Turning a Girl Down

[Tacgnol]

I've never expected that I'd be someone who'd A) be posting on an advice site like this or B) be trying to figure out how to turn someone down, and yet here I am. I generally consider myself able to handle my own problems but I've asked all my friends on this one and I'm really in a corner. I'll try to keep this brief; I can elaborate later if needed.

 

I'm currently a junior at college and a freshman whom I met at Freshman orientation this year clung to me as a friend when she first came. Understandable since everyone needs a friend when they first come to school. I figured it would wear off once she got to know people and get used to college.

 

It's been over a month now, however, and not only is she still persistant, it's almost a bit creepy. She IMs me every day several times even if I ignore her and calls me almost every day even though I don't pick up. She's also started coming to my room occasionally.

 

I've tried dropping hints that I'd like to be friends, but she doesn't seem to get anything. In fact, she just seems to come back stronger. Whenever she wants to do something I say I'm busy hoping she'll take the hint but she doesn't. She's also started trying to chat with my friends as well, which makes me really uncomfortable.

 

I keep hoping the whole thing will blow over and she'll eventually just realize I'm not interested, but she keeps pushing back with more force. One of my female friends said I should just give it to her straight, but I don't want to be an ass and just say, "look, I'm not interested in a relationship even though it's obvious you are. Let's just be friends, please stop stalking it's making me uncomfortable." I'm getting to the point where I'm having a hard time simply waiting it out. Any advice welcome (within reason).

[Suiyobi]

Heh, let me guess... the girl ain't hot, right? Because if she was, I'd bet you'd like her to call/IM you everyday, and even welcome her into your room.

 

Anyway, I'd give her the talk if I were you. Easier said than done, I know, but sometimes you just gotta give it to people straight.

[Tacgnol]

No, please don't stereotype me like that. She's not unattractive, she's just socially still a freshman in high school. If I didn't know her and spoke to her for a few minutes after just meeting her I'd say she was 14 or 15, not 18. There's nothing "wrong" with her, she just has a lot of growing up to do.

[Suiyobi]

Relax, I was just kidding about the first part of my post.

 

In all seriousness though, as I said before, you really should tell her up front about how you feel. I think it's the only thing you can do at this point. Think about it... suppose this girl likes you (beyond friendship level of interest), so you telling her that you're busy makes her want you more because you seem so unavailable. Likewise, you could make yourself seem more available to her but then that could backfire in the sense that she'll be more than happy to make sure she spends time with you. The only thing you can hope for at that point would be that you hang out together so much that eventually she grows tired of you, but then that would mean you putting up with so much as well. So in the end, you might as well just tell her straight up how you really feel. It'll be up to her to "grow up" and realize that you don't really want her to be around you so much.

[High Plains Drifter]

Relax, I was just kidding about the first part of my post.

 

Hey, I read your first post, and thought: DITTO!

 

 

And I still think its a little weird for a college junior to somehow reject a girl because she's a college freshman, and "she's just socially still a freshman in high school?"

 

I say: GET OVER YOURSELF TACGNOL.

[D-Lish]

You have to be straight up with her.

She's not getting the hint.

 

The next time she calls to do something, tell her you have a date.

If she reacts with questions- you can go on to tell her you have always only thought of her as a friend.

 

Please understand, that if she continues to be persistent... you may have to get firm with her. The more you hide- the more she'll seek you.

[Green]

I was once straight up with a girl and it sucked so now I'm all smoke and mirrors. heres what you do ... Block her on Aim or what ever she is instant msging you with delete her and block her on facebook and myspace and if she asks just say you don't know what happened, and constantly tell her your busy or have to go when shes talking to you and ignore her as much as posible... Do not confront this head on... I warn you do not. Oh and if she is kinda hot then I ask have you had sex with her? or kissed her?

[Tacgnol]

I really like your logic Suiyobi, your second post helps. It's a difficult fact to face, but it's a difficult situation. I never thought that by making myself more inaccessible she would seek me more.... That still puzzles me because I've been interested in girls before that left similar hints by ignoring my IMs or being ambiguous about my requests to do stuff, so after a few tries I got the hints and gave up. I guess saying that I was "busy" just means "get back to me later." D-Lish also develops upon this.

