is friend really my friend?

[insuchamess]

im a very dependant person, and as such always ask lots of peoples opinions on things because im totally indecisive too....

 

anyway. oh where to begin... (long sorry)

 

basically ive known this guy for just under 2 years, we have been really good friends for about a year.

 

for the last, oh i dunno, 6/7 months, we have been fighting a lot, as it seems hes lost interest in the friendship. He used to call, text, IM me all the time but now, it seems like he doesnt really care if im around or not, although we are still both online a lot so although we used to talk every day without fail, we now talk maybe every 2/3/4 days.

 

im also in love with him, and he knows this, but isnt in love with me and has a girlfriend so i dont know whether thats a factor here too.

 

basically EVERYTHING is on his terms. i tell him id like something to prove we are friends, to other people, as he never leaves comments on myspace, and if i leave him one he doesnt reply. he says its because he can just reply to me in person when we IM.

 

so basically i ASKED for him to leave me a comment, because i wanted something to show the world we are friends. and he says yes ok, but be patient....now it must be over a week since i asked him and still no comment. whats up with that? how difficult is it to leave someone a comment when he knows i think its important? its only a tiny thing but hes making me wait, and i dont know why, i dont know if he will ever do it.

 

im away at uni, about 150 miles from home. and hes been to visit once, when him n his ex broke up and he needed to get away. that was 5 months ago.

 

i really need him to show the world we are friends, its something thats important to me to show that people care about me, but he refuses. he will visit me when he wants to. when i go home, he will see me when he wants to. i make myself available for him constantly.

 

whats he doing? is he just pretending to be my friend for the attention i give him because i love him? it seems that way. id like to go NC but if he really is my friend then i dont want to cut him off and lose him, and as the name suggests, im in such a mess that even if he wasnt my friend id stick around until i stopped loving him because im just not at the point where i can go 'hey, you're being a bas**** to me. im outta here.'

 

what the hell do i do? i keep thinking 'oh well he did give me this card, and this text, to say i was a good friend to him..' but those were all months ago. the most recent thing to prove we were friends was when he came to my birthday. in november.

 

it seems like he does the things he *needs* to to stay friends, like if he didnt come to my birthday, thats a big thing. its like hes doing the bare minimum to keep me around, and i think its for the attention i give him.

 

help......

[d8zedandconfused]

Wow, I am new here, but not to this world. You need to pull back a bit, I mean a lot. You state that you are very dependant and that translates to "needy" in my book. You cannot beg because it makes you appear pathetic. I say appears, not that you are pathetic, but you are shooting yourself in the foot. The best thing you could do is find something to distract you from him, friend, activity, studies and pretty soon he will come back looking for you. Don't be sooooooo available. Guys don't like to be smothered by friends, girlfriends or their mothers. If you appear to be nonchalant, which is very hard sometimes if those feelings run deep, you will win him back as a friend. Would you want to be hounded everytime you went online to prove yourself to a friend. Why is it so important to have him show the world he is your friend? You need real in the flesh friends right now that will help lighten the load of your burden. That's what they do. It's hard, but not impossible. Focus that energy and find something productive to do. You will get through this and I believe fate has a way of making things work out in the long run.

[insuchamess]

i know i need to step back and give him some space, but im worried that its out of sight, out of mind....

 

i dont really know why its important that the world knows hes my friend, i guess im just proud of that fact, and again, i have no idea why.

 

but it looks like he wants nothing to do with me really, for example he never comes to visit me at uni (he's been once when he needed to get away from home for a few days to clear his head and i just happened to live away), i used to leave him comments on myspace etc but he never replied, and when i went home id always travel to see him, rather than the other way around.

 

it just looks like im going 'please please be my friend!' and he just doesnt want me around, altho he says thats just stupid, thats not how it is.

just i mean, why cant he leave me a comment? hes always leaving his gf comments, but why not me? he says i have to have patience, he needs something first before he can leave me a comment but he wont tell me what!!

 

i know i sound totally crazy, n god knows i probably am, but he drives me crazy. is he taking me for a ride?

[d8zedandconfused]

i know i need to step back and give him some space, but im worried that its out of sight, out of mind....

 

i dont really know why its important that the world knows hes my friend, i guess im just proud of that fact, and again, i have no idea why.

 

but it looks like he wants nothing to do with me really, for example he never comes to visit me at uni (he's been once when he needed to get away from home for a few days to clear his head and i just happened to live away), i used to leave him comments on myspace etc but he never replied, and when i went home id always travel to see him, rather than the other way around.

 

it just looks like im going 'please please be my friend!' and he just doesnt want me around, altho he says thats just stupid, thats not how it is.

just i mean, why cant he leave me a comment? hes always leaving his gf comments, but why not me? he says i have to have patience, he needs something first before he can leave me a comment but he wont tell me what!!

 

i know i sound totally crazy, n god knows i probably am, but he drives me crazy. is he taking me for a ride?

