Efforts unrewarded...

[Yellowboy]

I figured if no one is going to make things happen, I’d have to take the initiative. And so I do, I plan out group outings, or call a friend or two and just have a drink, watch a movie or something. But you know what, they just don’t reply. Not even an email saying, “Sorry can’t come today.” Well gee, that’s great guys. I guess they just don’t like me.

 

The same goes with the workplace. I just wanted to get to know a few people outside of their working environment, and I don’t mean asking out female coworkers on a date. More like, a group outing have dinner and drinks and just enjoying dining together. Nope. No one is interested, or make excuses. For example, there’s this girl who would go all the way out just to hang out with people she claims “she isn’t fond of going out with”. When I ask her out for a group outing, she never replies. That really shows how I’m so hated :-/

 

I don’t get it. Either they’re all a bunch of asses which is impossible…so I must be in the wrong here. I don’t come off as flirty to the ladies, maybe I do lack the friendliness aura but I’m genuine in my words and actions. I have good casual relations with coworkers and friends, but I guess they don’t want to take it further?

 

It just seems like I put quite a bit of effort yet it's just unrewarded. I'm tired of it and I don't know what needs to be changed.

[Amy22]

I don't really have a lot of advice for you but I am kind of in the same situation. I don't have a lot of friends and so I have tried to go out of my way to invite people who I work with out to do things. I have had a few people come but know one I have really become friends with. It is depressing. But I have started to look at myself. I am not saying these things are true for you but for me I am insecure and that shows.

 

I found that instead of always inviting them to places I wanted to go I needed to be more open minded and see what they liked to do, where they liked to go and then tried to plan a meeting there. I also found that some people I work with want to be able to go out with their bf or husbands so I always tried to say they were welcome to come. Those things have helped.

 

I would try to find one person you feel that has the same interests as you and then try to pick something that the two of you enjoy doing and make a time to do it. Then invite people from work. If they come great, if not you will build a stronger friendship with the one person you made the plans with.

 

I don't know how big the place is you work for but when I invite people I always try to ask them face to face. I work for a small organization so that is easy, though it may not be possible for you if you work with a lot of different people.

 

It is hard because I think sometimes people already have friends that they do things with and sometimes it is hard to get them to try new things and leave the friends they normally hang out with to come out with you. Maybe if you say you are really looking to go hang out and meet new people they will invite you along to hang out with them.

 

I am sorry I haven't been able to offer a lot of advice but I hope something I said helped.

 

Amy

[Always Wrong]

Amy22 has a good approach. Start with one and build on that. My circle of friends exploded last night. I'm going to be needing this kind of advice to start over.

[Yellowboy]

Thanks for your comment

 

Yeah sometimes I do what I want, but equally, I also think of what others want and take on such activities instead. But even then, some people just don't seem to be interested.

 

I dunno, it could also be which friends are coming and girls in particular are very picky like "Oh I dont like that girl so I won't come", that sort of immature thing. I hate to be selective but I guess I need to choose who to invite depending on the activity.

[Always Wrong]

Could be... "conflicting clicks?" That's a definite possibility.

 

How long have you been there? Could it be too soon for this effort?

 

Try starting a football pool when the season comes back around. That's an excellent way to get the participants to go to the sports bar to watch the game they bet on... that is unless there's a company policy against sporting pools.

 

When it's agreed the winner of the pool picks up the bar tab, that usually gets an enthusiastic response. But then again I've recently quit drinking, so that's a hipocritical suggestion for me to make. Sorry.

 

You said, "But even then "some" people just don't seem to be interested."

 

Does that mean "some" people are taking you up on the outings?

[Yellowboy]

Could be... "conflicting clicks?" That's a definite possibility.

 

How long have you been there? Could it be too soon for this effort?

 

Try starting a football pool when the season comes back around. That's an excellent way to get the participants to go to the sports bar to watch the game they bet on... that is unless there's a company policy against sporting pools.

 

When it's agreed the winner of the pool picks up the bar tab, that usually gets an enthusiastic response. But then again I've recently quit drinking, so that's a hipocritical suggestion for me to make. Sorry.

