Does my ex-buddy actually still want a friendship?!

[Karina1974]

Hey all. This is my first post; I found this board many pages into a Web Search on the topics of friendship, forgiveness, and reconciliation that I've been doing with regards to a former buddy of mine. I have a question about some "interactions" - for lack of a better word - that have transpired since the ceasing of our friendship (his decision) and what they could mean. I'm hoping someone wiser than I who posts here could shed some light on this.

 

Well, I had a buddy for 2 years. We met through our jobs in Feb. 2004; I am a receptionist and he was the mail carrier who delivered to my place of employment. The first few months we would banter back and forth about this and that whenever he came in, and about 6 months into this we began a relationship outside of work, and we became rather tight, as tight as a 63-year-old man can with a 30-year-old woman. He became my mentor, my counselor, my personal trainer, and our weekly summit meetings at my apartment were a highlight of my otherwise ordinary existance. He would fill my ears with tales of his Air Force days, the time he spent in Japan learning Karate (and the spiritual truths he gained from the martial arts), and what it was like to be a young black man in the 1960's, as well as being an old black man in the 2000's. I would go to the lanes on Saturday nights to watch him bowl, and hang out drinking with him in the bar afterwards, and smoking you-know-what out in the parking lot in his old black Cadillac (actually we only smoked together twice). He retired in Dec. 2005, and took a job as a leasing consultant at a local apartment complex, and we continued the long line of conversations we had begun in the lobby and carried over into the parking lot or other spots on his route when I would go out walking on my lunch break.

 

But then, about 2 months ago, I did something that made him end our friendship. I won't go into details, but basically he was in a situation that would prevent our meeting that week, and let me know about it, and I put the fact that I wouldn't see him before his being in trouble, and said so. He told me (via voice mail on my cell phone) we are not buddies now, that he was a buddy but that I was not (because of putting myself first), that I should go my separate way, that our (spiritual) connection was moot, that maybe somewhere down the line I would come to realize exactly what it is that has been going on because now I didn't have a clue, and that "as it stands right now, everything is off the table."

 

Of course I was crushed, but I understood why he had done it. I accepted fully my responsibiliy in the fiasco. I went for a month, working through my feelings, and I forgave him for his part in the incident (namely, not confronting me in person but cutting and running instead).

 

Here's where things get interesting, and brings me to my question. I started walking for fitness around the time he and I became buddies, and I started walking a new route 5 weeks ago, part of it on the same road he took to get to work, at the same time he would be driving on that road (this was on the weekends). The first two times he passed me (I was in the breakdown, he in the right-hand lane) he didn't respond outwardly, though I could see on his face he knew who he was passing. I didn't respond either. I didn't see him for 2 weeks after that happened. About 2 weeks ago I saw him again on a Saturday, and something told me to wave to him, which I did. I saw his hand come up off the wheel, but it was so unobvious I thought I was seeing things. The following day I had to cut through the complex on an errand and drove by his office JUST as he was coming out of the office. HE waved first this time. ***CAUGHT***

 

I've seen him on the road the following two weeks. The first time it was in a pouring rain and I waved to him, but I don't know what he did, but I think his respect for me went up a notch. He never thought I would actually walk in a heavy rainfall, but if I ever did, I would have it "going on". Then last weekend I saw him again and waved, and this time there was no mistaking it. He looked as if he was cleaning the inside of his windshield as he waved back.

 

So, what does this mean? If you were in his position, would you have waved back, given the one-finger-salute or done nothing? I've been toying with the idea of contacting him, and using these encounters as a way to guage whether or not I should.

 

Any thoughts? Ideas?

[Ripples]

Karina, this is a really interesting scenario, not least because I haven't seen anything too similar posted here since I've been a member.

 

First off, it's pretty difficult to give a thought on your position as I have no idea what could have happened between the two of you to make a, seemingly, very sage and wise guy ditch you. However, kudos to you for the waving thing, that shows maturity to me and I guess to him too, as he's waving back.

 

Without knowing the situation (and I'd like you to expand on it) I can only offer that you dont' contact him directly, but allow him to make the next move. You've started it off, and it seems to me that the ball is in his court. Maybe if you do anything more you could queer your pitch and that would be a shame.

 

Meanwhile, keep walking

[Karina1974]

Karina, this is a really interesting scenario, not least because I haven't seen anything too similar posted here since I've been a member.

 

That's probably what everyone would say if a ever posted a treatise on our entire relationship, plus the concepts he's been trying to impart to me...that they've not seen anything like it. It's a very unique relationship, on many fronts, and one that I would very much like to get back.

 

First off, it's pretty difficult to give a thought on your position as I have no idea what could have happened between the two of you to make a, seemingly, very sage and wise guy ditch you. However, kudos to you for the waving thing, that shows maturity to me and I guess to him too, as he's waving back. Without knowing the situation (and I'd like you to expand on it)...

 

Well, here's what happened. He was supposed to come over to my house for one of our meetings, and I was really looking forward to it because I was starting a temp. night job the following week, which meant that we wouldn't be seeing each other for at least 3 weeks. It was the day after Labor Day (a holiday falling on the first Monday in September) and he was working. He had a lot of paperwork to do after the office closed at 6:00 PM, and he was still working at 7:50 and he called and said he couldn't come over, but he would come over the following night. He had to go over to North Adams, Mass. (in the the next state over from New York) that day, but would call early if he couldn't make it.

 

So, I keep checking my cell phone for messages and don't get any... until I got home from work, to find a message from him, saying that his car wouldn't start, that he was working on getting a tow truck to get the car home. At that point, I was just thinking "Not AGAIN!", so I didn't respond; just got my roller skates and heading out to the local rink. The next morning, I get a message from him again, "just in case you're interested" saying that the tow truck driver had known of a garage that was open, so the car was fixed and he had made it home that night. I left him a text message, saying I didn't know what to say except that I was "disappointed about the last 2 nights". I then tried to call him later on, but got no answer. I went to see him at the office the next day (Friday), and he said he would call me, which he did the following Tuesday, when he left me the messages I mentioned in my first post.

 

He also said that when you have a buddy and that buddy says they have a problem, your first response is NOT about you and how this problem may affect you (if it does), but it SHOULD be about "Is everything OK" Is there something I can do to help you?" He wasn't expecting me to actually DO anything, but he did not expect the response he got.

 

It's funny, because this is not the first time this has happened to us. It happened back in January, with him not showing up (and NOT calling!) and I got on voice mail and accused him of standing me up (he had an emergency with a family member and couldn't use a cell in the hospital), and he sent me pretty much the same type of message. The difference between then and now is there was NO contact at all (he had retired by that time) until March, when he left a gift in my mailbox that could ONLY have come from him. I called him a week later, and things were fine up until Sept. 6.

 

I can only offer that you dont' contact him directly, but allow him to make the next move. You've started it off, and it seems to me that the ball is in his court. Maybe if you do anything more you could queer your pitch and that would be a shame.

 

Meanwhile, keep walking

 

See, I'm not so sure that the ball might not still be in my court. I feel I do owe him an apology for being so thoughtless, and therefore the onus is on me to do the contacting in order to do that. Besides, I don't know if he's already deleted me from his call list on his cell, so he might not even have a way of contacting me.

 

I think I'm just going to take a few more weeks of gauging his reactions to me when we pass and then decide what to do from there. I think at this point it's about winning back the respect he's had for me and my walking regimen, especially when the temperature drops and the snow starts to fly (or the rain starts to pour as it did 2 weeks ago and it may do tomorrow!).