I love my coworker, she does not talk to me

[Guest]

I'll get right to it: I'm in love with a female co-worker. We've been friends for a number of years, we're both married, both have children and neither of us has any intention of leaving our current spouses or lives for the other. In fact, she has no idea that I love her as much as I do.

 

She is one of the most amazing, beautiful, intelligent people I've ever met. When I'm around her, I feel totally alive, completely engaged and incredibly connected to her. I've worked on sublimating all this into a warm and wonderful friendship, but it's becoming more and more of a strain not to just come out and tell her I love her.

 

If I were to do that, it wouldn't be that I'd want her to leave her husband for me. The very idea of that seems preposterous. I'm not entirely clear what I would want by telling her I love her, but I think I just need for her to know that I have these incredible feelings. I want her to know that I am her friend, but also that I truly love her as a woman.

 

Writing it down has made it all seem so tawdry and just kind of pathetic, but here I am sitting with these same feelings, about to burst with the intensity of it all. I just wonder what she would say, how it would affect our relationship and if it even makes sense at all to do it.

 

I can envision a scenario where she looks at me shocked and concerned before politely telling me that we shouldn't be friends anymore. Of course that would break my heart and I would regret having told her anything at all. I can also envision, though, an outcome where she looks at me and says something like, "You know, I love you too. We just can't do anything about that except be friends." I could definitely live with that and maybe the intensity of these feelings would lessen enough to be comfortable.

 

So, I guess mine is a two-part question. First, is it OK to remain friends with a married woman when you have these kinds of feelings for her, especially when I'm a married man? Second, does it make any sense to tell her, or should I just keep transmuting these feelings into an incredible friendship and hope for the best?

Now a days because of some confustion we don't talk, I keep on thinking about her whole day. How can I get her to talk to me/ come to me

 

I should add that I love my wife very much and would never do anything to hurt her. I think there is some guilt on my conscience over the feelings I have for my friend, and this is not something I can talk with my wife about. I fear she would be terribly hurt, and rightly so. I just feel trapped by all this and sometimes wonder if I'm not just a bit crazy.

[Taressa]

It's lovely that you've built and maintained such a fantastic relationship with this woman. I'm alarmed, however, that you've allowed your feelings to grow into something you seem to know is not correct to feel and that now you are hoping for an innocent way to declare those feelings to her.

 

I would urge you, in hope of saving your marriage and hers, to keep those feelings to yourself. The only outcome I see if you open yourself to her is either an end to your marriage or an introduction of awkwardness in your friendship.

 

Instead of studying your relationship with the lovely woman at work could you perhaps put a little more time into building intimacy within your marriage? It doesn't seem you are in a bitter or bad relationship at home... perhaps you could fall deeper in love with the woman you once promised to faithfully share your life and love with.

 

I'm sorry... this does come across as judgmental. I just get the feeling you're a very good man allowing yourself to flirt with danger. I suspect your conscience is banging pretty hard with the knowledge of what you should or shouldn't do. I wish you great love found in the right arms.

[SoleMate]

Yes, what you are doing is wrong and dangerous, and you have already hurt your wife by allowing yourself to fall in love outside your marriage.

 

...is it OK to remain friends with a married woman when you have these kinds of feelings for her, especially when I'm a married man?

No.

 

Second, does it make any sense to tell her?

No.

 

...should I just keep transmuting these feelings into an incredible friendship and hope for the best?

No. You should look for a new job and focus all your loving attentions on your wife.

 

Please understand this clearly: Falling in love outside your marriage inevitably hurts your spouse. She is already sensing your guilt and your distance. She may be blaming herself. She may be very worried and afraid to talk to you.

 

...this is not something I can talk with my wife about. I fear she would be terribly hurt, and rightly so.

Hmm, let's see...a choice between honesty and openness in the marriage, or ignoring your wife's reactions to your betrayal? Don't hide behind "fear of hurting her". In reality, the fear of the heat YOU would feel - and the loss of your emotional lover - is an equally significant consideration in your decision to conceal.

 

Search for "marriage builders" and learn about the damage you are doing with your emotional affair.

[Guest]

As you know we don't talk to each other now a days due to some miscofussion. (Actually I called her and she wantedly did not pick up my call), So I got upset.

Should I talk to her? should I not.

Should I wait for her to talk to me. What should I do?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, what you are doing is wrong and dangerous, and you have already hurt your wife by allowing yourself to fall in love outside your marriage.

 

 

No.

 

 

No.

 

 

No. You should look for a new job and focus all your loving attentions on your wife.

 

Please understand this clearly: Falling in love outside your marriage inevitably hurts your spouse. She is already sensing your guilt and your distance. She may be blaming herself. She may be very worried and afraid to talk to you.

 

 

Hmm, let's see...a choice between honesty and openness in the marriage, or ignoring your wife's reactions to your betrayal? Don't hide behind "fear of hurting her". In reality, the fear of the heat YOU would feel - and the loss of your emotional lover - is an equally significant consideration in your decision to conceal.

