Lack Of Friends.

[Rufio]

My Issue Isnt With A Friend, Its More Without One. Lol.

 

My Problem Is..

 

I've Changed School And Moved House So Much, I've Never Been Able To Hold Down Any Friends..I Had One Amazing Friend, Who Turned Out After About 4 Years To Be Not So Amazing. We Dont Talk Anymore. Its Not That I Miss Her. I Miss Being Able To Talk About Girly Things,Like Sex And Guys, And One Tree Hill.

 

I Have a Wonderful Partner, I Couldnt Wish For Someone Better, And I Have 2 Girls At Work Who I Love,But I Want Some Out Of Work Girly Friends, Who I Can Watch Dirty Dancing With, And Who Will Actually Tell Me Straight If I Look Ridiculous In An Outfit.

 

I'm A Good Person, Nice and Helpful, But Strong Minded And Opinionated, I'm A Scorpio, So I've Got A Sting, But I Treat Friends With Upmost Love And Care.

 

Help???

 

x

[Steveto]

hmm..you a picky person or you only consider close friends as friends and not really colleagues as friends?

 

For me..I have a lot of colleagues that I can call up and go to lunch or maybe go out on the town etc and close friends that I can share more private stuff about me with...you know..

 

Just because you moved and switched schools is no excuse..you have to want to connect and meet people..I've been to 7 schools, 3 universities and have averaged 2 addresses a year since '94 (when I went off to University), not to mention I lived in the states for a year and Europe for 3.

 

Opinionated is good..as long as you can back up what you say...any good friend will respect your opinions even if he/she doesn't see it that way. What do you mean by strong minded? Stubborn?

 

I realize people are different and not everyone has it easy when meeting new people..I almost take it for granted that I can do that so easily, but it is also my downfall, because when I meet a girl that I am interested in..I quickly become "friends"..within 5-10 min..it's over..she's a friend and no more.

 

Common interest groups are awesome for meeting people and volunteer work as well. You can find these on places like meetupdotcom and maybe craigs list.

[doiask42much]

Rufio,

 

I can totally relate. Or...sort of relate. I don't have many friends either; I guess that's why I came on here! Where do you live? It seems like many of the people on LS are up for organizing meetups with other posters who live in their area. You should start a thread suggesting that! I'm relatively new to the site but most of the people seem cool, friendly, and personable.

 

Steveto, it IS hard to maintain friendships when you've moved around (not an excuse), especially during your formative years (jr high through college), when lifelong friendships are often forged. Friends you make later in life never stick quite the same, and many of these people already have friends they have been friends with since back in the day, so you can never be more than a third-tier or second-tier friend at best.

 

YOU may have moved around a lot and been able to maintain your friendships in spite of it, but the fact is girl/girl relationships require a lot of regular maintenance to stay strong, whereas guys can go for years with no contact and then pick up right where they left off. Because girls take things personally (myself included) and value emotions and communication, it doesn't work that way for us.

 

Also, many women are a touch flighty and self-interested (don't make an effort if there is no gain for them; would rather spend time with men who flatter their egos and buy their dinners) and others are insecure and fearful of imposing themselves where they are not wanted (me). When I try to suggest getting together with girls and they say sure but then nothing comes of it, I get this nagging suspicion I am not liked, when it probably has nothing to do with me. I think most girls are somewhat passive and used to being pursued, so sometimes it's hard for us to get over ourselves and ask other girls to hang out repeatedly and really plan things to do and make them happen. I know this is a difficulty for me. I'm a scorpio also and I think I tend to shoot my mouth off and it's not many women's cup of tea. I am working on filtering myself better and saying positive things when I think them, but I do still slip up from time to time. Bottom line for me is, I know I'm a strange bird and most other girls don't like me, so I've had to change the type of person I am in order to have any friends at all, which kind of sucks, but that is how it is. Another thing, I find a lot of the women I meet a bit inane and/or competitive, so that doesn't help. I think a large part of that is where I live though? (L.A.) I hate to think all women are this way everywhere.

[Steveto]

Hey, thanks for the insight..I never looked at it like that. My apologies..but I guess women interpret information differently. Well..you know..gay guys DO make good friends for girls too...I can't tell you what the diff is from a girl and a gay guy...beats me..

