lost best friend today

[Jalav]

One of my closest friends started seeing a woman about three weeks ago. I saw this coming and had a talk with him shortly before they really hooked up. As a single hetero woman, I've "lost" guy friends over and over as they've dated, gotten married, etc. I mentioned all of this to him because I was worried and was told that no way would our friendship be in jeopardy (we've been through a lot together over the last couple of years). About a week later, he asked me to meet him at a bar and told me it wasn't a good idea for me to come by his house anymore while the two of them are getting to know each other romantically but that we could still hang out at the bar, etc. (FYI: They were friends before, and he had introduced us. She and I got along fine, and she knew what good friends we were, but I said okay even though my feelings were a bit hurt.) Today, I asked why I've been completely shut out. I know they're in that romantic stage, but I didn't think I'd never talk to him again! I even invited them to the bar and got a curt 'no'. Anyway, today he got really pissed and told me that he can't be seen with me since everyone knows they're a couple now, which makes no sense because everyone knows he and I are NOT a couple and never have been. He said he's dreaded even inviting me over to his house because he knew I'd bring up about my feelings being hurt and then all but asked me to leave. I didn't even know what hit me! I barely got a word in and can't believe he's so defensive about her. I like her and have tried to include her since before they even hooked up. Hell, no one would be happier than me to see him find the right person (his long-time girlfriend passed away a couple of years ago). But in one fell swoop, I've been shut out and been made to feel like I did something wrong. What happened?

[Raleuse]

I'm so sorry this happened as you sound like a wonderful friend and you did not deserve this. I must admit this is exactly what I think will happen when my best friend meets someone. He too told me it wouldn't change anything (tho it would for me, but that's another story).

 

Are you single? The thing is, had you been a guy or in a long-term relationship, the problem would not have occurred but I can tell you that if I was the woman he's started seeing, I would want you out of the picture too. That's probably what happened IMO. It's a shame. It's not fair, but she feels threatened or wants him all to herself.

 

Just wait and see as they settle into a relationship. He could very well come back to you and it will be up to you to decide if he's worth it.

 

One of my closest friends started seeing a woman about three weeks ago. I saw this coming and had a talk with him shortly before they really hooked up. As a single hetero woman, I've "lost" guy friends over and over as they've dated, gotten married, etc. I mentioned all of this to him because I was worried and was told that no way would our friendship be in jeopardy (we've been through a lot together over the last couple of years). About a week later, he asked me to meet him at a bar and told me it wasn't a good idea for me to come by his house anymore while the two of them are getting to know each other romantically but that we could still hang out at the bar, etc. (FYI: They were friends before, and he had introduced us. She and I got along fine, and she knew what good friends we were, but I said okay even though my feelings were a bit hurt.) Today, I asked why I've been completely shut out. I know they're in that romantic stage, but I didn't think I'd never talk to him again! I even invited them to the bar and got a curt 'no'. Anyway, today he got really pissed and told me that he can't be seen with me since everyone knows they're a couple now, which makes no sense because everyone knows he and I are NOT a couple and never have been. He said he's dreaded even inviting me over to his house because he knew I'd bring up about my feelings being hurt and then all but asked me to leave. I didn't even know what hit me! I barely got a word in and can't believe he's so defensive about her. I like her and have tried to include her since before they even hooked up. Hell, no one would be happier than me to see him find the right person (his long-time girlfriend passed away a couple of years ago). But in one fell swoop, I've been shut out and been made to feel like I did something wrong. What happened?

[kimba]

Having been in an almost identical situation myself (except the male friend was gay) I can assure you that you haven't lost him.

 

Heres what i would do. Give him what he wants - no contact. In a few weeks his little vinyl sweeper will have bored the tits off him and he'll come running back to you- and guess what- you will be too busy- and will have to put him off. The thing is you have done nothing wrong but been a loyal and maybe too available friend. I assure you he will come back. This is just temporary while he gets his rocks off. Believe me.

 

When he comes running back don't be so available and this sort of thing won't happen again.

 

have you been in love with him at some stage? what is the history there?

[RocketMan2]

Hey,

 

Im in the same situation, only on the opposite side!

 

I had(have?) a good female friend and i started dating someone. My gf (the ex now) got insanely jealous of her, which probably heavily contributed to her dumping me. Nothing was going on between us. My ex was basically making me choose between the two of them.

