Issues with my best friend

[Cannondale]

I've been friends with one of my buddys for years. We became very close right after a bad break up from his ex gf of almost 5 years. Ever since then and up until recently we have been the best of friends and we even agreed that we are more like brothers than friends, if that makes any sense.

But recently him and his dad had to move, he's moved around a lot his whole life and I guess this really shook him up. He dropped out of college temp. to get his head on the straight and to save some money. But really ever since the move he has been very weird towards me at times. Like we'll make plans to hangout, then something will come up for him and he wont even let me know whats going on, he just leaves me hanging. Or I'll call him to see whats up, he wont answer and then just sends me a message online instead of calling back. And yet he asks me for advice on almost everything, I'm only 22, I just don't have and answers a lot of the time and he seems to get pissed about it.

He's not in school now and not working at the moment, and a lot of the time he just says he's "too" busy when I know thats not the case. I work pretty much full time and go to school full time also and I can manage to find time to hangout with him.

I did not treat him the best when I was with my ex gf, but I appoligized for it and talked to him about, explained I was sucked in and didn't really realize what was going on, he understood. I mean idk if he's acting like this towards me bec. of the way I treated him or what, but we all make mistakes. I just feel like I'm dealing with a girl sometimes with him, friendship should be simple, not complicated.

So what should I do about it? Talk to him about how I feel? Just never had an issue like this with a friend before.

-Thanks

[Cannondale]

Anybody want to help out? I know I was a bit long winded, but I just don't expect my friends to be difficult.

[PookiePants]

I would say he might be a little salty about how you treated him before, but if you are guys, then I couldn't imagine it bothering him to the point of blowing you off. Men usually don't hold grudges like that.

 

My guess is he is just in a different place in his life, and maybe he wants to keep you as a friend, via email and such, but not a real life friend...do you follow me? I think we all have friends we keep in touch with via electronically, but we wouldn't necessarily call them for drinks.

 

I would let it go and try and hang with some other people. Leave him alone for a bit, and stop inviting him to meet. If he never asks you again to meet up, then you know you now have an electronic friend, and it's time to accept it.

 

I hope things work out.

[Ronni_W]

I just don't expect my friends to be difficult.

I think that may be the problem -- lately, your friend's life HAS been difficult for him. It seems that he has read you, loud and clear, that you are not up to supporting him through his challenges.

 

There is nothing inherently wrong with your position. As you've described things, it just seems that he needs something different than you are willing/able to offer him.

[Cannondale]

I think that may be the problem -- lately, your friend's life HAS been difficult for him. It seems that he has read you, loud and clear, that you are not up to supporting him through his challenges.

 

There is nothing inherently wrong with your position. As you've described things, it just seems that he needs something different than you are willing/able to offer him.

 

Right, I deff. see what your saying. But I do my best to be there for the guy. I mean I cant tell you how many times I sat up with the kid talking after he broke up with his ex, I don't regret it at all, and I'm very glad I could help him.As for the moving sit. I was the one who helped him move all of his stuff at night in sub zero temps after working all day. And I've tried my best to be there for him with the aftermath of moving. He asks me for advice on women and other things in life, I'm just as lost as him with most things. I've been more than a good friend to him, and I just don't feel like I deserve this treatment.

[Cannondale]

I would say he might be a little salty about how you treated him before, but if you are guys, then I couldn't imagine it bothering him to the point of blowing you off. Men usually don't hold grudges like that.

 

My guess is he is just in a different place in his life, and maybe he wants to keep you as a friend, via email and such, but not a real life friend...do you follow me? I think we all have friends we keep in touch with via electronically, but we wouldn't necessarily call them for drinks.

 

I would let it go and try and hang with some other people. Leave him alone for a bit, and stop inviting him to meet. If he never asks you again to meet up, then you know you now have an electronic friend, and it's time to accept it.

 

I hope things work out.

 

I do follow you, but this has really only been going on the last month or so. I just don't see how he gets to a different place in life in such a short amt. of time. Plus as for the treatment of him when I was with my ex, he did the same to me twice before in the past. I never said anything to him about though, as I knew he was just sucked in and didn't realize what he was doing.

[Ronni_W]

...I cant tell you how many times I sat up with the kid ... I was the one who helped him move all of his stuff ... I've tried my best to be there for him

Yes, I totally get that you are doing all you can...from within a too-narrow framework of what friendship means and how easy or difficult maintaining relationships "should" be.

 

What empathy and understanding have you offered directly to him for the fact that he had to leave school and is currently unemployed?

Have you considered that he may have found himself low on funds at those times he's been a no-show, is just too embarrassed to tell you the real reason, so makes up something about being "too busy"?

 

Are you both around the same age? You refer to him as "the kid" once or twice. Don't get bent out of shape but... is there some little part of you that feels, er, more adult or mature, more stable, more superior, in some way, shape or form? (That'll come through, and maybe as he matures he is recognizing it and not appreciating it.)

I just don't see how he gets to a different place in life in such a short amt. of time.

We do not have to understand it, for it to be true for someone else. I will tell you that my own life changed in the space of five minutes. Well, it was probably one minute but I always say five so it doesn't sound so freakin' crazy .

 

Actually, there was another minute that was also life-changing for me -- when I was told that my dad had died. He was on vacation, not sick at all but...BOOM! Life-changer for sure.

So...it's not a good idea to decide how much time it takes to change someone else's sense of security on the planet, and what they thought they knew about the world.

[Cannondale]

Yes, I totally get that you are doing all you can...from within a too-narrow framework of what friendship means and how easy or difficult maintaining relationships "should" be.

 

What empathy and understanding have you offered directly to him for the fact that he had to leave school and is currently unemployed?

