Timid reputation and trust issues

[Altaira]

I have two issues:

 

1) I'm shy and have had problems in previous jobs over people thinking I was too quiet, and quit my former job because of bullying.

 

My current job is the best I've had so far, and I feel well liked. However, during a long conversation with a coworker/friend I go out to movies and lunch with, revealed to me the negative comments about me when I first started working, which was a year ago. Something to the effect of "she's so timid, do you really think she'll last?". I think I know who said this about me, it's the someone my friend is good friends with (they've known each other longer) and who pointed out in an unfriendly, judgemental manner that I seemed petrified, scared of staff when I started work.

 

Now I feel bitter and angry at how I was judged and tired of people dumping their negativity on me and not responding (same pattern existed in growing up, my mom verbally abused me big time with constant putdowns and screaming and threatening, which made me afraid of conflict and dominant people, esp. women).

 

I'm also annoyed at how my friend does not believe me when I say I feel that a supervisor doesn't like me (this was one reason I felt scared when I began work). She gave me hostile, cold stares, would turn her head away quickly when I said "hi" and would have a cold, abrupt voice on the phone with me. My friend discounts my descriptions and offers alternative explanations to this person's behavior.

 

2) This same friend is one who I've really enjoyed being with on outings and enjoy talking with her, etc. but lately there have been trust issues like when I started having a boyfriend. She has had one note negative comments about whether he really likes me, and says odd things like, ask me for his address "in case he turns out to be dangerous", etc. I can't tell if she's just (admittedly) has trust issues with men or if she's jealous about my having a bf or even this one in particular). She hasn't had a bf in years and claims she doesn't want one but then at a different time inconsistently will say she wants (a certain handsome man) for herself.

Also, she is restrained when complimenting me on my appearance but raves about herself (when she was a little girl) and others who she's not even friends with, and she raves about "blonde and blue eyed's" which she is, I'm dark haired and eyed. She has referred to be as beautiful once and said that people think I'm as pretty as so and so (really pretty girls at work) but overall, she is restrained and reluctant to really compliment me.

 

What should I do to prevent earning a "timid" rep in future jobs, and what should I do now to undo or lessen the rep? I did confront one coworker once when she disrespected me so hopefully it got around about how I can be assertive.

 

And should I not take my coworker's inconsistent compliments and negative feedback about my boyfriend (who she thinks is "hot" her wording) as untrustworthiness or am I reading too much into things?

[Altaira]

I'd like to add that

 

another, very sweet, worker was talked about too for being too quiet, but my friend says that her shyness is less pronounced than mine.

 

The woman with the negative comments isn't well liked.

 

There have been conflicts and tension in the mostly female staff that don't involve me.

[lindya]

I really don't like the sound of this "friend", Altaira. It sounds as if she's one of these people who gets her energy and confidence through draining other people's. From my experience, people like that gravitate to quiet, gentle individuals because they perceive them as being easy to control and dominate.

 

Passing on other people's negative judgements to you serves little purpose other than to make you paranoid. Were she genuinely concerned that you're not handling yourself confidently in the workplace, she would surely focus on finding ways of helping you to build up your confidence - rather than spending her time shattering what little amount you might have.

 

Of course, it could all be totally unconscious on her part. These things often are, I think. It becomes so ingrained in a person to do other people down that they barely realise they're doing it. If you confront them, they get angry - accuse you of being paranoid, oversensitive etc.

 

To improve this friendship and make it a healthier one would require as much effort on your friend's part to acknowledge and address her own destructive behaviour as it would require you to build up your confidence and feel more sure of yourself in your dealings with her.

 

How much effort and energy might that take? Possibly a good deal more than you should be investing if you're already encountering problems in the workplace - so it might be an idea to start distancing yourself from her. You're not a child anymore, and you're not reliant on this woman in the way that you were reliant on your mother. There really is no reason for you to put up with her crap. Ultimately, there are other jobs out there - and if things were to get really intolerable, you have the power to leave and start afresh elsewhere.

 

I think when people have been stifled and overly controlled as children, it can be difficult for them to "grow into" their adult skins. To realise that they truly are free and independent - and don't need to feel locked into relationships with negative individuals.

 

You've identified a presenting problem here....this woman and other colleagues. The underlying problem seems to involve you still feeling trapped in an abusive childhood despite now being an adult. Have you any ideas as to how you might start planning your escape from that trap?

[Altaira]

Lindya, thanks so much for your supportive and elaborate message.

 

About this friend, I'm confused about whether she really means any harm because I've had a pretty great relationship with her for the past year and it's only lately, when I started having a boyfriend that the ambivalent feelings about her have started.

 

It took her a year to reveal the negative comments about me, and she only brought them up when I said that I sensed hostility when I began work, and maybe she is just confirming those suspiciouns. I recall, however, that when I first started work I asked her if she thought I seemed shy and she said not, just intimidated because I'd just started out but now her answers are different and I'm annoyed that she's saying "everyone" t hought I was shy, when in reality only three people made a comment to that effect.

 

She is friends with the coworker who was mean to me at first, but she is now nice to me.

 

What I feel ambivalent about is:

1 the pattern of negative feedback about my boyfriend's feelings towards me

2 t way she is over the top complimentary of her looks when younger, and others who are blonde and blue eyed, she even said "if someone blond and blue eyed walked in and was cheerful people would be jealous", she said this as an example for people being jealous because I talked about people not liking me. I have dark hair, dark eyes. And restrained when compliment my looks.