 

I tried to keep everyone happy for a while and that failed. Then i chose my ex and basically had very little to do with the friend for fear of upsetting the ex. That didnt help either and now ive lost them both.

 

I wont threadjack so heres mine, id appreciate your views

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110227/

 

If he really is a good friend, expect him to come back (hopefully apologising) once he realises his mistake. Love/lust can easily cloud your judgement (it did to me, thats how i neglected my friend and was pretty crappy to her).

 

I regret it massively, and i suspect he will too.

 

In the meantime, i suggest you tell him you understand if it is about jealousy. You could also try getting to know her better, why not go to the bar with her if you're friends? Dont bring this up at all, just have a girly night out as friends

 

Rocket

[Jalav]

Raleuse: Yes, I'm single, and I know that can be threatening to other women, which is why I tried hard to make this woman feel at ease either at his house or at work (we all three work for the same company on the same shift but different departments and run into each other occasionally in the break room).

 

kimba: I've been giving him no contact at his home, just like he asked. The time I asked them to the bar, I sent a text message and got the curt reply I mentioned. Yesterday, he texted me to ask me to bring him something I researched on the 'net, so I went to his house with the copies I made. As for your last questions, no, we've never been in love but have been through a lot. I dated one of his sons, who treated me like s**t, and my friend was very supportive afterwards. We've both had surgery in the last few months and helped taking each other to doctors, etc. Also, I mentioned about his girlfriend passing away unexpectedly, which is why I was thrilled that he might find someone after two years. He's a great guy and a good catch IMO. We live in a rural area, so yes, we are very available to each other. I don't have family close by, so he is quick to help when I have problems around the house, with the car, etc. But I think you're right; I'm pretty hurt right now and won't be nearly so available if/when he comes around again.

 

RocketMan2: After yesterday, I certainly don't see an apology in my future. He made it sound like I was a bitch for even bringing all this up! He was totally disgusted with me, chewed me a new one, slammed the door, and implied that I should just leave. As for your last point, I have tried to be friendly and get to know her, as I mentioned in my reply to Raleuse. I always speak to her at work and tried to include her in our plans (his and mine). Except now I guess we don't have any plans, and they're sure not including me in theirs! All my friends here have said it's her too, but after yesterday, I really think this is all him for some reason. He made the decision to shut me out (to impress her? put her at ease? because he really doesn't like me after all?), and by god he's sticking to it!

[dropdeadlegs]

Well, well. Now who is he going to talk to when she breaks his heart? Who will she talk to when she just can't figure him out?

 

They both lost out and they don't even know it. But they will.

[RocketMan2]

All my friends here have said it's her too, but after yesterday, I really think this is all him for some reason. He made the decision to shut me out (to impress her? put her at ease? because he really doesn't like me after all?), and by god he's sticking to it!

 

People act wierd when they're in love/lust. Its probably more like...

 

"Hes has to be seen doing it, rather that doing it to be seen"

 

Meaning hes doing it for her and as far as hes concerned its rather meaningless.

 

Im not sure why his reaction was so OTT. wrt it being him or her, its probably both of them. Hes acting up to meet her imposing needs.

 

I'd NC him till he comes round.

 

Rocket

[Jalav]

DDL,

 

You're absolutely right, but I hadn't looked at it that way. They are both missing out on my contribution to their relationship, whether they realize it yet or not. Seeing as how they're in the honeymoon stage, I expected to be excluded quite a bit, but they'll come out of it in a month or two and then both need someone to talk to. Thanks for giving such great advice in so few words! It made me feel better, definitely.

[dropdeadlegs]

DDL,

 

You're absolutely right, but I hadn't looked at it that way. They are both missing out on my contribution to their relationship, whether they realize it yet or not. Seeing as how they're in the honeymoon stage, I expected to be excluded quite a bit, but they'll come out of it in a month or two and then both need someone to talk to. Thanks for giving such great advice in so few words! It made me feel better, definitely.

 

Really?

 

I tend to be long winded so at times it's nice to hear that it doesn't take so many words to hit home.

 

I would feel that you could be important to both of us if I were one of those in the relationship. But that's just me. Friendship is important, more important than ever seeing as how I have put it on the back burner so many times. I have simply learned from my mistakes.

