I'm a girl with no female friends

[shadowplay]

I'm 23 year old woman, and I haven't had another female friend since I was 18. All of my friends are guys. I feel kind of bad about this, but I'm not sure what to do. The problem is I don't trust women at all. I've had such terrible experiences with female friends in the past (cattiness, backstabbing, jealousy, you name it) that I practially avoid other women like the plague. As a young kid I was "friends" with a group of girls who relentlessly verbally and physically abused me. It took such a toll on my self esteem that I was deeply depressed through most of my childhood and still haven't completely recovered. In high school I tried to make new friends, hooked up with another gruop of girls who without explanation suddenly stopped talking to me one day. The same thing happened in my first year of college. I was part of a tight knit group of girls and suddenly they started ignoring me. Never explained why. And it's not just the cliques...my individual female friends have also treated me badly. Practically every female friend I've had at some point made a disparaging comment about my looks at one point or another or always acted super competitive around me. I don't want to write off women altogether, but my past experience makes it tempting to. I feel like I need some female friends in my life to be healthy. Are most girls just like this? How do I make friends with girls who are actually decent people?

[laRubiaBonita]

Are most girls just like this? How do I make friends with girls who are actually decent people?

 

girls can be like that yes, that is why you befriend women.

 

most of my female friends are at least 10 years older than me. they are established, confident and happy- these adjectives are the most important part when having friends of any sex and any age.

[McFadden]

I think sometimes with tight knit groups they have 'group think' and all make decisions together. I have had the same thing happen both with a group of girl friends in high school and a group of guy friends last year. Apparently one or two people didn't like me and it permeated the entire group. I still hang out with most of those guys but not the entire group- most of them like me, but a couple people who control the group don't.

 

That is why I have mostly individual friends now, I'm trying to form my own circle that I'm the leader of so that doesn't happen again.

 

As far as having no girl friends I don't know if its a problem. I only have a few but they are really weird and tom boys so I don't know if it counts. I don't avoid women at all but sometimes its harder to get to know because I don't feel like I have anything to talk about, and it seems like they already hang out in groups that are established that I wouldn't fit in.

[Yamaha]

It's much easier to be friends with men.

 

Why do you think that is?

[doiask42much]

Because they are less judgmental and don't usually talk about you behind your back or act nice to your face if they don't like you. If they don't like you, you will know. With women, it's hard to tell. So you have to put yourself out there more, and there is often less reward for doing so. Even platonic guy friends can occasionally validate your ego with compliments (because women routinely say nice things to one another, the compliments seem less meaningful) and they often insist on paying when you go out, whereas when I go out with women, it's every girl for herself and they sometimes even stiff you!

 

With guys, you know where you stand, you don't have to be all insecure about it and wonder what's going on. You don't have to worry if something you said or did was taken in an offensive way. That's what I've found anyway. Being a bit rough around the edges, I find that I often say things that offend women without meaning to, and then I overcompensate and completely change who I am in order to try and get them to like me. It's hard!

[doiask42much]

I've found women are flakier also and more high maintenance. You have to keep in touch pretty regularly, whereas with guys, it's whatever.

 

I do wish I had more gfs, but I have a hard time meeting new people, let alone clicking with any of them. I feel like I'm in no man's land, too old for people in their 20s and too "young" (possibly immature) for those who are married/settled.

 

That and the problem of people often not having time for those who are not established friends they go way back with. But between work and other commitments, I myself find I have little time or energy to devote to making new friends, even though I say I want them. I guess on some level I am afraid of being rejected, as I was pretty much by the last girl I tried to befriend. I think it was sort of a mutual rejection. Others who said "let's hang out," I called and they were like sorry, can't make it and then we never talked again.

[norajane]

It's much easier to be friends with men.

 

Why do you think that is?

 

The guys are attracted to her. And the girls are jealous.

[shadowplay]

I've found women are flakier also and more high maintenance. You have to keep in touch pretty regularly, whereas with guys, it's whatever.

 

I do wish I had more gfs, but I have a hard time meeting new people, let alone clicking with any of them. I feel like I'm in no man's land, too old for people in their 20s and too "young" (possibly immature) for those who are married/settled.

 

That and the problem of people often not having time for those who are not established friends they go way back with. But between work and other commitments, I myself find I have little time or energy to devote to making new friends, even though I say I want them. I guess on some level I am afraid of being rejected, as I was pretty much by the last girl I tried to befriend. I think it was sort of a mutual rejection. Others who said "let's hang out," I called and they were like sorry, can't make it and then we never talked again.

