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Truly speechless....


Star Gazer

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Here's the shortest version possible:

 

One of my BFF's was with this guy for 4 years. She recently learned that he's been living a double life by carrying on a relationship with another girl for TWO YEARS. Identical relationships, identical lies. He even did the same thing for them on Valentine's Day. He's been cheating on each of them with the other. He's literally the scum of the Earth. The girls learned about each other through MySpace of all places, and ended up meeting in person to share their truths.

 

After 3 weeks, my BFF has decided to get back together with this scumbag, and they're even planning the wedding!! She says he's her "one." She wants us (her friends) to welcome him and support him.

 

I cannot and will not do this.

 

What do I do?

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If I were in your shoes, I would tell her he's a scumbag and while you'll be civil to him since she loves him, you won't welcome or support him. She's asking way too much from her friends.

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Be polite, restrained and nonjudgmental. Your BFF is an adult, her eyes are open. Her reasons for wanting to marry this guy are, to her, compelling. She's invested a lot, and now she wants her return.

 

Be there for her when the whole thing crashes and burns. Remember, you owe no duty to him. She's your friend. Stand by her even as she marches down the aisle into the fire.

 

The only time intervention should occur is when there's risk of tissue damage. This duplicitous loser will break her Heart, not her bones.

 

If you come down too hard, you'll jeopardize your friendship and leave her more isolated and defensive and place her deeper under his sway. Be alert for the law of unintended consequences.

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Her friendship is sooooo important to me. This is literally breaking my heart. :(

 

I just don't think I can do it for my own sanity. Close friends' relationships - particularly when there's as much deceit involved as there is in this case - can affect me just as much as my own.

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Her friendship is sooooo important to me. This is literally breaking my heart. :(

 

I just don't think I can do it for my own sanity. Close friends' relationships - particularly when there's as much deceit involved as there is in this case - can affect me just as much as my own.

 

It all depends what you're asked to do. Obviously, you need not make this joker your best friend, justify his behavior or embrace him--literally or figuratively. Your BFF would be wrong to demand that you take any such "embrace him or else" steps.

 

On the other hand, biting that sharp tongue of yours would not spell the end of the world. Your BFF knows about the OW, the long time deceit. Nvertheless, she wants him to be her husband. Not the most prudent choice, perhaps. But it's her choice nevertheless. If we've laerned anything from slumming here, SG, is that Eros and Rationality are rarely on good speaking terms.

 

Sometimes preserving a supportive friendship trumps a harsh denunciation. You can be nuanced and critical without burning bridges. It's all in the modulation, counselor. ;)

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Her friendship is sooooo important to me. This is literally breaking my heart. :(

 

I just don't think I can do it for my own sanity. Close friends' relationships - particularly when there's as much deceit involved as there is in this case - can affect me just as much as my own.

 

True, but what she needs now is your support, not your judgement. Being a friend is about being there when you're needed. she's taking a chance on this guy even though she should know better. You should tell her your concerns but assure her that you trust her intelligence and whatever her decision you would be by her side to pick up the pieces when the douche does it again. That's what love is all about.

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Are you sure it's not jealousy? Maybe your real motivation is wanting her to be single. That way you get more of her time and attention.

 

On second thoughts, it sounds exactly like that.

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Are you sure it's not jealousy? Maybe your real motivation is wanting her to be single. That way you get more of her time and attention.

 

On second thoughts, it sounds exactly like that.

 

Absolutely not. In fact, when they were still together (before either of us knew what he was up to), I had just as much time with her as I do now.

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Tough situation, knowing that your friend may be in for a world of hurt. You can let her know you're concerned, but beyond that you'll have to support her if she sticks it out with him.

 

Besides, if she starts complaining about him after they're married, you can just say, "I told you so." LOL

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It has nothing to do with you Star this is HER life, her decision, not yours!

 

If you are a true friend you will tell her how you feel in a diplomatic way and then just be there for her and accept him for as lomng as she does (which hopefully wont be long)

 

Nothing you say will change her mind all it will do is divide you as she will see you as getting in her way of what she percieves as happiness.

 

You know what he is like and how scummy he is but she does not seem to know this!:confused: She will probably learn this and when she does, just be there for her!

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IfWishesWereHorses

One of my dearest friends started dating after being alone for 7 years. We were all terribly happy for her. Eventually though, we came to realize that this guy was a complete loser scum bag. Cheating and lying about finances. I tried to discuss a few things with her by simply initiating conversations about them (the finances in particular). I watched her go through a devistating divorce, lose everthing she had, start her life over with her kids and only air matresses and furniture people would give her, to becoming independant, and completely comfortable and cutting down to 2 jobs after working 3 plus occasional odd jobs.

 

To this day, with it staring her in the face she is indebt beyond belief while her no good husband sits home every day.

 

Some times you have to let people make their own mistakes. I lover her to death, I will never say I told you so (I never actually told her what a jack ass he is, just tried to point it out) and I will be there to help her pick up the peices. That is all you can do as a true friend.

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Lishy - I don't think I need to say a peep to her about my thoughts on this matter. She knows. She prefaced her wedding announcement by saying as much.

 

For certain, I WILL be there for her when this crumbles.

 

My problem is with her request that I (and our other close friends) welcome him and befriend him, and give him another chance because she is. I don't see how it will be possible to be in the same room with him without throwing him stink-eye, let alone playing buddy-buddy friends with the ahole.

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I only keep a very small circle of truly close friends, and one of the reasons I do, is that I am intensely intolerant of people who make really, really bad decisions for themselves.

