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20-year friendship going out the window


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About a month ago a conflict came up with the woman I have called my best friend. She brought up a financial issue of mine (equity I got out of a family house) in a group conversation. I felt this was inappropriate and insensitive, and asked that it not be discussed. She dropped it, but in that moment something inside me said "Get out of this. Absolutely do not give her this access to your affairs again. Ever." She had facilitated the deal, and she seemed to believe that this gave her license to discuss it. From my perspective, her move was unprofessional and indiscreet, and really made me question her judgment.

 

We didn't speak for over two weeks, during which I was moving my mother into assisted living. I've been managing her well-being singlehandedly for the last six months, and my life has been stressful and exhausting.

 

There is more background on the situation here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t122511/. In any case, when I eventually did have a conversation with my friend she attacked me for "biting her head off." She made no attempt to understand my perspective. There have been other times in the past when she believes I have "lashed out" at her. In all honesty, I'd say 4 times in 7 years. While our friendship has been long and meaningful, during stressful periods she has an uncanny way of pressing my buttons. No other relationship in my life functions this way. I have worked very hard on my ability to manage intense emotions in stressful situations, and while my reactions have become smaller, her anger each time has gotten bigger. In the beginning of this cycle, it seemed manageable and proportionate to the situation. Not now.

 

A few days after our conversation, I sent her an e-mail in which I tried to address the fact that we keep hitting the same barriers. By this time, I really wasn't sure I wanted to stay in the friendship - but I also wasn't ready to bail. Her response came yesterday, and consisted largely of accusation. No objectivity, no consideration of my feelings. And still, she had this notion that the friendship could continue. Not for the first time, there was a kind of "you can't let me go" message in it. Reading the e-mail, I had that "Alice through the looking-glass" feeling - again, not for the first time.

 

I am in a kind of shock. And yet I feel strangely calm, as though what is happening needs to happen.

 

I still have to clear out my mother's house and sell it, and I don't know what the future holds for her. She has 88 and has dementia, but her physical health is good. I have some relatives, but no siblings, and I am really kind of alone. My friend has been a major presence in my life, but I think that is changing. We have many friends in common. They acknowledge her eccentricities and controlling personality, but regardless I am concerned about the impact of this event with them, and on a longterm group dynamic.

 

 

I would greatly appreciate people's perspectives. Thank you in advance.

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Angelina Nisse

It sounds like you are both dissatisfied with the friendship. The fact that she continually does this, tells me she has some definite hostility.

I would take that as a sign that it's time to let it go.

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This_Too_Shall_Pass

Gala,

 

Some people just have a big mouth. They are good friends, caring even, but they have absolutely no idea when it's necessary to keep quiet. This seems to be half of the problem, with your friend.

 

Actually, I would've forgiven a one-time slip from her side - sometimes people say or do things that come out as "insensitive", although they're not intended badly.

 

But then, when you say that even your common friends think she is "controlling", I see the other half of the problem in her being the type that likes to take credit.

 

This type of people like their help to be publicized and made a big deal out of, and revel in the public adoration. The controlling part of her manifests in this need for being seen as the savior.

 

 

Speaking of friendship, there are all kinds of friends. Rarely do you find a perfect friend, most of the time you have to accept people's shortcomings and pin your expectations accordingly. Nobody's perfect - you and I included - so we would do well to first understand what we can entrust others with.

 

Maybe this lady is not the type who can be your "best friend", although she certainly can be a good friend. After all, you've been friends for 20 years - she has helped you many times, and stood by your side, regardless of her shortcomings.

 

I think it would be a good idea to take it easy right now and let this battle boil over. You're right in deciding not to involve her in very personal issues - keep those away from the friendship. Your friendship may end up being on a different level, but that will be for mutual good.

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Thank you both for your thoughtful replies. Over the weekend I spent the day with another longtime friend of ours, whose response was that I was absolutely doing the right thing. He sees her very little, and is basically content with that.

 

Meanwhile, I am less agitated as time passes since that last e-mail exchange. In my view, the friendship as it has existed is over. It has gone through various permutations in 20 years, but there has always been a basic understanding that we were important to each other. These issues have overridden that. Regardless, I am getting support from friends and family on this -- and I'm starting to get my wind back after these exhausting months.

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