Jump to content

Close male friend acting very strange and cruel!


Recommended Posts

Hi all,

 

This situation is been going on since mid may to the present - causing me immense stress! Over the past year, I have become friends with two guys one of which I was especially close to, we talked almost everyday, spent ooodles of time with each other often the three of us but more often than not the two of us. I never could understand our friendship, it was like really close girlfriends I felt like I could tell him almost anything, we went on trips together for work and disclosed waaaaaaaaaay too much about our personal lives. He was living apart from his girlfriend for a year and I was in the process of leaving my boyfriend. Anyway there were clues that he might have feelings or something but it was hard to tell he was often moody and ****ty as well as nice. He started to tell me that he was jealous of me talking to other guys. I thought he was just being territorial like most friends but here is where the story gets strange. He goes back to see his girlfriend (who I have met a few times already) and comes back and without a direct word starts to push me away... but we share the same friend and when I am with all three he sometimes acts a little normal and then weird - he has a new cell but has not given me the number but invites me over as a group from time to time. I tried to confront him in a gentle way - but he won't even look me in the eye!

 

Then on my birthday he learns me and our other friends are going to hang out and then he sends me an email telling me he would love to take me out on the weekend and it ends off with him saying I love you and wish you a happy birthday ??? he then calls my friend and invites us out to a bar that night and proceeds to ask me who have i been spending time with????

 

Then last time we see each other he proceeds to ignore me for most of the night and being cold... what in the f*ck is going on!

 

Help please - i know it seems obvious but there is too much back and forth ....

Link to post
Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia

He doesn't want 'friends' - he wants more, but he doesn't want to lose his girlfriend. He is infuriated with himself at this point - angry about letting himself get too close, angry about not wanting to let you go - and he is taking this anger out on you in hopes that you will make things easy by breaking off the friendship yourself since he lacks the strength to do so. At the same time, he is terrified you will do just that - so he keeps throwing out just enough line to keep you at a distance without letting you go.

 

Your options are:

 

1. cut it off completely and walk away and never look back

2. stay as this quasi-OW in a tumultuous emotional affair where the negatives outweigh the positives until one or both of you gets tired of it and walks away

3. let him know in no uncertain terms you want to be with him as his girlfriend (not as OW) and ask if there is a chance for that

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hi lucrezia,

 

Thank you, I guess all the signs are there. It is just so confusing because I could not be so cruel to someone I care about. And I really care about him, I just don't know what to do. I think about him almost everyday - sometimes i question my feelings for him - but I know that I don't want more but I do feel a sense of emotional attachment which is a little out of place.

 

I am thinking of speaking to my other friend but I hate to put him in the middle - but I am certain he knows what is going on. Man I hate to really lose him as a friend - but if I don't extract myself from the situation I feel that he will continue to exact his rath on me - punishing me in his own head.

 

Thank you again -

Link to post
Share on other sites
Geishawhelk

oooh, no.... I think the guy's messing big-time with your head....he's playing cr*p games. and I think he's enjoying the attention it gets him. Really, I would distance yourself from this man completely. Look at it from his GF's point of view.... how, (if you were she) would you be thiking about you?

 

He seems to be a bit of a control freak. he's yanking your chain, and you are responding big time.

Really, I think this is a whole set of problems which can only ever escalate.

seriously, can you see yourself in a cool, calm and serene loving relationship with him?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hey Geishawhelk,

 

You know I suspected that he has control issues! When I made a new guy friend in one of my classes - he decided to befriend this girl he knows that I don't really like and decided to throw it in my face every chance he got. "I spent the last two days with (let's call her susan)..." and she being the emotionally unstable person she is would go out of her way to tell me all about the plans that her and he have made together.

 

So crazy susan and my "friend" seem to be working hand in hand to drive me nuts. We all ended up at the same place the other night and she was doing her best to make me feel uncomfortable and he was doing his best to ignore me then pull me in when he felt I seemed like I wanted to leave.

 

He is a control freak - you are so right even the way he talks to our mutual friend. Wow! I mentioned that night I was going to New York and he shot me a look...i guess he suspected i was going to meet up with some guy...

 

I am playing into his game...like a retard... i was even about to email him today - that is until i read your post. Wow he would have loved that eh! I am taking the first flight out of here next week - they all can have each other.

 

Man this sucks!

 

Thanks geishawhelk - but to answer your question I would not consider him boyfriend material b/c he sems realy threatened by everything i do that does not involve him, if I receive a promotion, publishing my work, taking a trip...he will either not acknowledge it or try trivialize it !