 

You said, "But even then "some" people just don't seem to be interested."

 

Does that mean "some" people are taking you up on the outings?

 

Well yeah, but even if some people say yes, it's too small a crowd that the interest dissipates. We (including myself) would prefer a good mix of crowd if you know what I mean...for example, having myself and 2 other girls might seem awkward especially if its from the workplace, or having just 3 guys is also not as fun since we'd look like we're out looking for dates or something (it's ok if that was the purpose of the outing though).

 

I've been in the workplace for a year and others aren't too far off, maybe a difference of few months. Maybe it's also the age factor, but yeah, I feel a disconnect with some of the younger co-workers (Age difference is about 4-6 years which isn't THAT big IMO). I'm guessing age is one factor, but there are probably other reasons I'm not aware of.

[Kenyth]

Depending on who you're asking, it could be a lot of things. Coworkers who are married with children generally are very busy and have little time for adult social outings. Single with children is even worse. Either they're completely lacking free time (custodial parent), or broke (non-custodial). People going to classes are generally exhauseted all the time. Single, unattached people, or people with stay-at-home spouses who don't mind them going out are your best bet. It just seems like people are very busy these days. Longer work hours, dual income families, increased expectations on child rearing and home keeping. Increased adult education and physical fitness regimens. It all takes a toll. I only get to go out with or without the spouse once or twice a month, if that.

[Magnatolia]

No offence to the poster, but it sounds like you have a small selection of people who are interested. Instead of doing a big group invite just go to these people and individually suggest doing something as a group. And who cares if '3 guys' together looks like you're out looking for dates. If you don't try to pick up or get a girls attention they will know you are not out to pickup.

[Yellowboy]

The problem is, if I go out with the guys, they *are* out looking for dates. They bitch to me about not bringing any women in the group. I get so pissed why I have to pimp my lady friends to these guys, they don't even deserve them.

 

Then on the other side of the spectrum, if I go out with the girls, they want a mixed group of guys and girls (just so they feel comfortable, they are not looking for dates) so they flake out if it's not like that.

 

Sure, I can invite my guy friends then you'd have them chasing my lady friends, which, aren't looking for a hook up. Do you understand the dilemma I'm in now? If both were looking for dates, ok, I can hook them up, sure! But that's not what this is about, and I don't want to take that role either. My purpose is mainly to socialize and improve relations with co-workers and make new friends.

 

I go out in smaller groups with my closer friends, but you now, I want to socialize with different people too. That's what I'm trying to do here and yet it's just not working out. I've been doing this for months now, do I need to be more patient? I am just frustrated at this point.

[Ronni_W]

I guess they just don’t like me. ... That really shows how I’m so hated :-/

It just seems like I put quite a bit of effort yet it's just unrewarded. I'm tired of it and I don't know what needs to be changed.

 

I agree with Amy (post #2) that what needs to be changed likely is something within your own attitude.

 

Your efforts sound very much like they're all about getting your own social needs met, and feeling like a victim when others do not meet your needs for you. (I am unrewarded, I am tired of it = victim statements.)

And then you assume that their response is all about you, too -- they must not like you, they must hate you. Perhaps they just have enough friends or, as others have suggested, are busy with their own lives and problems.

 

How much effort have you spent in getting to know them on break or just in passing? When you ask "How was your w/e?" and they answer, "Took my kid to the zoo," do you express any interest in their child and the outing?

If they answer, "Had to rush my mom to emergency!", do you express concern and ask if there's something you can do to make things easier for your co-worker?

 

but equally, I also think of what others want and take on such activities instead.

Perhaps it's just how you phrased it but...it is much preferred to ASK others what they want/like than to assume that your thoughts about what they want/like are accurate.

 

I can't put my finger on it but there's an air of neediness and narcissism -- it just seems all "me, me, me, I, I, I."

It really isn't ANY fun (for others) to try and be friends with a personality like that.

[Yellowboy]

And then you assume that their response is all about you, too -- they must not like you, they must hate you. Perhaps they just have enough friends or, as others have suggested, are busy with their own lives and problems.

