how to rebuild friendship after hard times?

[DrumMajor13]

Well, i had this guy friend. We were BEST friends... saw or talked to eachother every day. We confided in eachother and knew things about eachother that nobody else knows. Well i was going thru a breakup and was having a hard time, he was there for me but made mistakes. I made mistakes too. Finally we just had a huge fight over something he did. I know i overreacted because it wasn't really that terrible. We basically gave up on eachother and didn't speak for about four months. Finally, i kept missing him so i apologized and being hte good guy he is, he forgave me and asked to give the friendship another try.

 

More necessary history, way back when, we had a thing for eachother. but my ex was his good friend (they aren't friends anymore) and it was causing things between them so i said it wasn't a good idea. We eventually got over it and were really good friends.

 

Now... i'm starting to develop feelings for him again. He has a girlfriend and i'm jealous as hell but i refuse to come between them. All i can hope for is that one day i'll get a chance.

 

After we decided to give the friendship another go, we talked (online... ) for a bit. And i find myself having a hard time. I'm not sure if he wants to be good friends like before or if he's only interested in basically being aquaintances. I want to confide in eachother and be there for eachother, but i have no idea what he wants. And i don't want to bring it up because i don't want to scare him away, and i don't want to get hurt if he tells me he's given up on being really good friends. How do i go about rebuilding this fragile friendship to something great like it used to be? What do i do? I've never been in this situation before.

[LoveLace]

Well, it sounds its already about how it used to be between you two, except he has a girlfriend, so to you thats not how it used to be.

 

You are good for not interfering with his relationship, but somehow I don't think he would still be such good friends with you, especially while having a girlfriend, if he didn't think very highly of you and didn't want to lose you. I don't want to give false hope and say I think he's actually very into you, but there's a good chance that he is. Don't know him so its hard to tell.

 

Does his girlfriend know of your friendship? If so, that might cause a little conflict in their relationship. If bad enough, it'll only send him running to you, I bet!

 

If they ever break up, you should tell him your feelings at that point. You do have the option of telling him before hand, just make it clear that you need to get it off your chest and don't want to hurt his girlfriend by any means. I really don't think this would scare him off. It sounds to me like he wants to stick by you no matter what.

[WhiteKnight]

Well from my own point of view. I can see this is going to be quite hard on you, DrumMajor13... but its good to hear you established contact and reconciled with this friend of yours. Its a start of a healing process as I say.

 

In some ways I was in the same situation as you, or something similar to it anyways.

 

Let me share it from a guy's point of you. As this is in reverse to your situation DrumMajor13.

 

Its hard for people to accept that I have moved on with my own life, and any of my ex partners or lost friendships with friend find it very hard to reconciliate a friendship with me. So have I to be honest, its not easy.

 

As I read your entry DrumMajor13, there are some things that I agree with you. Based on that you want to have a friend who you can rely on or turn for morale support. Perhaps even see once in awhile, or even the basic so called 'chit chat' (through online bassed), but you will find yourself in the position that you miss the person and that part will always hurt the mind because you can't stop thinking about that person.

 

Its going to be very hard on you to accept that since your friend now has a partner, I don't think the girlfriend would appreciate you interupting constantly. Hence... for you not interferring is a good way, a sign of respect if you will.

 

I believe from my point of view, if you had a long or short term friendship that was quite good and acceptable on all counts. You enjoyed the conversations you had, the laughs, joys, excitement and perhaps the special bonding of a good friendship you once had. Usually either a man or woman from either side would maybe... lets just say that they value you a lot because they miss the good times or perhaps, they wanted someone to talk to.

 

It would be difficult to say what's on a man's mind and same with the woman as well. So you could assume that if you are forgiven... its means you just cleared one barrier that - "You both miss each other and want good things to work out between each other, despite the past..."

 

Now the way I see it, you have opened a wound on the guy's heart as well as your own in a sense that despite the terrible argument that forced you two end the friendship before needs healing. Work on it.

 

As the renewed friendship is at an early state... I would have to say, approach this very slowly.

 

I have to admit, I even begged in the past to see my ex-gf or my friend that I lost to be friends with again and sort things out but at the same time when you have the friend back, and they say to you that "Online is fine..." to you, you will have have guessed that the wounds of the past friendship is still there.

 

Unfortunately, its not going to work out at *that* certain point. Only through ongoing time and patience it will.

 

The best tips I can give you, is that whenever 'managing a failed friendship' before, and now you are given both a second chance of working things out. I suggest to take this nice and slow.

 

Try and get yourself to a point of 'having fun' and creating 'exciting' things that you both enjoyed in order to keep you both cheered up. Find new ways, one step at a time on which topics would suit you best. If you find yourself with a topic that has come to a 'dead end', don't worry about it too much and know that the topic you were saying was most likely not a good idea.

 

Infact, you have to look it in some way that you should be open and honest with each other again. A few jokes, laughs won't hurt. A few negative vibes or inappropriate discussion topics might not work out as good.

 

You won't be able to scare your friend away DrumMajor13, except maybe if your friend's girlfriend does not accept your friendship with him would be a conflict and some cause of trouble.

 

The main reason with 'Online' friendship for now is based on the reason that you avoid seeing each other in person and you both find it hard to accept you want to see each other again in person. To get along as you were before.

 

I don't recommend you pushing the idea of you seeing him in person... that has to be dealt with through time and patience. Things will look up later on.

 

If your male friend wants to 'stick by you', there are some limitations that your friend can truly do. But at the same time, it would be very hard on him as well as yourself. You have to pretty much work things out at an easy pace, and hope things work out smoothly. Talk things through.

 

Don't hesitate to reply if you need more advice.

[Magnatolia]

Sounds like you used to be each others confidante so to speak. Exactly how close is he with his gf? There's a good chance that 'she' is now is confidante which would explain why things aren't the same.

 

I guess the only advice I can offer is to ask him if things will be the same.