Why is he so afraid??

[cr8sea]

Hi, so, this little story expands thru about three years now.

I met this guy a few years ago when i was in college. We both entered this program at school at the same time, although he was a year older than me. In this program 24 of us worked and lived together, as a sort of scholarship thing so we all were really tight.

Anyway a few weeks after i came in he and I started dating. We only dated for a month, but the drama that came out of it lasted for soo very long. We tried to be civil since we did live next door to each other and had to see each other all the time, but for some reason he seemed always so sad and depressed and just unable to really be ok with me. (he broke up with me btw). I told him many times that i was over what had happened and i liked him as a person so we should try to be friends but he always said he couldnt do that because it was weird.

Anyway a year after we dated things happened again. We got drunk a few times and that ended up in kissing and ultimately sleeping together. After the nite we slept together we had a talk, where he tells me he feels i wasnt over him and i needed to get over it (he initiated the whole hook up thing, literally chasing me thru the apartments). I went off on him telling him that he was the one who wasnt over it and if he liked me why we couldnt be together. He just smiled sadly and said he didnt want to hurt me again.

A few weeks later i found out he was seeing this random chick. I immediately stop talking to him and we barely spoke to each other for the next year.

Just as we were about to graduate (he stayed an extra year for some reason), one of my close friends who happened to be his roommate, on a drunken nite, tells me that the guy loves me and not the chick he's with but that he needed to be with her so he could put a space between us. That he thought he had f**ed up really bad and there was nothing he could do to fix that. ( i had heard that before from my roommate with whom he had gotten really drunk once and supposedly told her all this the year before but i never believed it) Believe me, that was something i did NOT need to hear at that point. I was not over him, but i had made my peace that he never really liked me.

 

Anyway i didnt do anything about it and we graduated. I ended up living with a girl from the program who happened to be friends with him. Well it turned out that he started coming over to the apartment, with another friend, every week.

 

This somehow better our relationship. Its been almost 9 months since that last incident where his roommate told me all that, and we're at a point where we can talk and joke around.

 

Now the problem is that although we're ok when other people are around, he's still very afraid of being alone with me. The other day we walked out together and suddendly he closed off. He got very quiet and just seemed to be in a rush to get away. I was very surprised because i thought we were pass all that. And i know its not because he thinks im still on him because at that point i was seeing someone and he knew it. Its all very weird. I know he likes me as a person, and im almost sure he's completely over me, (if he was EVER "under" me) so i dont understand why he's so afraid. Anyone has any idea???

Sorry this is soooo long but i had to get it all out

Thank you for any responses! itll help solve a 3 year old mistery!!!

[Dadubwa]

Sounds like he's scared of admitting he was wrong for breaking it off with you.

 

Maybe he's unsure of where all his feelings are at. Ya know sometimes when people drink, they lie...and sometimes they tell the truth. Sit him down, talk it out, write a letter, send an e-mail, get drunk and talk about it.

 

You'll never know anything until you truly talk to him, tell him you heard from some people that he might still like you.

 

Is this something you NEED to know??? Will it make a big change in your life?

 

Talk to him, it's the only sure fire way of knowing.

 

Good luck!

[cr8sea]

Id love to talk to him. really...mostly because at this point i just want him in my life and i want us to be good friends.

Im not gonna lie, i still have some feelings for him, reason why i dont want to lose him as a friend.

But i know we cant talk. We tried that several times (sober and drunk) with conflicting results...when sober he would say he didnt want to hurt me, that he liked me but not enough etc. When drunk he would say he dreamed about me every night, that he misses me and that he loves me. The last talk i realized we just couldnt try to figure it out anymore. He lost his temper and said i was starting to scare him, that i was starting to become stalkerish (because i mention something he told me when he was drunk about the girl he left me for) So after that i never tried talking to him anymore at all.

that was a while ago though and now we're ok so i dont want to go back to that. I just wish he would....i dont know, either get over it, or come clean with it...something, anything...

i dont know.

[WhiteKnight]

Hey cr8sea

 

Sounds like to me you and your ex still has some issues to deal with. Trouble is though, you can't expect to get things done straight away. Only time can tell through that.

 

He probably would get over it eventually, just try to talk things through with him on a positive basis that you want to move on from the past and say something to him that you understand it was hard of him to accept what he did and encourage him by step by step to get over it.

 

The thing is that you two were once in a relationship and things are still fragile at the moment. Your ex's heart is still wounded and is recalling the terrible memories of the past which is draining him.

 

You have to in a way to try and encourage him that 'great things will come to him, if he was to let go of it...'

 

Easy said than done I know, but I know that you care about him and that's great to hear. I think your ex needs time to be alone with himself and sort his life out, the best advice I could give you is to be supportive of him and encourage him to do counselling, seek third party help (ie. his friends) and perhaps you could encourage him to look on how to manage his friendship with you...