 

I hope they (especially him) see this mistake soon while it is still rectifiable.

[RecordProducer]

I like her and have tried to include her since before they even hooked up.

Well SHE doesn't like YOU. It's all directed by her. He can't be seen with you, cuz someone will tell HER that you were together. She is jealous of you. Are you pretty? If you are then that's your reason. If not then she is just a control freak, has two faces, and doesn't want audience for the crap show will put him through. He is stornger when he has a good female friend like you.

[Jalav]

RP,

Whether I'm pretty or not depends on who you ask, I guess. I've never thought so but have been told otherwise. But the words "gorgeous" or "beautiful" are never used, so maybe that will help give you a picture.

 

I still don't understand why she would be jealous, but that seems to be the general consensus both here and with my friends in the real world. I hope she doesn't put him through the wringer, but there's no telling this early on. She just came out of a really bad relationship, which is one reason why he wanted me to stay away for a while and put her at ease. I tried to be supportive of that decision until the big blow up.

[Cherrybomb]

Hi,

I wanted to respond to your post because it seems like your situation is in a way similar to my own. I'm a female with a guy friend. He became distant after he met his girlfriend, but there are other issues there too. His girlfriend is needy, jealous and insecure (I know her). I tried to talk to my friend last night about things but he seemed very uncomfortable talking. When he walked over to talk to me I could see his girlfriend glaring at us and it made me feel awkward. As much as I hate to admit it, I think that I'm going to have to stay out of my friend's life for awhile. I wouldn't bring up the situation with your friend, he may get defensive about it. If he thinks that he can't make you happy, this may bother him and he may just give up trying. If you interact with him, try to be as positive as you can. He may need a bit of time to think things through. Right now, his girlfriend is more important and he is trying to make her happy. He would like you to be happy too, but he may sense that you are not and this may make him feel like a failure as a friend which can affect his attitude towards you. I'm not saying this is the case, I'm just relating to my own experiences. I hope that everything works out for you!

[Jalav]

People act wierd when they're in love/lust. Its probably more like...

 

"Hes has to be seen doing it, rather that doing it to be seen"

 

Meaning hes doing it for her and as far as hes concerned its rather meaningless.

 

Im not sure why his reaction was so OTT. wrt it being him or her, its probably both of them. Hes acting up to meet her imposing needs.

 

I'd NC him till he comes round.

 

Rocket

 

Rocket,

Thanks for your advice. I don't understand why he was so angry either, except that I could see he had been anticipating and dreading this discussion. He flew off the handle before the words were even out of my mouth. As painful as it is, I've already taken his phone number out of my cell, not because he's blocked (he's not), but so I don't have "one too many" and decide to send him a text telling him just how angry and hurt I really am. That won't solve anything, but I sure feel like it now and then.

 

Thanks again.

[Jalav]

Hi,

I wouldn't bring up the situation with your friend, he may get defensive about it. If he thinks that he can't make you happy, this may bother him and he may just give up trying. If you interact with him, try to be as positive as you can. He may need a bit of time to think things through. Right now, his girlfriend is more important and he is trying to make her happy.

 

I hope that everything works out for you!

 

CB,

Thanks for your support. As you can see from my posts (mostly to Rocket), he did get extremely defensive. Maybe it's guilt; maybe he really thinks I've done something wrong (don't have a clue what that is though). Up until the day at his house, I was as positive as I could be around him and her even though I had confided to a girlfriend privately just how hurt I really was. But hey, I'm an adult who's dated and know how the honeymoon stage is. What surprised me wasn't spending less time with him but being asked to stay away. As already stated, I did that and tried to be supportive, but now his attitude is just plain silly. We're not teenagers!

 

I'll end the rant now. I appreciate the support. I'm bouncing around in my emotions right now, so y'all bear with me please.

[Cherrybomb]

Hi again,

 

Because of the similarities to my own situation, please let me know if you find something that works! I really don't know what to do anymore.

[RecordProducer]

RP,

Whether I'm pretty or not depends on who you ask, I guess. I've never thought so but have been told otherwise. But the words "gorgeous" or "beautiful" are never used, so maybe that will help give you a picture.