 

Well, I am beginning to think that way because at the office, they all pretend to be nice to people that they actually hate too. So, maybe I could be one of them, especially if they are keeping a certain distance. I try not to read too much of it though, I try.

 

It is hard to believe EVERYONE has enough friends or busy with their lives when they have personally talked to me about their "lack of friends" or "how bored their weekend" was, yet I make this offer going out together, they don't want to get involved in it.

 

How much effort have you spent in getting to know them on break or just in passing? When you ask "How was your w/e?" and they answer, "Took my kid to the zoo," do you express any interest in their child and the outing?

If they answer, "Had to rush my mom to emergency!", do you express concern and ask if there's something you can do to make things easier for your co-worker?

 

Again, same as above, some talk quite personally about their lives and I am a good listener and I give them advices. I show concern to them, not just listen and walk away like I don't care. You can see my other threads if you want, but I was trying to make friends with a co-worker, but it didn't go further. I let that pass. But it is hard to believe this needs to happen to every person at the office.

 

Perhaps it's just how you phrased it but...it is much preferred to ASK others what they want/like than to assume that your thoughts about what they want/like are accurate.

 

I can't put my finger on it but there's an air of neediness and narcissism -- it just seems all "me, me, me, I, I, I."

It really isn't ANY fun (for others) to try and be friends with a personality like that.

 

Sorry if I make myself sound that way but I am far from narcistic, but I admit I can sound needy because right now I certainly do feel lonely. You can also see what I've gone through in my previous posts if you want, but it's really been tough times for me trying to break into a new social circle. I think about what others want vs. what I want, so I take great care in what I plan in the activities. Being self-centered, naricistic is the last thing I should be known for...

 

Anyhow, I don't know what the cause is, but I really appreciate what everyone is saying here, and any more inputs are welcome!

[Ronni_W]

...they all pretend to be nice to people that they actually hate too.

It is hard to believe EVERYONE has enough friends or busy with their lives when they have personally talked to me about their "lack of friends" or "how bored their weekend" was

I'm glad my first impressions were wrong - thanks for clearing that up.

 

Is it really your goal to make friends with people who "pretend to be nice"? -- how will you ever truly respect and trust them?

 

You're right that it seems kinda strange for people who are complaining about their lack of social life to blow-off chances for a social life. But, unfortunately, that brings me back to looking at your approach.

 

Is there someone you like and care about, that you could ask for an honest AND KIND appraisal? Give them permission to tell you the truth as long as their intention is to be helpful and loving.

[Yellowboy]

Is it really your goal to make friends with people who "pretend to be nice"? -- how will you ever truly respect and trust them?

 

Well I think I know some of the reasons behind such actions. If you are in the office and the manager is not liked by others [he comes off as this creep who harasses people], it's difficult to show your dislike. Some are just merely being diplomatic, others perhaps lacking confidence so they're not assertive, etc.

 

You're right that it seems kinda strange for people who are complaining about their lack of social life to blow-off chances for a social life. But, unfortunately, that brings me back to looking at your approach.

 

Is there someone you like and care about, that you could ask for an honest AND KIND appraisal? Give them permission to tell you the truth as long as their intention is to be helpful and loving.

 

I have talked to two people about it, but they both gave me similar answers. They claim they're really not that close with such and such person, even though it looks that way from a third-person standpoint. They just say yes to going to the bar with people they don't necessarily like because they feel it's an obligation "to maintain good relations in the office." I just thought that's a lot of BS that people go through just to keep things in order at the office. Don't get me wrong, it's ok to be diplomatic, but there should always be a limit.

 

But regardless of that, I want to prove that I don't need this BS from anyone and they can be honest with me. I throw off that vibe ("Come on let's be frank with each other!"), but at the same time, maybe they are intimidated with my attitude.

 

Maybe they are or aren't good friends material, but at this point, I don't know them much on a personal level so I want to give them a fair chance. I already know where I stand with some people, so I keep relations with them at their comfort level and that is fine by me.

 

Again, this can't be everyone imagine...I hope I at least make one friend in this office!