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I am Resigning my Job because I'm secretly in love with my boss.


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Old 22nd July 2017, 2:07 PM   #1
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I am Resigning my Job because I'm secretly in love with my boss.

I have made a decision that took me lots of will. I worked for the same employer for two years, and things were going pretty well. It was very close to home, and everything was settled. I was paid a high salary and felt comfortable.

This year, I had a new boss. I didn't think much about him at first. He was just an attractive person, but that wasn't much of a big deal to me at all.

He then began working with our team more than other leaders had in the past. Being the workaholic and overachiever I am, I worked restlessly to prove myself. Not before long I fell for him. I could carry a conversation about anything for hours. He had everything I secretly wanted in a man. He was tall, white, mature and handsome. His interests correlated with mine which hardly ever occurred before. I had this immense passion and connection, and I couldn't help myself. At times during meetings, we would stare at each other from across the room and let the time go by.

Never did he ever make an initiative towards me. The moment I "misinterpreted" his intentions he would steer me back in a heart break making me feel guilty and embarrassed. He would do unique things that would then regress the feelings making me feel confused and crazy.

Endless reasons for why it didn't happen. I was in my early 20s; he was in his 30s. He was married, and so was I. He had a child, and I had 2. I don't know if he was in love, but I knew I wasn't. I was in a marriage to keep my children stable and only married due to pregnancy.

I became depressed and irritated with my life. I had my "dream" walking before me every day with no opportunity to go after it. If I'd go days without communication, I'd decide to let go, and then he would come back for a 2-hour conversation making fall endlessly.

I knew the reality eventually. I would catch him flirting with other women many times. I didn't know if it was to make me angry, but I could finally grasp reality.

Our fantasies hinder our reality. I know at least for me this is true. I was angry at him, but I was okay. I knew the type of man he was and how it was never worth my thoughts. Still, my heart break prevailed.

During vacation, I eventually went from always thinking of him to hardly remember. I then received a job offer from a great place. I didn't pay mind until the night before I remembered the pain I had gone through in the past.

I went to the interviewed and aced it. I decided I would enter a healthy place for my children and my husband. None of them deserved it. Honestly, though, I can't help it. It is who I am. I can hide it so well. I have the need for addictive relationships and strive for intensity.

I accepted and as soon as he found out he called. Again, the conversation extended as I made up excuses for the main reason I was leaving. I think about it but I know I made a smart choice.

Excuse my long rambling story, but I needed to share my feelings. I'm sad again but I know I made the right choice. I regret that I allowed myself to be manipulated emotionally as so. I know my true value and look forward to self-improvement.
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Old 22nd July 2017, 2:14 PM   #2
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You did the right thing about accepting the new job. Do yourself another favor and block him from ever contacting you. Now that you no longer work there he may try to have sex with you. Don't depend on yourself to be strong just block him so you won't be tempted. Good luck on your new life.
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Old 22nd July 2017, 2:54 PM   #3
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You did the right thing. I'm sure he was tempted because he's a man, but like you say he was flirting with others also. And of course you're both married so neither of you should be doing that. If you're miserable in your marriage then divorce but don't sneak around and cheat. I think you'll have more peace now. Good luck
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Old 23rd July 2017, 2:40 AM   #4
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To the OP: That was very brave of you on your part.

I know it hurts but you did the right thing. You are stronger than most and for that you should be proud of yourself.
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Old 27th July 2017, 1:53 AM   #5
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Well, since you already made that decision, it seems, there is no point in providing the opposing viewpoint.

Best of luck with your new job.

I do, however, wanted to point out the fact that you did point out that you regularly go through 'addictive relationships'.

This is something that needs to be addressed, and unless this 'problem' is solved, you may find yourself in similar situations, if not now, then sometime in the future.

In order to diagnose this issue, we need to delve a little deeper into your present relationship and what it is that you seek outside of your marriage in order to find a solution that will deem you very very happy in your relationship(s) in your life.

If you would like to do so, please explain yourself further.

Also, there are signs of psychosis in your OP mentioning that when your boss is flirting with other girls, that he is doing it intentionally to make you angry.

This is highly unlikely and is a product of your imagination.

This is in no way to be rude or personal, it happens to the best of us... Things that other people do, if we do not like, might make us angry. It has nothing to do with us.

What we can do, however, in order to heal, is to change the way we react to how other people act, and learn to be more accepting.

Even better, is to react in such a way that is beneficial to us.

So, millenial.k.latina, please shed more light into your story so I can help you further.

Best,
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Old 27th July 2017, 12:02 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
You did the right thing about accepting the new job. Do yourself another favor and block him from ever contacting you. Now that you no longer work there he may try to have sex with you. Don't depend on yourself to be strong just block him so you won't be tempted. Good luck on your new life.
I have not done that yet, I know I definetely should. I am almost 99% sure he will never attempt to have sex with me. There were numerous times we were alone and he never attempted it. I know it is a difference when HR isn't an issue but he always stated he saw me as a mentee.
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Old 27th July 2017, 12:04 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
You did the right thing. I'm sure he was tempted because he's a man, but like you say he was flirting with others also. And of course you're both married so neither of you should be doing that. If you're miserable in your marriage then divorce but don't sneak around and cheat. I think you'll have more peace now. Good luck
I have attempted sepearation for a few weeks already and I did not like it. My children were unhappy and did not have the same benefits with my husband being home. I had lots of backlash from our family and friends and all odds are truly against me. Now that I restrict myself to my marriage, I am happier being as a family. It is hard but I am working slowly. I love my kids a lot and I do not want to hinder their emotional health like mines was a child.
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Old 27th July 2017, 12:06 PM   #8
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To the OP: That was very brave of you on your part.

