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my best male friend (bradley)has dumped me. I'm devastated, lost and i feel part of me is missing. I'll explain it all in point form

 

1. Have been best friends with this guy for 4 years.(i'm female) He's gay. We got together once at the beginning if our friendship but nothing after that.

2. had a really intense, close friendship, did everything together.

3. he started going out with a guy at one stage 2 years ago for a few months- we had a bit of a bust up then , but stayed friends. i realised then how attached i was.

4. has a female gay friend who he adores, and he often tried create situations to make me jealous, treated me very differently when she was around.

5. Throughout our friendship he'd call me every day, he loved me very much as a friend.

6. him and some other of my friends arranged for us to go on holiday together just before christmas. I was looking forward to it alot because this was the first christmas without my dad and i was really wanting the distraction and the sense that my life would go on.

7. One of my friends (Jenny)cancelled it because she was worried about getting all the christmas shopping and crap done before christmas and this trip was to end about 4 days before "the big day" and she was one of the main drivers and so the whole thing was cancelled. I had a big argument with her because the trip was organised 3 months earlier and then she goes and cancels it 5 days before. So I had a falling out with her.

8. I tried to organise Bradley and the others another lift and he didn't want to and so i got really pissed off and hung up on him. I wish I didn't but thats how i felt at the time.

9. A week later he rings and cancels our other holiday on an island for new years because he is angry at me for being angry at him.

10. So then i have no friends

11. In that same conversation he indicates that he might be ending the friendship

12 Around this time me and Jenny make up.

13 two weeks later (january 4th) Bradley rings and says "I don't think we should see each other anymore. I still like you though and I'm not angry".

14. i was stunned. In the 5 minute converstion we had he said that we were too co-dependent and he relies to much on me and i rely too much on him and that our friendship was obsessive. I was lost for words.

15 I phoned him back 20 minutes later and there was no answer and i left about 4 messages over the next day.

16. he wouldn't return any calls. A friend of mine who's day job is a social worker told me to write a letter to him just so i have the chance to have my say. So i wrote a letter telling him how i'll miss his friendship

and that i wish he'd given me more of an explanation. I wasn't angry in the letter. He hasn't replied to that.

17. All this time whwn all of this has been going on i have been down at my mums in the mountains. I've got back to my house in the city now 2 days ago, have met up with a couple of my friends (who bradley met through me) and its clear they are still in contact with him and yet refuse to help me.

18.jenny hardly ever spoke to bradley before and now i hear through another friend that they are in contact. i feel uncomfortable that all my friends know more about WHY he has done this than me. it is not fair.

19. I just feel like disappearing.

20. i went to a friends place last night and he started saying "Well bradley has resigned form his job... or maybe you don't want to hear it?... anyway he told me about it.

21 Just hearing about him has regressed my progress towards recovery.

22. you see we were so close knit that all of my friends became his friends. And i feel that they are on his side. i feel like I have no one. Jenny has refused point blank to talk about him with me.

23. So i rang him today (i haven't attempted to ring since the initial dumping nearly 3 weeks ago)( and i know i shouldn't have but i thought i've got nothing left to lose except something that used to be dignity)

24 I left a message and said something like " was at Brians last night and he started talking about you and i just thought i'd give you a call. I just thought I'd call to see if you've changed your mind"

25. I just miss him so much I woke up crying this morning

26 I just feel like he'd have to be missing me. But then if he's changed his mind wouldn't he just call?

27. what do I do?

28 thankyou for reading

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Hi,

 

You were kind enough to answer my own post so here's my point of view. Your situation is very similar to my friendship - tho my friend is not gay (as far as we know) - or at least how it used to be before we drifted apart:

2. had a really intense, close friendship, did everything together.

3. he started going out with *other people* i realised then how attached i was.

4. has *other female friends*, and he often tried create situations to make me jealous, treated me very differently when they were around.

5. Throughout our friendship he'd call me every day, he loved me very much as a friend.

 

and already I can see some red flags - you have feelings for a guy who cannot and will not return them. It is not a healthy situation, believe me, that of unrequited love. According to my friend I'm paranoid as he's not trying to make me jealous - I just am jealous. Maybe that's your case too?

 

14. i was stunned. In the 5 minute converstion we had he said that we were too co-dependent and he relies to much on me and i rely too much on him and that our friendship was obsessive. I was lost for words.