 

I still don't understand why she would be jealous, but that seems to be the general consensus both here and with my friends in the real world. I hope she doesn't put him through the wringer, but there's no telling this early on. She just came out of a really bad relationship, which is one reason why he wanted me to stay away for a while and put her at ease. I tried to be supportive of that decision until the big blow up.

I see. Well she sounds like a control freak. So many people who are not sincere and good-hearted make sure they get rid of any support their "victim" might have around. Then they start with the torture revealing their true colors little by little. They either manage to completely swallow the identity of their victim or they fail and move on. But they can't have the middle, they have to be the boss.

 

This was a test that he passed in her eyes. She said "Ditch your friend!" and he did it. He is good relationship material in her eyes now. She will continue to take control over him until there is nothing left of his initial personality, until he becomes what she wants him to be. She wants to live through his body and mind, just like in those sick movies where the evil character takes the blood or the shape of his victim and gains power in such way. If she can control two people (herself and her lover) she feels stronger.

 

I have a few examples of such women in my own family (mom's, dad's, and husband's). My sister-in-law totally controls her husband, her father-in-law, his wife, their two daughters, and somewhat my husband. However, since I came I figured out who she was and she lost control over my husband. She tried to separate us many times. She gossiped about me everywhere and turned everyone against me. She told my husband many times that I was bad and this and that (I barely had any contact with her, by the way). She had to have control over him again. But he ditched her and only maintains communication with his brother. They live next door.

 

This same control freak who is so obsessed with me, also saw that she couldn't control her mother-in-law so she made her husband cut off his own mother. She is not even invited on his b/day party.

 

So this was an enlightening description of this type of personality. My husband's other brother also has a wife who is a control freak and she cut off EVERYONE from both their families: his bother brothers and parents and cousins and her both sisters and parents. And here you sit, surprised that this girl cut YOU off. You are just a friend. She is a sick person and your friend will either become her marionette (he has a good potential for that) or break up with her.

 

If you wonder what you can do about it, the answer is: nothing. Sit and wait until they break up. If they don't, you will never be his friend anymore anyway.

 

Mothers, teach your sons to stay away from women who want to take control over their lives. The signs and symptoms always show up very early in the relationship; they just need to learn to recognize them and run as far away as they can from these control freaks.

[CardPlay3r]

RecordProducer described what happens with abusers/control freaks, but I think it might be too soon for that to be the case, it may be his own initiative..

 

I've been here myself, a female friend of mine who is working on a cruise boat fell in love there, came back here for a few months and her bf was going to come and stay with her for 1 1/2 months, and she asked me to cut ALL contact with her during that time even on internet messengers lol

 

It was stupid, and all by her own initiative so he wouldn't "risk creating problems" in her relationship she said...such BS, I can't just have her pretend I didn't exist for a period of time and me do the same...so she said since I can't accept that she cut all contact for good

 

To me people that do that aren't real friends, best for you to go no contact with hm even if he comes back apologetic etc., because he already lied to you so how can you trust him again?

[Jalav]

RecordProducer described what happens with abusers/control freaks, but I think it might be too soon for that to be the case, it may be his own initiative..

 

To me people that do that aren't real friends, best for you to go no contact with hm even if he comes back apologetic etc., because he already lied to you so how can you trust him again?

 

CP3r,

I hope you're right and it's not as dire as RP made it sound. I would hate to see my friend so thoroughly lost/destroyed by this woman. I have had not contact with him since the other day and don't expect that to change as far as texting or going by his house, but I do go back to work tonight (graveyard shift) and will likely run into both of them more than once over the next four nights. I don't know if I'm supposed to ignore them or smile and say hello like always or turn around and go the other way or what. No clue how they'll act either. She wasn't at the house that day, so I don't even know if he's told her what happened.

 

Well she sounds like a control freak. So many people who are not sincere and good-hearted make sure they get rid of any support their "victim" might have around. Then they start with the torture revealing their true colors little by little. They either manage to completely swallow the identity of their victim or they fail and move on. But they can't have the middle, they have to be the boss.

 

This was a test that he passed in her eyes. She said "Ditch your friend!" and he did it. He is good relationship material in her eyes now. She will continue to take control over him until there is nothing left of his initial personality, until he becomes what she wants him to be.

