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Left out and uninvited. Sucks.


Star Gazer

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Long story short:

 

My friend "Marie" had her birthday celebration in Napa. There were 8 of us girls involved in this trip. It was basically this entire "whatever Marie wants, no holds barred." At the end of the first night there, Marie and I got into it. We were drunk, and I snapped at her for about 15 seconds. She appeared to be completely ungrateful, having not said "thank you" to anyone ALL DAY for the countless tastings, taxi service, lunch, dinner, and hotel room that was fronted by the rest of us. Anyway. It wasn't pretty, but it literally lasted no longer than a minute tops. I later apologized for the TIMING of what I said (seeing as it was her birthday and all), as well as apologized to everyone else that was there. No one else seemed to be bothered by it too much, other than that it bothered Marie, which they were bummed about.

 

Anyway. One of the girls there was "Rebecca." Rebecca was my first friend in law school, so in a way I've almost felt obligated to maintain a friendship with her. I find her to be rude, condescending, arrogant, at times mean-spirited, and completely self-centered. She's also loud and annoying, and yet somehow everyone loves her. Or, perhaps it's just easier to tolerate her than to deal with her drama - "You were in town and didn't call me? B*tch!!" That's the sort of thing you'd hear.

 

Rebecca has planned or suggested several "girls trips/outings/get togethers" since Marie's birthday, and I have been left off the invite list each time. I just found out about another weekend thing this weekend, and again I'm not invited. I'm honestly not sure why. My "argument" with Marie was far less than any other girl-tiff that's ever occurred amongst any of the other girls, so it's not like they'd collectively be thinking I'd bring drama. Honestly, if anything, you'd think REBECCA would be the one left off the invite list.

 

I've always tried to do right by Rebecca, if only to avoid her getting mad at me or saying something cruel very loudly... but it seems like all I get in return is a perverbial spit in the face. I'm not sure when or how our friendship deteriorated, but clearly it has.

 

I don't want to resurrect my friendship with Rebecca, but I don't want to be left of events and get togethers either. What to do?

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Find new friends if you can. I know someone exactly like Rebecca. Very frustrating to be around, very annoying, and this person gets everything she wants and doesn't EVERYBODY love her. I just don't get it... ANYWAY. I recall being in a situation just like yours. I had three friends. Two of them didn't really like me. The only reason I was in with this group was because of my best friend Jo at the time.

 

I was discluded from everything and most of the time only found out what party or hot spot they've been at after the fact. Very crushing. The only time I found peace of mind was when I decided to be true to myself and find friends that respected me enough as I respected them. It's a waste of time to be bothered about something you have no control over. I know that's easier said than done.

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they have probably left you out because maybe your "snap" was out of character. Maybe your usual role is to be quiet and passive and not argue about anything. So when you do (I am speaking from an identical experience) it makes prime time news and no one will ever forget about it. Its made into something much bigger by everybody. Am i right ? or completely off target. If I'm right, then what will be expected is a whole lot of apologising- more than what you originally offered.

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Rebecca has planned or suggested several "girls trips/outings/get togethers" since Marie's birthday,

 

If Rebecca wasn't planning/inviting all of them and some of your other friends were doing the inviting of trips then I would think it was a collective deal that they have almost excluded you on purpose..

 

If Rebecca was doing all the inviting then she most likely has done the excluding..

 

Either way it sucks to be left out... maybe pipe up right now and let them know you are game for the next get together.

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they have probably left you out because maybe your "snap" was out of character. Maybe your usual role is to be quiet and passive and not argue about anything. So when you do (I am speaking from an identical experience) it makes prime time news and no one will ever forget about it. Its made into something much bigger by everybody. Am i right ? or completely off target. If I'm right, then what will be expected is a whole lot of apologising- more than what you originally offered.

 

I am generally neither quiet nor passive, but in situations such as the one at Marie's birthday, I believe you're right that my "snap" was still out of character. I basically told Marie she was being ungrateful and asking way too much of us... it wasn't something that should have been said, I should have just bit my tongue. Instead, I said it loudly so that everyone could hear and looked at our interaction. I've apologized profusely since. I just don't know what more to do at this point without coming across as whiny, ya know?

 

If Rebecca wasn't planning/inviting all of them and some of your other friends were doing the inviting of trips then I would think it was a collective deal that they have almost excluded you on purpose..

 

If Rebecca was doing all the inviting then she most likely has done the excluding..

 

Rebecca will suggest snowboarding, winetasting, a new eatery, a "sleepover", whatever for the entire group of girls (less me, of course), OR she will invite herself along on just a few of the other girls' outing (say, two of the girls who are roommates going shopping in the city) and then invite all of the other girls along so that it turns into an entire group event.

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Maybe you could plan an outing with the girls. If they come, then you know it's not a conspiracy to avoid you, and your issue is with Rebecca.

 

Or, you could be direct and ask your friends what's up.

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If you are close to another one of the group friends, invite her out for coffee and ask them what's going on. I mean if you're all friends, you do talk to them individually, right?

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it just happens. this can and usually does happen in a small circle of friends. There's one person who's the leader and the rest are followers. and in most other cases there may be 2 competing to be leader of the group.

 

Personally, i dont know how the situation is with a circle of girls. But usually for guys, if there is tension/conflict of any kind, usually we just put it behind and continue on as if nothing happened.

 

occasionally a person in the circle may cross the line with their ego, the key is to keep it in check and know when to pull back when its time. your friends dont sound much like friends, afterall they wrote you off for snapping at your friend cause her ego got too big. find some new friends..

or if the friendship means that much, then one of you will have to be the better woman, suck in your pride and talk

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RecordProducer
I find her to be rude, condescending, arrogant, at times mean-spirited, and completely self-centered. She's also loud and annoying, and yet somehow everyone loves her. Or, perhaps it's just easier to tolerate her than to deal with her drama - "You were in town and didn't call me? B*tch!!" That's the sort of thing you'd hear.

She sounds like my SIL who is a control freak. Be sure that if you don't like Rebecca, she especially doesn't like YOU. Plus you're not her marionette like the others. She won't invite you. Nobody invited you so they are not your true friends. F them. That's what girlfriends are for! :rolleyes:
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