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Concerned about a friend


lovestruck818

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lovestruck818

So, I have this friend. She is my best friend going on 13 years now. I am currently in a relationship but have struggled prior, and she is single currently struggling. We are both in our late 20's. I have been with my boyfriend for 8-9 months now. All of our other friends are married. I know this is probably tough for her and I support & and encourage her and will til the end of time...but something she has been doing recently concerns me, b/c I am worried about her well-being as well as the message she is sending to guys.

 

My friend has always done the online dating thing for as long as I have known her. She doesn't really NEED it but she does it b/c she likes it, so whatever. What concerns me is that she is very impulsive with the guys she meets and she stays over their houses! She told me this past Wednesday that she was speaking to some guy from online and then lo & behold I find out that this weekend she spent the ENTIRE weekend at his house. I am not sure if she is sleeping with these guys or not (and it is more than one guy) but regardless, she doesn't know these guys through a hole in the wall...and I am concerned about her safety. Furthermore, I fear she is giving off the wrong impression to these guys that she is desperate and they probably think she does this with all the guys she meets which she does. It never ends up working out for her and i feel really bad, but I think she needs to change her ways a bit. This is not really safe or good to be doing.

 

I am clueless about how to approach this & talk to her without hurtung her feelings. Any ideas?

 

Thanks guys, you rock!

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Well,if the two of you been friends for this long,then I don't think that you would have a problem telling her the same things that you said in your thread. I believe that she would understand where you are coming from, and realize that you are only telling her this because you care about her.Once you told her how you feel about everything,she can either take what you are saying into consideration, or not.The bottom line is you poured your heart out to her and told her what was on your mind.Let her know that you love her so much,you just don't want her to end up being hurt and bitter.

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I am concerned about her safety. , I fear she is giving off the wrong impression to these guys ... It never ends up working out for her and i feel really bad, but I think she needs to change her ways a bit.

Well, it IS difficult to tell someone you love and care about that you are having a problem with their adult choices...but a good friend would give it a try anyway.

As Tyra said, pretty much the same way you said it here: "I'm primarily concerned for your safety. But you also seem to be caught up in a pattern where things consistently don't work out for you." You could also add, "I mention that because your choices don't seem to be bringing you want you want, and I hurt for you when that happens."

 

You could leave it at that -- just focusing on her safety and that she isn't getting her own needs/wants met.

The thing about how others (the guys, her friends, etc.) are viewing, or may view, her behaviour/reputation is subjective...bringing that up gives her room for a counter-argument, to say that you're being self-righteous or judgmental or whatever comes to her mind to say.

 

The only thing to keep in mind is one conversation about it is all you can reasonably do. She may not start to make different choices. She may become defensive and say it is none of your business -- in which case, tell her you recognize that but if a time comes that she does want to develop new dating habits and patterns, that you will be there to assist and support in whatever way she needs.

 

In a way, it's not unlike trying to tell a sound-minded adult to practice safe sex or to quit smoking. They already KNOW it is risky and potentially lethal behaviour...so they aren't going to quit just cos we are concerned for them. They have to get to their own desire to give up the behaviour that they know full well is self-destructive. That is, in her case, she needs to become concerned for HER OWN reputation, safety and emotional well-being before she will feel a need to change anything.

 

I'm not sure that there are reasonable grounds to feel "bad" when other adults have to deal with the crappy consequences of their own crappy choices. You are making wiser choices, so you are enjoying more positive outcomes. That's not your "fault", so to speak, and there's really nothing for you to feel guilty or bad about.

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