 

umm..what about the gym..fantastic way to meet people..Yoga, Pilates, Aerobics? Ya, what city are you in? Maybe I could introduce you to one of my friends and grow your circle from there.

[Rufio]

Wow, Thanks, Doiask412much, Great Reply. I'm Looking For Down To Earth People Like You Not The Bitchy Materialistic Type Of Girls That Seem To Be Around These Days. ITs Cool Being Friends With Guys, But Its Nowhere Near As Good As Having Girl Mates. I'm The Type Of Person Who Prefers To Have A Few Very Close Friends..How About You?

 

 

I'm In England, Norwich If You Know It..

 

I'd Love To Live Somewhere Like LA. And Dont Let Anyone Bring You Down, Cause You Sound Really Great.

 

 

 

x

[Rufio]

Steveto - Yeah Female Friendships And Male Friendships Are So Different, Guys Dont Hold Grudges Or Take Things As Personally..

 

I'd Love A Gay Guy As A Friend. Seriously Would. It Would Just Be The Perfect Situation, But They're Hard To Come By!! Know Any!?!

 

I'm In Near Norwich, Where Are You?

 

x

[Steveto]

Oh hmm..my sister is in London..or around there..don't know exactly..she is in Film..We're both from Canada, but I live in central Europe...Not sure if you guys would click or anything...my sister and I are very opposite, but we get along. Well, I will be visiting her in 2 months or so for a weekend..she is definitely an interesting person to meet and we can go for a coffee/beer to chat and see how it goes, but she is busy...shooting things..whatever it is she does. I have no idea where Norwich is..closest I have been to London is Heathrow..haha..No Gay friends in England..all in North America, but let me check through the grapevine and see if anyone is there...you never know..most of the people I know travel a lot.

 

Oh..I hold grudges.. but rarely do I have them...when I do..it's for life.

[Rufio]

Wow, Lucky Girl. Personally, I've Always Had A Passion For Acting. Norwich Is About 3 Hours From London.

 

I'm Just Not Sure How To Go About Making New Friends..People Fill Their Friend Capacity And Dont Let Others In..

 

x

[Steveto]

I don't have a "friend" capacity..hehe

 

no..my sister isn't an actress..used to be..she is actually in film..like she went to school for directing and all that stuff..right now she works somewhere in northern England..I dono..but not London...she went tos chool in London..I just say London because I don't exactly know where in the UK she is..haha

[doiask42much]

Rufio, it's true that most people do have a "friend capacity," simply because time and energy are finite. Between work, school, family, significant others, and children, you really do have to pick and choose who you make time for, which is why it's difficult to become a fixture in someone's life later in life. I am noticing that many people on here are from the UK, though I'm not sure where exactly. Would you consider trying to organize a get-together? Maybe after you've chatted with some of them a bit more you'll feel more comfortable? I know it's never easy putting yourself out there, but most of the people on here seem like decent sorts, yourself included. Too bad we are not closer together, you and I!

[Starry-eyed]

Rufio and Doiask42much, I can relate, too! I've always had a hard time making friends and maintaining friendships. As a child, we moved around alot, too, and started many different schools which made me, a shy girl, even more shy and always feeling like an outsider.

 

I'm an adult now, about to enter middle age, and the only close friends I have are related to me by blood: my mom and my sister. I'm getting divorced and really want to make girl friends. I am trying at work, but it's hard to find people that I have anything in common with or would even want to spend time with.

 

So, I don't have any real suggestions, but just wanted to offer my empathy and say I'm always glad to know I'm not the only friendless adult!

[doiask42much]

Hey, at least you're close to your mum and have a sister. Only child here, distant mother. Not to be all woe is me or anything. Heh. I guess we can all be online friends? Or is that too hokey?

 

I recently put quite a bit of effort (for me) into befriending a girl I met at a party and it failed quite spectacularly. In this instance I didn't feel too bad, as she was clearly off her rocker, but it was still discouraging and I was quite taken aback by her attitude. Oddly enough, when we met for dinner, I was as nervous as I would've been going on a date, if not more so!

[Starry-eyed]

Hey, at least you're close to your mum and have a sister. Only child here, distant mother. Not to be all woe is me or anything. Heh. I guess we can all be online friends? Or is that too hokey?