 

Search for "marriage builders" and learn about the damage you are doing with your emotional affair.

[Guest]

My question would be....why are you so in love with this person? Are you sure you love your wife or just staying out of guilt? I agree...you should work harder on your marriage.

[Taressa]

About your married friend:

[quote=

Now a days because of some confustion we don't talk, I keep on thinking about her whole day. How can I get her to talk to me/ come to me

 

 

About your wife:

 

 

Dude... and now you're angry that the married friend isn't giving you the attention you need? I'm not so sure I was correct in assuming you were a good man. I'm beginning to suspect you are a nice man but an immature man who most wants what he doesn't have.

 

What you've written portrays your reactions as immature and reactive. I think some soul-searching of what values are important to you may be the most helpful thing to you.

 

I would urge you to recognize the work relationship through the eyes of the woman you are in love with. If she's not talking to you, give her the freedom to step away from the danger you're playing with. Friendship and love would allow her the freedom not to talk. Anger at her silence is completely inappropriate.

 

Re-reading your original writing in which you said you would never do anything to hurt your wife... that's a load of crap. You've had an affair of the heart. Any woman knows when her man's heart is divided. You've already hurt your wife.

 

I think it's time to live up to vows and ignore some of the desires you've brought yourself into. You played with some fire and got confused that it felt so good. Self-denial is the thing of mature relationships. I hope you can put away your selfish desires and work on the relationship you promised to cherish for life. The work you put into your marriage will be rewarded. Just rechannel the passion you feel in the right direction.

 

Best wishes for wise decisions.

[Guest]

I understand and admire your advise.

The main conern as of today I have is that I can not leave my job, She comes on my everytime I get out of my room. I can not ignore her as its my office, No one knows that we don;t talk and neither I want to tell anyone.

I am hiding my feelings and trying to aviod her. But it also has happend that the days I avoid going outside, or avoid her, she comes on my way and smiles at me.

??????

LIKE yesterday, I was in Human Resource department talking to my Legal adviser, she came in there and started involving into our discusion. I wraped up and left Legal dept.

What should I do.

 

 

 

 

 

About your married friend:

 

 

 

About your wife:

 

 

 

Dude... and now you're angry that the married friend isn't giving you the attention you need? I'm not so sure I was correct in assuming you were a good man. I'm beginning to suspect you are a nice man but an immature man who most wants what he doesn't have.

 

What you've written portrays your reactions as immature and reactive. I think some soul-searching of what values are important to you may be the most helpful thing to you.

 

I would urge you to recognize the work relationship through the eyes of the woman you are in love with. If she's not talking to you, give her the freedom to step away from the danger you're playing with. Friendship and love would allow her the freedom not to talk. Anger at her silence is completely inappropriate.

 

Re-reading your original writing in which you said you would never do anything to hurt your wife... that's a load of crap. You've had an affair of the heart. Any woman knows when her man's heart is divided. You've already hurt your wife.

 

I think it's time to live up to vows and ignore some of the desires you've brought yourself into. You played with some fire and got confused that it felt so good. Self-denial is the thing of mature relationships. I hope you can put away your selfish desires and work on the relationship you promised to cherish for life. The work you put into your marriage will be rewarded. Just rechannel the passion you feel in the right direction.

 

Best wishes for wise decisions.

[Taressa]

I would think that the more time you spend with your wife and the more straightened up your feelings at home become the less it will matter what the woman at work does or does not do.

 

It sounds like you are being professional and courteous to the woman at work - that is wise because anything otherwise could endanger your job. I do believe, however, that you and the woman at work are still involved in a game that could bring you right up the brink of temptation again. The only clear thing is that what you thought was love for this woman now has the appearance of something less than love.

 

For your personal integrity I hope you'll remain strictly professional in your conversations with the woman at work. Her feelings on anything besides work issues are immaterial.

 

The things you've said about your wife seem to show she is a kind woman and someone you still very much love. You've done some damage to your marriage and to your own self confidence by allowing your heart to wander but if you concentrate on re-learning the things you love about your wife and on making her feel loved your marriage can be better than ever. Then you'll likely reap a love and passion that comes with no searing to the conscience.

 

Best wishes... make wise choices and you'll reap good consequences.

 

Taressa

[Guest]

I entirly agree with this but at the same time, I am little confused.

Its almost a week I am observing that she (When ever any opportunity arises) smiles and say hi to me. I have also noticed that even though I talk to other coworkers standing beside her, she is the one who respond. I feel like avioding her, but my circumstances does not..... I listen to her but answer to other coworker. I don;t want to create a senerio for other to ask me whats wrong with you too.

I have been avioding to think about her but.....

anyway, what should be the right thing to do. Do I need to talk to her, or

if.......

OR ????? WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR to understand that she is interested to.

just friendly

 

CONFUSED, COMPLETELY ZAPPED

 

 

 

I would think that the more time you spend with your wife and the more straightened up your feelings at home become the less it will matter what the woman at work does or does not do.

