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My best friend is avoiding me. What do I do?


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I'm not looking for speculation as to why my best friend isn't speaking to me in person. I just need to know what's best to do.

 

My best friend and I were so close before this happened. She is giving me personal training sessions, goes to meet me after my job interview, does everything and more you'd expect amate to. But one night I got a cob on and abruptly told her to f### off. Needless to say that this didn't go down too well, and ended up not speaking.

 

I've seen her since, I bought her flowers to say sorry which she said she loved. But since I last saw her (after the incident) she has cancelled every rendez vous and is texting me very seldomly. She has said that she needs space but I have no idea where I stand and whether it is my fault or if it is something else. Regardless of who is at fault I am her best friend and am quite worried. I want to know what's wrong and how I can help but I don't want to impose and upset her.

 

There was a hint that the friendship could go further but I feel I blown that now and I need to know what you think about making amends.

 

Thanks if you can help.

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There are few things more powerful and disarming than an apology. Flowers might have seemed like one, but saying "I'm sorry" in person is the real deal, and will open up a dialogue. And when that dialogue happens, you must muster up all your strength and just listen without getting defensive and all.

 

The ball is in her court right now, and you need to respect that, even if she sounds unreasonable. It will take guts on your part. But in my experience, the friendships that survive this sort of thing become deeper and are the ones worth holding on to.

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There is nothing further you can do. your friend will call or text you when they feel that they are no longer angry at you. My friend and I have an argument it seems like every month. and she would call text me funny jokes and riddles.. but until I am ready to forgive I just ignore the text or just respond with a "yes or no answer .. or thanx.. Im sure she will come around but you cant force her to forgive you, she has to on her own,

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There was a hint that the friendship could go further but I feel I blown that now

 

What do you mean? Further how?

 

Best thing to do is give her the space she is asking for.

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I know you said you aren't looking for comments as to "why" she isn't speaking to you, but it sounds like you aren't sure yourself:

...I have no idea where I stand and whether it is my fault or if it is something else.... I want to know what's wrong and how I can help but I don't want to impose and upset her.

... so I think any corrective measure can't be considered separate from the issue of why she isn't speaking to you.

 

I can't help but think it comes down to this:

But one night I got a cob on and abruptly told her to f### off. Needless to say that this didn't go down too well, and ended up not speaking.

If it were truly 'just friends', as others have pointed out, friends have spats, and within some kinds of 'friends' relationships, they can forgive and move on. But especially in the case of a relationship that has a recognized potential for "going further", she was probably processing - among other things - whether she could open herself up completely to you, which means trusting you deeply.

 

For whatever reason your "f*** off" came, I think if she was considering opening up to you and "going further", this shocked her into pulling back to protect herself.

 

So to your fundamental question: what do you do about it? Well, she needs to feel safe in order to trust you. Yes, a heartfelt apology is great, but it mostly does the job of validating her feelings and letting her know that you hear her, and empathize with her. These are good and important, but they are not necessarily enough, by themselves, to rebuild her trust and assure her that she will be safe with you in the future.

 

If your blowup was over some specific issue or argument, then you could perhaps reassure her by revisiting the topic rationally and coming to some middle ground or at least hearing each other out respectfully. That may serve to put the bad experience in the past.

 

On the other hand, the more "random" the blowup was - if it was just out of the blue because you were feeling grumpy and you took it out on her - the harder it will be to rebuild her trust. If she can associate it with a specific issue, then you guys can work it out on that issue, but if it was a random blowup, then she will probably just incorporate it into her view of who you are, and that will really shake her trust. Convincing her that it was a one-time thing never to be repeated may be a hard thing to do in that case.

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Yeah I think it was a random rant. We have seen each other since and she did hug and kiss saying that we're still friends and that it's ok. Just her behaviour since hasn't suggested that. She does know I'm under a lot of stress atm (depression, plus moving house and going for job interviews) and although it can't be used as justication she does understand that I would have flipped eventually at anything.

 

But that's helped me see it logically and realistically. I'll let her stue for a bit as she will hopefully appreciate that as a best mate she knows that if she needs time alone I will understand and give it to her. But it's tough and I let her know that I'm worried about her and our friendship/potential relationship.

 

We'll see, I'll give it a bit longer.

 

Cheers guys

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I'm not looking for speculation as to why my best friend isn't speaking to me in person. I just need to know what's best to do.

 

My best friend and I were so close before this happened. She is giving me personal training sessions, goes to meet me after my job interview, does everything and more you'd expect amate to. But one night I got a cob on and abruptly told her to f### off. Needless to say that this didn't go down too well, and ended up not speaking.

 

I've seen her since, I bought her flowers to say sorry which she said she loved. But since I last saw her (after the incident) she has cancelled every rendez vous and is texting me very seldomly. She has said that she needs space but I have no idea where I stand and whether it is my fault or if it is something else. Regardless of who is at fault I am her best friend and am quite worried. I want to know what's wrong and how I can help but I don't want to impose and upset her.

