything at all wrong with her suggesting people to invite. After all, she knows all the people she knows...and you don't know many of them.

 

Once the shower is over, I think you ought to re-evaluate this association to see if she is somebody you really want to be friends with at this time...that's the real issue. I promise you, when she has a baby, she won't have two minutes for your friendship and then she will seek other ladies who have babies.

 

I just suppose that's the way it's supposed to happen, but that doesn't make it feel any better.

 

If you're not enjoying her friendship anymore and she's not taking hints, once the shower is over you might just talk to her...like you said. But if you can wait until the baby is born, you won't even have to mess with it. You'll never hear from her.

[velvet]

Put as much effort into the shower with all the kindness your heart is willing to give. Does it not suck when you say your going to do something and than you later feel like you wished you had not made the offer. At this point you feel like you couldn't even attempt to go through with it.

 

One way to keep it as simple as possible is to consider throwing the shower somewhere where the food is already prepared and you don't have to clean up, like a restaurant perhaps. Just an idea.

 

Although you feel like this shower will make no difference in the shape of things to come from your friendship, have fun what ever you do for her. She should be very appreciative toward you. If not, its her loss and she could very well realize it later. She sounds like shes going on a head trip. More power to her!!