 

I recently put quite a bit of effort (for me) into befriending a girl I met at a party and it failed quite spectacularly. In this instance I didn't feel too bad, as she was clearly off her rocker, but it was still discouraging and I was quite taken aback by her attitude. Oddly enough, when we met for dinner, I was as nervous as I would've been going on a date, if not more so!

 

Yes, I think we should be online friends! I just don't see too many "real world" options right now. I'm sort of making friends with a co-worker, I mean more than just passing aquaintences, but I don't know if we'll really be "friends." I can't tell if we really have any common interests other than griping about work, and I can't tell yet whether I really even "like" her, if you know what I mean. Like her enough to be friends outside of work.

 

And I am very thankful for having my mom and sister close. It's a blessing. doIask, I'm sorry your mom is distant. Do you get to see her very often?

[doiask42much]

These days, not so much. She always puts it on me to visit her. "You must come to the mountain, the mountain doesn't come to you," she once said to me. Ironically, she is a teeny tiny thing! Like four foot ten. Lately I've spent my weekends commuting to visit my bf, who lives 50 miles away, and my motivation to see my mother has been very low, since I would have to leave his place early and drive 50 miles to her place then another 30 back home to my empty apartment afterward. Not very appealing. I feel like a very bad daughter for not seeing her more, but the strange part is she doesn't seem to care at all. I wonder what is worse?

 

I know what you mean about coworkers. I was getting to be close with a few of mine but lately have not been hanging out with them at all. Part of it is that everyone has been really busy, but I really don't think we have anything in common at all other than work and perhaps enjoying beer. They often have email threads not unlike the ones on LS and I often don't have any witty remarks to add and feel myself becoming an outsider, even within this small clique. I get the distinct impression that one dislikes me but tolerates me, and another finds me ok but too...blunt for her taste? She's very conservative and somewhat religious. It really is so hard to find people you like who like you back, isn't it? Even on a platonic level. I can be quite picky myself, or perhaps it's a defense mechanism.

 

Where do you live, starry? What are your interests? Maybe you'll get to hang out with your coworker after work and find out more? Happy hour maybe?

 

My roommate is a teacher and off for the summer now. She's gone home to Chicago so it's going to be just lonely little me here for 10 weeks. Ack. I guess that's why I'm on LS. Sad!

[Starry-eyed]

These days, not so much. She always puts it on me to visit her. "You must come to the mountain, the mountain doesn't come to you," she once said to me. Ironically, she is a teeny tiny thing! Like four foot ten. Lately I've spent my weekends commuting to visit my bf, who lives 50 miles away, and my motivation to see my mother has been very low, since I would have to leave his place early and drive 50 miles to her place then another 30 back home to my empty apartment afterward. Not very appealing. I feel like a very bad daughter for not seeing her more, but the strange part is she doesn't seem to care at all. I wonder what is worse?

 

Hah, that sounds like such a mother thing to say to a child: "You come to the mountain, the mountain doesn't come to you." It's just loaded with that parental guilt deal where the parent wouldn't even realize that they're playing into your guilt. Hah, maybe someday we'll be saying it to our kids.

 

It's probably not any more fair to think of yourself as a bad daughter than your mom as a bad mother, since it takes two people to have a relationship. If your mom doesn't seem to care, what do you have to feel bad about? Unless it bothers you that you haven't seen her. Long drives suck, though. And sometimes coming home to an empty apartment also sucks. But sometimes it's good! And fun!

 

 

They often have email threads not unlike the ones on LS and I often don't have any witty remarks to add and feel myself becoming an outsider, even within this small clique. I get the distinct impression that one dislikes me but tolerates me, and another finds me ok but too...blunt for her taste? She's very conservative and somewhat religious. It really is so hard to find people you like who like you back, isn't it? Even on a platonic level. I can be quite picky myself, or perhaps it's a defense mechanism.

 

Funny how so many of us never outgrow cliques. Maybe if I were "lucky" enough to be in them, I wouldn't give them up, either. But I think of myself as pretty open to everyone and willing to give anyone a chance to be friendly. We have many cliques at work and in a way I envy the people, because they always have friends to go to the cafeteria with, or go to lunch with, or just talk to. But yes, it's hard to find people that I like and that like me back! We must both be picky. I think it just means we have good taste.

