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please help me


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Old 22nd April 2002, 8:41 PM   #1
Crystal185
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please help me

I posted here once already,my name is Crystal but i see someone else uses that name so I will add 185 after my name from now on.

Here is my request for advice:

My friend Mike,who I have known for 3 years is in love with me...but I feel nothing in that sense toward him. we met off an internet dating thing and well have been friends since then. I have known he has liked me since we met. He never said he liked me untill a year and a half after we met. I never really gave him an answer as if I liked him or not because I didnt want to hurt his feelings. well it eventually came up later and he told me he basically loved me . It took alot to tell him that I just wanted to be friends,and basically after that he brung it up alot as to why I wouldnt give him a chance. Since I have known him I have had relationships and never told him about them to avoid hurting him,he found out about a few and was hurt alot by them so I didnt tell him any more. we have continued to be friends but all he does is act depressed and sad around me and very quiet because I wont be with him.I started seeing someone lately and went to a club I know he frequents with his friends,I didnt think he would show up and well he did right in the middle of me making out. He was staring at me and I feel so bad about it. I dont know if we can be friends after him seeing me kissing another guy. I want to be his friend still because I have been for 3 years but he is in love with me and dont want him like that. He wont get over it and gets very emotonal and I just dont know what to do. Can this friendship be saved?

any advice will help (I hope)
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Old 22nd April 2002, 9:33 PM   #2
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Re: please help me

I'm not sure I see what you're getting out of this friendship. HIs motives are clear enough: he's hoping that time and proximity will change your mind about him. For the record, he's not interested in being your friend. And he makes that clear when he mopes because you won't be with him. What kind of friendship is it if you have to hide your relationships from him, lest you hurt his feelings?

I think you both need to get some relational courage and integrity. You need to admit to yourself that this guy is hanging around because he's hoping you'll become his girlfriend. If that's not going to happen then you need to be up front with him about it. By avoiding the topic with him, by hiding your relationships with other guys from him you are, wittingly or unwittingly, stringing him along. Not cool. If you're straight with him, it becomes his decision: get over his crush on you and enjoy your wonderful qualities as a (real) friend, or move on and away from you. You're not doing him any favors by being vague or evasive about your (lack of) feelings for him. Sometimes it's cruel to be kind. This would be one of those times.

It's flattering to have someone in your life who is sweet on you, even though you don't return the sentiment. It might even be reassuring to know that if you got really lonely that this person would be there as a fall back. Do you really like Mike as a friend? What do you like to do with him -- is he a movie buddy? A drinking buddy? An exercise/or shopping/or Wed. night TV buddy? Is he someone you can really really talk to (and do you talk to him about meaningful things?)? Is there really a friendship here to be saved? You might want to think about that a bit before you start going to lengths to keep him in your life.
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Old 22nd April 2002, 10:36 PM   #3
Crystal185
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Re: please help me

Me and mike are just hang out buddys,we usually just go get stuff to eat and ocassionally see a movie.We hang out about 2-3 times per week.I have told him I just want to be friends. He knows that but still he cant except it. I told him I dont feel for him like he does for me. Any other suggestions? Thanks for that response Midori,It was insightfull.

anybody else intersted in helping me?
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Old 22nd April 2002, 11:20 PM   #4
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Re: please help me

You should leave him alone. You have helped him go through pain over a year now. I think it would be best that you keep contact to a minimum.

Quote:
Me and mike are just hang out buddys,we usually just go get stuff to eat and ocassionally see a movie.We hang out about 2-3 times per week.I have told him I just want to be friends. He knows that but still he cant except it. I told him I dont feel for him like he does for me. Any other suggestions? Thanks for that response Midori,It was insightfull. anybody else intersted in helping me?
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Old 22nd April 2002, 11:47 PM   #5
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Re: please help me

I dont think I have helped him,he put himself through all of this.I have told him that if he wanted time away he should take that time but he wants to see me. we have agreed to stop seeing one another tonight untill he can get past this so I hope things can be ok in the furure. I have tried to be a friend to him,I didnt realize the depth of his feelings.I dont want to hurt him at all. I value our friendship.

does anyone think we can be regular friends after some time has passed?
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Old 23rd April 2002, 7:02 AM   #6
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Re: please help me

You know you don't want him and you know he wants you.

Now after reading the posts you probably know he is waiting for you to change your mind, and by going out with him as friends you are leading him on.

Put yourself in his shoes, pretend you are the one who wants him and he doesn't want you.