 

I agree with just about everything you said. Do you have a lot of guy friends? Men are easier to relate to because you don't have to constantly guess at what they're thinking. They tend to be pretty down to earth and easy to read -- at least I find they are. They're also less judgmental and detail orientated. A girl will size another girl up and down and mock her for little things like wearing the wrong shoes, making a subtle social faux pas...etc. Girls also seem to cave to what others think more, so if one girl in a group doesn't like you the rest will follow.

[shadowplay]

The guys are attracted to her. And the girls are jealous.

 

I actually had one experiencee where a "friend" stopped talking to me because she discovered the guy she liked (who didn't like her) liked me. I wasn't even that friendly to him and had absolutely no romantic interest in him yet she held it against me. I'll never understand that.

[Yamaha]

The guys are attracted to her. And the girls are jealous.

 

 

Touché.

[Tyra]

You don't need friends to enjoy this life.I don't have alot of female friends because like you said the jealousy, backstabbing, all of that. I can count on one hand who are my true female friends.It'll take time to find out if someone is truly a true friend. You're not just going to find one or some overnight. Enjoy life by yourself.You came in this world by yourself, so you can definetly make it alone by yourself.Think about it? Cheer up and you'll make it through life just fine.O.K!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Shadowplay,

 

I would've somewhat agreed with your statement, and those of the other posters, maybe 10 - 15 years ago. I didn't have a single good female friend all through high school.

 

I used to have more male friends than female friends. And even today, a couple of my very close pals are male - I've been friends with them for more than 10 years now.

 

But today, I am very much appreciative of my female friends as well. Being with female friends has its own comforting influence. With male friends, you have to be one of the guys. That's why you need girl friends -you can act like a girl, which is what you are.

 

I've also discovered that when you really need someone to listen, nothing beats a good, level-headed, sincere female friend. Males are not wired to listen, plain and simple.

 

In my opinion, having at least one or two good female friends is a must.

Contrary to what some of the earlier posts suggest, I think women make the best friends - they are much more caring and involved.

 

If, at 23, you're still finding your girl friends to be catty and snooty, it's time to get away from that girl-group. and find completely new ones. If women your age seem flaky, how about building friendships with slightly older women, who are more mature individuals?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I have to say, I TREASURE MY GIRL FRIENDS! Don't know what I would do without them! They are all time tested and true and not high maintenance at all, but they are friendships developed over years. They come from all walks of life and different situations but we CHOSE each other, none of them have ever been forced friendships.

 

That said, I'm in many situations with groups of very nice, intelligent women, but I choose to stay on the fringe or out of the loop as I call it, because these group dynamics are uncomfortable to me for TRUE friendships, but are fine for aquaintances and social gatherings here and there.

 

I don't look for friends, I hardly have time to water then ones I already have! But, every now and then I meet someone who I know right away that I click with. Met a woman at a friend's shower some months back and I knew the minute she walked into the room that I liked her. We exchanged numbers and have slowly started developing a very nice friendship. She's a keeper!

 

I love my guy friends, and yes they are easy, not petty, or trite, but they are also undependable! Trying to make group plans and including the guys is maddening for me because they don't plan!!!

 

I think the best way to make friends with other women is to start on an individual level and to be on the look out for someone who has the qualities that are important to you in a friendship.

 

I meet a group of women one night a week for dinner and it is absolutely the thing I most look forward to each week. We catch up, laugh together, make fun of each other and of ourselves, and its the best therapy I know. We actually met years ago through a mutual hobbie and anyone is invited to invite someone into the group dinner. Its gotten to the point that some of the other customers will sit at our table until all of the group arrives because there are a lot of regulars and we provide alot of the entertainment!

 

I have a sister though that has never had a REAL girlfriend in her life. I understand why actually, but it's always been weird to me. She had a few guy friends growing up, but no long term friends EVER. People tend to come in and out of her life like its a revolving door.

 

I've never "lost" a good girlfriend, though a few have moved FAR away.

[Sweet Chestnut]

Difficult question.

Maybe you should ahve ask them back then.. as why they didnt talk to you all the sudden.

You might reject them unconscioulsy due to your fears inheritated from childhood bad treatments from girls, but you dont have to carry this stone around all your life.

The best will be for you to go out, and your guy friends must have girls too, so why not hang out with them as well?

That could be swell.

The best is to have friends like tha tor at oyur job place.

Of course hte kind of friendship you cna develop with girls is different than with men at many levels, but you are only 23 and all is not lost.

