Impossible Situation

[tom_86]

I’m in a bit of an impossible situation here and I don’t know what to do. Let me start off by explaining some relevant background information. I live in a house with three other people, a guy (let’s call him C) and two girls. The guy has been one of my best friends for several years now (I’m 20) and this is our third year living together. Of the two girls, one of them I just met this year and she is not involved at all in this situation. The other girl is where the issue lies (let’s call her K)…

 

I met her through some friends while living in university residence around two years ago. We were part of the same circle of friends that would drink and hang out together, but I never really got to know her too well. I was attracted to her, but she had a serious boyfriend, so I never acted on it. The rest of the year was mostly uneventful, but through a somewhat strange series of events, by the end of the year me, my high school friend, another girl whom we were good friends with, and K had all signed a lease on a student house for a year.

 

For the first half of the year everything was fine, I didn’t talk a whole lot to K (she was busy a lot and I’m very shy) so I didn’t really get to know her. Early second semester K broke up with her long-time boyfriend and she started to spend more time at home. As a result, over time I started to get to know her a lot better. The more I got to know her, the more attracted I got to her. At this point I wanted to date her (and I think she was flirting with me for awhile, not sure though), but two things held me back from even vocalizing my attraction: 1) I was out of shape (the opposite of her) and had a poor self image as a result. And 2) we had just decided to stay in the same house for second year (I know, bad decision), and everyone knows dating their roommate is a bad idea. So instead I decided to get into shape and get to know her better in hopes of having her become more attracted to me.

 

To my chagrin, around the time I was going to say something to her, my good friend/roommate C starts flirting with her and K starts flirting back. This really floored me, and I had no idea what to do so I suffered in silence. I did try to flirt a little with her, but I’m not terribly good at it so I imagine it went unnoticed. Next thing I knew they had started dating and I was completely torn apart. I cried, I punched walls, and I talked to some of my closer friends/family, but never to either of C or K. At this point summer came around and we all went home, so we were all basically separated for several months. This helped me cope, and I thought that I’d gotten over my feelings.

 

The school year comes around again and the first semester goes alright. My friendship with her grew to the point where I would now call her my best friend. We spend a lot of time together (gym, running, and just hanging out) and we have a great time. However, this past week my feelings for her came back in full force. We were at a party sitting next to each other and I remember looking into her eyes and just getting hit with a flood of emotion. I lay awake all night thinking about her and how badly I messed up by never saying anything. I’ve now basically regressed to where I was when she first started dating my roommate/friend. I feel angry and/or depressed most of the time. I’m mad at my friend C just for dating her although he hasn’t done anything wrong really. I’m really mad at myself for how I messed up everything. I’m not mad at her though, I don’t think I ever could be. I’m unable to concentrate on my studies and am having trouble sleeping (as her room is right next to mine, and they sleep there together most nights).

 

I just don’t know what to do, I feel trapped. I can’t break off contact as this is my home and her home. Should I tell her? As much as I want to I feel that it will just make things worse. I don’t know what to do here and I would greatly appreciate any advice anyone has to offer.

 

P.S. I apologize if this is very convoluted... I can’t seem to think straight right now but I really feel the need to talk about this.

[CardPlay3r]

Nobody can read your mind and so she probably thought you weren't interested in her even if she was when you two were flirting because you took it no further.

 

Same goes for C, he can't read your mind...yes I think you should tell her about it and see how it goes...

[Jalav]

I just don’t know what to do, I feel trapped. I can’t break off contact as this is my home and her home. Should I tell her? As much as I want to I feel that it will just make things worse. I don’t know what to do here and I would greatly appreciate any advice anyone has to offer.

 

P.S. I apologize if this is very convoluted... I can’t seem to think straight right now but I really feel the need to talk about this.

 

Tom,

First off, you articulated everything just fine. Try to calm down.

 

Second, I disagree with CP3r. You made it this far without telling her and shouldn't now. Your friend and her are now in a relationship. Do you want to blow your friendship with both of them? Frankly, you should have said something a long time ago and didn't. Now you have to be an adult about all this and move on. Spend more time studying at the library, go bowling, hang out with other friends, whatever it takes. Oh, and sleep with headphones on! It hurts now, but you'll be okay eventually.

 

I had a guy in college start liking me (this was year's ago, of course). Unfortunately, my roommate began liking him about the same time. He and I only ever flirted, but he finally got up the nerve to ask me out. By then, my roommate had a full-blown crush and talked about him all the time. She didn't know about us liking each other. When I realized how bad she had it for him, I explained the situation to him, and we agreed that we couldn't go out. We never did. Do I regret it? Yes, to a point, but not as bad as I would've regretted losing her (not to mention being stuck in a house day after day with someone who resented me!). So I made a choice not to muck up my friendship with her. She never knew about him liking me; the three of us remained friends, and that was that.

 

You will get through this, painful as it may be. If I'm reading the timeline right, your lease is up at the end of this semester. I would suggest you find a new place to live whether you get over her or not. Just easier on you. You don't have to hurt feelings or tell them the truth if they ask why. Come up with something plausible (lower rent, space, whatever). Good luck!

[tom_86]

Thank you both for your replies!

 

I guess I forgot to mention that I did talk to C about it. I didn't tell him before they dated, but soon after they started I talked to him about it. I told him that I was going to use the summer break to deal with it and he told me that he suspected I liked her and hope that this didn't affect our friendship.

 

I'm going to follow your advice Jalav. I just got an interview for a job and I've got a trip coming up soon so I hope those'll help me cope with this. Wearing the headphones at night is also great idea and I think it will help. As for next year, C and I are moving out so that's not going to be an issue.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you were in a similar sort of situation but I'm glad to hear that your decisions turned out to be the right ones and everything worked out. I just hope that I can do the same and have everything work out.

 

Thanks again!

[Jalav]

Thank you both for your replies!

 

he told me that he suspected I liked her and hope that this didn't affect our friendship.

 

Tom,

This part doesn't surprise me at all. Y'all have been friends for a long time, and I'm glad to hear he was open-minded instead of jealous.

 

I'm going to follow your advice Jalav. I just got an interview for a job and I've got a trip coming up soon so I hope those'll help me cope with this. Wearing the headphones at night is also great idea and I think it will help. As for next year, C and I are moving out so that's not going to be an issue.

 

Glad I could help, even just a little bit. Good luck on your interview!

 

I'm sorry to hear that you were in a similar sort of situation but I'm glad to hear that your decisions turned out to be the right ones and everything worked out. I just hope that I can do the same and have everything work out.

 

Thanks again!

 

Thanks for your thoughts, but it's really okay. I've barely thought about it over the years, which is why I told you you will be okay as time passes. In a few years, you may or may not even be in touch with these people anymore (not being negative about them or you; just a fact of life), and the pain/awkwardness/want just disappears after a while. Best of luck!