doiask42much Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 I ask because I repeatedly have disagreements that end with me giving this person I know a tongue-lashing, primarily because I do not respect his core values and the behaviors that result from them, and I've told him so, yet he continues to rub them in my face and/or use a communication style I find aggravating. I do my best to keep a civil tongue but seem to fail over and over again, in spite of having good intentions. He invariably ends up apologizing to ME and wanting to continue our "friendship" and I then feel deep remorse for being a b*tch. Then we start talking again and the cycle repeats itself. I do not especially like this person but he wants to be my friend, and I feel I'm not in a position to be picky, as I don't have a lot of friends. Also, my failure to keep things pleasant with him, I fear, speaks of something wrong with me. Maybe on some level I enjoy having him as a punching bag to take out my frustrations on? I honestly don't think so though. I actually feel bad about the things I say to him but I just find him so...goddamn annoying. We always start off just fine but things unravel pretty rapidly. Most of our interaction is online since I rarely make time to hang out, so I am wondering if the medium has something to do with it. I have another friend that I don't have a lot of respect for, however, and we get along fine enough. I guess it's because she uses a pleasant style of communication and isn't annoying? But...maybe I'm too easily annoyed? I don't really know. Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 Pertaining to the question I think its possible. Some of my friends are people that I don't consider to be worthy of respect for different reasons (they are liars, moochers, have cruel tendancies, ect.) I associate with them because they have been decent to me, we have fun hanging out and I like them- but I keep them at an arm's distance if I think they may burn me. Its possible for me to find likeable qualities in even people who's choices I look down on and don't respect. However in your situation, I don't see why you want to be friends with this person. You said he irritates you and you don't like him. You aren't obligated to be friends with someone just because they want to be friends with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Aurora Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 I guess it depends. It is one thing this person does that you don't respect - or is it bigger than that, like part of their belief system. I have had so-called friends that had certain biases towards others that I did not respect. However, I could be friendly with them. But, this was because I had to (friend of the family). Had it been someone I could have avoided I am sure I would have chosen not to spend any time or energy on them. Also, being friendly and courteous with someone doesn't mean they have to be a true "friend". There are many many levels of friendship. I can not in any way see me having a good friendship with someone I had no respect for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doiask42much Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 Pertaining to the question I think its possible. Some of my friends are people that I don't consider to be worthy of respect for different reasons (they are liars, moochers, have cruel tendancies, ect.) I associate with them because they have been decent to me, we have fun hanging out and I like them- but I keep them at an arm's distance if I think they may burn me. Its possible for me to find likeable qualities in even people who's choices I look down on and don't respect. Very well put and a commonsense approach to friendships, thanks. I assumed I was being rude to him because I don't respect him, but your whole first paragraph kind of debunks that notion. I guess I try because he isn't a bad person or anything and seems to mean well. I think he just has some cognitive deficit or something. He has a hard time following things I say, answering questions I ask, not saying things I've told him I don't like (calling me dear, laughing uproariously when I haven't said anything funny, attributing words with meanings different from those in the dictionary), that sort of thing. In a way I guess I feel sorry for him but I lose my patience almost every time. He was in a coma briefly and is on meds and oftentimes pot. I guess I wonder why he even wants to be my friend at all. I've made it clear I have zero romantic interest and he's well aware. I guess I don't really want to be his friend but I don't know how to tell him no. I have tried a few times but it always ends with him talking me out of it. I'm a pushover, I know. Perhaps because I would not want to be on the receiving end of such treatment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doiask42much Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 I guess it depends. It is one thing this person does that you don't respect - or is it bigger than that, like part of their belief system. It's because of his superficial values and his total lack of respect for himself in his life choices. It's like he WANTS to be a doormat and craves drama, almost. He has no dignity at all. Also, being friendly and courteous with someone doesn't mean they have to be a true "friend". There are many many levels of friendship. Right. He often goes on and on about how close we are and how much he tells me, which makes me feel awkward as I don't see us as being close at all, and I have said as much, but he still sings the same tune. And I try to be courteous, but I can't even seem to muster that, as he can't carry a conversation properly and I get quickly flustered. He tends to offer a lot of opinions then not address questions I have about them. Lately it's been my job search. He's a recruiter, so of course I want to know what he thinks and why. I get the whats but not the whys, and he makes a lot of blanket statements when he is a newbie in his profession. I guess we need to stop chatting online because he seems to have ADD and really can't follow what I'm saying or pay attention for more than ten seconds at a time. Interestingly, we haven't fought in person. I just rarely make time to hang out with him because I don't really value him. Does that sound awful? Link to post Share on other sites
