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Feeling excluded


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Old 30th January 2018, 12:40 PM   #1
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Feeling excluded

I work with a group of 13 people. I’ve been here 6 years. We all work together daily, and I get along well with everyone. I have not had any personal issues with anyone in the group. There have been a few non-work related to events that I’ve attended, including one at my house for a Halloween party I had with my friends (all my coworkers were invited but some could not make it). Shortly after that, a coworker had a NYE party and invited all but 3 people in our group. The 3 left out included our boss who we were not happy with at the time and the two people who kinda sided with her. They have no idea the party took place (It was not my decision or opinion to leave them out). I couldn’t make the party because I was out of town. Three others also couldn’t make it.

Anyway, it seems that the group who was there really bonded that night and evidently planned some camping adventure trips which they talked about at the office for a good hour this morning. There was no inclusion of those who weren’t there. The only ones present in the office who were not at that party were 3 of us. One of those 3 was privately invited by her best friend in the group. The other didn’t seem to care. I don’t even like camping but feel super hurt and left out. It really bothers me to not be included in this, and I don't know how to handle this feeling.
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Old 30th January 2018, 1:28 PM   #2
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Work is work... Friends are friends to the end. Co-workers are not really long term friends.

I've tried to be friends with co-workers (in the past) and it always seems to bite me in the butt.

When you leave that job, you won't stay in touch with them. How many co-workers from past jobs do you communicate with??

I only have one individual that e-mails me (from an old job 10 years ago) to use me as a reference, but we are not close friends, just acquaintances.

I wouldn't let this worry you too much, it will pass.
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Old 30th January 2018, 1:34 PM   #3
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I agree with happy lemming
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Old 30th January 2018, 1:37 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Happy Lemming View Post
Work is work... Friends are friends to the end. Co-workers are not really long term friends.

I've tried to be friends with co-workers (in the past) and it always seems to bite me in the butt.

When you leave that job, you won't stay in touch with them. How many co-workers from past jobs do you communicate with??

I only have one individual that e-mails me (from an old job 10 years ago) to use me as a reference, but we are not close friends, just acquaintances.

I wouldn't let this worry you too much, it will pass.
Thank you for your reply.

I can see that this group of 5 or 6 is becoming very close outside of work now.

I actually formed friendships and still keep in touch with several coworkers/friends from my last workplace. It would be nice to have that here as well.
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Old 30th January 2018, 1:49 PM   #5
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I can see that this group of 5 or 6 is becoming very close outside of work now.

I actually formed friendships and still keep in touch with several coworkers/friends from my last workplace. It would be nice to have that here as well.
"True friends" would have invited/included you in the camping trip. I can only assume that they didn't care enough to invite/include you, thus you are not "true friends" with these individuals.

Move on, do your job, collect your paycheck, build up your experience for your resume' and eventually move on to bigger and better opportunities in your field. Work is not "play time", no need to have "true friends" there, be courteous & professional, and just complete each assigned task to the best of your ability.
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Old 30th January 2018, 1:51 PM   #6
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You are right that they have created a bond and are now closer friends. They are allowed to do that and spend time together. I'm sorry you're hurt but I'm sure they aren't trying to hurt you.
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Old 30th January 2018, 1:56 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Happy Lemming View Post
"True friends" would have invited/included you in the camping trip. I can only assume that they didn't care enough to invite/include you, thus you are not "true friends" with these individuals.

Move on, do your job, collect your paycheck, build up your experience for your resume' and eventually move on to bigger and better opportunities in your field. Work is not "play time", no need to have "true friends" there, be courteous & professional, and just complete each assigned task to the best of your ability.
I realize they aren't "true friends"...that is what is hurtful.

Thank you for your words of encouragement though!
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Old 30th January 2018, 1:57 PM   #8
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You are right that they have created a bond and are now closer friends. They are allowed to do that and spend time together. I'm sorry you're hurt but I'm sure they aren't trying to hurt you.
They are nice people and I know they are not trying to hurt me.
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Old 30th January 2018, 2:12 PM   #9
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Do any of them know you don't like camping? I hate it & every one of my friends knows it. They call go camping every Memorial Day & have done so for about 25 years. I haven't been invited for years. To them it's a waste of breath to ask; they know I won't go. Last year DH & I found ourselves with nothing to do for Memorial Day so I actually reached out & invited myself along. Everyone was shocked I showed up. I hated it & will never go back, a fact I announced during the weekend.




So if you actually want to go camping, invite yourself along. If you really hate camping, be happy you weren't invited but stop thinking that one activity is an overall referendum on your entire relationship with these people. If you won't go even if they ask, don't even bring it up because you will look silly.
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Old 30th January 2018, 2:19 PM   #10
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I hated it & will never go back, a fact I announced during the weekend.

OMG... I laughed so hard at this... I purchased a new tent as my old one wore out and I tried to take my girlfriend camping.

I've never heard so much complaining, b*tching and moaning, the whole time. She made her dissatisfaction perfectly clear. I learned my lesson, I'll never take her camping with me again, I'll go alone!!
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Old 30th January 2018, 2:20 PM   #11
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Do any of them know you don't like camping? I hate it & every one of my friends knows it. They call go camping every Memorial Day & have done so for about 25 years. I haven't been invited for years. To them it's a waste of breath to ask; they know I won't go. Last year DH & I found ourselves with nothing to do for Memorial Day so I actually reached out & invited myself along. Everyone was shocked I showed up. I hated it & will never go back, a fact I announced during the weekend.




So if you actually want to go camping, invite yourself along. If you really hate camping, be happy you weren't invited but stop thinking that one activity is an overall referendum on your entire relationship with these people. If you won't go even if they ask, don't even bring it up because you will look silly.
I'm pretty sure I've never mentioned my dislike for camping. I think this was just brought up during the night of the party and those who were there chimed in that they would love to go and let's plan it. So, they have been talking about it since then. I don't think anyone even thought, "Hey, let's invite others." (except the girl who is best friends with one of them).

I really don't want to go camping. I just wanted to be included or asked. I also feel like I'm missing out by not being in that group.

And, yes, I realize that they have every right to plan things without me. I have no anger towards them. It's just that feeling of rejection (even if it wasn't outright rejecting me).

Last edited by hippychick3; 30th January 2018 at 2:22 PM..
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Old 30th January 2018, 2:48 PM   #12
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Try to work through it. You seem to recognize that you would be welcome if you expressed a desire to go
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Old 30th January 2018, 4:32 PM   #13
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Have you ever actually been camping properly?
It's great fun!
Why not ask to join the trip?

If you really don't want to then you need to accept these folk miss out people for 'reasons' so the close knit will get closer and those who aren't in it will be last picked in gym class.

But you don't sound like you want to go camping so - let them go have their trip...
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Old 1st February 2018, 2:53 AM   #14
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They are nice people and I know they are not trying to hurt me.
You're right, I think. They don't seem to be trying to hurt you. They don't even really seem to be consciously trying to exclude you. If they intentionally didn't invite you, they wouldn't be talking about it right in front of you. They'd be trying to hide it. I think it was just an oversight that you weren't invited.

If you actually wanted to go camping, I would suggest that you politely, casually ask if you can invite yourself. But since you don't care about camping, why don't you invite the group to do something after the trip? Invite them for pizza or a drink or something. Maybe something at your house.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 4:43 AM   #15
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It happened to me at work a few times and I also felt hurt. Then I decided not to take it personally and just asked them to join in next time they were talking about something fun. From then on, they invited me regularly.
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