 

kiki30 is reevaluating her own silly behaviour

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

reflecting upon his controlling behaviour - there has been one thing that always seemed strange to me. We spend consecutive days at his house hours on end - but whenever I invite him over - he always makes excuses and this is when things were actually good. When he invited me out on my birthday and went to hang out with him and some others including his g/f...i thought it would be nice to invite him when a few of us were going out a couple weeks later. So I sent him an email inviting him and his girlfriend along - instead of just declining. He refused to respond to my email - i see him two days later at work and he invites the whole group to the very same place I invited him to (a day before my plans are for).

 

Anybody see how f-up that is? it is like he is saying screw u - only on my terms will we go out? Why ? Why does he need this much control... i guess the appropriate question is who the f cares why - just get out of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Geishawhelk
.....i guess the appropriate question is who the f cares why - just get out of it.

 

oh my word!! If every single person whose ever been messed with by a fu**ed-up control-freak were to say this, there'd be a whole lot fewer threads - and shorter too - !!

 

Yay you!!

 

Get out of it quick!

 

The thing to do is continue as you're doing, doing everything you want to do, when you want to do it - keeping him well out of the picture, and don't give a fiddler's elbow if, and when, he - or anyone else for that matter - picks you up on it.....

You juist have to say...."Oh, I think that's a case of mistaken ID, I'm afraid....

You're mistaking me for someone who gives a sh*t......!!"

Link to post
Share on other sites
You just have to say...."Oh, I think that's a case of mistaken ID, I'm afraid....

You're mistaking me for someone who gives a sh*t......!!"

 

I've been following this post because I have a co-worker who's this way. He's immature and plays little games like this. Oh, but that is coming to an end. He once asked me if he was "Cute, sexy, or handsome?" To which responded,"Can you please add more options to the list? How about ugly? What about fugly?" And I made a joke of it. I honestly believe he wants to keep the option there because we work for a small company, but I'd rather not keep sparks going for the remainder of my time working for the company.

 

He mentioned that he was going to a happy hour spot then dance club afterward. Instead of inviting myself or asking for permission, I simply said, "Okay." He mentioned it 2 more times before the day was through. Finally, when we were walking to our cars, he asked if I was going. I told him I don't go to places like that alone. IOW DO YOU WANT TO GO TOGETHER YOU GROWN AZZ MAN????!!! He said he wanted to meet up.

 

 

So when I call, he says if his guy friend isn't going, he's not going. I then asked him what he asked me for. When he could hear the irritation in my voice, he said that he was still going to have dinner at the lounge, but he wouldn't go dancing if his friend didn't go. WTF? I like simplicity. Pick one or the other-friends or more. I told him to have fun.

 

Why do things have to be this way?:sick:

Link to post
Share on other sites
He doesn't want 'friends' - he wants more, but he doesn't want to lose his girlfriend. He is infuriated with himself at this point - angry about letting himself get too close, angry about not wanting to let you go - and he is taking this anger out on you in hopes that you will make things easy by breaking off the friendship yourself since he lacks the strength to do so. At the same time, he is terrified you will do just that - so he keeps throwing out just enough line to keep you at a distance without letting you go.

 

Your options are:

 

1. cut it off completely and walk away and never look back

2. stay as this quasi-OW in a tumultuous emotional affair where the negatives outweigh the positives until one or both of you gets tired of it and walks away

3. let him know in no uncertain terms you want to be with him as his girlfriend (not as OW) and ask if there is a chance for that

 

 

If you are smart, you'll choose option #1. Run. He's trying to make you OW and a plaything. If you have any self-respect, you won't want this SOB as a friend.

 

Seriously, women need to understand that men and women are wired differently about friendship. If a guy is working hard at his friendship with a woman, he's probably working hard for sex...which doesn't require any type of commitment.

 

The only women friends that I've ever had have ended up becoming better friends with my wife than they have with me...and I've ended up becoming chummy with their spouses.

 

Read "Not Just Friends." TV clouds peoples' minds and creates fantasies. This book is spot on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

hmmmm Soda,

 

This is interesting. The truth of the matter is I actually really like his girlfriend - part of me swore that he was trying to make her jealous sometimes, where I was concerned. But, I tried to shake the feeling b/c I thought to myself that does not make any sense - (of course it does)

 

So clear now. He wanted friction - but I think it backfired b/c I believe she now wants me out of the picture. And I can understand, jeez if I just had a minute with her I would let her know that I had nooooooooooo interest in him other than friendship - and that is past tense. I think she suspects it's him - not me though- her interactions with me bespeak of discomfort a little but not "you homewrecker"!

