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New female roommate is overstepping boundries....


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Old 23rd June 2008, 9:13 PM   #1
v33
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New female roommate is overstepping boundries....

I will try to make this brief.

After my ex left I spent two months living alone until I could no longer afford to stay in the fantastic house I rent.

I have a friend, a female, whom I have some history with... it's in the past (so I thought) and she wanted to move back into the city. We had been in contact since the breakup (and before to some extent) as a friends and she had been great support to me. I never crossed any lines with her during this period and was careful to make sure she knew I was not coming to her with any romantic intentions.

We spent some time hanging out before we decided that she would share the place with me as a platonic friend. Again, I stressed that in no way would there be romance of any sort between us.

Now this girl, through her own actions, has always put herself in a position where she is the "other woman" and cannot get a proper boyfriend who will commit to her. She expressed that she is resentful that I can easily get dates while she cannot.

Every time I am away for a night, or there is any indication that I have interest in a woman, she makes snide remarks and gets all pissy telling me that I have not been single long enough and should not be out with anyone. When I call her on it she says it is just because she is jealous that she cannot get the prospects I can.

Tonight she asked me where I had been all weekend, and I told her I was with a new girl I met from a nearby town. She got all mad and told me that I should have let her know I would be away all weekend so she could take advantage of having the house to herself. Now, my weekend progressed on a day by day basis and I told her as much. If I knew I would be gone, I would have let her know.

She says she was worried, couldn't sleep last night because she was concerned about me, but she knew damn well that I was otherwise occupied as I did text her daily just to let her know I am alive.

I told her I believed her concern was not coming from a healthy place, ie : she was mad I was with someone instead of her and it has to stop as we had discussed this before and I was VERY clear that we would never be romantically or sexually involved in any way.

What more can I do or say? She stormed out when I tried to set boundaries and reiterated that this is a living situation and nothing more.

Is there anything I can do, or I have I just attracted another needy female into my life?

Last edited by v33; 23rd June 2008 at 9:15 PM..
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Old 23rd June 2008, 11:11 PM   #2
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Get her OUT of your house and find a male roommate. She still had feelings from you, even though she was your ex and living with you has brought out those feelings even more, making her emotionally attached to you and making her feel jealous. It's obvious she cannot handle "just friends."

You can tell her 100x that it's JUSt a living arrangement, but she can't help what she feels, that's why you need to ask her to move out. She can't help keeping out of your business, it's driving her nuts!

She's mad because she knows you're right..But probably won't admit that to you because she knows you don't feel the same towards her.

Time to talk to her, hopefully she'll able to find another place or stay with a friend.
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Old 24th June 2008, 6:24 AM   #3
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I agree. May as well give notice now since you both need time; you to find a replacement and her to find a new home.

She will make you miserable and run off any girlfriends you might bring home.
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Old 24th June 2008, 3:50 PM   #4
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Another viewpoint

Based on what you have said, it is clear that you take NO responsibility for what has conspired between you and this female roommate/friend of yours.

I don't believe you are being very honest here.

I can see several mistakes on your part already: for one thing you should not be living with a woman who isn't your wife or close relative. You've put yourself in a position loaded with opportunity for trouble so do not be surprised that you're having trouble.

Just because you have told this woman "we can never have a romantic or sexual relationship" doesn't absolve you of the responsibility to do the right thing. (i.e. not room with a girl who isn't your wife or family member)

I think you're at fault here too. Sorry.
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Old 24th June 2008, 3:52 PM   #5
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[Is there anything I can do, or I have I just attracted another needy female into my life?[/quote]

Particularly that last sentence. What's up with that? I hope someone with back me up on this.
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Old 24th June 2008, 4:09 PM   #6
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Well, you are perfectly entitled to your opinion that men and women should not live together unless they are in a relationship but in my experience it can be a convenient living arrangement. I have done it in the past and so have many of my friends. You do what you have to do in a big city with expensive rent.

Like I said, we discussed this months beforehand and I was very forthcoming and honest, and I would have expected that she was as well.

The situation is as I have described it. I cannot take responsibility for someone else's inability to accept the facts of a situation when they are presented to them.

So who am I not being honest with?

