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Are my friend and I too close????


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Old 14th January 2002, 1:18 AM   #1
Elma
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Are my friend and I too close????

Hi my best friend and I are REALLY REALLY close. It is like we have a psycic connections or something. We do spend heaps of time together and love each others company.

The problem is that she is newly married (2 months), [they shouldnt have gotten married in the first place, they fight all the time about the most stupidest things, and basically dont respect each other].

He is jelous of me! He doesnt want Sarah (my friend) to be friends with me. If she calls me he will tell her to hang up, if I go over he leaves, if i am at her house - he wont come home till I go, stupid things like that. Trouble is now they are getting a divorce and everyone is saying that it is my fault.

He (the husband) called a councelling service and they said that we must be lesbians (trust me - we are not)! and now everyone is telling her to give me the flick !!!!

She is really really depressed, she doesnt have any other friends besides me, and I dont know what to do!!!

But are we "normal"? We are 26 + 27 years old !!
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Old 14th January 2002, 2:19 AM   #2
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Re: Are my friend and I too close????

I know she's your close friend and all, but I think you should take a HUGE step back right away.

No matter how much you feel they shouldn't have been married in the first place, it's really none of your business. My god..she's 27, she's old enough to make her own decisions. She's old enough to decide who to marry or not to marry. No one held her at gunpoint and made her marry this guy. Leave her alone about it.

You said she has only been married for two months, and already her husband has a problem with you two talking and with you coming over. I would think that in the first couple months of marriage, a person would give her spouse most of her time and attention. As a good friend, you should have backed away and let her focus on her troubled marriage.

I don't think this is the time to visit her too much at her house. Allow her husband to have some privacy with his wife, even if she invites you over. You can always decline her invitation. And if she calls you up, you can always keep the conversation short. Just like no one forced her to marry him, no one is forcing you to spend most of your time with her.

You say she's depressed and has no other friends besides you. Well if you put yourself on the backburner, it may solve a lot of problems between her and her husband. And if her relationship improves with him, she may not be depressed anymore and can work on her friendship with him.
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Old 14th January 2002, 10:14 AM   #3
Daria
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Re: Are my friend and I too close????

Your situation is very close to the one I am dealing with. I too have a very close friend (we've been inseparable for 11 years, and yes several people we know also had suspicions about our friendship being more than just friendship). We saw each other through thick and thin together, including relationship with men, and we always made each other a priority - that is why relationships never worked out.

Several months ago I met the most wonderful guy and fell in love with him, totally and completely - perhaps for the first time in my life (I am 33). Needless to say, this changed my priorities, and my friend is not very happy about it.

The way I look at it is: my friend and I have had 11 years to establish and cement our friendship. It should by now be indestructible. Now it is important for me to concentrate on this new relationship, and give it a fair chance, and threesome isn't going to work.

I totally agree with Sparkle. The first months of marriage must be very trying. There is a lot of adjusting taking place, and the newly married couple should really concentrate on each other. Surely, you and your friend must be able to work out some sort of a formula for keeping in touch and maintaining your close ties without interfering with her marriage.

Hopefuly, she and her husband can work out their problems, and their marriage returns on track. In that case, there cannot be any antagonism between you and the husband, as you both are obviously very important elements in your friend's life. Don't make her choose where her alegiance must lie. And don't take sides, i.e. don't tell your friend that she is right and her husband is wrong. Let her work out her own marriage problems. In the long run, if her marriage falls apart she may begin to resent you and blame you for its failure. You don't want to have this happen.

It is a tough job being a really true friend: you have to be patient and unselfish. Good luck!!!
Quote:
Hi my best friend and I are REALLY REALLY close. It is like we have a psycic connections or something. We do spend heaps of time together and love each others company. The problem is that she is newly married (2 months), [they shouldnt have gotten married in the first place, they fight all the time about the most stupidest things, and basically dont respect each other]. He is jelous of me! He doesnt want Sarah (my friend) to be friends with me. If she calls me he will tell her to hang up, if I go over he leaves, if i am at her house - he wont come home till I go, stupid things like that. Trouble is now they are getting a divorce and everyone is saying that it is my fault. He (the husband) called a councelling service and they said that we must be lesbians (trust me - we are not)! and now everyone is telling her to give me the flick !!!! She is really really depressed, she doesnt have any other friends besides me, and I dont know what to do!!! But are we "normal"? We are 26 + 27 years old !!
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Old 14th January 2002, 3:01 PM   #4
BeenThere
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Re: Are my friend and I too close????

Elma,

It is not uncommon for women to have a best buddy that they confide EVERYTHING in. They become each others confidant and "safe place" to run too when the romantic relationship gets a little rocky. However, telling TOO MUCH to the female gal-pal can sometimes make the romantic partner a little uncomfortable...even resentful. No one wants their dirty laundry or relationship problems aired in public. AND GOD FORBID you say anything negetive about your girlfriends man in her defense, she will almost certainly use it as amunition during her next lover's quarl.

Is is possible you may have said something negative about your best friends husband that she may have repeated?
Quote:
Hi my best friend and I are REALLY REALLY close. It is like we have a psycic connections or something. We do spend heaps of time together and love each others company. The problem is that she is newly married (2 months), [they shouldnt have gotten married in the first place, they fight all the time about the most stupidest things, and basically dont respect each other]. He is jelous of me! He doesnt want Sarah (my friend) to be friends with me. If she calls me he will tell her to hang up, if I go over he leaves, if i am at her house - he wont come home till I go, stupid things like that. Trouble is now they are getting a divorce and everyone is saying that it is my fault. He (the husband) called a councelling service and they said that we must be lesbians (trust me - we are not)! and now everyone is telling her to give me the flick !!!! She is really really depressed, she doesnt have any other friends besides me, and I dont know what to do!!! But are we "normal"? We are 26 + 27 years old !!
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