 

 

Where do you live, starry? What are your interests? Maybe you'll get to hang out with your coworker after work and find out more? Happy hour maybe?

 

My roommate is a teacher and off for the summer now. She's gone home to Chicago so it's going to be just lonely little me here for 10 weeks. Ack. I guess that's why I'm on LS. Sad!

 

Sorry you're lonely, doIask42much! Hopefully you'll find some fun about being solo for 10 weeks. Getting to watch what you want on tv, blast the stereo, not put your clean clothes away? Where is your roommate for 10 weeks?

 

I live in Oregon. Where do you live? And I just don't know anyone who shares my main interests, which are bad movies, movies from the 70s, books (especially sci-fi). I don't even have a lot of interests! What are yours? And Rufio, what are yours? If I ever get to England, I will visit you for friendship! But I have never been off the North American continent.

[Rufio]

Hey!!! Sorry I've Not Been Keeping Up With The Convo, I Operate LS From Work, And We're Real Busy At The Moment, Wanted To Say Though.. I Have Made A Friend..And Although Hes A Guy, I Think We'll Stay Close, He Works On The Yard And Pops Into The Office to See Me very Day A Few Times, We Get On So Well. His Name Is Jimmy, But I Call Him JimmyTimmy. I'd Definatly Love To Talk To You Two About Things Online!!

 

MY Interests Are Music, Film, Dance, And Sex.. Lol. I Also Like To Cook, I'm Now Starting In a New business (Aswel As My Current Job In Engineering) Called The Pampered Chef. They Sell Amazing Kitchen Products, and My Role In The Company Is To Put On Food Shows, And Cook For People Using The Products IN Order To Sell Them..

 

I also Love Acting & Singing.

 

You Two?

 

x

[Starry-eyed]

Oh, I love Pampered Chef! I have their mixing bowl, I think it's called like the batter bowl or something? It's nice, thick glass and you can pour from it. I also have their measuring cup that is like one tube inside a sleeve and can do dry ingredients from one end and wet from another. Plus, some measuring spoons and bamboo spoons. They're a little expensive, but they seem to all be good quality.

 

Good luck in that Rufio! You will probably make friends just through Pampered Chef alone.

 

Isn't it nice to have someone at work to talk to? For some reason I usually have an easier time making "friends" (more like just better aquaintences at work, not really friends) with men than women. Right now I have one guy aquaintence/friend. He knows my STBX-H and he just split up with a long-term girlfriend, so we've emailed each other for support and stuff.

 

I'd still like to make girl friends, though. What kind of movies do you like?

[Rufio]

Loads. Everything. I Love Tv Box Sets Like Scrubs, One Tree Hill, The O.C...

 

Films, I Love Anything.. Bridget Jones, The Crow, The Lost Boys, Dirty Dancing, Step Up, Mad House,Shrek, Wallace & Gromit, Monsters Inc, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Troy, 300, LOTR, The Girl Next Door, A Knights Tale, The Labyrinth...Hundreds More!!

 

I Cant Wait To Start Doing The Shows, The Products Are Ace.

 

I Love Having Guy Friends, But Its Nowhere Near As Good As Having A A Tight Bond With A Girl Mate.

 

x

[doiask42much]

Starry, I always feel guilty about everything. What I'm doing, what I'm not doing that I should be doing, etc. I need to work on this. She and I haven't even spoken on the phone for like a month; I guess I'm sick of it always being on me and her seemingly making no effort at all. And I am usually the one to give her things, bring her things, and on occasions such as birthdays and Xmas she has given me very small and odd presents that make me feel unloved and like an afterthought. I don't hate her or anything; I kind of think she doesn't know how to love and just does the best she can, which isn't much. Ditto re: my dad, who lives halfway around the world.

 

About cliques, I have a strange desire to be liked by all, even those I don't like. Dunno why that is. But I have to accept that I am not everyone's, or even many people's, cup of tea. Glad to hear you've made a good friend at work! Historically, like you, I've always done better with males than females, but now I'm starting to worry that this speaks of some character deficiency on my part and want to try harder to cultivate relationships with females.

