A strange (and long) one!

[RocketMan2]

Alright guys,

 

I need some advice on this one.... Im not clear in my head how everything ties to gether so im just gonna write the facts down, so dont expect this post to flow very well!

 

About a year ago I was introduced to this girl. She was basically friends with ALL my friends, Im not sure how i hadn't met her earlier...anyway....

 

Now shes not 'butch', but basically all her mates are lads, she says she just gets on better with them. (This is the girl my gf had trouble accepting was just a friend and was very jealous of).

 

We always got on really well, and i suppose we flirted a bit, but to me it was always because she was the only one of my friends that i actually connected with. (my gf picked up on this, she used to say i got on better with this girl than her!) We just seemed to be on the same wavelength.

 

 

Because of my ex's jealousy I was basically forced to choose between being friends with her, or going out with my ex. This was IMPOSSIBLE because whenever i see my mates, shes there, they all live together in a student house!

 

What i ended up doing was basically not talking to her very much, but this escallated the problem, because when we did talk, it would set my ex right off on the jealousy thing.

 

I feel absolutely terrible for how i treated this girl, i mean really terrible. When me an my ex were round it made her feel uncomfortable in her own house! Shes so polite that she never said anything, even though quite frankly she should have!

 

I decided to talk to her the other day and make a serious appology. I really tried to let her know all this but all she said to every comment was a very quick "no its fine". Now it isnt fine at all, i know it, she knows it, but shes so polite that she'd never tell me what a jerk ive been and how mad she is. I want her to, I deserve her to hate me and she should get it off her chest.

 

Then i REALLY put my foot RIGHT IN IT. I mean right in it.

 

I was text this girl about if she knew where my exs stuff was in their house, and i mentioned a few DVD names that my ex said she thought shed left there, it turns out (probably only through my ex having forgot which were hers) that id listed a few DVDs that belonged to this girl.

 

That really really p*ssed her off, understandably so. Yet she still didnt get mad, just responded slightly less politely (which is a massive thing for her, she says pleases and thankyous around everything, she must have been really mad!!!!)

 

 

I text her later that day saying i was sorry and that it was out of order for me to have even gotten her involved in finding my exs things (after all, my ex was rather horrible to her because of the jealousy). She didnt reply.

 

How do I fix this?

 

I tried apologising and made a right hash of that. If I do it again it wont carry much weight, because of how badly i cocked the last one up.

 

This girl was really there for me when me and my ex split, she used to let me moan at her loads and cry on her shoulder and everything.

 

She really is a brilliant person and ive treated her like crap.

 

This is the thing though, I don't know how she really sees me. I know we're friends, but i really cant help thinking that maybe she does want more. I cant really explain why, its just a curious feeling. Should i ask her and try and get it out in the open?

 

If she does want something more, (i dont know what id want) id at least like to put her out of her misery by telling her a yes or no.

 

You know?

 

Thoughts appreciated

[guin_girl]

I'm also one of those girls that has most all male friends, so trust me when I say, we are used to the "jealous girlfriends". We just fit in better with guys... so even when the girlfriends come around, we don't buddy up with them and that adds to their not being comfortable. It's hard, it's kinda like when they come around and since I'm the only other girl it's my responsibility to entertain them... so when she says it's ok, it is, she knows how it is.

 

As for whether to pursue a relationship with her, it's hard to make that transition, and in particular when you have looked to her as your sounding board. She has to see that your break up will stick and that you have completely moved on before any consideration. I would treat as you always have, keep building that friendship and if it's meant to be, you will know... you won't need to ask...

[RocketMan2]

The point about not knowing how she feels about me wasnt really meant to come across like i want to get with her. Rather that she has other feelings going on when im talking to her and i dont know how shes really reacting to what im saying. Shes in love with this guy who doesnt want her anyway - shes really hung up on that.

 

She didnt have to do the entertaining, my mates gfs used to do the girly stuff with the ex, we used to play on the xbox or whatever (with the lads).

 

 

I dont think she is used to the jealosy thing, because my mates gfs completely understand our (me, my mates and her) relationship. They used to spend ages telling my ex it was nothing and that they couldnt see anything between me and her.

 

Thoughts?

[guin_girl]

so you just want to know what she thinks of you as a friend or if she likes you and wants to take it to the next level?

[RocketMan2]

No no, you misunderstand completely, maybe i didnt say this very well..

 

I want to know how i can apologise to her for this! Thats all!

 

The point about her maybe having feelings for me was because i really dont know what shes thinking so i dont know how to approach her.

 

 

Thanks

[guin_girl]

ohhhh..... sorry, didn't mean to be so dense.... maybe it's too early on Saturday morning, I should be watching cartoons

 

well you already did apologize and you don't want to beat a dead horse. But if you are able to "bump" into her and do a face to face by thanking her for her support and apologize if you overstepped the friendship bounds you will be able to gauge her reaction. You didn't mean to put her in an uncomfortable position. It also could be that your apology didn't require a response, so she didn't. all she would have said is "it's ok".

