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concerned about friend


oneofakind

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I'm not sure whether or not I should be concerned for my friend. Her boyfriend is the same age as her (20), and they've only been together for less than a year. He's constantly showing her with expensive gifts from the beginning. They started out as friends, and they became official when he got her a promise ring that cost a little over 200 dollars. About a few months of being together, they started talking about marriage and whatnot. What's strange is that I remember her telling me that when he first started bringing up the idea of marriage, she was unconfortable...but after her and her boyfriend talked about it for a while, she now feels confortable.

 

What concerns me is that she still lives with her parents and has had only had one other relationship besides him. Right now, she's in college commuting from home, while her boyfriend is a fireman who has his own house. She's also has been spending less and less time with her friends and most of her free time with her boyfriend. I told her that I thought she was rushing things with her boyfriend, but she got angry at me and told me that her and her boyfriend knew exactly what they were doing. Her previous relationship was an abusive one. I'm just concerned b/c I don't wanna see her get into another abusive one. I don't know...maybe I'm seeing things totally wrong.

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So let's see...he gives her gifts, bought her a promise ring, has a good job, owns his own home, they discuss things like marriage, and they spend a lot of time together. I'm not sure why you are worried that he might be abusive toward her? You haven't mentioned anything that sounds abusive.

 

Yes, they are both very young to be talking of marriage, and they haven't been together very long. That sounds like the foolishness of young people in love, though, and not abuse. And young people in love rarely listen to any words of caution about waiting to make such a big life decision about marriage.

 

Is there more to this story?

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I guess cause I had a relationship where the guy started out showering me with gifts and talking about marriage early on in the relationship, then ending up treating me like crap....but not every guy is like that I suppose. Probably the only main thing I've noticed that I didn't mention in the last entry is that her boyfriend seems to be the one pressuring her to get married soon. But you're probably right...he's just that great of a guy. My problem is, I see her getting married too soon and ending up getting divorced.

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is anyone else wondering what happened to all those happy people - hey, my friend was treated the same by his ex gf, for 5 years she treated him like a king and she got sick for 5 months, and when she got better, with help from everyone, they got back together and just had a new baby and they are now on a trip - so, there are lots of happy stories out there - not all are doom and gloom - life is what u make it peeps

 

get happy and soon!

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I guess cause I had a relationship where the guy started out showering me with gifts and talking about marriage early on in the relationship, then ending up treating me like crap....but not every guy is like that I suppose. Probably the only main thing I've noticed that I didn't mention in the last entry is that her boyfriend seems to be the one pressuring her to get married soon. But you're probably right...he's just that great of a guy. My problem is, I see her getting married too soon and ending up getting divorced.

 

It's kind of you to be concerned for her, but you really can't do much more than be there for her as she goes through her life path. You might be right, or not, but either way, she'll do what she feels is right for herself. Unless there's something that happens that is clearly abusive, all you can do is support her as a friend.

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Actually a very fast relationship and showering with gifts is what happens with most abusive relationships...according to psychologists at least. Obviously not every relationship like that is ingenuine but it can be...the thing with abusers is they're really sweet at first to get someone hooked, and when they have them they start the bad things.

 

Another worry sign is that she spends less time with her friends - it's a classic in abusive things for the victim to be alienated from friends and family...do you think he's suggesting to her that her friends are not good for her and she should spend less time with them?

 

The thing is, people have said that abuse victims attract abusers...like a vibe or something, so if she has not healed from the previous abusive one...

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