You had your share of bad experiences, and i have also experienced that also with male friends for the backstabing, and jealousy and petiness too.. Guys can be real chikens at itme, and gossip like old aunties!

So thats not just girls that do that.

Maybe you have to work out your fear or apprehensions towards girls, and be more willing to talk to them and to make friend with them and it will happen.

[Sweet Chestnut]

The guys are attracted to her. And the girls are jealous.

 

Sad enough, that could be the case and explain everything..

Maybe you have a touch with guys they do not have and therefor this happen. i have no problem making friend with men, and my 2 best friend are a man and a woman.

I dont count others as real friends more as acquintances with more or less reliability.

Those 2 are htere and they are there for life and death and i am there for them as well.

Specialy the girl whom i have known for so long.

You will have to found a girl that likes you as you are and with whom the chemi is right on from the start.

I never knew of girls who were interested in how oyu looks like and only interestd in criticising me, maybe i was in contact with another kind. I have seen that, but they were quiet young, and not my type.

You can see whom you can trust from one look into their eyes.

Thats what i do and i have never been wrong.

Its like watching ones soul, like an open book, right there, in their eyes.

[Trialbyfire]

I'll sum up the difference between male and female friends by using a superficial example.

 

Let's pretend that I can't decide if I prefer to buy a basic green or a blue widget which is solely for form and has no function.

 

Female: Well, if you consider where you're going to put the widget, the green widget doesn't go very well with the rest of the environment you're planning to put it in. I would get the blue widget.

 

Male: Yeah, they're both okay. Did I tell you I bought a red widget and it's so cool? It has 15 electronic features and blinks when someone walks by?

 

[blind_otter]

Because they are less judgmental and don't usually talk about you behind your back or act nice to your face if they don't like you. If they don't like you, you will know.

 

That's a load of fantasy wrapped in a dream. You know they talk about you behind your back because everyone talks about everyone else behind their back. I remember being friends with guys who called other girls "sperm bank" behind their backs. The worst was when these two guys both slept with the same girl and called her "dry puss" behind her back. Let's just say I've been witness to reality being far from how you described it above.

 

With guys, you know where you stand, you don't have to be all insecure about it and wonder what's going on. You don't have to worry if something you said or did was taken in an offensive way.

 

The men I've been friends with must secretly be women, then. Hah. I wouldn't be surprised. That said, I've been friends with some namby pamby boys who get spooked at the least offensive jokes or comments. I also get to hear hilarious stories from my SO about his group of friends because he talks about all of them to me. Let's hope he's not talking about ME to all of THEM.

 

Men and women are both prone to the same pettiness. They just express it differently.

[McFadden]

That's a load of fantasy wrapped in a dream. You know they talk about you behind your back because everyone talks about everyone else behind their back. I remember being friends with guys who called other girls "sperm bank" behind their backs. The worst was when these two guys both slept with the same girl and called her "dry puss" behind her back. Let's just say I've been witness to reality being far from how you described it above.

 

That is so darn true. I noticed that my guy friends always talk about each other, or girls they know and its usually in a negative way. Yes, guys seem more teasing and open each other's face, but behind the person's back is when the really negative stuff comes out. It seems like whoever isn't present is being talked about, I have concluded that when I'm not present I'm probably being talked about. Its pretty hard to find anyone that doesn't gossip. I know of one person on this planet that doesn't. Its a friend of my mom's, and she is part of an unusual religious sect that takes a vow against it.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I can't believe that there is so much talking behind each other's back. We do make fun in the absence of someone but as soon as that person comes around they are made aware of everything that was said about them (in love and fun). We also have a joke that if you are not there to protect yourself anything goes! But we all can't wait to tell, its not ugly, its giving attention.

 

Also, if I go to one friend (except one girl) then I know without saying that what I confided is held in confidence. One of the group isn't capable of this for personality reasons and we know this, so we don't tell if we don't want everyone to know. Doesn't mean we don't like her, infact we kid her about it.

 

None of the guys are that emotionally charged so they usually could care less than to talk behind peoples backs.

[McFadden]

None of the guys are that emotionally charged so they usually could care less than to talk behind peoples backs.

 

I don't know youre age group but maybe in teens- early 20's everyone is emotionally charged? Some of the most negative comments are made by the guys about each other. One guy will talk about one of the others all day and make the most nasty comments and then they are buddies around each other. I stopped being friends with one guy because he was repeating all of the secrets about the entire group to me, telling me that it was because he trusted me the most. Then I found out he was talking about me to them, too. It disgusts me, but I talk about people too although I try to keep it on a lighter note. Its human nature.