 

If you wonder what you can do about it, the answer is: nothing. Sit and wait until they break up. If they don't, you will never be his friend anymore anyway.

 

Mothers, teach your sons to stay away from women who want to take control over their lives. The signs and symptoms always show up very early in the relationship; they just need to learn to recognize them and run as far away as they can from these control freaks.

 

RP,

Wow! You are just surrounded with these horrible women. I feel especially bad for your husband and his brother. I sincerely hope this is not what is happening to my friend. I know there's nothing I can do at this point except what I was doing, which is nothing, just like you said. I don't expect them to break up soon, so it could be months or years before he sees he made a mistake, if he ever does. But whether he initiated ditching me or she did, the damage is done. I hope it was worth it.

 

Thanks for all the help!

[CardPlay3r]

Jalav, just ignore him, if he says hello don't say it back don't say a word to him...he's the one that used you and dumped you for no good reason...

[RecordProducer]

You know the joke... the president is walking down the street with his wife, the first lady. She points out at a bakery and says: "Honey, you see this bakery store? I used to date the owner."

 

The president says: "See, had you married him, you would have been a baker's wife. "

 

She replies: "No. He would have been the president now!"

 

 

I've been here myself, a female friend of mine who is working on a cruise boat fell in love there, came back here for a few months and her bf was going to come and stay with her for 1 1/2 months, and she asked me to cut ALL contact with her during that time even on internet messengers lol

She saw you as a threat. Clear as a tear.

[Jalav]

Jalav, just ignore him, if he says hello don't say it back don't say a word to him...he's the one that used you and dumped you for no good reason...

 

CP3r,

Didn't see him last night; WAY too busy at work! However, did see her.

 

I do go back to work tonight (graveyard shift) and will likely run into both of them more than once over the next four nights. I don't know if I'm supposed to ignore them or smile and say hello like always or turn around and go the other way or what. No clue how they'll act either. She wasn't at the house that day, so I don't even know if he's told her what happened.

 

As soon as I walked in the breakroom, just long enough to drop my cigs off (didn't even smoke one), I saw her in there. She saw me peripherally but acted like she didn't (she usually speaks to me or waves or both), so that told me all I needed to know. Not only does she know what happened but condones it and probably provoked it too. Oh well.

[CardPlay3r]

Yeah it sucks...now you gotta find the strength to tell him to buzz off when he comes crying to you

[Jalav]

Yeah it sucks...now you gotta find the strength to tell him to buzz off when he comes crying to you

 

Hate to sound like a glutton for punishment, but I am still curious about what he'll say or do/not say or do. Oh well. Sounding like a damn kid now, but I am curious. Wish we didn't have to work together. NC isn't so bad outside work, and I keep telling myself to be professional inside of work, but it's not always that easy, you know? Ask me again in two months, and I'll say no biggie! and what was all the fuss about?, but not right now.

 

All I can say that's factual is he better not even dream of coming crying to me right now. It wouldn't be pretty. Forgiveness, big or small, takes time. In a few months, it'll be small. Right now, it's beyond big!

[RecordProducer]

lol, still didn't read it thoroughly her BF didn't even know I exist. She didn't want the potential for "problems" to be there. How about that? lol

Maybe she was hot for you? I know a girl who was best friends with a guy and I am absolutely sure that she was in love with him, because I saw her caressing him and looking at him with romantic eyes. Plus he was a smoking hot guy. When she finally started dating another guy, she slowly, but surely ditched her friend. They are still friends, but not as close as before.

 

Perhaps it was a way for her to show you that she doesn't need you anymore, just like you didn't need her. If she was hot for you, she is very well aware of whether you liked her as more thana friend or not.

 

If this is totaly not the case, then she might be simply submissive and too traditional and thinks that there is no room for friends of the opposite sex when two people are in a relationship.

 

Also, she might be a control freak herself and wants her BF to get rid of his female friends so she doesn't want to give him an alibi by showing him that she has double standards.

[CardPlay3r]

Nah RP, there was never anything beyond friendship between us, she was in love with that guy.

 

Yeah she's 'traditional' in the way you said, but that's BS isn't it? I mean what, make guy friends when single then dump them when you're in a relationship? Meh to that...

 

Anyway, let's stop hijacking this thread sorry OP lol