 

It sounds like you are being professional and courteous to the woman at work - that is wise because anything otherwise could endanger your job. I do believe, however, that you and the woman at work are still involved in a game that could bring you right up the brink of temptation again. The only clear thing is that what you thought was love for this woman now has the appearance of something less than love.

 

For your personal integrity I hope you'll remain strictly professional in your conversations with the woman at work. Her feelings on anything besides work issues are immaterial.

 

The things you've said about your wife seem to show she is a kind woman and someone you still very much love. You've done some damage to your marriage and to your own self confidence by allowing your heart to wander but if you concentrate on re-learning the things you love about your wife and on making her feel loved your marriage can be better than ever. Then you'll likely reap a love and passion that comes with no searing to the conscience.

 

Best wishes... make wise choices and you'll reap good consequences.

 

Taressa

[Xed]

Been there, done that. Tough place to be in.

 

Every three or four years, I meet a woman for whom I develop a terrible crush. Usually a co-worker. We become friends, we start hanging out, taking coffee breaks together. Then I find myself thinking about them more, trying to engineer chance meetings, and trying to be much more casual than I really feel. I'm smitten.

 

Now a days because of some confustion we don't talk, I keep on thinking about her whole day. How can I get her to talk to me/ come to me

 

I just feel trapped by all this and sometimes wonder if I'm not just a bit crazy.

Remember adolescent infatuation? That made you feel like you were crazy too, right? This is just an advanced form of that. Kind of like shingles is to chicken pox.

 

You're not crazy yet, but your anxiety is only likely to increase the longer you put off resolving the situation.

 

I should add that I love my wife very much and would never do anything to hurt her. I think there is some guilt on my conscience over the feelings I have for my friend, and this is not something I can talk with my wife about. I fear she would be terribly hurt, and rightly so.

I tend to agree with you; on the other hand, the fact that you've developed these feelings may mean that there's some emotional aspect that you don't feel your wife is providing. It may be a subtle thing.

 

So, I guess mine is a two-part question. First, is it OK to remain friends with a married woman when you have these kinds of feelings for her, especially when I'm a married man? Second, does it make any sense to tell her, or should I just keep transmuting these feelings into an incredible friendship and hope for the best?

Here's what I've done, and what I suggest you do. Have a serious conversation with your friend and say something along the lines of, "Look, this is really embarassing, but I'm afraid that in the course of our friendship, I've started to develop feelings for you that are more than friendship. Perhaps you've noticed it. Anyway, I'm really worried that it could harm our friendship. I definitely don't want that to happen, and I definitely don't want to hurt my wife, whom I love very much. So I just thought that if I just put these feelings out in the clear light of day, it might help me out of this and help our friendship."

 

Two things about this tactic: (1) It's so dorky that it's a romance killer. Any feelings she might have actually had for you will probably go away. (2) As long as your feelings are inside of you, you won't be able to judge them rationally. Laying them on the table will help you get perspective, and will likely let the air out of your tires quickly.

 

Oh, one other thing: tell your wife about your friend. "Gee, I met this really nice person at work recently; she's so cool, I wish you could meet her sometime." Keeping relationships hidden from your wife changes the tenor of things -- much better to keep it out in the open.

 

Most of my really close friends are female, and I think that whenever a man and woman are friends, there's a sexual undercurrent. It might be very small, and usually wouldn't be a problem, but it's there, if for no other reason that sex and gender are about more than the act itself. Sex is the sea in which we mammals swim, it's the air we breathe. It helps me to acknowledge what's going on, at least to myself, when I have sexual thoughts about a friend. Because I know I'm not going to do anything about it, it doesn't make me anxious; I just let it pass through me.

 

Hope this helps, man. Good luck.

[crazy_grl]

Here's what I've done, and what I suggest you do. Have a serious conversation with your friend and say something along the lines of, "Look, this is really embarassing, but I'm afraid that in the course of our friendship, I've started to develop feelings for you that are more than friendship. Perhaps you've noticed it. Anyway, I'm really worried that it could harm our friendship. I definitely don't want that to happen, and I definitely don't want to hurt my wife, whom I love very much. So I just thought that if I just put these feelings out in the clear light of day, it might help me out of this and help our friendship."

 

That's exactly what I would have suggested, only Xed worded it better than I would have. Since it's already causing some awkwardness, you may want to change "it could harm our friendship" to "it may be harming our friendship".

[JCD]

You should quit having thoughts about your coworker. Don't worry what she does because it's about you and your marriage that matters. She is probably playing with you but unless she is divorced and away from her husband the two of you will not have a steady relationship. She most likely want some fling in the office but when tire hits the road she will be loyal to her husband. Work on your marriage and hopefully that will reduce feelings you have for your coworker. I would not say anything to her if you want your friendship. However I don't see the friendship you had with her to remain because now you have deeper feelings for her and that changes the whole friendship equation. I mean, you feel more butterflies and now you're getting emotional to her responses and that's not good. I went thru the same thing and it's been hell to be on prof. level with her but you got to get your logic above your feelings if you want to remain sane.