3 I question her bringing up the negative comments about my shyness after all this time. It's having negative effect on me, plus she did not need to say "everyone" thought, when how could she know what "everyone" was thinking?

 

And when she found out the other staff I had in mind who I sensed didn't like me, my friend discounted it and started raving about this person's looks (I'm thinking what the heck does looks have to do with it).

 

I just have a suspicion that she is more competitive with me after I got a boyfriend, and she wasn't like tht before, she was so supportive before.

She still is supportive but it's mixed in with other murky, subtly negative things and it's confusing me about her.

 

I know that I need to get over past trauma and am working on it, I have made some progress but have a further to go. I'm trying self hypnosis for one thing and another is being choosy about friends. Someone mentioned to me that I need to focus on "the big picture" which is getting ahead in my own life, but it's important to resolve the trust issues that I have.

 

Thanks so much, Lindya.

[brashgal]

Why do you feel you need compliments from her? You like you, your boyfriend likes you - what more do you need? Especially when you are at work - I'd rather have people notice how well I managed a project or how efficiently I get my work done, how helpful I am - something work-related. Your appearance (other than making sure you are presentable and professional) is immaterial at work.

 

Sounds like she brings up the blond-haired, blue-eyed subject because she knows it bothers you. Don't let it. Change the subject.

 

Same goes for bringing up your boyfriend in conversation. Save that for talking to your real friends. I don't think this woman is one of them.

 

You can't change what happened a year ago. You can only move forward. Be assertive when needed, you'll be fine.

[SmoochieFace]

I don't give a damn what anyone at work thinks of me personally... it's a job - not a social country club. I go there to do my job only. I do not participate in the petty office BS. Those that do can count me out or take it to Oprah or Dr. Phil for all I care.

 

f*** what those a**h***s think of my wardrobe or my eating habits.

[lindya]

I know that I need to get over past trauma and am working on it, I have made some progress but have a further to go. I'm trying self hypnosis for one thing and another is being choosy about friends. Someone mentioned to me that I need to focus on "the big picture" which is getting ahead in my own life, but it's important to resolve the trust issues that I have.

 

Thanks so much, Lindya.

 

You're welcome I think it's really difficult when you have ambivalent feelings like that, and just aren't sure whether someone's "for" you or "against" you. I suppose that people are just generally ambivalent creatures - but obviously there are aspects of her personality that are striking certain nerves for you.

 

I've had friends like that who are very domineering and tend to have gravitated towards me because - well, to be honest, because they can't get along with other people who share their somewhat bullish approach to life. It's draining to spend too much time around those people. I've got one friend in particular who recently complained to me that she keeps "losing" friends recently. Needless to say, it's everyone's fault except hers...

 

I asked her what had caused her most recent fall out, and she advised me of an incident where she had "given it straight" to one of her friends. Her idea of giving it straight was my idea of blunt insensitivity which was almost bound to lead to an argument. When I told her this, she fell out with me

 

The point is that people like that are draining, and you have to consider just how much of their crap you want to spend your time listening to. If you're a sensitive sort of person, then really you need to have a lot of people like that who you can relate to in your social circle. Spending too much time with overpowering people can easily result in you feeling as if you're "all wrong" or "too timid".

 

Right now, you're taking steps to address issues in your past and look within yourself for thoughts and behaviours that might be destructive to you. That takes a lot of courage. It sounds as if your friend could do with being a little more introspective herself. Take her advice and judgements about you with a very hefty pinch of salt!

[Altaira]

Thanks to everyone for their feedback.

 

Lindya, the ironic and disappointing thing about my friend is that she WAS sensitive, introspective, and supportive or still is but is less more so lately. I suspect that while I didn't have a bf she felt she had more in common with me and we were in the same boat, etc but after I got one, she's been giving off competitive vibes and mixed signals.

[Altaira]

brashgal and smoochieface, thanks so much for your feedback.

 

brashgal, I agree my friendship with this woman is starting to be questionable, which is sad. Friendships are hard for me to come by and I hate losing out on once good friendships. In the book TOXIC PEOPLE by Lillian Glass, she writes how a once good relationship can change toxic if one party starts to act competitively.

[Rackity]

I also had a reputation at work at being timid and shy at first, and i also heard that people said almost that exact phrase "she's so timid, do you really think she'll last" ..but I think it was more a social thing like "Do you think she's too shy" I think they just didn't think I'd fit into this loud group. I think now that I am pretty much comfortable there, people realize that I am not that timid...

 

One good way to show this is be non-timid with people you are comfortable with. I don't know about you, but I feel that there are just some people that are very easy to be comfortable with (where as I am shy in front of others). Be loud with those people. I am not sure what you are trying to accomplish though - just showing that you can be sociable or is it for professional reasons, or just that you don't want to people to think they can walk all over you?

 

I also had a verbally and emotionally abusive mother, so I can definitely relate! I have a lot of trouble with talking to higher ups as well. You just need to remember that at the end of the day, they're real people. And that has really helped me.

 

As for your friend, I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head... you need to recognize that she is obviously insecure about herself, and let her have her fill. Maybe tell her she's pretty, to help her with her self esteem. Once she's got that in order it might be easier for her to accept yoou having a bf and be the good friend she was.

[Altaira]

Rackity, thank you for you sharing your experience, it makes me feel so much better knowing others have had similar experiences.

 

The shy label, I guess, is something that has been used against me to imply I can be walked over, it's been both a social and professional concern, but for this situation, more professional . . I d idn't want to be considered incompetent.

 

I did compliment my coworker friend telling her she's beautiful, and things have gotten back to the former friendly level.