 

Here's the sample I used... http://peoplerelationships.syl.com/essenceoffriendship/failedfriendship

 

This helped me in some way and I did in the end come to accept that even though the past did hurt, the memories of love and caring that anyone once shared will always be remembered in a kind way. Have a look it might help you as well.

 

Best of luck

[cr8sea]

You know i would agree with you if A) the breakup had been a few weeks or even a few months ago...but its been three years. B) I had been the one who broke it off....but he did it C) He liked me more than I liked him...and thats not the case.

This is why its so hard to understand. The way i see it, i liked him infinetly more than he ever liked me. TO the point of repeatedly and openly telling him that if he wanted to come back, he could. WE could forget about what had happened and start all over again. He refused.

Every time he refused ,it killed me...but i got over it....

Why is he not over it???

It boggles my mind...seriously.

Im going to see him tonight. I dont expect anything to happen but now thinking about why he's so odd is gonna kill the mood. Bah.

Oh well we'll see how it goes

[WhiteKnight]

Sounds like to me cr8sea that he still has issues with himself and you as well. Its not unexpected, that's just his flaw of acceptance.

 

He can not accept on what he did and yet you forgive him and want to give the relationship a start again. Now this sounds like to me he is 'contradicting' himself and his own feelings about you.

 

He probably is having this feeling deep inside that if he had went back with you... he would destroy himself if he had lost you the second time. Sometimes after having that relationship the first time, he is recalling everything in the past... and yes. He is definitely NOT over it.

 

The only way you have to say to him very bluntly is that, if he is NOT over the past. He should not be bottled up about it. If he doesn't listen to you, like normally some guys or gals won't listen from their ex. It frustrates people, I know it does because I had that happen to me before.

 

If your ex doesn't appreciate your advice or anything and continuingly doesn't listen to you, if the worse case comes... you might have to let him go and say to him very bluntly... that you cared about him and wanted to try and help him, but if he doesn't listen to you or his friends or parents. Then he will have to deal with it, and do it on his own. Harsh as it seems, I may be right but yeah, I know the general feeling of this. This can be quite frustrating for you to be honest.

 

However I think you two are better off being friends in all honesty. At least you got something to value there.

 

G'Luck though.

[LoveLace]

Sounds like you two now have the opportunity to rekindle a good friendship, but the past will always linger if it's not acknowledged by someone. It sounds like both of you are still thinking about that past, for one reason or another.

 

You should really talk to him. Tell him what that person told you and ask him if it's true. However, with being put on the spot, he still might deny it all. Or, maybe while you are all hanging out together drinking or something, and you happened to be joking around with him, maybe stop, smile, look at him and say "I'm glad we are friends again" - see how he responds and go from there.

[cr8sea]

Miracles of miracles...

 

Actually it wasnt a miracle, i kinda forced it without really thinking it. Last night me and my "friend" hanged out as we do every thursday. This time however, he had gone to happy hour before he came over so we had to pick him up. Long story short somehow i ended up offering him a ride back home, not really thinking that it implied time alone with him in the car. Talk about putting ourselves against the wall.

Anyway, during our hanging out time our friend had to do something else leaving us alone in the room for a long time (almost an hour). It was akward as usual but after a while the tension dissipated laughing at the show we were watching.

Then when it was time to go it got tense again. Lets just say in the car i was shaking and he was literally up against the passenger door. I kept trying to make conversation and at first it was really...awkward. I had the feeling he was about to say something about us but didnt dare. Anyway after a while he asked me about my job and thats something i can go on and on about. Well, i did til i realized he had completely turned towards me and was staring as i talked so that got me nervous and i stopped babbling. Funny moment.

Anyway, we ended up talking all the way to where he wanted me to drop him off, he even cracked a joke in efforts to ease the tension.

Although i see its hard for both of us, the fact that he's trying, unlike before where he would just run and hide, makes me think there's hope for a friendship.

I hope, truly hope im right

Yey for miracles and pushing it

[WhiteKnight]

Well it sounds like to me that he is giving the friendship a go, despite how he feels about you.

 

I know the general feeling of talking to your ex in person is very hard at first. My ex's sometimes love to throw random jokes at us to make me feel better.

 

But the tension will always be there in between you two. However taking it from experience, it does take awhile before both ex's do get along quite well. I haven't heard many stories of ex partners really get along as good friends again but to look at it this way, only through time can tell if things will truly work out.

 

For now, I think you should be quite content that the two of you are now on speaking terms with one another. Just take things nice and slow with each other, no rush but keep things on a friendly basis and your friendship will slowly reheal.

[cr8sea]

Oh god i totally screwed it up!!!!!!!

 

I went out with him last weekend, him and other friends. well i had too much to drink and started bawling!

A girl who doesnt know us at all (or me at least) saw me and asked me if i was crying over him, and i stupidly said yes! (even though i have NO IDEA why i was crying) She went and told him, and so he came and asked me if i was crying over him. I ran out of the bar and well after that i dont remember much, but apparently we didnt talk at all after that.

I am sooo humilliated! how in the world do i expect him to get over it when im not completely over it either! This is soooo gonna put us back at square one!

