Getting rid of a toxic friend

[funkify]

I've just realised that my best friend of 3 years is toxic. She has been the most thoughtful and wonderful friend to me over the years and we have always been very close, probably too close. She expects that we should always hang/go out by default because we are so close. I don't mind spending time with her but I also have another close group of friends I like to hang out with seperately.

 

I've realised that my best friend is very opinionated to the point that she can be indirectly controlling. She did not approve of a guy I was seeing, saying that he was using me etc. I did not agree with her and we had a big argument. She believes that she got heated bc she cares so much for me but I felt very threatened and scared of the way she was reacting as she was yelling at me crazily. So I didn't tell her I was still seeing him until...she found out. She was hysterical and forced my friends to tell her everything I was lying to her about even though they didn't want to get involved. Now, we've stopped fighting but now she keeps checking up on me via my friends to make sure I'm not lying to her about anything.

 

This is not the only time she's has a bad fight with a friend. Apparently she's cut ties with many friends in the past because she's so argumentative when things don't go her way or she's felt betrayed. She takes things way too seriously. One time she even came after one of her friends with a weapon.

 

I think she's more harm than good, I need to get her out of my life. But how? If I stay friends with her another argument is inevitable, but if she notices I'm distancing myself she just go psycho at me just the same.

[2ndIINone]

One time she even came after one of her friends with a weapon

.

I think she's more harm than good,

 

Really, what would ever give you that idea???

 

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose.... but....nevermind.

 

It's pretty obvious you may need distant yourself from this one.

[EC]

Have you discussed these things with her?

 

I am very opinionated and so I had the same issue with a friend of mine. She thought I was trying to control her life. When she first told me this I flipped out. The only thing I could think of was 'OMG I am the only one who really cares about her and after all these years of me trying to help her and be there for her shes going to call me controlling and call me the bad one" It really really hurt me. I thought there was no way I was controling because I didnt physically try to control her nor did I ever say Do this now or i wont be your friend lol

 

But I know realize that she looked up to me and my opinions so much so that she 'felt' as if I was controling her life. She valued my opinion so much that she didnt want to mess up in my eyes and so she felt conflicted with what she wanted to do and what I thought she should do.

 

I never meant for it to get that way at all. Had she sat down and told me this maybe we would still be friends now instead of blowing up at eachother.

There were more issues but this was one of the main ones.

 

So if you truly care for your friend I think you should talke to her about it. And if shes anything like me it will be hard for her to take constructive criticism. So she might blow up a little or be in denial but just tell her that what you have told her is how you feel and that she should take a few days to think about it.

 

Good luck.

[funkify]

Have you discussed these things with her?

 

 

I have spoken to her about it, but it seems that the only way she can be happy about it is if I just agree with her and say I'm sorry.

 

You're right, she can't take the constructive criticism. She said, "That is just the way I talk you should know that and not take it the wrong way."

[quankanne]

you can drag it out, or you can go cold turkey, but for your sanity (and hers), you prolly should step away from the relationship. She might not mean harm by her behavior, but it's not healthy, and she will interpret your remaining close as a carte blanche approval of her behavior ...

[funkify]

you can drag it out, or you can go cold turkey, but for your sanity (and hers), you prolly should step away from the relationship. She might not mean harm by her behavior, but it's not healthy, and she will interpret your remaining close as a carte blanche approval of her behavior ...

 

Do you mean our friendship?

[RecordProducer]

EC's reply was very interesting. I too wondered why you lied to her. It implies that you were influenced by her in the sense that you knew she was right and had to hide the things that proved you were right.

 

I suspect that she is too caring and a little bit controlling, but you tend to lose your identity in relationship with people and you use spite as a defense mechanism.

 

In any case, you don't seem to like her anymore so the friendship is dead. You just need to bury it.

[funkify]

EC's reply was very interesting. I too wondered why you lied to her. It implies that you were influenced by her in the sense that you knew she was right and had to hide the things that proved you were right.

 

I suspect that she is too caring and a little bit controlling, but you tend to lose your identity in relationship with people and you use spite as a defense mechanism.

 

In any case, you don't seem to like her anymore so the friendship is dead. You just need to bury it.

 

I admit, lying was the wrong thing to do. But I ony did it because I feared that she may never speak to me again if I didn't do as she advised. She got very worked up about it and it scared me. I thought it was not her business what I did with my personal life anyway and by not telling her it would just make things easier for both of us. It wasn't her problem to deal with, it was mine.

 

I'm interested in your observations though. Now that you know my reasoning, what do you think?

[RecordProducer]

I admit, lying was the wrong thing to do. But I ony did it because I feared that she may never speak to me again if I didn't do as she advised. She got very worked up about it and it scared me. I thought it was not her business what I did with my personal life anyway and by not telling her it would just make things easier for both of us. It wasn't her problem to deal with, it was mine.

 

I'm interested in your observations though. Now that you know my reasoning, what do you think?

Did you really think she would never speak to you again or were you simply afraid of her judgment? In any case I don't like it when people judge me so I wouldn't associate with her anymore.

 

When I was in high school, I had a BF and didn't dare tell any of my class mates that I had sex with him, because I knew for sure that they would look down on me for that. So I lied. Deep inside I thought it was none of their business and the gap made me feel different.

 

I had a friend with whom I was very close for about 15 years who was very influenced by everything I would say or do. It seemed like she had lost herself around me, but I didn't do anything but being myself. She would accept every idea I'd suggest, but as she grew up, she started opposing me. I was never arrogant toward her, I would just accept her idea or negotiate or whatever, but what I noticed was that the more I begged her for something (let's say to go somewhere) the more she found pleasure in saying "NO!"

 

Eventually I moved far away, she found new friends and she was "free of me." I never stopped missing our friendship after 17 years, but she seems completely disinterested. She barely replies to my emails and keeps it simple and without any closeness.

 

So I wonder if the wolf is as scary as you imagine it to be. Maybe she is just a passionate protector, maybe she is a control freak, maybe she is a complete psycho... but I am concerned about how YOU act. I think when we get too close to friends, we always lose them. She overwhelmed you with her "thoughtfulness" and she also created rivalry by criticizing you. That's why you lied to her; it was your method of getting back at her and proving to her that she was wrong.

 

My husband always gives me the I-was-right trip, so I don't tell him when I cut my finger with a knife, cuz he's gonna tell me he was right - every time he sees me cutting veggies, he tells me "You're gonna cut your fingeeeer."

[Ariadne]

(That's why I only have friends that think exactly the same way I do)

 

Ariadne