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Am I A Bad Friend or is She?


Spiked Mee

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This is quite a long, involved story but for you dear reader, I’m going to keep it brief!

 

I have this friend, lets call her Friend A. I met Friend A through my Ex; we became close and have had a friendship for some time now. I enjoy her company, but if I’m truthful with myself – there is something in my gut that tells me something isn’t right.

 

I recently moved towns, but have done my best to keep in regular contact with Friend A (and her circle of friends she introduced me too) – although I’m not seeing as much of her now for obviously reasons. Previously we lived in the same town, quite close together. Recently I have started dating a new person also, who also doesn’t live in the same town as me, which means I have to be very organized these days to make sure I still see my friends (old and new), family and my new boyfriend. All my other friends are accepting of the changes in my life, but she doesn’t?

 

So, I recently had dinner with Friend A, which was all very nice. I sent her an email not long afterwards (the very next day I think?) saying thanks for a nice night and we should do it again soon. No response. I then emailed about some drinks I was hosting and invited her along, still no response. I then emailed AGAIN this week asking her to dinner and again, no response. I’m pretty confident she’s getting my emails (I know she’s at work) and I know she’s been responding to other friend’s emails etc (I did a wee bit of detective work on this one!).

 

Apologies that this is getting long winded, but our friendship has been bothering me for sometime now – and this just really irks me? If I’ve done something wrong, I would prefer to know so I can sort it out – but is she just trying to let the relationship slide? Have I been a bad friend to her by not spending all this time with her anymore? I feel I’m being judged (and harshly so) for moving, having a boyfriend and a life outside of her friendship. I’m a bit confused and hurt – because I care for our friendship deeply.

 

Any advice?

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I know exactly how you feel. I have had a freind for years, we were quite close, and she was voluntarily my number one supporter when my husband and I were having trouble last year. However my husband and I worked things out, and stayed together and ever since she has been the same way as your freind - nothing in particular has happened between us to make her angry with me or anything, but she's just stopped returning phone calls, e-mails, etc. all of sudden.

 

A part of me would really like to send her an e-mail and ask what on earth is up, and to talk to me if there is a problem, but the more time goes by the more I realize that if she's too resentful of my having a relationship with someone else, or simply not willing to put the effort into the freindship to keep it going, I guess its not really the freindship I had hoped it was all that time anyways. Its silly in a way, but it sounds like your freind is a bit jealous of your new guy, and perhaps too self-centered to want to hear about it.

 

Does she have a boyfreind? If not, that may be adding to her envy. Or maybe she is a bit put out that you seem to really be moving forward in your life and too busy for her. Could it be she is reacting to your behaviour and simply trying to make you think she is as busy as you, and has as little time for you as you do for her?

 

Regardless of her motivations, I think she is not deserving of your freindship if she is not willing to at least respond to a few simple e-mails. I'd keep the door open and not shut her out altogether if she contacts you, but recognize the relationship for what it is and not put too much reliance on the freindship.

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I am in the same situation only my so called friend first she has manipulated herself into my life enabled me to support myself and then gave me a trailer to live in. This was in the year 2000. Since then without me realizing the extent of what was really going on. Until recently. We got a 2 master town house together. we both work and pay even amounts of everything. We both excepted Christ in our life I did first then she followed suit. This is when I realized we were so different that I don't know how I was ever her friend in the first place.

 

This women has totally been in control of me without me knowing it. I find myself worried if I get home late cause she flips out and if I go on a date OMG she changed my computer password and left a note saying have your new boyfriend pay your rent. I was shocked. I dont know what these women we are dealing with have going on in their minds. But I think its scary. And pretty whacko too.

 

Last night my BF came over for a while and we went into my room. She knocked on the door 8 times while he was here talking crazy i was so imbarrassed. Im done though, my contract is up in Feb I told her to concider me a ghost from here on out.

 

I think both of you are better off without these friends. It is plain and simple they have more then friendship feeling for you wether you ever knew it or not. Friends in my book are not like that. Thats just Weird.

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Gut feelings are always worth listening, but I would not worry yet.

 

Perhaps she is replying to your other friends' emails before she replies to yours for reasons that have nothing to do with a personal grudge against you. Is she usually an email kind of person?

 

You said you met her through your ex - is their friendship close?

Is your ex 100% over you? If not, perhaps she is just in a very unconfortable position.

Any chances that your ex might be asking her about your new bf?

 

Also, sometimes friendship relationships just slide - and it has nothing to do with how much you like the person. I think it is relatively common to invest less energy in a person whom you used to be very close with but now lives further away and you can see less in person. I wonder whether it is a kind of "coping" mechanism.

 

Anyway, you could tell her that you are worried and have this strange gut feeling. Sometimes being straightforward is the quickest way to get to the core of the problem, or to find out that there is no problem at all.

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