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I hate my 'best friend' but I am supposed to be her maid of honour!!


hendersongirl

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Ok, this is a complicated one. My family has been friends with another family since Kate and I were born. We have been on month long family holidays every year (don't live in the same city), catch up for dinner every couple of months or so, etc. Kate and I are the same age, and have always been friends. Like, always. We both have two younger sisters, and the six of us have been like a little clique our entire childhood. Our parents are best friends also, the two families are very close. Kate and I have never actually had much in common, we have always been exact opposites, which worked fine when we saw each other for a week or so. We also have very similar families which kind of kept us on the same wavelength.

 

Fast forward to now... We are 21, and both left home four years ago to study (separate cities). We have still seen each other almost as regularly, as the families still go on the annual holiday, and we both go along. Problem is, with living away from home and finding our places in the world, our differences have been allowed to extremify. More and more over the last few years she has grated on my nerves, to the point now where I can barely be in the same room as her. She is a TOTAL control freak, and everyone HAS to fit in with her, she is so used to people fitting in with her that she doesn't see it as a problem. When we argue, she sees ME as the one with the problem. Our families brush this off as 'Kate's quirks', but it REALLY bothers me, she bosses me around like I am five and she is my mother. ARGH I honestly cannot be in the same room as her. But I don't want to ruin the whole family-family thing, especially because I get on fine with the others, and love her mum to bits - she is honestly my second mum.

 

Ok. Here is the problem... Kate still considers us to be best friends, as do the rest of our families. She is getting married, and wants me to be the maid of honour. Apparently (I don't remember) when we were ten we promised each other we would be each other's maids of honour. I don't remember EVER discussing marriage, but even if we did make such a promise I would not expect it to be kept. There is NO WAY she will be maid of honour at my wedding (if/when I get married), I would only even invite her reluctantly, because I want the rest of the family there and don't want to ruin everyone's relationships.

 

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I HATE going shopping with her for dresses etc, I have to go along with her, if it had been any other childhood friend we would have lost contact ages ago. I feel like I am being unfair to her in pretending like we are friends (and I'm sure she will EXPECT to be my maid of honour, which will of course cause problems when she isn't even a bridesmaid), however I also don't feel comfortable telling her I hate her and to find another maid of honour because we are so entwined...

 

She also keeps talking about how we should time our having kids to coincide, so that we can go on family holidays each year 'just like when we were kids' ohhhhhhhhh noooooooooo!!!

 

HELP!! What should I do???

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Yikes! That is one major, adult decision that you are being called upon to make, with many implications.

 

You do know your two options. What is more important to you:

1. Being true to yourself, and expressing your own needs, wants and feelings honestly and with kindness?

2. Being the "peacekeeper" and "glue" that binds the two families together, regardless of your own needs, wants and feelings?

 

Since there is enough on your plate as it is, you needn't add to your own stress by also bringing in thoughts of your future wedding party and timing of if/when you have children -- may as well just focus on finding one solution at a time, for whatever is the current problem.

 

Good luck with making your decision.

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I think what Ronni had to say was important. You can * let * this girl boss you around or you can STOP the controlling behavior by telling her NO to many things. ( However since this is the wedding, the Bridesmaids and MOA usually go along with the bride ) Yours can only be handled one demand at a time. If she ( and she will , want you to get dresses ) She is in a position to choose the dress. You can look at it this way , you only have after the dress, the rehearsal dinner and the bachelorette party , both of which you could pretend you are sick or just go. Then you have the wedding day. Thats a tough one !

 

Just be strong and try not to get bossed around :)

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thanks for your quick replies :) of course i understand that she is the bride so she picks the dress, etc... i just mean i feel i am being fake, and the longer i play this game the deeper i get into it... ive already been shopping, with kate, her sister (who i get along better with), and both our mothers (no problems there)... i just feel like im totally pretending to be happy for her... maids of honour should be ecstatic for their best friend and the whole thing should be fun! not a drag... the bachelorette party will be a whole different ball game coz i cant stand any of her friends, but kate reckons we have heaps in common... she just doesnt know me. she has this idea in her mind of who i am based on when we were young. i will be hanging out with my sister and her sister all of that night!!

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when we were ten we promised each other we would be each other's maids of honour.

 

So, this actually hasn't been discussed? She didn't formally ask you, it was just assumed that the promise made years ago still stood?

 

What you can say is, "I'm really flattered that you still want me as your MOH, but are you sure this is what you really want? Isn't there another friend that is closer in your life, someone who is IN your daily life that would like to do this for you?"

 

You two have grown apart, that's obvious. She just isn't willing to see that or admit to it, but I bet deep down she MUST realize that you two aren't the same people anymore and both of you have grown up and apart. Doesn't mean you have to hate her, or not be in her life, just means that you'll not be as close as you once were.

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Yeah I don't want to not ever see each other... I agree that friendships can/should just be left to naturally bloom or fade. I hate forcing these things. She doesn't seem to think so. I don't think that she simply feels obliged to have me as MOH, because she continues to talk excitedly about raising our families together as we were raised together, even though I sort of half-heartedly smile and don't give any reinforcement... She has done this multiple times, and even said that she will hold off having kids until my partner and I have finished studying and get married etc. (!!!) I don't want that sort of responsibility! I think she probably just misses her childhood, and has ALWAYS wanted to replicate it for her own children - we did have a great childhood. I feel so heartless destroying all her grandiose plans... but they all involve me and I have never agreed to them!! Sure, it would be nice if we were best friends, and if we could plan our lives to the point of having families of our own just like ours are. But it isn't realistic... We don't get along, I get along ok with her fiance I guess but he's not a great friend or anything. We have nothing in common. And don't make me try to convince my partner of these plans... He won't even go to the wedding, she has been rude to him, tried to boss HIM around, and he can't stand her (but again, she likes him and thinks they get along.