 

Roommate is a teacher so yeah, she's off for the summer. Lucky duck! You are right though, she's a bit anal retentive so it'll be nice to slob out for a bit and hang out in my underwear (it's getting warm).

 

I live in L.A., which I keep blaming for my failure to find friends. Heh.

 

What bad movies do you like? Have you seen Dead Alive by Peter Jackson? If not, you should. I love bad movies. Any recommendations? I'm always looking to add things to my Netflix queue.

[doiask42much]

Starry, I always feel guilty about everything. What I'm doing, what I'm not doing that I should be doing, etc. I need to work on this. She and I haven't even spoken on the phone for like a month; I guess I'm sick of it always being on me and her seemingly making no effort at all. And I am usually the one to give her things, bring her things, and on occasions such as birthdays and Xmas she has given me very small and odd presents that make me feel unloved and like an afterthought. I don't hate her or anything; I kind of think she doesn't know how to love and just does the best she can, which isn't much. Ditto re: my dad, who lives halfway around the world.

 

About cliques, I have a strange desire to be liked by all, even those I don't like. Dunno why that is. (Parental issues?) But I have to accept that I am not everyone's, or even many people's, cup of tea. Glad to hear you've made a good friend at work! Historically, like you, I've always done better with males than females, but now I'm starting to worry that this speaks of some character deficiency on my part and want to try harder to cultivate relationships with females.

 

Roommate is a teacher so yeah, she's off for the summer. Lucky duck! You are right though, she's a bit anal retentive so it'll be nice to slob out for a bit and hang out in my underwear (the weather's getting warm).

 

I live in L.A., which I keep blaming for my failure to find friends. Heh. What's Oregon like? I always imagine it's very green and everyone is pleasant. Where in OR do you live?

 

What bad movies do you like? Have you seen Dead Alive by Peter Jackson? If not, you should! I love bad movies. Any recommendations? I'm always looking to add things to my Netflix queue. Good movies too.

 

My bf reads sci-fi books exclusively. I shall have to ask him for recommendations for you. I saw him reading Tad Williams? And Michael Morecock? Unfortunately I don't have many interests either! Maybe I'm just not very interesting...

 

Cooking, dining out, music, movies, I went to a couple of concerts this past weekend. Normal stuff, I guess. Mucking around online. I would like to paint but I have been too lazy. I have been reading too, but one was a terrible chicklit book (ahem) called Bitter Is the New Black, and the other is a history of the porn industry, which I haven't yet finished. It's called The Other Hollywood. It's told in a documentary-style narrative, which makes it easy to pick up and put down whenever. It's a big, thick thing though, I guess fitting seeing it's about porn. Ba-dum-bum!

[doiask42much]

Rufio, my roommate had a few Pampered Chef items, among them a sort of...ceramic or stone kind of plate that you lay under a pizza to help the crust brown properly?

 

I love foodieism and am much more a wannabe than an actual foodie since I'm far too lazy. My own cooking, with the exception of Vietnamese things I make, probably more mirrors Rachel Ray-style cooking (gasp!) but I love watching Top Chef and eating at chichi restaurants. The few times I have attempted to make anything elaborate, all the ingredients cost a small fortune, and I put so much pressure on myself to have everything turn out just so, with mixed results. Any tips? Suggestions? Re: easy-to-make stuff that doesn't require a million different ingredents.

 

What kind of music, film, and dance do you like?

 

I just saw your countrymen the Police this past weekend, and they were still great. I also saw Gwen Stefani (not so great), but Lady Sovereign was opening for her, and I really like her a lot. Do you totally hate her? I hear back in England she is somewhat scorned. I think she's great.

 

Rufio and Starry, has either of you watched Flight of the Conchords? If not, you should! If you have, whaddaya think? I just got done watching the last of Arrested Development on DVD via Netflix. Sad that such a great show is over. Highly recommended viewing if you haven't already seen it.

[kali420]

I have hard time meeting new friends. I used to hang out with people from my old work a lot. Now that I don't work there anymore, I hardly see them. I consider them friends...sometimes i think they're more of acquaintances. I mean they are the closest friends I've made since I left my hometown. We're not fully close, like my best friends from back home. It's just hard finding those connections for me.

