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Am I a Toxic Friend?


Cherrybomb

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I saw my guy friend at a rehearsal the other day. He approached me and talked to me. I told him my concerns regarding his girlfriend's jealosy and that I don't want to cause any problems. I guess his girlfriend got angry with him that evening because he walked over to talk to me. I'm really getting tired of this drama, I feel like I'm in high school. My friend told me that it is unfortunate that conversation and outward signs of friendship can be misunderstood. It makes me sad to know that my friend is caught in the middle and he is trying to make both of us happy, but I think he feels as if he is failing. I'm emotionally sensitive and I send him a lot of e-mail because I really want to resolve issues. I'm afraid that instead I'm making things worse. I would like to tell him that I can't do this anymore, it isn't fair to him and he doesn't deserve it. Whatever he chooses to do is fine with me and I will accept it. I don't know what everyone else thinks, but I think that I should stop e-mailing my friend about my concerns even though my friend tells me that he is willing to listen to me. I think that I should probably just stick with forwarding jokes. I just can't seem to figure out why this whole thing is so upsetting for me. However, I can't just think about myself. That would make me a pretty crappy friend. His sanity is important to me and I think that dealing with one emotional female is enough.

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Male-female friendships are difficult on the girlfriend (or boyfriend). It's common knowledge in our society that men and women aren't usually friends unless there is an attraction on one side or the other. Maybe that's not true in all cases, but is true often enough that it does cause heartache to the girlfriend.

 

Your intentions may be good, but his girlfriend doesn't know that. And you don't know what their dynamics are - maybe he's a good listener for you, but when she needs him to understand her point of view, he's less good. Maybe to her it seems as though he is dismissing her concerns about your friendship, and maybe he defends your friendship to her, which is only going to make her feel worse about the whole thing. The more adamant he is about it, the more likely she is going to think there's something going on.

 

If he won't distance himself from you even a little bit to help make his girlfriend feel better, then he's feeding into her fears. Supposedly, he loves her, so he ought to take her feelings into consideration and cool it a little bit as a courtesy to her - that's what his gf is thinkiing. If he can't move himself to do that for her, then she is going to think you are more important than she is.

 

So, ultimately, if you don't want to cause trouble between them, you should step back a little. Turn to your other friends for support when you need it, and keep things light with this guy. Maybe if his gf sees that you aren't trying to steal him from her, she may relax a bit in the future.

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I can't just think about myself. That would make me a pretty crappy friend. His sanity is important to me and I think that dealing with one emotional female is enough.

 

From what you're saying, his girlfriend has been getting emotional about your friendship with this guy - and it makes her insecure.

 

What are the positive things about his girlfriend that make him continue having a relationship with her? What aspects of their relationship do you respect and admire...and is there a chance that she might be more secure about your friendship with him (and therefore more accepting of you) if she knew that you value her ability to make him happy? Presuming, of course, that he's remaining in this relationship on the basis that many aspects of it do make him happy.

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