How do i get back from here!!! I called him the next day to apologize and tell him it wasnt because of him at al but i dont know if he bought it! I have to see him tonite but im so petrified of how he's gonna act or how im gonna act for that matter! Anyone could give me any advice before...8pm would be amazing. Im soooo screwed!!!

[WhiteKnight]

Hey cr8sea

 

That sounds very bad

 

However the best advice is that you have to resolve it in a formal way that you could get him to see to reason that you were clearly intoxicated and did not intend to say "Yes" to the question that was asked.

 

I have to say that this would case a set back in the friendship between you and your ex, clearly the both of you are not over each other yet. You both still love and care for each other and its truly noticeable on how you posted on here.

 

Moreso, I have to say that once you reason with you ex and comprimise with him. Try to reason that you didn't mean to say anything wrong, even though you being humiliated in front of his friends would show you that clearly both of you still are very close to each other.

 

Painful as it sounds, I know its going to set you square one again. I suggest that after you had spoken with your ex. Let us know what happened and let's see about trying to give you a few good pointers to get your friendship with him back on track.

 

Sounds like to me by the way, both of you rushed into things and accidentally didn't realise how sensitive things were at the time.

[Zona76]

I see in your threads 2 incidents where you drank into access and went over-board.

So what if you have feelings... It's not as if you're 15 and he's your first crush.

When he had feelings for you, they were brushed off. He was ignored. Now you think it's your turn.

So admit to him the "YES, there is something. I didn't mean it to surface. But I'll get over this." Then make a quick joke to borrow a band-aid to patch up the pain of humiliation you feel.

Your original Title..."Why is he so afraid?"

It looks as though you're the was who is afraid. You have more feelings for this man than you want to admit.

[cr8sea]

Its getting crazier and crazier by the minute with this boy.

 

Yes carla i realize i am denying what i feel for him. Mostly because he already hurt me once and dont care to go back there again. I had a relationship after him and thought i was over him, but as you said, clearly, im not.

 

In any case, the whole drunken episode went totally the way i was not expecting. I met up with the people i was, apologized and asked what i had said (since i dont remember really) Nobody wanted to tell me. In fact, he said "you dont want to know, in fact, from experience, when something like that happens, i say, if whoever remembers wants to keep the bad memory, its their thing not mine, so dont worry about it"

That made me feel a lot better, specially coming from him. The rest of the night he acted like nothing...until it was time to go.

When i was driving home i noticed him in his motorcycle at a light at the corner of his house. I was at the cross light and didnt think much of it, figuring he was going home too. Next thing i know he turned and started following me. He followed me all the way to the ocean. I freaked out. I had no idea what he wanted and he had no reason to go the way he did. He stopped behind me at the lights but made no attempt to come and say anything to me. I thought he was going to follow me home, but then all of a sudden he veered off.

 

Thats the start of craziness.

 

I saw him again the next thursday...he didnt say a peep about him following me. I didnt want to bring it up...specially because he was acting like nothing. Then during our visit to our friend, I would say something and he would echo it. He's done that before...but i thought he would have stop that by now. I would say "oh this kettle corn is so good" and he immediately would say something like "yeah! this kettle corn is good!", then id say "where did you get it?" (to our friend) and immediately he would repeat it. It crazy!! I dont know what to make of it, and most importantly, it really REALLY makes me want to know what i said that night that brought such a change in him.

 

Now, whenever i leave, he leaves with me, and makes it a point to park his bike with my car. (literally, there was a whole street to park last friday, but he parked his bike against my car's bumper)

its all so odd.

And worst of it all, he was upset last friday because another girl didnt come to a party we went to. Apparently he wants to go out with her, so that he likes me, its not even a question here... Why do you guy think he's doing all these crazy things??? Please dont even ask me to ask him because...i just dont want to go there. If any of you have even the faintest idea, hypothesis, anything as to why would he befollowing me, echoing what i say and all that, please do tell. I dont need to know the truth because obviously id have to ask him. But i would like to hear hypothesis.

Thank you!!!!!

[cr8sea]

So a lot happened after the last time i posted about this boy.

 

We went to a trip to SF together, with a few other people. He totally lost it. He couldnt be anywhere near me because he would freak out. Everyone noticed but noone but one girl said something about why he was so nervous.

 

After that trip we didnt see each other anymore. He had a good bye party because he is moving to Australia, where he invited all of friends and aquaintances from the program we met...all but me.

I saw him one last time thursday nite. He looked at me like asking me if i was mad i wasnt invited to his party...i just ignored him.

Later that nite, after finding out he was leaving today, i sent him a simple text saying "good bye"...this was at midnite. I didnt expect a response, with all the drama etc...but he responded two minutes later with a "good bye"

 

And that was it....

 

The most ridiculous, dramatic thing ive been that lasted three years (exactly three years, as tomorrow would be the anniversary of when we met) ended with a simple good bye....

 

crazy stuff