 

As for KMT's comment, I don't see complete avoidance as being a reasonable solution. I think it'll really hurt her feelings and make her mad and not solve anything. It's a small campus, I don't really have anywhere to go.

 

I don't really get what High Plains Drifter is saying - would you date someone who's immature?

[Isolde]

I mean, just tell her. She can take it. Maybe it'll even help her begin to grow up.

 

I've been rejected a lot in my time and let me tell you that it's kinder to explain than to just ignore her.

 

Unfortunately, it looks like you have a borderline stalker on your hands, good luck! lol

[Green]

I really like your logic Suiyobi, your second post helps. It's a difficult fact to face, but it's a difficult situation. I never thought that by making myself more inaccessible she would seek me more.... That still puzzles me because I've been interested in girls before that left similar hints by ignoring my IMs or being ambiguous about my requests to do stuff, so after a few tries I got the hints and gave up. I guess saying that I was "busy" just means "get back to me later." D-Lish also develops upon this.

 

As for KMT's comment, I don't see complete avoidance as being a reasonable solution. I think it'll really hurt her feelings and make her mad and not solve anything. It's a small campus, I don't really have anywhere to go.

 

I don't really get what High Plains Drifter is saying - would you date someone who's immature?

 

dude I've found ways to hide in jobs... i once had a job that no one knew I worked there for the first month and it was a small place... anyways my point is out right rejecting a girl is like russian roulette for many reasons. I've had out right rejections go horibly wrong but once I learned the ancient art of mysteriously disapearing on a girl my life was good. Be like nija and figure ways to block her like chess. have people sit around you. always be busy and taking phone calls that cause you to leave the room then sit no where near her.. get a phone call every time shes around and walk away. I'm telling you confronting her out right like these novices want you to could have her going around talking crap about you, she might ask you something insulting like if your gay. Look at the way super hot girls reject people, the smartest and most attractive ones reject you in a way that makes you feel cool like they say they have a bf but if they didnt or they just always act busy and show no signs of anoyance untill you figure out that there just always saying they are busy.

[Tacgnol]

Actually, when girls do stuff like that it makes me feel like a worthless piece of **** that isn't even worth their time.... I appreciate your input but I think I'll have to face the gun on this one (to use your roulette metaphor) rather than take the coward's way out.

[Green]

Actually, when girls do stuff like that it makes me feel like a worthless piece of **** that isn't even worth their time.... I appreciate your input but I think I'll have to face the gun on this one (to use your roulette metaphor) rather than take the coward's way out.

 

have you ever been flat out turned down? its even worse, especialy after the fact that you strung her along for so long before flat out turning her down... your half way towards the so called cowards way out. Look I'm older and wiser then you and my advice is avoid confrontation at all costs

[Taramere]

Actually, when girls do stuff like that it makes me feel like a worthless piece of **** that isn't even worth their time.... I appreciate your input but I think I'll have to face the gun on this one (to use your roulette metaphor) rather than take the coward's way out.

 

Several things are coming across in your posts about this. Not simply that you're not interested in the girl and want her to stop calling you, but that you're feeling uncomfortable about this because it seems as though while she's focusing so much on you she's making no effort to develop other friendships.

 

I don't think that taking the bull by the horns need leave you feeling like an ass. I wonder what it means to her when she tries to contact you on IM and you don't respond. Whether she's noticed that sometimes when she knocks on your door, you're not in the mood to talk to her - and, if she has noticed, what she thinks that signals. That you're not in the mood to talk right then? Okay, but then wouldn't you make the effort to catch up with her later if you actively wanted to speak to her? If you've brushed someone off for a conversation because it's not a good time, you'll generally take the initiative to catch up with them later on. You don't do that with her. Has she thought about that, and if so - what conclusions has she come to?