 

He can use Susan as the OW - but she is a loose cannon my other male friend has already had two arguments with her b/c he agrees that she is crazy.

 

I have to get a hold of that book - you speak of !!! Thanks a lot

I admit he was my first really close guy friend so not a lot of experience and plus I was focusing on my relationship so much that I did not see the signs. I was reading some of the emails he sent me and I don't know what I was thinking - this guy clearly had feelings for me - conflicted as he was and as moody as he was there is a subtext. But he is pretty smart, everytime he gave me a clue that he wanted more, he made sure to be an ******* soon after... i just figured he was borderline bipolar!

 

*head spinning - yah a ticket to New York sounds great about now and I am not kidding!!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
hmmmm Soda,

 

But he is pretty smart, everytime he gave me a clue that he wanted more, he made sure to be an ******* soon after... i just figured he was borderline bipolar!

 

It's a great book. I highly recommend it. My wife was heavily emotionally invested in one of her male friends, and I couldn't figure out why I felt so uncomfortable about it because I had never been jealous or untrusting previously. The book shed a lot of insights.

 

Turns out that she's so heavily emotionally connected with her "friend" that she's willing to give up her marriage, reputation, and risk losing custody of her kids for a short, fat, old guy. So, you can see this topic weighs heavily on me!

 

Good luck in the Big Apple. You sound like you've got a level head on your shoulders and you're doing the right thing. Best wishes to your future.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Wow Soda,

 

Thought i had issues, seems to be your wife might want to take a closer look at what she is losing, a true friend would not want to contribute to ruining a home - my god! I could never look past the fact that I may be causing my ex friends girlfriend grief and I raised it to him all the time, and I mean all the time.

 

He put's himself first and I don't think I will be the last girl, maybe i am not the first either. I bet Susan is next on his list!

 

The fact that you have children together and the damage this relationship that your wife whatever she refers to it as friendship... is telling of how unhealthy it is. How could a normal friendship end up putting your family on the line? How can she looks past that?

 

I am sorry. Really my situation pales in comparison to yours - but i an indeed relate to the pain. Wish you all the best thank you again for the book - it should help as i extract him and susan and whomever else - from my life as lonley as it feels in the interim.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wow Soda,

 

How could a normal friendship end up putting your family on the line? How can she looks past that?

 

Initially, she was in self denial. I think she actually believed it was just a friendship. Her behavior and her words told me it was more than that.

 

We ended up in marriage counseling and she did everything that she could to steer the conversation away from the issue of her "friend," which told me that she was afraid of having to discuss the issue with the counselor.

 

I don't know at what point she came to the realization that she was having an affair, but she must have decided that she could get away with it without being caught. What she didn't understand that she had a colleague who was able to piece together the truth. This person didn't confront her...but did tell me the painful truth.

 

I've hired an attorney and I'm going forward is ending this miserable lie. I have some evidence, but she (attorney) is working on getting the rest at present. She used to be a professional photographer...who knew?

 

I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely. I can empathize...but understand that it is temporary. Sometimes, it's better to start over than to be stuck in a bad situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I can relate to the denial, but at some point I realized that I had to many weird feelings about things he had done or said. My own words and behaviour has tipped me off that I was too emotionally attached to him. I think he saw how vulnerable I was and took full advantage - but realized that I was not willing to go past a certain point.

 

I don't understand how she could justify not wanting to speak about shorty in the sessions - wow that is unbelievable. I can understand denial but this is ridiculous - dillusion really!! Thank god for people like her co-worker who confirmed what you suspected. I would do the same.

 

Hang in there this has to be really tough but she has forced your hand. She will at some point look back and regret this - big time. This emotional attachment may indeed just be a fantasy - transference.

 

I on the other hand, I think was being used. I truly cared about him as A FRIEND - a close friend. Still care. Well, you have helped a lot. Some really sage advice. Maybe now I can focus on my work... or at least start.

 

- oh yah an attorney who is a photographer interesting.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hi all,

 

I thought this might be useful for those who are experiencing a similar dilemma to me for me to provide and update.

 

I have had some time to think and reflect, and as painful as it is i had to admit something really important to myself. The controling behaviour of my former friend let's call his Adam - is not new. There were signs all along, but in order to remain his friend I from time to time called him on it. But, never really took him to task!