 

if this were a guy, would you have expected a response from them? treat her like you would as one of the guys. if you are more attentive, she may think you want more and she may think that might jeopardize the friendship?

[RocketMan2]

Hmm I suppose.

 

I just really cant read her at all (yet i can read her like a book when we play poker!)

 

Do you think I should try to find out if she likes me? How would I ask her?

 

I don't know if she'd admit it if it was true, and if it isnt i'd look like an idiot for asking!

[vanessabg]

I think you just ask her out if she truly love to you,if she refuse to you.then nothing but "Fortune doesn't smile on all"

[riobikini]

re:

 

RocketMan: " A strange (and long) one! "

 

By the looks of your thread title, -at first, I thought you'd posted in the *wrong* forum.

 

(Smile)

 

Answer to your question: Apologize for any bad behavior on your part, ask her out, and see how it goes.

 

-Rio

[RocketMan2]

I've made such a cock up though

 

I think shes ignoring me because she didnt really speak to me the other night when i saw her with friends and she hasnt replied to my friendly texts just asking whats going on (she normally would)

 

 

What an idiot i am

[riobikini]

RocketMan, the world is still spinning.

 

-Rio

[RocketMan2]

Just an update here, firstly to vent but also to see if anyone has any advice...

 

We watched the football (soccer) match yesterday together in the pub with 3 other friends. We were getting on fine, she was being a bit touchy-feely at critical moments in the game, like grabbing my arm when someone was about to score. I thought she'd obviously got over whatever was bothering her.

 

But then that night, i went to her works do with her and some other people i know that work there and she was completely cold with me, like she didnt even know me.

 

WTF?!

 

Does the NC rule apply to friendships too?

 

I just want to sit her down and say, "just have a go at me will you!!! Shout at me for whatever ive done. Im obviously guilty of something, so just tell me then i can apologise and not do it again!"

 

She never will though, thats how she is with everyone. She just agrees with everything and goes along with it even if shes unhappy

 

The thing is she lives with 3 of my other good mates, so im always round there house, so i have to be around her.

 

Do you think theres any way to get through to her, should i even bother any more?

 

Shes was being pretty rude the other night which really pissed me off, and my 'understanding' side of her problem-with-talking-about-things is starting to fade and im gonna get mad with her soon, which i dont want to happen.

 

Any ideas?

 

Thanks,

 

Rocket

[riobikini]

re:

 

RocketMan: " Any ideas?"

 

 

RM -yes- I do have an idea or two.

 

The best one, though, is this thought: if you're having *this* much trouble understanding her and interacting with her now -how much worse would it be to have her as *more* than just a friend???

 

Cultivate more rewarding friendships -surely, you can do better than this.

 

-Rio

[RocketMan2]

Hey,

 

Thanks for the response Rio,

 

Im not necessarilly interested in taking anything further, at the moment i am just trying to sort our friendship out

 

My comments about it being anything more were just me not understanding what she wants. I think maybe that got lost in translation.

 

What can I do to sort our friendship out?

 

Rocket

[riobikini]

Same answer, RM:

 

"Cultivate more rewarding friendships -surely, you can do better than this."

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Jalav]

Rocket,

I must admit to being confused at this point. You say you want help on the friendship but then wonder about her feeling more for you. When someone tries to clarify your posts, you say it's not about more feelings but then it is again in the next post. You say you want her to shout and berate and get angry but then say you're about to get mad at her for being rude to you. Perhaps I'm now the one being dense, but it seems to me you need to focus on the actual problem (i.e., you treating her like crap) and not force the other issues right now. You've already apologized and then messed it up and then tried to force the issue by sending her texts and hanging out with her. My suggestion would be to ask her to speak privately next time your at her house. Tell her you messed up and your sorry and that you know she needs time to sort out how she feels about everything. Tell her you know y'all will run into each other often but that it's not an attempt on your part to make her uncomfortable or put her on the spot. Ask her if she has anything she'd like to say or vent about and let her know you're available to talk when she's ready. I wouldn't even worry about or mention her possible feelings for you right now. You need to sort out the friendship first. I don't know what else I could add to that, but good luck!

[Raleuse]

Have to agree with Jalav.

 

You are overanalysing (I thought that was a women thing). Apologise again if you feel it wasn't done properly/undone/not accepted and then take a step back and give her and your friendship time. It may even have nothing to do with you - we all have problems to deal with from time to time.

 

Reading the confusion in your posts about feelings, I'd just forget about that for a while and when you know where things stand on the friendship front, look at what YOU want and what YOU are feeling because I don't think it's clear at all - you even say so in one of your posts. And when you do, don't forget that you'll still have to see her at your mates whatever you decide. But for now, just concentrate on the friendship.

 

Good luck.