Imagine how it would feel to you if he knew you wanted him and didn't want you back, yet went out with you afew times a week.

You are not in his shoes so you know exactly whether he has a chance or not. By putting yourself in his position you can make your decision accordingly, based on his best interest...

Please put him first and you will know the right thing to do.
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Old 23rd April 2002, 10:20 AM   #7
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Re: please help me

it sounds like you're waiting for someone to tell you that what you're doing to him is okay.

attention is so nice, being liked by someone else is a great thing. please admit to yourself what's really going on here-- that you really do enjoy having him around to dote on you. who wouldn't like that? especially if you enjoy his company and he's a generally good person...

the general consensus on this situation seems like it's "back off for his sake. he's really getting hurt." it's easy to justify to yourself if you keep telling him that you don't like him. i've been in this situation before-- in YOUR shoes, not his, and from what i recall, actions speak louder than words and i bet he wouldn't be hanging around if you weren't giving him some kind of encouragement with your actions-- flirting, calling, etc.
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I dont think I have helped him,he put himself through all of this.I have told him that if he wanted time away he should take that time but he wants to see me. we have agreed to stop seeing one another tonight untill he can get past this so I hope things can be ok in the furure. I have tried to be a friend to him,I didnt realize the depth of his feelings.I dont want to hurt him at all. I value our friendship. does anyone think we can be regular friends after some time has passed?
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Old 23rd April 2002, 5:46 PM   #8
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seems you guys have it wrong

I dont like that he likes me. I just want him to feel for me as a friend. Nothing more. I do NOT flirt with him at all. We are just pals of the oposite sex to me. I feel very uncomfortable when he speaks to me about his feelings. I dont want him to feel that way towards me at all. I want him as a friend and nothing more at all. He told me he was getting over me and that was a over a month agao but he still acts the same. Now that he saw me with another guy saturday night he is crying and feeling so depressed. He said his dreams shattered right before his eyes. we have said we wont see each other for a while so he can get over this,but now he is asking me to see him once more for just 5 minutes so he can have a last memory of me as a good one. I dont think this is a good idea because he will probably just end up crying and make me feel even worse than I do.

what to do....
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Old 23rd April 2002, 7:47 PM   #9
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Re: seems you guys have it wrong

I agree that seeing him again is not a good idea. I repeat what I said earlier, I don't see what you're getting out of this so-called friendship. Accepting what you say, that you've been clear & consistent in conveying to him that nothing more will ever come of this, he's being grossly unfair to you in burdening you with his hyper-sensitivity, etc. Sounds like he's been dishing out major guilt trips, without a shred of justification. If he has known the deal all along, he has the responsibility to figure out whether or not he's capable of being your friend. Clearly, he's not. And he should have recognized that a long time ago and left the scene altogether. A friend is happy for his friend's happiness. He doesn't ask her to hide things from him. He doesn't make her feel guilty because she doesn't want what he wants. If, privately, he felt an occasional twang or a bit of angst, fine. That's life. But it's not cool to make it your problem, when you've been up front with him. He has no right to subject you to repeated bouts of his melodrama.

I'm sorry but I don't think this sounds like a friendship. I can't imagine why you tolerate it, but it does sound like you need to put an end to it. Don't meet him. He needs to move on once and for all. Tell him it's best that all communication between the two of you cease for the next year.

And be careful that you're not, despite your best intentions, sending mixed signals to him. Be firm about this. He's overstepped the boundaries of friendship and he's making a nuisance of himself. Let him know that you're ceasing communication with him not only for his sake (which a deluded mind could misinterpret as a grain of love for him that could be nurtured into something else), but to spare yourself further episodes of unreasonable melodrama. Yep, he might be a bit embarrassed. Based on what you've said about the situation & his behavior, he ought to be embarrassed.
Quote:
I dont like that he likes me. I just want him to feel for me as a friend. Nothing more. I do NOT flirt with him at all. We are just pals of the oposite sex to me. I feel very uncomfortable when he speaks to me about his feelings. I dont want him to feel that way towards me at all. I want him as a friend and nothing more at all. He told me he was getting over me and that was a over a month agao but he still acts the same. Now that he saw me with another guy saturday night he is crying and feeling so depressed. He said his dreams shattered right before his eyes. we have said we wont see each other for a while so he can get over this,but now he is asking me to see him once more for just 5 minutes so he can have a last memory of me as a good one. I dont think this is a good idea because he will probably just end up crying and make me feel even worse than I do. what to do....
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