Silent Treatment?

[gsf]

Hello!

 

I just wanted some outside opinions of my situation, though I must say I know in my heart what I need to do...

 

I have a male friend who I have known for many years. We have a history of having crushes on each other, friendship, and me wanting more but him deciding he doesn't. I have decided to keep him in my life as a friend and we have remained friends for a few years since.

 

We have frequent arguments because I want more time with him but he withholds that from me. He is truly a busy person with a demanding job, and that is hard for me to understand --- I always assume he is blowing me off. I bother him for more time, and we butt heads over it.

 

A few weeks ago we planned to go to a movie together, but rescheduled because he was working nonstop to meet a deadline. The rescheduled day came and I was very sick with the flu, called to reschedule again, and when I finally heard back from him he announced that he was sick and didn't want to go either. He said maybe we could go on the day I wanted to reschedule, but it depended on how he was feeling.

 

I called again a couple of nights later, 2 days before the day I had asked to reschedule for, wanting to see if we could make plans or not. He gave the same answer: it depended on how he was feeling. He would let me know. I became upset because I felt he had not shown much concern for me being sick and suddenly it had become all about him being sick and how he felt. I felt he had no respect for my time and was stringing me along. I had no idea if I should leave my weekend day open for the movies with him or not.

 

He told me we could probably go, but if he was still feeling sick, he wouldn't want to leave the house, but also said if I called and "yelled" at him again, he wouldn't want to go.

 

I felt threatened and of course stubbornly did the very thing he threatened me about. I called again, he put me to VM and I left a message. He never responded, never contacted me about the movies, and after a week of me trying to contact him in various ways and not getting any response at all, I believe he is giving me the silent treatment.

 

I've asked for him to let me know what's up, for him to communicate verbally to me whether or not there is a problem. No response.

 

Am I nuts? Is he giving me the silent treatment on purpose? We're friends, and both adults. Why would someone who says they care about you do that? Should I leave him alone now and just assume he is intentionally not talking to me, or should I be persistent in seeking communication to find out if there is a problem to solve?

[norajane]

Being too persistent is what got you here - yes, there is a problem and he's letting you know by not wanting to talk with you! So being persistent now is just going to make it worse.

 

Best let things chill out for a while without contact, then apologize to him.

 

But, you really need to rethink whether you can actually be friends with him when you want more. That's the root of the problems between you. You wouldn't react this way if it were just any other friend - it's your desire for more that puts so much weight on every meeting and interaction.

[whichwayisup]

If you want to stay friends with him, then you need to be one of the boys and accept him for who he is. He puts himself first and what he thinks and feels is more important than what you think and feel. Not saying he does that with his guy buddy's, but this is the dynamtic now between you two. Detach from him, otherwise your heart will continue hurting. His actions (and words, non-words) are telling you that he doesn't think you're that important to him.

 

Is he worth it? Honestly, he sounds selfish and has a slight a-holish attitude.

[gsf]

Being too persistent is what got you here - yes, there is a problem and he's letting you know by not wanting to talk with you! So being persistent now is just going to make it worse.

 

Best let things chill out for a while without contact, then apologize to him.

 

But, you really need to rethink whether you can actually be friends with him when you want more. That's the root of the problems between you. You wouldn't react this way if it were just any other friend - it's your desire for more that puts so much weight on every meeting and interaction.

 

Thanks for your response! I agree with most everything you said, especially the last part. However, rather than just apologize to him, I think I would rather let some time elapse and then try to start a healing conversation. He is not completely innocent either. I will admit what I did wrong, but we both played a part.

 

I'm ready to accept him for who he is and let go of wanting to be more than friends.