 

yes, it hurts... but I think he is right and by ending the friendship he is making you BOTH a favour. One of you or both will end up suffocating in such an obsessive, exclusive friendship and I swear that if I believed things could be turned around and fixed I would not have tried to end my friendship (notice I'm not through with it yet)

 

26 I just feel like he'd have to be missing me. But then if he's changed his mind wouldn't he just call?

 

Of course he is missing you and he's probably hurting as much as you are but that doesn't mean he's changing his mind. He probably thinks letting go of you is the best way - the only way - forward. Maybe he felt that your friendship was like mine was: self-destructive. I waited until we were fighting daily before making my decision. I didn't want it to end. I wanted to be able to mend it, but everything I tried only made things worse.

 

My only advice to you is to try and accept his decision as being one made out of love. Try and move on and, as much as possible in your situation, respect a NC policy for some time. Maybe, after you both had some time off from each other, you can be friends again but on a healthier, less obsessive level.

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mental_traveller

Can I just ask, why is this such friendship such a big deal for you? You seem to be acting more like someone would in a love relationship than in a normal friendship.

 

This is something I have noticed with opposite-sex friendships. I once broke off a platonic friendship with a woman, so perhaps I can offer the opposite point of view. Basically, for a guy, your friends can't be placing demands on you. You describe your friendship as "intense". Friendships aren't intense. Love affairs are intense. The whole point of friendships is to be utterly low-maintenance, steady, and reliable, with no drama whatsoever. Basically it sounds like you had something more like a romantic relationship, but because of the lack of any sex (due to his orientation) you allowed yourself to mistake this for a friendship. Male/female friendships are tricky at the best of times and it looks as though you've simply confused one thing for another.

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It is not a healthy situation, believe me, that of unrequited love. According to my friend I'm paranoid as he's not trying to make me jealous - I just am jealous. Maybe that's your case too?

 

Raleuse, thankyou very much for your thoughts on this. Yeah I am jealous of this other friend of his, and i did say in the letter i wrote him that even tho we won't be seeing each other I'm going to work on my jealousy issues. But really , this is the only incident i've ever had with jealousy in my life. I didn't like it at all .I felt like I had no control. Although I do think, that maybe in your case as well, maybe my friend and yopur friend kind of were flattered at the same time by the jealousy and kind of fuelled it subconsciously?

 

yes, it hurts... but I think he is right and by ending the friendship he is making you BOTH a favour. One of you or both will end up suffocating in such an obsessive, exclusive friendship and I swear that if I believed things could be turned around and fixed I would not have tried to end my friendship

Yeah but at the moment the hurt is unbearable. I don't want to look like I'm stalking him or anything. I woke up this morning and decided - nah- I've left all the doors open for him - like I said I left a message yesterday saying "if you've changed your mind.." Yeah, my other friends said it was unhealthy and last nite another friend said that it should be easier to be friends with someone than this. Its just that i am so in shock by it and it is such a change in my life. He did say to me when he called to end the friendship that we rely on each other too much and its not fair on me and its not fair on you".

 

Of course he is missing you and he's probably hurting as much as you are but that doesn't mean he's changing his mind. He probably thinks letting go of you is the best way - the only way - forward.

 

The thing that really gets to me the most is the fact that he has utterly gone no contact- right from the phone call- I called 30 mins after the ending the friendship call and he wouldn't even pick up! I mean we had a 4 or 5 minute conversation - and thats all he felt it was worth. He wouldn't return any calls. It just made me feel like he hates me. And the fact is I don't know how he is feeling at all. I just felt after evrything that i deserved just a bit more of an explanation or a returned call. It was just so cruel.

Do you really think he would be hurting as well? I just feel so much like he's having some great rip roaring time without me.

 

Try and move on and, as much as possible in your situation, respect a NC policy for some time. Maybe, after you both had some time off from each other, you can be friends again but on a healthier, less obsessive level.

 

I just don't know how to move on properly. Its been 3 weeks. I would love to not feel like this. The thing that brings me down is when i imagine that he is fine with it all and not going through any pain over it. A friend is trying to get me interested in going to single events but I just feel so drained. I just feel like i deserved more respect form him than this. And it hurts more that he will know exactly what he is putting me through and still has NC.

 

My only advice to you is to try and accept his decision as being one made out of love

 

That comment made me really teary - but thankyou - its a lovely thought - and its one that didn't occur to me.

 

Mental traveller, you were a huge help.

 

You describe your friendship as "intense". Friendships aren't intense. Love affairs are intense. The whole point of friendships is to be utterly low-maintenance, steady, and reliable, with no drama whatsoever. Basically it sounds like you had something more like a romantic relationship, but because of the lack of any sex (due to his orientation) you allowed yourself to mistake this for a friendship.