 

I will stand by my friends til the end when bad things befall them beyond their control, but I have no patience for people who don't have the sense to help themselves.

 

Star - you know nothing good is ever going to come from their union. How are you going to navigate your friendship going forward when he cheats again (or marries the other girl while married to your friend), etc.? You know more of the same is in the offing...

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I think you should try to do it for her sake .. You only have to be civil you dont have to be his best friend. You know what they say ... "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer" At least you can watch out for her

 

When you have got over the shock you may be able to do that

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I know this other girl. Exchanged emails with her this evening. He spent the weekend begging for her back as well, saying that if he could go back in time he'd leave my friend for her, blah blah blah. I have no doubt he said those things.

 

I don't know what to do...

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There is nothing you can do!

 

Be honest with your friend, if she does not know what he said to this other girl then tell her. Dont leave yourself regretting a thing and then just watch her make her own decisions as that is what she will do!

 

It is a hard predicament but you really have no choice. Sometimes we have to stand back and let our CHILDREN make terrible mistakes and that would be even worse.

 

I am sure she will be fine, and deep down she knows what she is doing

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I know this other girl. Exchanged emails with her this evening. He spent the weekend begging for her back as well, saying that if he could go back in time he'd leave my friend for her, blah blah blah. I have no doubt he said those things.

 

I don't know what to do...

 

I agree with Lizzy that you should tell your friend about this.

 

 

For certain, I WILL be there for her when this crumbles.

 

My problem is with her request that I (and our other close friends) welcome him and befriend him, and give him another chance because she is. I don't see how it will be possible to be in the same room with him without throwing him stink-eye, let alone playing buddy-buddy friends with the ahole.

 

If she is hell-bent on marrying him, then there is not much you can do about it. As much as you can't force her to dump that guy, she can't expect or blackmail you to get along with her bf. Just because you are her friend, you have no obligation to hold her hand while she jumps off the cliff.

 

I would see if you can remain friends, doing things together where you and that guy won't meet. That's what I have done when I didn't get along with a gf of one of my friends. But given that she wants to marry him, that probably won't work.

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I know this other girl. Exchanged emails with her this evening. He spent the weekend begging for her back as well, saying that if he could go back in time he'd leave my friend for her, blah blah blah. I have no doubt he said those things.

 

I don't know what to do...

 

Tell your friend. Ask her if she wants to be part of a polygamist triangle...

 

A dear friend of mine being in this situation would have my full attention, whether I wanted it to or not. I would definitely be angry, and since my friend won't listen, would probably say something to him about it. That he needed to take this elsewhere. I don't think I'd care how my friend would react, either. In the short term, it might be tense, but when the fog lifts, she'll probably realize you were right.

 

The "I told you so" moment I would try so hard to avoid.

 

Or, if she knows and doesn't care if she's one of many, then there's nothing you really can do, but if she's under the delusion that he will change, then I would call him out and keep a close eye.

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So get this. I'm laying in bed, snoozin'. It's the middle of the night, and my phone rings. Who is it? HIM. He wants to talk to me, wants her friends to know "how much he cares." He specifically wants me to know that while he's a bad guy now, he can change. That he will change, because he loves her. :rolleyes:

 

I remind him that he didn't have some "accidental" slip-up. He lied and deceived two wonderful women for TWO and a HALF years! Over half of the time he's even known my friend, he's been lying to her. She fell in love with a complete lie! (I'm literally yelling this into the phone.)

 

After telling him he's a sociopathic liar and completely effed in the head, I tell him, "You're too selfish to know what true love is. Even if you really do love her, that's not enough. TONS of guys would KILL to love her."

 

I also asked him if he thought she could do better, if she deserved better than him. He said she did, but that HE WANTS to be with her so HE WILL.

 

He's such a selfish ahole that even knowing being with her will cause her more hurt, even knowing there are a million guys out there who would treat her better, HE doesn't care because it's not what HE wants.

 

In trying to "make nice" with her friends (like me), he calls when HE wants to. In the middle of the g'damn night. I can't believe this asswipe.

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So get this. I'm laying in bed, snoozin'. It's the middle of the night, and my phone rings. Who is it? HIM. He wants to talk to me, wants her friends to know "how much he cares." He specifically wants me to know that while he's a bad guy now, he can change. That he will change, because he loves her. :rolleyes:

 

I remind him that he didn't have some "accidental" slip-up. He lied and deceived two wonderful women for TWO and a HALF years! Over half of the time he's even known my friend, he's been lying to her. She fell in love with a complete lie! (I'm literally yelling this into the phone.)

 

After telling him he's a sociopathic liar and completely effed in the head, I tell him, "You're too selfish to know what true love is. Even if you really do love her, that's not enough. TONS of guys would KILL to love her."

 

I also asked him if he thought she could do better, if she deserved better than him. He said she did, but that HE WANTS to be with her so HE WILL.

 

He's such a selfish ahole that even knowing being with her will cause her more hurt, even knowing there are a million guys out there who would treat her better, HE doesn't care because it's not what HE wants.

 

In trying to "make nice" with her friends (like me), he calls when HE wants to. In the middle of the g'damn night. I can't believe this asswipe.

 

I would be fuming. If there's going to be any changing, it should be before getting married. He needs counseling. His path of destruction is going to be vast.

 

Call him for the next week in the middle of the night and hang up.

 

Sorry your friend is mixed up with this loser; I hate that anyone would knowingly put themselves in this situation.

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