 

I look back at the ways in which he contributed to me leaving my boyfriend! I wanted to leave - yes, but there came a point when he seemed to be heavily invested in me leaving him - i thought it was because he really cared about me - as a close friend. Wow! stupid or what - dude was developing feelings for me an wanted my ex out of the way for his own purposes as well.

 

I believed in him, I do this I have strong faith in my friends and refuse to believe that would purposely hurt me! But I believe that the universe is working so that he and an i do not ever become friends again, this situation has resulted in me re-assessing our whole friendship! he saw how vulnerable emotionally i was - and took full advantage. Now he had developed feelings for me and can't have me - that took a while to admit to myself- that being he want's to hurt me as a form of control.

 

To hurt me for him is to exhibit control on the situation, because while he cant be with me he can still affect me - emotionally he has always known this - um yah, so let's say given the wealth of information i can no longer ignore - let's say it's over - me an the psuedo are over - i think the only way to deal with a controlling person is to remove anything they can use to control you. He is using the ability to push me away and to pull me in as a form of control, so if he pushes me away and I stay away then there is not much he can do.

 

thank god, i have worked through this - watch out for control freaks they can **** with you LARGE!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
  • Author

So like my dear friends who have offered some insight have predicted.

My dear former friend is once again attempting to reel me back into the madness which he seems to eat up. Sends me an unecessary email trying to push my buttons. I have had enough at this point, and fire back a direct response - he being the control freak that he is changes his angle.

 

Now apparently i am attempting to hurt him, I have become a stranger and only use him when I feel like? Wow! Huh! He needs help, there is no reasoning with him. He now offers a telephone number of his girlfriend for me to call. Why in the hell would I call his girlfriend's phone. What am I clueless? Dude is trying to set up something, I don't trust him whatsoever.

 

He suggests we meet but I should refrain from beating up on him over email. ****ing psycho...just another one of his tricks! I won't call, **** him, and actually I am not responding to anymore of his ****ing emails.

 

Whatever they may be. Purge purge purge.

Link to post
Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia

Wow. First he pulls the passive aggressive 'friends' thing on you, and now he lacks the testicular fortitude to break up with his girlfriend, so he wants you to call her so that she'll break up with him?

 

I wouldn't give this passive aggressive conflict avoiding guy the time of day, much less an offer of friendship or more.

 

He is doing you a favor by showing you just what sort of boyfriend you can expect if you were to be with him. When he's done with a girl, it sounds like he either cheats or manipulates his way out of the relationship and into a new one. Pattern behavior won't stop with you, either. You'll becomes another link in the chain of broken hearts. Cut him off and consider it a bullet dodged.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you for the response lucrezia,

 

You are indeed correct. He claims that I have imagined the whole thing, although he has not called me once since April - April and just now he is offering a telephone number to contact him. And it is his girlfriend's cell phone. Why would I call his girlfriend's phone, who knows what he is trying to pull. He made the comment in front of a group of us three weeks ago that the relationship is "eating itself". So he must be looking for a way out like a little boy - trying to manipulate me and her. Sure I call his girlfriend's phone and he suggests that we meet. Hmmm how would that look, he has had my number the whole time - if he wanted to call me he would have.

 

He actually really scares me, clearly he is insane. And rather stupid if he thinks that I am going to fall for this ****. I ain't calling his girlfriends cell - have I no respect? Why should i meet with him now - it is august. I have attempted to communicate with him since May and he refused to have a conversation - at one point he refused to even look me in the eye.

 

He argues in the email that i have become a stranger and only talk to him around other people. Um, we don't hang out anymore. We see each other time to time in a group of others, which he generally uses as an opportunity to ignore me. Or go back and forth. It is strange when his crazy new female friend is around he won't speak to me. Only when she is not around. He uses her to get at me (won't work) and uses me to make his girlfriend uncomfortable (won't work anymore). Now he has begun to befriend this other girl who hates his current female friend (she actually tried to kiss him). wow! either i am a teller of strange tales or this guy is certifiable.

 

I will not meet him, i am just going to remain away. He is trying to suck me back into his world of madness - three weeks goes by and then he trying to **** with me -

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...
Thank you for the response lucrezia,

 

wow! either i am a teller of strange tales or this guy is certifiable.

 

Lots of stories here about the drug addict, psycho, crazy, guy who hits you etc. etc. and then when called upon the details - the guy doesn't hit you, he hits the wall, since there's no damange to the wall or dudes hand or anyone else recollection of it - he slams the door too hard on his way out :rolleyes:

 

Lots of strange tales indeed.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...