 

You're right, i remember early on, like during the first year - a friend commented to us- "there is just so much romance between you - like a magic- its beautiful" and no, we'd never slept together, just made out the one time. There was just some other chemistry between us that other people noticed.

 

Thats why I fell so terrible because no, it wasn't a normal friendship. Thats why its so confusing and I feel guilty for feeling like this. Someone on LS said i need to put this in the "Friendship forum" instead of "second chances" and thats all they said- but I'm like hey!! the hurt is still the same wherever I put it.

 

And yeah i do feel ike someone whose broken up with their boyfriend and I'm embarassed about it. But the friendship just happened that way and it was a beautiful friendship for most of the time. There was something special between us that was unique in that I've never had a friendship like that. i just wish I'd done things differently towards the end. In my letter i said to him "why couldn't we just see each other less?" Why couldn't he have done that? It hurts so much that he just doesn't want to see me at all. In the past year I've lost my dad and now I've lost him. The two most important men in my life.

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yeah the worst part is feeling like i'm the only one that is hurting. And the other part is how my best friend is now in contact with him when previously she was really only in contact with him through me- they never used to really speak on the phone. I just really miss him.

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a few hours ago I rang him because i just needed some closure on it. we talked for an hour or so and it just went round in circles. I was telling him that i want to see him less and that i think we could be friends then without the intensity. He was like, no i don't think i could do that , that would just be wierd and it wouldn't be fair on you - and I'm like NOOO but thats what i want. I just think that we shouldn't cut each other off completely . He said that after 4 years he thinks that we aren't meant to be friends at all and he thinks it would be better if we had no contact. I told him that recently over the past week I think of interesting things that I come across that I know he would be interested in and i want to tell him but I've felt that I can't. And he said that he feels the same way constantly and that he misses me as well. But at the same time he doesn't want any more contact because its not healthy. At one stage he agreed that he would not rule out staying friends but then later he said that he would only contact me because of guilt and selfish reasons. I said that i don't know that he will feel the same way in a couple of months time and that he might regret it and he said he would just deal with it if it happens. In the end he said that the friendship is over and hung up.

At that moment it was horrible. Now I feel wierd, but sort of feel a sense of freedom now. I feel very strange, like its not sort of real. I don't know whether i want to cry or not.

 

Where do i go from here?

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a few hours ago I rang him because i just needed some closure on it. we talked for an hour or so and it just went round in circles. I was telling him that i want to see him less and that i think we could be friends then without the intensity. He was like, no i don't think i could do that , that would just be wierd and it wouldn't be fair on you - and I'm like NOOO but thats what i want. I just think that we shouldn't cut each other off completely . He said that after 4 years he thinks that we aren't meant to be friends at all and he thinks it would be better if we had no contact. I told him that recently over the past week I think of interesting things that I come across that I know he would be interested in and i want to tell him but I've felt that I can't. And he said that he feels the same way constantly and that he misses me as well. But at the same time he doesn't want any more contact because its not healthy. At one stage he agreed that he would not rule out staying friends but then later he said that he would only contact me because of guilt and selfish reasons. I said that i don't know that he will feel the same way in a couple of months time and that he might regret it and he said he would just deal with it if it happens. In the end he said that the friendship is over and hung up.

At that moment it was horrible. Now I feel wierd, but sort of feel a sense of freedom now. I feel very strange, like its not sort of real. I don't know whether i want to cry or not.

 

Where do i go from here?

 

It's so weird because my friend and I are also going round in circles. I ended it because I could not bear the way he was tuning down our friendship to just 'pals' and frankly I doubt you could bear it. I can't settle for anything less intense than we had and because of this I had to end it. My friend is still telling me he wants us to remain friends but does not want to be the way we were before and to be honest, even if he did, the minute he finds himself a girlfriend the whole friendship will crumble down again. Because just like you, the way we were is closer to a couple than two friends - only without the sex. It can't work and it just keeps you both from living your life to the full.

 

Now, you pull yourself together and try and do things for yourself. Pamper yourself, go out with other friends, try and date other people. Same you would do if you had been dumped by a boyfriend really. (right now I can't do this myself but I know it's good advice LOL) Time only will heal you (us).

 

By the way, I found out yesterday this girl I've been jealous about has very conveniently moved in and taken my "place". She is now doing all the things we did together with him. I was right all along about her. She's probably had her say in his getting so distant lately.

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Because just like you, the way we were is closer to a couple than two friends - only without the sex. It can't work and it just keeps you both from living your life to the full.