[bones]

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulty making female friends. Yet, I'm glad to hear I'm not alone. I've had difficulty relating to women also. It is for many of the reasons you mentioned-- jealousy, etc. I got married a bit later and had my child at 35. Up till then, I was extremely active in outdoor activities. Because I exercised a lot, I was always able to keep up with the guys. When I went skiing, I went with the guys on the black diamonds-- most of the woman stayed on the bunny hills. When I went for bike rides, it was with men because no other women wanted to ride for 25 miles. They were also too afraid to go rock climbing. I also had a career in a male dominated industry that also required I travel. I'm not afraid to fly into a strange city, rent a car and drive where I need to go. I'm not much of a shopper, I don't like gossip. I like to talk about possibilities, business, and travel. I know there are great women out there that can related on all these topics-- as well as being a mom and wife. Unfortunately I haven't met any in a long time. My female friends are the ones I've had for 25-40 years. I've made several new male friends with great ease.

 

I don't think it is strange, but it has its challenges. The wives of my male friends are pretty cool, but their radar is always up--as is my husbands. He gets frustrated because I hang out with men. Unfortunately, that is just me. I become very restless and unhappy when I don't see them, because then my world becomes a closed circle of home, job, grocery store. That is depressing. When I try to break into a network of women, I feel like an outcast.

[serial muse]

Okay...I don't doubt that you've had this experience, or anyone else's who posted...but I have to say, I read this stuff and just find myself thinking, who are these women???

 

I have lots of female friends, and they're generally awesome. Sure, they're human and some can say stupid stuff at times, but my closest friends have always been there for me, supportive and caring and honest and not backstabbing in any way, shape or form. And who are these women who can't talk intelligently about politics, possibilities, and travel???

 

I mean, obviously I do know and have met people like that - notice I say "people," because I think it applies to men too - but it's never been overwhelmingly my female acquaintances who are like that, in my experience. :confused:

 

Sigh. I think it's like otter said - men and women are prone to the same pettiness.

[blind_otter]

Okay...I don't doubt that you've had this experience, or anyone else's who posted...but I have to say, I read this stuff and just find myself thinking, who are these women???

 

Agreed. Although I've been stabbed in the back by too many women to count, the sad fact is I have been back-stabbed by an equal number of men. So I suppose the question isn't "who are these women" - more like who are these PEOPLE.

 

And sad to say, like attracts like. I got stabbed in the back when I hung out with drama addicts and freaks. Why did I hang out with drama addicts and freaks? Well. Because I was a drama addict. And a freak. I'm still a freak but that's beside the point.

 

When I got therapy and started re-vamping my life, the drama addicts and freaks naturally fell away. I find myself surrounded with female friends that I like and trust, now. If they try to talk about people behind their backs I casually steer the conversation away from that type of talk because it makes me uncomfortable.

 

But I've also sort of accepted that people will talk **** about me behind my back. Hell, my entire family does it. And we're related by blood. I can't really expect better of the human race than I do of my blood relatives.

[serial muse]

And sad to say, like attracts like. I got stabbed in the back when I hung out with drama addicts and freaks. Why did I hang out with drama addicts and freaks? Well. Because I was a drama addict. And a freak.

 

 

But I've also sort of accepted that people will talk **** about me behind my back. Hell, my entire family does it. And we're related by blood. I can't really expect better of the human race than I do of my blood relatives.

 

That's true...it's always delightful when I discover my mom and sister have been talking about me. But I suppose the difference is that it feels to me like that ultimately comes from a place of love and concern; it's annoying but nothing more. I don't really think of that as backstabbing, which seems to have malice at its core, or at least a wild selfishness and drama, as you said, otter.

 

Anyway, I won't go so far as to say my friends and I haven't gossiped about each other and said judgmental things - just like my family - in the course of the several decades I've known several of them. Hey-ho, that's life, people disagree and get snitty. (My exH was actually the worst gossiper I knew, FWIW; he lived for that stuff.) But with my friends, we would say it to each others' faces too, and we always talked it out like adults eventually, so no big.

 

OT: there is the cutest little birdie outside my office window right now. awww. /OT

[bouncingheart]

in my expirence.. it's hard to find decent guys friends.. all they wanted was down my pants.. My girlfriends are all married and kids.. so they are different.. In highschool I didn't have many girlfriends either.