WhiteKnight Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 Well from my own point of view, you can not always 'respect' your friends in a sense. Whatever they do, whatever they are like etc is something you can accept them who they are or leave them alone totally. To be honest, a person who treats the person in foul manner against that person only if something is wrong just tells you there is an ISSUE between you and him. So to give you some good advice, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Best to talk on other things and keep your distance from him. He won't harm you I would think. Besides you are your own person of course, you can always decide in a manner of that you stay away from that person or tell them the truth that you dislike what they do and perhaps just leave it on a cool manner to quickly drift away as soon as possible. I have done this to an ex-gf of mine, what she did to me was very low... cheated on her husband with me and dumped me for another guy, and then dumped him as well but begged for us to be friends with her. Meh. I betrayed her in the end and told the husband what she did and deserved it. I was exiled for awhile but the friendship between myself and my ex was such a battling one to be simply put. I don't care if she values me or not, besides that kind of story is nonsense to me anyways because after let's just say... I had felt like being used and all, I treated her badly and disrespected her in a manner of she doesn't want to acknowledge the truth. In the end, she finally got my respect slightly when she wanted to treat me right and fairly. So I don't know for now, however to be honest, I do find it slightly odd doiask42much when you mentioned that you and the other person don't seem to fight in person... strange. Well I guess there is something with that, as you said that you don't really value him. Perhaps is that telling you that you don't value him as a friend or aquaintence? Perhaps what you are feeling is true but something is holding this together in a manner of that you don't mind talking to this person now and then, so I think you can say its a casual friend to talk to. Or simply an online friend to be more precise. I have some people like that, just a small tip. I wouldn't be too concerned if he or she does not communicate with you, in the end they will dift away or stay very distant from you of course. *shrugs* Try not to stress over it, believe me its not worth the time. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 Interestingly, we haven't fought in person. I just rarely make time to hang out with him because I don't really value him. Does that sound awful? I wouldnt be surprised. Friends that wind up fighting fight because of failed expectations...kind of like relationships. People fight and argue because they care, but on the other hand its so easy to walk away or not give a damn if you have no care about the relationship between you and the other. No its not awful, people do it all the time. Seeing value in someone cant be turned on/off like a switch. Someone's value is only relative to our current/future needs. Its easy to respect someone and not want to be friends with them. On the other hand being friends with someone often means we accept for them for who they are - flaws and all...But still I think we need to have a certain amount of respect in each other in order for a friendship to function properly - its a different form of respect, but it is nonetheless. But in any case, it is hard to be friends or respect someone who's needy like your friend (needy for friendship). Link to post Share on other sites
0217174 Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Well I can relate to you on the part about not having too many other choices. I don't know you're situation, maybe you drifted away from older friends or something, I dunno, but I guess the question is: If you did have someone who is what you consider how a friend is supposed to be, would you say screw the other guy and forget about him? Probably right. But, I know how when you're kinda needy for friends (not saying your 'needy') you end up continually seeing a less-than perfect person. So I guess the answer (and I should take my own advice) is that you shouldn't be concentrating on whether to stay friends with this person, but where and how to find someone else. Ok, that's pretty obvious, but.. hey, I'm on the same boat Link to post Share on other sites
Pixie-Minx Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 you are compltely in a situation to be picky! your friends determin who you are as a person! Link to post Share on other sites
Author doiask42much Posted June 29, 2007 Author Share Posted June 29, 2007 Well, I think on some level I want to prove I am not a bad person by being able to tolerate him, but he just tests my patience severely. I honestly wouldn't care if we never spoke again, but he always initiates contact. Some days it goes fine and I think, oh, this isn't so bad, but other days he works my last nerve. To illustrate, the other day, I called him pathetic for bragging about his online "fame" (yes, he used this word) that allowed him to bag five (oooooooh...FIVE) girls from online. He KNOWS I think this kind of stuff is juvenile but he keeps bringing it up wanting me to praise him for it, then I just go off. He is an attention whore, except he's a scrawny, goofy-looking guy, not a hot chick, but he acts like he is. He wants to be famous for doing nothing, like Paris Hilton. I signed off on him and then I felt a little bad for being so harsh. The next day, his first words to me? "Hi." Just like nothing happened at all! I was dumbfounded. Honestly, my not having a lot of friends has very little to do with our "relationship" at this stage; it's more to explain why we became friends in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doiask42much Posted June 29, 2007 Author Share Posted June 29, 2007 And I have told him repeatedly and explicitly what things he says/does that I dislike in no uncertain terms. I think he has a cognitive deficit and is extremely forgetful from the bump on the head that put him into a coma. Other times I forget about that and assume he just doesn't care what I think and I get irked. Another thing that makes it weird is that he'll praise me constantly and never say anything nasty to me in reply, which makes it extremely hard. And times I've blocked him he always contacts me from some other screen name or email (he has many) and begs me to unblock him, promising to be a better friend, etc. I'm not even asking him to be a better friend, really, more just to leave me alone. But I feel bad asking for this as he hasn't ever really done anything wrong to me other than annoy me and be pathetic. Heh. But then I am a moody sort. Some days, as I said, he's borderline ok. Most of the time, completely retarded though. Link to post Share on other sites
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