[Starry-eyed]

Loads. Everything. I Love Tv Box Sets Like Scrubs, One Tree Hill, The O.C...

 

Films, I Love Anything.. Bridget Jones, The Crow, The Lost Boys, Dirty Dancing, Step Up, Mad House,Shrek, Wallace & Gromit, Monsters Inc, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Troy, 300, LOTR, The Girl Next Door, A Knights Tale, The Labyrinth...Hundreds More!!

 

 

Rufio, so you watch all the American shows? Scrubs is pretty good, although I don't watch it much. I wish we got more British shows over here. I loooved the original The Office. I also love Bridget Jones! Hee, good books, too.

 

Starry, I always feel guilty about everything. What I'm doing, what I'm not doing that I should be doing, etc. I need to work on this. She and I haven't even spoken on the phone for like a month; I guess I'm sick of it always being on me and her seemingly making no effort at all. And I am usually the one to give her things, bring her things, and on occasions such as birthdays and Xmas she has given me very small and odd presents that make me feel unloved and like an afterthought. I don't hate her or anything; I kind of think she doesn't know how to love and just does the best she can, which isn't much. Ditto re: my dad, who lives halfway around the world.

 

Oh. Sorry to hear that your parents don't seem to offer you much support or companionship/familyness. It must kind of hurt to receive presents that make you feel unloved and like an afterthought. Ouch! Some people just don't make very good parents, and it has nothing to with the children - or anything that YOU have done. My dad isn't a very good parent at all, and I still try to realize and put into practice the fact that it has nothing to do with me or any fault I have or anything I've done wrong - it's his own issue. So, please remember it's not anything negative about you that makes your mom and dad be distant; it's them. And you're right, maybe your mom is trying the best she can.

 

Historically, like you, I've always done better with males than females, but now I'm starting to worry that this speaks of some character deficiency on my part and want to try harder to cultivate relationships with females.

 

Me to! I don't understand why it's easier to talk and befriend men than women. I really want some women friends, but I like guy friends, too. But, I refuse to believe it's any deficiency on my part (or yours!). I want to believe I'm a great person and behave more confidently in life.

 

What bad movies do you like? Have you seen Dead Alive by Peter Jackson? If not, you should. I love bad movies. Any recommendations? I'm always looking to add things to my Netflix queue.

 

 

Oh, yes, I've seen Dead Alive! Aack! That one is a little more gore than I can handle! :bunny: But it cracks me up to imagine what all the LOTR lovers would think if they saw some of Peter Jackson's earlier work. I like a lot of b-movies and movies from the 70s and sci-fi movies and silly/stupid horror movies. Some of my favorite "bad" movies are Humanoids from the Deep; Slumber Party Massacre; The Born Losers; Earthquake; The Stepford Wives (the original). For movies similar to Dead Alive, I like the Army of Darkness movies: Bruce Campbell rules!

[Starry-eyed]

I have hard time meeting new friends. I used to hang out with people from my old work a lot. Now that I don't work there anymore, I hardly see them. I consider them friends...sometimes i think they're more of acquaintances. I mean they are the closest friends I've made since I left my hometown. We're not fully close, like my best friends from back home. It's just hard finding those connections for me.

 

Hi Kali,

 

Yes, those connections ARE just hard for some of us to make. And it seems the older we get, the harder it is to make close friends. Do you work somewhere else now? Any neat co-workers there? Pretty much always for me with co-workers it's been out of sight, out of mind. It just seems like if we're not working together anymore, we no longer have that bond. But maybe that's just me not keeping up a friendship.

 

At least you can always come here.

[doiask42much]

Starry, I love the English version of the Office! (Haven't seen the American one.) I have low-level Anglophilia, as I grew up in NZ. I've seen the original Stepford Wives and found it quite hilarious, particularly the part with the coffee. I'll have to add some of your suggestions to my queue. I have Bad Taste on the way, another Peter Jackson one. Have you seen Soylent Green? I'm curious about that as well. Same kind of theme. Oh, what's the French one? Ummm...Delicatessen. I've seen that one and liked it. I guess I'm on a cannibalism/zombie kick.

 

Kali, where are you, in CA? I am too. I know some posters were talking about having an LS meetup, both Norcal and Socal. Tell us more about yourself!