Have you considered that he may have found himself low on funds at those times he's been a no-show, is just too embarrassed to tell you the real reason, so makes up something about being "too busy"?

 

Are you both around the same age? You refer to him as "the kid" once or twice. Don't get bent out of shape but... is there some little part of you that feels, er, more adult or mature, more stable, more superior, in some way, shape or form? (That'll come through, and maybe as he matures he is recognizing it and not appreciating it.)

We do not have to understand it, for it to be true for someone else. I will tell you that my own life changed in the space of five minutes. Well, it was probably one minute but I always say five so it doesn't sound so freakin' crazy .

 

Actually, there was another minute that was also life-changing for me -- when I was told that my dad had died. He was on vacation, not sick at all but...BOOM! Life-changer for sure.

So...it's not a good idea to decide how much time it takes to change someone else's sense of security on the planet, and what they thought they knew about the world.

 

The night he decided to leave school I called him and talked with him about it for a half hr. or so. I just told him he has to do whats best for himself and if that means leaving school temporarely, then thats what it is, and that nobody is going to think less of him for it. He's had more than a few chances to get a job, I even offered to get him into my place of work, nope he wants some perfect job, with perfect hours, and unfortunately thats just not going to happen. I will admit I do get short with him at times, and I'm glad you pointed some stuff out to me. My mom has been saying I'm too impatient with him and other people and that I need to look at stuff from their point of view. But I guess I'm still a bit lost, I treated him the same way when he broke up with his gf. I gave him sympathy, but also didn't let him mope around. This is what I'm trying to do is this situation also.

Oh yeah, we're both the same age, I am a bit older than him. But I just used "kid" as a catch phrase, no real meaning behind it.

I know I can come across as somewhat cold and uncaring at times towards other people, but how can I change this? And what would be the best way to go about helping out my buddy?

Thanks much

[Ronni_W]

Ack, it's so hard to do a thorough job in this medium, isn't it? Also, please remember these are just my interpretations and impressions -- I could always be totally off-base.

 

But recently him and his dad had to move, he's moved around a lot his whole life and I guess this really shook him up. He dropped out of college temp. to get his head on the straight and to save some money.

What I'm getting is that this most recent move and leaving school were somehow different for him. That they "had" to move and he subsequently quit school as well -- it just sounds like there might be something more in there, and it totally shook his sense of self or security or something important to the way he saw himself and how he felt his life was getting better or whatever.

 

So, while you are treating it "the same" as his other setbacks, that could be coming across as lacking understanding and compassion for whatever is different, this time.

Now, of course that's not all on you BUT it may be that he isn't even sure himself what is so different about this time, that has him so funked out -- he could be feeling it more than thinking it through.

 

It is one thing to say "no one will think less of you" and quite another to then act all impatient and like, "well, I gave him thirty minutes." If it is that he is emotionally fragile right now, then he is going to perceive EVERYthing as being about him being a loser or whatever he is feeling about himself. (Hope that makes sense? -- not that you are necessarily seeing him that way, but your impatience will reinforce it in his own mind.)

 

One way to go, is to just tell him that you're sensing a growing distance between the two of you (well, say that in guy terms ), and that you're unsure whether you are doing the best job of supporting him in the way that he needs.

 

At the same time, here is what you need from him...and be straight about that, too. (Take some time to figure that out, before you have "the talk".)

 

 

Then, a couple of other stuff you said, it sounds like you believe you "should" have all his answers, and when you don't...I dunno -- do you feel inadequate or get impatient with yourself or something like that? 'Cause that would then explain that you are redirecting your self-impatience on to this guy as well as those other people your mom is talking about.

 

So...that's more than long enough for this post. Repost if you need something clarified or whatever -- will do my best

Edited March 25, 2008 by Ronni_W
grammar

[Cannondale]

Idk, I've always been kind of the advice guy in my small circle of friends. I'm not bragging, but I've been told that I'm very good at taking the emotion out of a situation that has the other person screwed up on and I'm able to break it down and help them to make the right decision. It does kind of tick me off that I don't have all of the answers, but I can't, I'm only 22 and really am just a kid in a big world. But yeah, your right....it's a lot different this time. He just seems very bothered. Even my mom has commented that "something" is up with him. Idk, I guess I feel bad now for being impatient with him, lack of patience is deff. one of my flaws and something I'm working on. I'll see what the next couple of days bring and if stuff is still the same, I'll talk to him about it.

Thanks much!

[Ronni_W]

Feeling bad about your past actions is not all that productive . Plus, I wouldn't think it ncessary, based solely on the fact that you've always done the best you knew how to do...right?

 

The truth is that your posts demonstrate that you are caring of others and desiring of personal growth and development.

 

But it is NOT your job to figure out what's going on for anyone else, emotionally, mentally, financially or spiritually; or to try to determine what they need.

 

There are positives to being the "advice guy" -- but also many negatives, of which you're now feeling the effects.

 

If you tie up too big a part of your identity as the "emotion-free advice guy", [1] you are going to miss out on a lot of life's excellent emotion-filled stuff and, [2] you are going to put a helluva lot of pressure on yourself to always have answers for everyone else. (See above -- NOT your job .)

 

Both are a huge burden. Feelings of inadequacy, anger, frustration, impatience, etc. Tendencies to be perfect, to need to control, etc. (And I only know that cos I used to be the emotion-free advice gal.)

 

Not even "gurus" have answers for others -- we can each only get our answers through our own self-reflection.

 

When you lighten up on yourself (be more patient and forgiving of what you perceive are your flaws/weaknesses), chances are good that you'll also stop getting frustrated with what you perceive to be others' flaws and weaknesses.

 

Good luck! I hope things work out with you and your Bud.