 

All of that is cross that bridge when I come to it stuff, I know, so my main question is, which is a worse thing to do to her? 1 - go along with the MOH thing (it's in January, all the plans are made), and let her think we are still best friends even though we aren't, or 2 - drop out, ruin her view of her 'perfect little life' and potentially ruin the family dynamics... She IS liek a sister to me. Just a sister I don't get along with.

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My best friend went through this with another friend of hers... they had become friendly because their bf's were best friends... but my friend and her guy broke up, so she lost touch a bit with the couple. This girl asked my friend to be her MOH, while her ex bf was the best man.

 

The whole experience was a nightmare for her- the girl was controlling and bossy, and to make matters worse, she was forced to see her ex bf and the woman he broke up with her for at all the functions.

 

She hated this girl by the end of it- but went through with it and did her duties to keep the peace. This girl pulled some pretty mean stunts as well.

 

I think in your case- you can look at it as a familial favour. I think if you were to bow out now after accepting- it will cause a huge problem for YOU... and the trickle down effect might be something you regret.

 

I think if it were me- I'd just grin and bear it....take one for the team, and then distance yourself afterward.

 

I've also been a MOH for a girl I had been trying to sever ties with.

I hated putting on the happy face- and her husband was such a jerk- but I did it.

 

The consequences may to more of a hassle then actually following through with being her MOH. If you cancel out- the two families might very well be put at odds with one another.

 

It sucks... but it may be something you have to do to keep the peace.

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I guess I don't really have an option, I have to grin and bear it. Thanks for your replies :)

 

Well, you always have options. It's crappy to have to endure this

when you don't like her much.

 

I suspect though, that you'd take a great amount of heat if you back out.

So you do have a choice- I guess I'd weigth my options, view the consequences and outcomes and do what will utilmately be best for you.

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Yeah you are right - I think my (and her) family would be pretty pissed off at me... To be honest I'd probably rather that than having to endure this stress... But I guess it would have longer lasting consequences. Plus I don't want to be a selfish b*tch. Everyone thinks it's wonderful that we 'have such a close bond' and we 'have been friends for so long' so they all think it's fitting and proper that we are each other's maids of honour. I've been playing this game for so long...

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Ok, this is a complicated one. My family has been friends with another family since Kate and I were born. We have been on month long family holidays every year (don't live in the same city), catch up for dinner every couple of months or so, etc. Kate and I are the same age, and have always been friends. Like, always. We both have two younger sisters, and the six of us have been like a little clique our entire childhood. Our parents are best friends also, the two families are very close. Kate and I have never actually had much in common, we have always been exact opposites, which worked fine when we saw each other for a week or so. We also have very similar families which kind of kept us on the same wavelength.

 

Fast forward to now... We are 21, and both left home four years ago to study (separate cities). We have still seen each other almost as regularly, as the families still go on the annual holiday, and we both go along. Problem is, with living away from home and finding our places in the world, our differences have been allowed to extremify. More and more over the last few years she has grated on my nerves, to the point now where I can barely be in the same room as her. She is a TOTAL control freak, and everyone HAS to fit in with her, she is so used to people fitting in with her that she doesn't see it as a problem. When we argue, she sees ME as the one with the problem. Our families brush this off as 'Kate's quirks', but it REALLY bothers me, she bosses me around like I am five and she is my mother. ARGH I honestly cannot be in the same room as her. But I don't want to ruin the whole family-family thing, especially because I get on fine with the others, and love her mum to bits - she is honestly my second mum.

 

Ok. Here is the problem... Kate still considers us to be best friends, as do the rest of our families. She is getting married, and wants me to be the maid of honour. Apparently (I don't remember) when we were ten we promised each other we would be each other's maids of honour. I don't remember EVER discussing marriage, but even if we did make such a promise I would not expect it to be kept. There is NO WAY she will be maid of honour at my wedding (if/when I get married), I would only even invite her reluctantly, because I want the rest of the family there and don't want to ruin everyone's relationships.

 

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I HATE going shopping with her for dresses etc, I have to go along with her, if it had been any other childhood friend we would have lost contact ages ago. I feel like I am being unfair to her in pretending like we are friends (and I'm sure she will EXPECT to be my maid of honour, which will of course cause problems when she isn't even a bridesmaid), however I also don't feel comfortable telling her I hate her and to find another maid of honour because we are so entwined...

 

She also keeps talking about how we should time our having kids to coincide, so that we can go on family holidays each year 'just like when we were kids' ohhhhhhhhh noooooooooo!!!

 

HELP!! What should I do???

 

I am actually going through a similar situation with one of my best friends. My friend is very needy and clingy and is one of those girls that disappears off the face of the earth when she gets a boyfriend. Anyway, well she is engaged now...4 months in, which is crazy enough...but I have been asking her all summer to come out to my house (since I bought it a few months ago and wanted her to see it) and every time she says she is either with him or she can come but she can only with him. It is annoying to me b/c I don't know her fiance and i would just love for her to come out by herself and have a girls' day/weekend with me. She absolutely refuses this and reiterates to me all the time that either he comes with her or she doesn't come. Anyway, well she wants me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding and if she wont come out to see me, then I really can't consider her a friend. I'm also torn whether I should be a bridesmaid or not. Good luck with your situation and let me know what you decide.

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