 

i think that is how he is thinking. When i think about the space in my life his absence has left its horrible BUT it also tells me how unhealthy the friendship was ( i actually started typing relationship then!) And just by the way he was saying it is "over" was so relationship. Yeah, and what was going to happen when he got another boyfriend? i think it would have colapsed then anyway. Like he said, we relied on each other too much.

 

I found out yesterday this girl I've been jealous about has very conveniently moved in and taken my "place". She is now doing all the things we did together with him. I was right all along about her. She's probably had her say in his getting so distant lately.

 

Yes well the best thing you can do is just think about this- She can never actually do the same things in the same way as you did with him. She can never take your "place" and it might just take time for him to realise that. i am in a similar situation in that theres not actually anyone in particular taking my place , but he is going to try and fill the gap with other people (my friends that he has adopted as his own) and they are just never going to fill that gap - because the only thing they have in common is me!(and these friends have admitted that)- and that they don't know how its going to work without me.

 

He's resigned from his job and today is his first day without a job - and i suspect this is going to mean he has more time to reflect on wht a mistake he has made in dumping me completely. I still don't think we have to be strangers

 

Now, you pull yourself together and try and do things for yourself. Pamper yourself, go out with other friends, try and date other people. Same you would do if you had been dumped by a boyfriend really. (right now I can't do this myself but I know it's good advice LOL) Time only will heal you (us).

 

Like you raleuse, i am definately not ready to date or anything. I've realised how much i lost of myself in investing time in this relationship/ friendship.

Its australia day today , a public holiday and therefore a long weekend. I have a friend who lives on the beach who i've known for 20 years. In November she broke up with her boyfriend of 16years. So we in a way are going through similar types of emotions. And we really feel comfortable talking about it to each other because other friends just get bored hearing it. She is ofcourse in a much bigger situation though, because they have a house to sell, and all of that yucky stuff. I'm going down to see her, and our agenda is beach, shopping, going out and eating.

 

Are you taking your own advice? Do you also have the occasional rush of excitement that you are now free from all the crap? Like a feeling of freedom? Ive had an occasional sense of that. I left a message on his phone when i knew he wouldn't be there to tell him that I felt free now. I don't want him to think that i am going to shrivel up and die. But i also really miss him.

 

If you decide to stay friends with him at all or even loose aquaintances you are never gong to be free of it.

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Well I'm glad you are starting to see things this way. And it's good you have friend to share this with (tho not for her obviously).

 

Are you taking your own advice? Do you also have the occasional rush of excitement that you are now free from all the crap? Like a feeling of freedom? Ive had an occasional sense of that. I left a message on his phone when i knew he wouldn't be there to tell him that I felt free now. I don't want him to think that i am going to shrivel up and die. But i also really miss him.

 

If you decide to stay friends with him at all or even loose aquaintances you are never gong to be free of it.

 

The thing is, he's my neighbour, so he will stay a loose aquaintance whether I like it or not. I try and avoid him, that's the best I can do. Maybe that's why I don't really have that feeling of freedom. When I decided to end the friendship, I did have the feeling it was the right thing to do and I would manage but freedom? Not yet anyway.

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thats very sticky indeed. and so you would know of his comings and goings. Just keep telling yourself that you made the right decision and soon enough you'll forget (sort of) that he's there. I hope you meet someone else.;) and hopefully someone who will let you finish your sentences in peace.

 

Went out with some friends this afternoon (its australia day here) drinking in the pub- and then went to see the fireworks. Loads of people. Loads of guys. There are so many other guys out there and its a cliche I know, but there really are. I'm going to try and not mope around for too long

 

"pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"

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:( :( :( well not having such a good day today. Going to the coiast tomorrow to see that friend of mine.

 

But tooodddaayy, boy o boy, the waves of sadness and regret i am getting are just revolting. I really reeeally need some words of wisdom today.

 

I know that it will pass, but it doesn't help me with the almost panicky feelings i am getting. I am so used to talking to him everyday. And i can't replace that with any of my existing friends.

 

I think that after he cancelled the holiday i should never have called him . I should have just let him be til he got over it. I shouldn't have left messages on his machine sayingg "i can't imagine my life without you in it" HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THAT?? (this was when he initially told me that he was not sure about us seeing each other) what was i thinking? I had had no sleep the night before so i was a bit delerious. Its not something that i normally would do.

 

And now, i just can't believe he said its over. Its really hard to believe. He used to say we'd still be friends when we are 90.

 

I'm thinking maybe he has not doubted his decision so far because of how desperate and needy i acted. He did say the other day that he was missing me.

