Torn

[LoveLace]

My roommate and I have known each other 10 yrs, we've lived together about 7 mos, with only 4 left before the lease is up. We agree that we like living together. We care about each other and we enjoy being at home on the couch together, but no sexual stuff although we had a sexual relationship many years ago.

 

Its nice to have someone to split the bills with, and he's very good about cleaning up and being respectful about my needs when it comes to needing my space for studying (i'm a nursing student), etc. When his kids visit its like we're a family. But he and I are both single. Even if we argue about something, we still get along very nicely. I'm highly attracted to him though, sometimes I think he is to me but I'm not sure. Living with him has made me see that he's actually very sweet and he is a good thing in my life. He wants to live with me beyond the lease, but I don't know why, if he doesn't have feelings for me...I assume its because of the financial help and because I"m another adult to be around when the kids are here.

 

I think I am really in love with him, but is it only because I'm too busy to date other guys? Because he happens to be the only guy in my life anymore? At times I have a strong feeling that he feels the same, other times I think why would he want me when he can have any girl he wants almost. He tends to be attracted to girls that are above me in looks, and younger than me too. I don't have low self esteem except for when I think about that. Otherwise I think I'm pretty cute...we are affectionate sometimes, we hug and stuff....last night he seemed a little stressed so I started to lightly rub his back and he made that "mmm" sound like it felt good...so he must not mind it...

 

I know its a long time friendship on the line here, but it would only hurt me to keep living with him unless I get a better sign that he wants me too. I have to tell him that I will start wishing he could fill the hole that is missing in my life. But I also can't afford to live alone again. I have to tell him this and I so scared of how he will react and what it will do to our relationship, which is good the way it is. But I can't stop having these intimate thoughts about him. What do I do?

[fudge_cake_89]

well by the sounds of things, he doesnt just need you for aiding paying the bills and whatever, he needs you for everything in life, for support, having fun, and just in general to be there taking part in a really good friendship. You two are obviously close, and by the fact that he wants to carry on living with you, doesnt it show that??

 

and to find out how he feels about you, you literally just need to sit down and talk to him, or ask him if he wants to go out to a bar or something, so you can both meet new people, if he doesnt seem interested in meeting new people, wouldnt you think he's interested in you??

[Janja]

First, relax and breathe! There is no real rush here . . . because you expressed a doubt about what you are actually feeling for him and why (he's the only guy in your life right now), I would advise that you not attempt to push for a more "serious" relationship. Take your time and let it develop.

 

I think this is especially good advice for you right now because you expressed a desire for him to "fill a hole that is missing in (your) life". This is not a fair request of someone you love because he cannot possibly fill a hole YOU are experiencing. It's YOUR hole, not his! The hole you are feeling can only be filled by you; you're the only one feeling it. And, the nice part is, once YOU fill that whole, you get double-rewards!

 

The first, and most important reward, is that you'll feel good about yourself. You'll know, and be proud of, who you are. You won't need someone else's reassurance in order to know this, so you will always feel good about yourself, with or without a partner. Feeling good and thankful to be alive is the goal.

 

Secondly, you will be more attractive to potential mates. The more confident and self-assured a person is -- the more they value themselves and what they have to offer another -- the more magnetic they become. In your letter, you said something that alluded to the fact that he may capture the attention of any girl he wants. That is probably why -- he is, generally speaking, happy with himself and his life. You can have that same magnetism.

 

Do whatever you need to fill yourself up! When you are full of love for yourself, that love will automatically spill over and people will be drawn to you. If you want fresh flowers, get them for yourself and write yourself a complimentary note to go with them. If you can't afford it, buy seeds and experience what it's like to grow your own, or take a day to visit a botanical garden and take in all the colors, textures and scents. If you'll feel special in a bath full of rose petals surrounded by candle glow, make one for yourself. If you need a day of bed rest, and the benefits outweigh the consequences, allow it and enjoy it. If you need to expand your social circle, find activities to get involved in where you'll meet people with the same interest. The first key is to do whatever is necessary to make yourself happy.

 

The second key is to appreciate everything there is about you and your life. We often spend too much time keeping track of life's nuisances when we should be keeping written lists of things for which we are consciously thankful. Make an attempt to be conscious of even the simplest of things that make you feel good, from a cool breeze on a scorching day to the sound of rain on the rooftop to the peaceful purr of your cat. And compliment yourself on anything you can -- from physical attributes to personality traits like optimism or perseverance, to special skills (in style or finding bargains or motivating people to buy, etc.). Coach yourself to be happy with who you are and be thankful for life and its constant wonders.

 

Your relationship with all people, including your roommate, will naturally advance to the highest level it is capable of reaching. If you still feel you need to have a conversation with him then, it would be an easy conversation. You would know that if he doesn't share your long-term-relationship-kind-of-interest, you'll be okay because you have a full life to fall back on, to enjoy. And if he does share your interest . . . well, here's where the two of you would write your own history . . .

 

Love and light be yours,

[LoveLace]

Thanks for your advie fudgecake and janja. It's hard for the two of us to spend time together outside of home...our schedules are basically opposite, so if we are home at the same time we're usually both too tired to go anywhere. There have been a couple times when we talked about going out to dinner, but it doesn't happen for one reason or another, like I already ate, or something like that. He doesn't drink, and he is already a bar manager, so bars don't appeal to him at all while he's not working.

 

In reference to what janja said, my life is very full. I work full time and I'm a full time nursing student as well. Problem is, I work with all women, go to school with all women, and I have little time to get out into situations where I can meet new men. I go out with the girls when I can, but it's rare for me to meet anyone then.

 

I am actually at the point where I'm very happy with myself, physically, emotionally, mentally, and don't feel I need a man to enhance those things. But I have the human need and overwhelming desire for love in my life, and I"m 30 yrs. old so I have a strong maternal instinct as well (thats another ball park...). Everything is fine other than not having someone to love and be loved by, even though I know I'm great, I still want someone who will feel the same and show me they do. But we all feel at least a little flawed, or intimidated especially when you like someone, your more conscious of how they see you. I still can't help but wonder if our relationship would be different if he found me more attractive...however I don't even know how attractive he thinks I am to begin with...

 

Other than that I think our friendship has great potential for love. For all I know, he's never even thought of it, but I find that hard to believe. He came into this knowing I am a person who once had feelings for him, although it was years ago. It wouldn't be as though I'd think I can't do better, or meet someone else eventually...I'm just here going, "gosh, is he the one I'm meant to be with?". I don't think he's the type to bring up "feelings"...I know I'd have to be the one to do it first...but naturally, I'm scared of looking foolish more than scared of losing a friend...I think our friendship is strong enough not to let that happen...but to reveal yourself only to find out it's not mutual...I'd feel heart broken and lonely, and I feel lonely enough as it is (when it comes to love anyway). I'm not dating at all right now because of the reasons I stated above. I know he can see this. I don't want him to feel sorry for me, but I want him to seize the opportunity. However, if neither of us has made a move, it's probably for the same reasons.

 

Sorry so long but thanks for listening.

[Janja]

Judging by your response, you've got nothing to lose in having this conversation with him.

 

You are worried about looking foolish, but with your friendship already developed, and with your additional history of sexual relations, I would think he would be flattered, whether or not he shares your deeper interest.

 

Besides, what would his thinking you look foolish say about him? That he's not worth your interest?! You've got nothing to lose . . . if he's not interested, he would be the loser. After all, you're the complete package, right? (Insert "YES!" here.)