 

There was a hint that the friendship could go further but I feel I blown that now and I need to know what you think about making amends.

 

Thanks if you can help.

 

It sounds like she may have only been trying to date you this whole time... now she thinks she has no shot and is giving space to try to get over you. That's the best theory I can come up with.

 

This post is interesting because I'm going through something similar lately except I like the girl and I have no clue if she feels the same. I said something I shouldn't have last week and apologized immediately. I thought we were ok but now I haven't heard from her in like a week, and she typically IMs me almost every time I'm online. I'm trying to give her space too, and see what happens.

 

I think we both need to just marinate for a little while before contacting her.

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Oviously your comment upset her and that is why she pulled back. Was she doing anything different before that, like maybe getting closer to you (emotionally or physically)? If she was trying to hint that she liked you, then she may have taken your comment as rejection.

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Oviously your comment upset her and that is why she pulled back. Was she doing anything different before that, like maybe getting closer to you (emotionally or physically)? If she was trying to hint that she liked you, then she may have taken your comment as rejection.

 

Not sure if you're talking to me or the OP, but this girl confuses the hell out of me on a regular basis, so I don't have a clue at this point. I think if anything were to happen I'd just have to come out and tell her how I feel.

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Oviously your comment upset her and that is why she pulled back. Was she doing anything different before that, like maybe getting closer to you (emotionally or physically)? If she was trying to hint that she liked you, then she may have taken your comment as rejection.

 

She did tell me 4 days b4 the incident that everything thinks that we're going out and that she would go out with me if we weren;t such good friends. God knows what's happening I just don't like not knowing where I stand.

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She did tell me 4 days b4 the incident that everything thinks that we're going out and that she would go out with me if we weren;t such good friends. God knows what's happening I just don't like not knowing where I stand.

 

She's putting distance in the friendship now. Maybe you guys won't be such good friends... maybe now she can date you?

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She did tell me 4 days b4 the incident that everything thinks that we're going out and that she would go out with me if we weren;t such good friends. God knows what's happening I just don't like not knowing where I stand.

 

Since last week she has been in touch saying that she is trying to sort herself out and to save money. She is hoping to start her own Personal Training business so understandably that takes time and money. She did also say that I haven't done anything wrong. So I don't feel to blame.

 

Yet, she is still not really telling me what's happening. We are supposed to be best friends, and truthfully I love her. So I can't help but feel that this is stressing me out. I've been suffering from depression and am trying to recover, which is taking some time but progress was being made. But it feels like the more steps she seems to be taking forward, the more I am taking backwards, and I am confused.

 

I want to be her friend and I do seriously understand and honour that she needs time away. But as she's not saying anything about why she's taking time out, only that she's ok I feel very confused as to how I feel at the minute. Should I be this stressed out? As a best friend, do I have a right to ask her what she's doing? I know really that it's none of my business if it's something that she wants to keep private, but if I'm that bothered about her, and where our friendship stands should I let her know how I feel about it, or is that selfish? Is it selfish for her to be holding out like this without saying a word to not just me, but to anyone? I don't think other people are that bothered, they are just letting her be. But they don't love her like I do.

 

Can anyone offer advice? Sorry, I know it's an ongoing thread but it's something that's burning inside of me, and is not the only thing bothering me at the moment (other none friend related things, but equally as important). So the less I have to deal with right now, the better.

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Since last week she has been in touch saying that she is trying to sort herself out and to save money. She is hoping to start her own Personal Training business so understandably that takes time and money. She did also say that I haven't done anything wrong. So I don't feel to blame.

 

Yet, she is still not really telling me what's happening. We are supposed to be best friends, and truthfully I love her. So I can't help but feel that this is stressing me out. I've been suffering from depression and am trying to recover, which is taking some time but progress was being made. But it feels like the more steps she seems to be taking forward, the more I am taking backwards, and I am confused.

 

I want to be her friend and I do seriously understand and honour that she needs time away. But as she's not saying anything about why she's taking time out, only that she's ok I feel very confused as to how I feel at the minute. Should I be this stressed out? As a best friend, do I have a right to ask her what she's doing? I know really that it's none of my business if it's something that she wants to keep private, but if I'm that bothered about her, and where our friendship stands should I let her know how I feel about it, or is that selfish? Is it selfish for her to be holding out like this without saying a word to not just me, but to anyone? I don't think other people are that bothered, they are just letting her be. But they don't love her like I do.

 

Can anyone offer advice? Sorry, I know it's an ongoing thread but it's something that's burning inside of me, and is not the only thing bothering me at the moment (other none friend related things, but equally as important). So the less I have to deal with right now, the better.

 

There aren't really any right answers to any of those questions. She feels what she feels and you feel what you feel. Her view of what's ok might not match ours. YOU just have to be strong enough to trust your own intuition and not be afraid to do what you think is right. If you want more, tell her.

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