 

In other words, using a series of questions that will help her come to the correct conclusions on her own. Well - with a bit of help and guidance from you. I think that's also about pushing her into taking responsibility for her own behaviour and giving out a message along these lines:

 

"I've given you hints that most socially adjusted people would interpret as a lack of interest, on my part, in pursuing a relationship. You haven't taken those hints. Is that because I haven't been obvious enough, or is it because you don't want to pick up on the hints? I don't want to upset you. I think you're a good person, and I'd love to see you develop a wide circle of friends here and start making the most of the student life. If I can help you with that then I'm more than happy to within reason, but you need to stop leaning on me. I'm not looking for a relationship with you, but you're behaving as though you're my girlfriend. It's making me feel some sense of responsibility towards you that I'm seriously starting to resent."

[Tacgnol]

I'd say you have a really good point Taramere; the only problem I have is bringing the whole thing up. I'll just have to take advantage of an opportunity, i.e. when she randomly shows up at my room.

[Green]

did u ever have sex or kiss her?

[Tacgnol]

No I haven't

I'm a virgin and, in fact, haven't kissed many people. That would definitely complicate things, wouldn't it?

[Green]

No I haven't

I'm a virgin and, in fact, haven't kissed many people. That would definitely complicate things, wouldn't it?

 

Yeah it would, I was just checking. But seeing as your a virgin... and seeing how this girl isnt completly unatractive... you could have sex with her... oh yeah this is great. Any ways haha good luck what ever you do just be confident

[D-Lish]

I think you're doing the right thing in addressing this head on.

She's obviously making you uncomfortable- and that in itself is reason to get out of it.

 

I know the thought of hurting someone sucks, it's never pleasant. But you can't simply remain entagled with her just to appease her needs at your own expense.

 

I suspect that even if you tell her that you only want to be friends that she will not listen. She may think she can change your mind if she tries harder! Don't doubt that this is a possibility.

 

 

 

This is why you may have to get harsh in order to get ready

[Tacgnol]

I'm not good at harsh, but maybe I just need more practice lolol

[Tacgnol]

Thanks everyone for helping out, it's helped a lot. Even KMT: you've kept me entertained lmao

[Green]

Thanks everyone for helping out, it's helped a lot. Even KMT: you've kept me entertained lmao

I'm glad I entertained you but I was serious about everything I said. If your a virgin you may want to have fun with this one you'll later learn the funnest girls are the girls who let you have fun with them. Of course if she is completly unatractive to you it does sound like at this point you will have to be harsh to end this which in my opinion is both crueler and more imature then just hard core ignoring her

[UnamedSeven]

I know what it feels like, to be on the opposite side of what you are on. To be honest, you will have to tell her soon. But, i urge you to make it as harmless as possible. Don't hurt her, or, don't completely push her out of the picture. Good Luck and i do hope too, that it blows over.

[Tacgnol]

Hey, I actually did break the news to her last Friday. To make a long weird story short, she told me she liked me so I met with her and told her right on that she's only been here for a month and should meet more people. I saw her face drop, so she must've gotten the picture. Her response was "no, I'll never find anybody", to which I said of course you will. I told her I still wanted to be friends, which seemed like a clear "friend zone" to me.

 

The next day she texted me and asked if I wanted to meet her parents who were visiting. I didn't respond. She then was at dinner by herself a couple nights and ate with my friends and I, which I didn't really have a problem with though I still think she should've followed me advice and made an effort to meet people.

 

While these things I could've let slide, she then texted me later in the evening after the second day of eating dinner with my friends and I and asked if I was "really super busy tonight" to which I didn't respond. Just tonight she IMed me and asked if I "wasn't too busy" if she could come over and play xbox.

 

A weird development, though I'm sure then women taking part in this thread aren't surprised. Just sharing since someone posted recently and I thought you guys might get a kick out of it.

[Green]

I'm not suprised I told you the best way out of this is just avoid her like some mystical nija.... but seriously dude if she's kinda hot I'd just start making out with her and stuff if I were you. Your opinion of her might change when you see her naked

[UnamedSeven]

Yeah. Although i don't entirely agree with KMT, but he is right about how you should just try and avoid her. If at all possible, you might have to resort to being straight with her, ya know? she just isn't simply getting the whole thing.