 

 

Okay you would have to ask yourself this question to know if he is taking you for a ride; What is he getting out of your relationship? If the answer is simply friendship, then I would say he is not taking you for a ride. If you have at any point been intimate then I guess that would explain something, but you don't indicate that.

 

I think that you need to convince yourself that breaking contact or at least very limited contact will be in your best interest. It may work or it may not. It's a crapshoot, but at this point you are just digging yourself in deeper and deeper. He will soon begin to avoid you at all costs because he knows exactly what questions you will ask and I don't think he wants things that complicated. If he has a girlfriend then he certainly doesn't want to jeopardize his relationship by having to explain your actions.

 

Plain in simple, and I know it hurts, you need to keep your mind busy with other things until you are over this. If you in fact have a special place for him in your heart it will still be there in the future. You just have to put those feelings in hibernation. If you don't it will just lead to your self destruction. You cannot make someone love you or care for you it just happens on it's own. A friendship that is meant to be doesn't need to be forced and a one sided relationship will just never happen. So please don't continue to obsess over him. He will be more attracted to you if you are confident, secure and independent. Continue on your present course and you will prove just the opposite.

[insuchamess]

at the moment im doing the NC thing, havent spoken to him online for a week, and only contact was replying to his text on sunday morning when he asked where i was, giving excuses for my disappearance from msn. (he doesnt know im intentionally withdrawing from talking to and seeing him temporarily, so i have to make up a legitimate reason why i cant.)

 

im not sure what hes getting out of our relationship, and at the moment im inclined to say that what he gets from it is the attention i give him - making him feel wanted.

 

what im worried about is if this is the *only* reason hes keeping me around - for the attention - whether when i get over him and stop giving him the attention whether he'll still want me around.

 

altho saying that he mentions his gf to me all the time - and im confused as to whether this is because he wants to hurt me (this is what my friends seem to think) or because hes just telling me about what is going on in his life right now and what he's done that day like a friend would to another friend (this is what i like to think).

 

as well as saying if hes been out with his gf, he'll also tell me if hes been out with his normal friends too - its not all about her. and plus, he tells me if theyve been fighting, which if he was purely trying to hurt me he wud be saying everything is rosy?

 

i dont know whether im just trying to convince myself that hes really my friend and justifying everything hes doing, because my friends seem to think that hes intentionally hurting me and isnt being my friend.

 

decisions decsions.....

[Yamaha]

Get some respect for yourself. Yuo can't force even a friendship on someone who doesn't want it and you want much more.

 

Can you really say you just want his friendship?

Truely??????

[insuchamess]

i cant force a friendship on someone who doesnt want it? what do u mean?

 

right now, id like more than a friendship, yes. but by NC, i hope to eventually get back to what it was in the beginning - being friends and nothing more.

 

i have become a very paranoid person, yes i admit it, and i question everything he does (to myself, i dont ask him the reason that hes done something (well not all the time)) because i think theres something behind it. but im working on it.

 

i have a lot of issues that i need to work on, and i just dont know how to fix it all. its a massive problem for me.

[insuchamess]

[ D E L E T E D P O S T ]

[insuchamess]

......reading all my posts, i sound like a right paranoid freak who my friend is probably just trying to avoid at all costs, but i cant help it.

 

im sorry if i give that impression to anyone on here, im having a bad time with this at the moment and im really mixed up and confused.

 

i just dont know what to do.

 

sorry.

[Yamaha]

Sometimes we can't be just friends with some people. As much as you say you would accept his friendship only it may be impossible for you. You need to back away from him and sort out your feelings. You sound like you love him. You need to keep the contact very limited for a time and see if your feelings die or if you still think about him all the time. If it is the latter and he doesn't want more with you then you may have to end the friendship for your own piece of mind.

 

It will be tough going for a while but do you want to live as you are now, questioning his every move. I would take some time and then start thinking about making new friends ( girl ) and having fun. Take it day by day and in time you will feel better and stop obsessing over him.

[insuchamess]

im gonna try, thanks

 

im not goin 2 talk 2 him for 3 weeks or so, altho if he texts ill be inclined to text back because i dont want him to think ive fallen out with him or something silly.

 

im just worried at the end of the 3 weeks ill feel the same, an what my next steps will be if my feelings are still as strong.

 

i think i do love him, which makes this all so much harder than just a physical attraction.

 

but we were 'just friends' once, and i didnt fancy him or like him anymore than a friend and im hoping that at the bottom of all this those friend feelings are still there and i can go back to them.

 

my user name really does say it all.

[Quinch]

A friend is someone who makes your life better. This guy is just making you feel worse about yourself. He's not your friend. Sorry.

[insuchamess]

yeah i totally agree. i dont feel good about myself at all, and i havent for quite a long time. i just want a bit of time to get everything clear in my head, and then we'll see what happens, as im a really mixed up person right now.