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Follow up: Is My Boss Wanting Something More?


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It's 2 months later and I still need some advice. I'm really not sure why I care but I do. I am still trying to figure out what's going on with my boss. Every morning he goes out of his way to come to my office and say hello and he does this with no one else. A couple of days ago he came in and asked if me or my employee wanted a hug. He said "we need to start hugging more often around here". I've never hugged him. Then he called me later and said that he wanted to reward me by taking me to lunch for the good numbers that I brought in that month, which I always do but when he used to ask me I always came up w/an excuse. He never goes to lunch w/anyone. I e-mailed him about defending me about a situation and his response was that he would stick up for me for the anyone(what a compliment)! I didn't wear my wedding ring for a week or so w/no intention of anything so now he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring for the last 2 weeks but when he has meetings he wears it. Is he not getting enough attention from his wife? Is this just all ironic? I appreciate your advice.

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Your thoughts and actions are being to tread on thin ice.

 

Get yourself back in a professional position and hold him at bay. He's testing how much he can get out of you. If you fall for his lame comments and actions, he will push for more.

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Just curious but why did you not wear your wedding ring for awhile? Sounds like you're playing with fire. This could be a disaster waiting to happen.

 

You state that you aren't sure why you care but you do. You shouldn't care but a part of you is curious to explore this further and that's where the danger lies. This is the beginning of an emotional affair which if you're not careful may lead to a physical one. Do you think about him outside of the office? There's your answer.

 

Stop sending mixed signals. Keep your ring on your finger. The fact that you noticed that he didn't wear his for a time tells me you're a little more invested in this little game than you should be.

 

Be careful!

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All of this has me asking ?'s because I confide in my brother and he has said that he is interested in me...

I'm not worried about anything on my end. I love my husband and I would never jepardize our marriage or hurt anyone that is involved in our lives. I am curious if my boss has intentions. I just don't know what to think when I've been invited to lunch and by the comments and actions that he has made. I rarely go to him or to his office and he has a door is always open policy. I do almost everthing by e-mail. He always comes to me. He has never said anything directly to me about furthering our professional relationship. Maybe it is truly innocent on his part and just wants to show his appreciation. I'm not looking to explore or I would've gone to lunch with him in the past.

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I agree Sami. And if the OP really wasn't looking to explore it as she claims, she wouldn't be on here discussing it, thinking about it, talking to her brother about it, etc.

 

You can choose to ignore all of it you know. And you should. You never did answer the questions about the rings. You're playing a dangerous game with him.

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Now we all know the answer. Yes, he has other intentions. In simple English, this man wants to sleep with you. What's next? It all depends on you and your reactions.

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You guys, I'm confused...I'm really not looking to explore. I really believe that. I am asking for some help because of the way he acts towards me. Is there anyway he just simply admires my hard work and dedication? Maybe he doesn't know how to talk to me in a normal sense. The ring thing: I don't care to wear jewelry. If my husband doesn't mind then that shows our true relationship. I really appreciate your advice. Thank you

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Sure, you must be confused. That's part of the play. You will continue to feel so as long as the issue lasts in your head.

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No, Sami. I could be wrong but I think OP is saying that she's confused by the answers given here.

 

And LB asked a very good question. What WOULD change for you if you knew what your bosse's intentions truly are? Would that change anything for you? Would you act differently than you do now? Would you leave your job? What would change?

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I was confused on the answers because I know where I stand. I think that the only way to find out is to have lunch with him. If he did further the conversation beyond a professional outlook I would definitely tell him this can not be. I would be understanding but tell him that we are both here because we need jobs. We all meet people that we find attractive but it needs to be just that. I just think to many people are to quick to jump that one might want sex and people are a lot deeper than that.

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A lunch may be a nice idea to test waters. Please tell us of the outcome. I'm really interested in kowing more about this "deeper" thing. Good luck.

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Content, why, why, why? Why do you have to "find out?" I think you already know the answer and you're in denial. Why play with fire? You said you've avoided lunches with him and now you're wanting to have lunch with him? Why? It doesn't make sense. I'm not jumping to any conclusions about you wanting sex with him. But I think you are enjoying the flirtation that's going on. And I don't think it's all on HIS part either.

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Some people like to sail and go "deeper" than sex can take them. I just simply don't understand what's that deeper than sex between any man and a woman??!!!!.

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I just want some closure. This has been going on for over a year. I don't know what else to do. I really don't want anything further from him. Like I've been saying I don't know what he wants and if all of you are right then why hasn't he said something that's black and white? thanks

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Just wait. You'll hear over the lunch. Bosses are cautious enough to connect through body language rather than verbally. If that's all you want to hear from him just hint it and you will get it. More than a year is good enough for him to speak up. He might be a chicken too.

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He hasn't said anything because he's your boss and can be sued for sexual harrasment. Besides, you're married and so is he. So he's being sneaky about it. He wants you to pick up his cues and act on it yourself. Why do you need closure? If you can't just ignore it, you may find that this will get very awkward and you might end up having to get another job.

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I was confused on the answers because I know where I stand. I think that the only way to find out is to have lunch with him. If he did further the conversation beyond a professional outlook I would definitely tell him this can not be. I would be understanding but tell him that we are both here because we need jobs. We all meet people that we find attractive but it needs to be just that. I just think to many people are to quick to jump that one might want sex and people are a lot deeper than that.

 

I would have to say, do not have a lunch with him.

 

Under state and federal laws, 1) you should say you are uncomfortable with the situation. 2) File a complaint with Human Resources

 

Regardless of the size of the company and industry you are in; this will cause a trigger of zero-tolerance and legal steps. He might get transfered (which is somewhat illegal) or get dismissed.

 

Even if nothing is found, a paper trail has to be created. If your boss is still your boss and you leave 1 month, 3 months, 2 years, 3 years later; because he made your job intolerable, pigeon holed you, degraded you, kept you down, etc... You can still file a sexual discrimination suit AGAINST the COMPANY for hostile environment and maybe even quid pro quo. Even after you leave the company

 

Personally put the ring back on and do not goto lunch. IF something arose, both of you are out of a job and one of you will be filing for divorce. Don't talk about being attracted, don't mention any mutual interests. It would bring up implied consent.

 

The first step is file a complaint with HR and tell your boss that his advances are not desired. If he pursues, file a hostile environment suit against your employer.

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Sami, I think you hit the nail on the head here. She's really enjoying this. Why is this reminding me of that girl with her dentist? It's a train wreck waiting to happen. You CAN stop this. Just ignore it. You're obsessing and it will only lead to trouble in my opinion.

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I'm sorry to say that we sometimes make big deals out of nothing. Why, for God's sake, a poor guy who's attracted a nice looking female who's enjoying the attention get sued over that???. Isn't that nonesense???? Just curious.

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I don't want to risk anything so I'll not go to lunch. I know the rejection really bothers him because he doesn't go out of his way and talk to me for a while or then he verbally jabs at me. It's hard you guys. I put a 100% into my position and I would be devistated if anything negative came out of this.

thanks for your time and support

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Not going out with him is not the end of the road. It will only pen the gates wider. Now you've a real issue to talk about. Why you are not going??? You really need to come up with a nice answer. Better to have one.

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