 

To all the No Contact experts out there- do you think if I just never contact him at all (and it wouldn't be good to contact him now anyway - it would become stalking)- do you think if i go fully NC that he might slowly come around. We just had such a bond. It just doesn't make sense that he could cut it off completely.

 

Is there any chance we can be reconciled?? Help!! I don't want to be as close as we were before- all i want is for us not to be strangers. Really, thats all i want- just to keep in touch.

 

How, and CAN i turn this around at this late stage???:( :(

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I really feel for you. i don't think there is much you can do. But there is something that doesn't make sense about how he doesn't want to see you again. I don't know why you couldn't just stay in casual contact. i mean you are just friends after all. There si something not adding up in his actions, i think.

 

But then i don't add up myself in my own problems. I think that people don't know what they had until its gone. even if they chucked it away themselves.

 

there are some no contact professionals lurking around here on LS. Like Thekhris- you need to contact the gurus on this one!!

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it just feels so wrong that we are cut off completely. On the last conversation when he told me the friendship was "over" he said he misses me. and constantly thinks of things he wants to tell me about. I am absolutely desperate to salvage it. I consider his friendship to be one of the most important and significant i've ever had. I just am desperate for advice. it just feels so wrong.:(

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miss him very much, don't know what to do. Can't call him- he said its over. I can distract myself with other things etc, but really the pain is still there. i just wish there was a way he would change his mind and we could still be friends. I am so used to him being around.

 

 

it is so hard to believe he has done this.

 

I keep thinking - oh he told me he misses me, eventually with NC he'll miss me so much he'll call. i'm just kidding myself arent I????

 

 

.

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Hi Kimba, I'm back online and sad to read you are still hurting so much. I think you have to try and stop analyzing and wondering about what ifs. He is obviously sticking with his decision so you have to move on. Only time and sticking to no contact will heal you.

 

Unfortunately, I was not able to stick to my guns and my best friend and I are pretty much back to our old selves. He's pretty much dumped the other girl (I want to see this as being out of friendship for me but I doubt it) and is again acting like my best friend so all the reasons I gave him for ending the friendship are out of the window.

 

I say unfortunately because I very well know that the problem is still the same. I still have strong feelings for him that he doesn't share and am still unable to see him date someone else. The minute this happens our friendship will have to end and I'd better run and hide.

 

I do hope you find it in you to forget and forgive him.

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i am still too much in shock and disbelief to start forgiving and forgetting. The whole thing is a nightmare. I have never felt like this before. The loss i feel is so immense i cannot even describe it.

 

I am still thinking, oh its only been a few days since he dropped me into this hole, he said in the last conversation he misses me, surely with enough of the ol' NC he'll start really missing me and change his mind soon???

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I completely understand your pain, and I feel for you :)

 

To quote CaliGuy..

 

"NC is to heal not to hope"

 

Never a truer word spoken.

 

You ARE kidding yourself with 'hope'. All hope leads to is disappointment and more hurt. A pessimistic view yes, but that doesnt mean its a bad one. If you're pessimistic, surprises will come in the form of good things. Optimism only leads to further heartbreak and pain.

 

Use NC to give yourself space to come to terms with your feelings and emotions. Contact from him will only destroy any progress made.

 

Its a month later for me, and I'll be honest, i still feel like crap. I felt better earlier this week before i realised it was the 'anniversairy'. Hopefully i'll feel better tomorrow. It does get easier. The pain does slowly subside, slowly.

 

 

Rocket

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(the lost my friend one) but didn't want to hijack... is he back? I do hope so for you.

 

No, he hasn't contacted me and I would seriously think its more likely that a pink elephant (magichands :bunny: ) would fly over my house wearing a tutu than him call me.

 

i broke NC the day before yesterday by sending a letter explaining some of my behaviour over the past few months, but I think its all too late.:(

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Can I just ask, why is this such friendship such a big deal for you? You seem to be acting more like someone would in a love relationship than in a normal friendship.

 

This is something I have noticed with opposite-sex friendships. I once broke off a platonic friendship with a woman, so perhaps I can offer the opposite point of view. Basically, for a guy, your friends can't be placing demands on you. You describe your friendship as "intense". Friendships aren't intense. Love affairs are intense. The whole point of friendships is to be utterly low-maintenance, steady, and reliable, with no drama whatsoever. Basically it sounds like you had something more like a romantic relationship, but because of the lack of any sex (due to his orientation) you allowed yourself to mistake this for a friendship. Male/female friendships are tricky at the best of times and it looks as though you've simply confused one thing for another.

 

 

I just wanted to say I think all that is a load of bull. You are describing pals not friends, looks like you'd make quite the bad friend from all that.

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