Last edited by v33; 24th June 2008 at 4:11 PM..
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Old 24th June 2008, 4:27 PM   #7
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Quote:
I can see several mistakes on your part already: for one thing you should not be living with a woman who isn't your wife or close relative.
No, the problem is, this ex of his STILL had feelings for him and got her hopes up. THAT is not his fault. Sure, it was a mistake and now he sees this, but to say that men and women as PLATONIC friends shouldn't live together, well, that's crazy. MANY women and men have buddy-buddy friendships that last a long time and have a general respect for eachother, let alone respect the boundries, don't cross lines etc..

V33, I answered your post yesterday - What are your thoughts on what I said? Are you going to talk to her, give her ONE more chance, or just tell her maybe it would be best if she moved out because it's obvious she can't handle a friendship, let alone live with you without getting her feelings/emotions get in the way.

joowels007, it seems you have some very old school ways of thinking and that's fine, but this poster needs help now on HOW to deal with this ex of his and/or get her OUT of his place without it turning ugly.
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Old 24th June 2008, 4:45 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
No, the problem is, this ex of his STILL had feelings for him and got her hopes up. THAT is not his fault. Sure, it was a mistake and now he sees this, but to say that men and women as PLATONIC friends shouldn't live together, well, that's crazy. MANY women and men have buddy-buddy friendships that last a long time and have a general respect for eachother, let alone respect the boundries, don't cross lines etc..

V33, I answered your post yesterday - What are your thoughts on what I said? Are you going to talk to her, give her ONE more chance, or just tell her maybe it would be best if she moved out because it's obvious she can't handle a friendship, let alone live with you without getting her feelings/emotions get in the way.

joowels007, it seems you have some very old school ways of thinking and that's fine, but this poster needs help now on HOW to deal with this ex of his and/or get her OUT of his place without it turning ugly.
Whichway, I did read your response and appreciate your suggestions. We did discuss the issue, and I feel we made some progress in understanding each other. The reason we had many discussions about the arrangement before she moved in was because I did consider that she may still have feelings but she insisted there would be no issues. This is why I feel blindsided by her reaction. I am an honest and straightforward person and what I say, I mean. I expected the same from a person I have known for many years.

As it stands now I am going to take her word that there will be no more of this. Even if she sincerely was just envious that I had a more active social life than her, to take that out on me is simply unacceptable. Talk about it sure, ask for advice, but I am not there to be an emotional punching bag.
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Old 24th June 2008, 4:50 PM   #9
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Maybe she thought she could handle it, but once moved in and living with you, the feelings took over..Hense the emotional stuff and jealously. Anyway, now she knows and hopefully she'll keep those feelings to herself and learn how to control them. If she pulls that on you again, then really think about asking her to move out.

There's a big difference between checking in and common courtesy between two friends and the over emotional jealously crap she threw your way. Glad she knows this now.
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Old 24th June 2008, 5:06 PM   #10
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Well, we shall see. I am not being a fiend here, I guess I am just a lot more logical and rational about these things. The way I see it, when two people who know each other and respect each other are talking and person "a" says "x" and person "b" says "yes, x", then I will accept that to be so.

I guess I have been shown that this is not the case in this situation, but hopefully we will get through it.

Thanks again. I am letting this one drop for now.
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Old 24th June 2008, 5:10 PM   #11
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Good luck and definately post an update - Good or bad - Though let's hope she stays on the straight and narrow.
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Old 25th June 2008, 2:55 PM   #12
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My thoughts are pretty much the same as everyone else on this: what she said doesn't represent how she feels, you need to find a new roommate.
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Old 26th June 2008, 8:46 PM   #13
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Is she cute?

lol.

J/k.

I think she still has the hots for you and when you put two single attractive people in the same area who got pasts together, there's bound to be something! lol.

She just needs to respect her boundries and not ger caught up with her feelings about you, you need to all out on the table.
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Old 26th June 2008, 10:49 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by joowels007 View Post
I can see several mistakes on your part already: for one thing you should not be living with a woman who isn't your wife or close relative.
Why not? Can't grown adults share a house without drama?

His mistake was rooming with a former sexual partner, not a woman per se.
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Old 1st July 2008, 3:53 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by mental_traveller View Post
Why not? Can't grown adults share a house without drama?

His mistake was rooming with a former sexual partner, not a woman per se.

I would have to agree with this. I had a male roommate and it worked out perfectly fine. In fact, it was one of the best rommate relationships that I have ever had.

As for living with a former sexual partner, I have never done that. I'm friends with two of my exes, and I might offer them a temporary place to crash if they were in crisis, but I would not agree to live with them on a full-time basis. If nothing else, I am really familiar with their habbits, and I know that it wouldn't be a good match.
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