cc5421 Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 I need some input on a difficult situation: I own a business, and am currently working with a designing firm in which we do a lot of correspondence by email. There is another man who is also working with us as an independant consultant. I have considered us friends, as we've worked together on other projects for about 3 years, and occasionally go out for lunches whether we have to discuss business or not. Anyway, lately I'm feeling that I have to be very careful about how I word things to him as he seems to be very volitile. The situation that just happened: I was supposed to have been kept updated on a situation, and I hadn't heard from anyone in a while, so I sent both my friend and my contact at the firm the same email, asking if someone could keep me posted as I wanted to know what was going on. I tried to be very tactful, but I guess the way I worded it, my friend took it as an attack on him personally, and wrote me a nasty email saying that I had made him look incompetent. I answered back, apologized to him personally, and said I didn't mean it that way. I even went a step further, and sent both he and the other man a duplicate email, saying I sincerely apologized if anyone was offended by the way I worded the email, and that I didn't mean to insinuate that anyone was negligent. The other man answered my apology, and was very kind, saying no offence was taken, and many other things to that effect. My so-called friend, however, completely ignored both that email and the previous one I had sent him privately. I still stewed about it for a few days, and thought I would go even further to try to patch things up, so I called a local gift basket company, to send him a lovely basket to offer my apologies again (yes, I think I must be nuts). Well, guess what? The gift basket co. left a message for him that there was a gift for him, and he sent me an email saying he didn't want to accept it! I emailed him back, saying I was sorry about that, and that I'd only sent it to offer my apologies. He answered with: "No need. Next time think before you write. Have a good day." Well, that hurt me right to the core. I had to call the gift basket co. to cancel the basket, and broke down on the phone, as hard as I tried to be tough about it. We've still had to email one another to do business, and I'm really working at only answering in a respectful manner, with no outside chit chat, or showing any animosity, but I am so hurt and upset that he would do this to me. I can recall one other occasion, when I said something to him and he blew up at me, because he thought I was attacking his business ethics. (again, it was just the stupid way I worded something, I didn't mean anything by it at all) As long as we've known each other, I've always made it a point to voice to him how much I appreciate him and his efforts for anything he does, and that he is valuable to me, on numerous occasions. Am I just being too sensitive, or does it seem that he has some sort of problem? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 He is the one who seems to have the issue. You apologized to him....and even went out of your way to send a gift? Wow, that's above and beyond anything I've ever had a co worker do! His behavior is boorish and immature. I certainly wouldn't want to work with someone so thin-skinned and volatile Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 hmmm...funny you should ask as i have been thinking of my narcissistic xH today. and wording things are a direct trigger for bad behavior from Ns. how dare you imply this man is anything but great in his profession?? he is above criticism (real or imagined) from mere mortals...hadn't you realized? is there anyway you can sever this relationship without hurting your business? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cc5421 Posted March 10, 2006 Author Share Posted March 10, 2006 You know, not all that long ago I was looking up Narcissistic behavior, as I wondered about it myself. That is exactly the feeling I get from him. He's ok and we usually seem to have a great relationship. We can talk for hours about almost anything, but heaven forbid I slip up and he thinks I'm attacking his work abilities! The first time it happened, he had done something that I felt was unfair, and I told him so. He didn't seem to take it all that bad until he said that "everyone does it", and I replied with:"Yes, but that doesn't mean it's ethical business behavior." Well!! He just totally blew his lid, and it almost cost us our business relationship right then and there. Of course, because of circumstances I didn't want to blow the relationship, and I swallowed my pride and did a million apologies for offending him, and after a while he calmed down and apologized as well, and things have been ok between us --- Until the other day. I am presently locked into this business relationship, with not only him, but other parties, and there is no way I can get out of it without it harming my business opportunities or reputation. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 well then, get use to "walking on eggshells" around him! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cc5421 Posted March 10, 2006 Author Share Posted March 10, 2006 Yeah, I guess that I will have to continue doing so. What gets me, is that he can be such a generous and kind person when he wants to be, and I really thought we had a lot in common. It really hurt me when he refused my gift, it was like a slap in the face. I have to correspond with him, and I just can't bring myself to say anything more than to answer his specific questions. I haven't initiated any emails other than to cc him information that I've written to our other partners. I feel like someone I cared about just died. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 Whatever his issues are, you are doing the right thing. Keep it professional and stick only to business. No need to apologize further or to discuss it with anyone. You can respect the position without respecting the person. Don't take it personally and as soon as you can sever business ties with him, do so. If he is that qucik to jump on the defensive then maybe he does have something to be defensive about. As long as your work ethics and business practices are above-board you shouldn't need to worry. His name isn't Royce is it? I worked with a guy like you describe - his name is Royce. Thinks he is God's gift - period! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 i would ask if his name was steve...my xH's name...but of course not, this woman is too together to have dealings with the likes of him. but as far as N's go, fun, exciting, charming, worldly, generous, etc etc...yet they are highly explosive. and they project back onto you what they are seeing, sooooo it was really YOU who was all those great things!! at least this is how i look at it..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author cc5421 Posted March 10, 2006 Author Share Posted March 10, 2006 Wow! ", fun, exciting, charming, worldly, generous"!! That describes him perfectly!! He can charm the pants off people. So does "Explosive". Thank you for all your comments. I've never before worked with anyone like him, and I really needed to bounce this off someone, as it was starting to really affect me in a lot of ways. HokeyReligions, I've been doing just that. I've been keeping everything professional so he doesn't have an excuse to say I'm being unprofessional or unstable (he's used that word in the past on me, too). I was so tempted to blast him good (I can, you know ), but I knew that would only make matters worse. Thank you all so much for tearing this apart for me. When one is in a situation and has no one to talk to openly about it, it can be very confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 i'm glad you feel better now your best bet is when he attacks you personally (which, btw, is his way of telling you how he really feels about HIMSELF) is to remain calm. if you don't react, he will blow you off pretty quickly because you don't "feed" his addiction, so to speak. good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cc5421 Posted March 10, 2006 Author Share Posted March 10, 2006 Thanks so much! One thing I forgot to mention, is that when I cancelled the basket, I felt so bad about the rejection, that I needed to cheer myself up, so I sent a floral arrangement to the company that we are doing business with, thanking them for all their hard work. I had to put my friend's name on the card as well, because it would've looked bad if I hadn't, as he is very involved in the process. I got a very warm email message from the boss in behalf of the team, thanking me for the arrangement. So then what do I find out, later, but that my friend had to go over to their office the next day!! Would I have loved to be a fly on the wall when he walked in and saw the arrangement! Link to post Share on other sites
hyjacked Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 The point of narcisstic behavior was mentioned. If that is truly the case is there really anymore to be done or talked about to deal with the person on a logical or reasonable basis since they don't operate that way when they're in that mind set? Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 I'm an independant consultant and here is how I look at the situation. He is under your employment and YOU are his client. If I had the same situation at hand, I would have had a chat with you about the email situation and gotten on with my work. I would never expect a client to buy me gifts, offer me a public apology, etc. I think that is utter bull crap. I think this person has forgotten his place. You are not his friend, but you are his client. I think he needs to be reminded of this FACT. Link to post Share on other sites
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