I know it hurts but you did the right thing. You are stronger than most and for that you should be proud of yourself.
I know. I have been in the cycle so long that I thought I would never be strong to walk out. I hated what that environment did to my mental health and I am happier now. I have to cut any way of seeing him or hearing about him for it to work. I am getting there.
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Old 27th July 2017, 12:22 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by LuiL.C. View Post
Well, since you already made that decision, it seems, there is no point in providing the opposing viewpoint.

Best of luck with your new job.

I do, however, wanted to point out the fact that you did point out that you regularly go through 'addictive relationships'.

This is something that needs to be addressed, and unless this 'problem' is solved, you may find yourself in similar situations, if not now, then sometime in the future.

In order to diagnose this issue, we need to delve a little deeper into your present relationship and what it is that you seek outside of your marriage in order to find a solution that will deem you very very happy in your relationship(s) in your life.

If you would like to do so, please explain yourself further.

Also, there are signs of psychosis in your OP mentioning that when your boss is flirting with other girls, that he is doing it intentionally to make you angry.

This is highly unlikely and is a product of your imagination.

This is in no way to be rude or personal, it happens to the best of us... Things that other people do, if we do not like, might make us angry. It has nothing to do with us.

What we can do, however, in order to heal, is to change the way we react to how other people act, and learn to be more accepting.

Even better, is to react in such a way that is beneficial to us.

So, millenial.k.latina, please shed more light into your story so I can help you further.

Best,
I appreciate how you took the time to analyze my thoughts and emotions. I will disclose that as growing up, I had a very difficult childhood.

My father was overly strict and demanding of me as a child. I was always working and studying. I liked doing these things but I wanted to also be a kid. I was not allowed to show my sexuality as a teenager one bit. Now please do not overstate what I am saying. For example, it was rare for me to paint my finger nails or have guy friends.

When I needed emotional guidance, my father was never there for me. He was very cold distant and unavailable. He worked extremly hard to provide me with a succesful future and steered me there.

I had a lack of social skills and unawarness of my inattentive ADHD. I worked tirelessly and lost many items. My family worked hard to keep my things together and help me when I would get locked out of the car or forget time commitments.

When I met my husband I was young and started having intercourse early. By age 20 I had my first child then my second because of a flawed IUD that was later removed. Throughout my marriage, I have had crushes for men I develop connections with emotionally. My husband is a wonderful being but lacks any interest for deep topics and learning interest. I am left bored even when he is there for me. I work really hard to manage this. I get irritated if I am not excited or striving for a purpose. I can get very excited about work projects, financial goals, or strategizing for my children's future. Other than that if I stop doing excessive tasks I become bored and get interested in other men.

I have cheated on husband once officially but I didn't feel any regret because I did not like the man or the sex. I believe this makes me a terrible person because I cannot give up these things for my family. I wake up on occasions wondering how I am 23 and have a life commitment to one man when I didn't even enter the dating world.

When I said he was flirting with other women, I did not completely make it up unintentionally. Woman would flock to him and he would allow it by sustaining friendships which is very important I understand. I would catch him sustaining intense conversations with a couple of woman by surprise of me walking in for a random thing. These were things I couldn't make up and my woman coworkers would tell me many stories of funny things they talked about or interesting things that occurred when he was there. The entire staff make up idolized him because he was attractive and it was very irritating. During a conversation, I disclosed this, not as a sign of jealousy but just to clarify some rumors at the time. He then asked me if I believed he was narcissistic and I said yes .He was a textbook version of it. I believe it is because I am too and we have discovered some time ago that we think the same and have similar habits. Even though we are very different, we have similar fears and similar tendencies.
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Old 15th August 2017, 5:27 PM   #10
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I know. I have been in the cycle so long that I thought I would never be strong to walk out. I hated what that environment did to my mental health and I am happier now. I have to cut any way of seeing him or hearing about him for it to work. I am getting there.
Have you blocked him on social media and your phone?
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Old 15th September 2017, 6:54 PM   #11
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I can't believe I'm going through a similar situation!

I'm a man and she is my boss. We're both married, but I'm completely infatuated with her, I believe I have not met a woman so beautiful in so many years... She's also so sweet and has an wonderful personality.

And I'm resigning in part because I cannot stand being near her so much while being just friends. It's so bad I find myself daydreaming about her all the time.

I'm also moving to another country, so I'll probably never see her again. But we write each other some times... I don't know if I should also cut all contact to be able to forget her.
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Old 16th September 2017, 1:16 PM   #12
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So you just go home and go through the "marriage motions" with your husband while directing 99% of your mental and emotional energy towards your (ex) boss? Wow. You would be in his bed in 2 seconds flat if he just clicked his fingers.

You were obviously never in love with your husband but like the security and social acceptance of marriage and family. I just find it so depressing that people get (and stay) married to people they are not in love with.

As for leaving your job, there will always be the next boss or colleague. The root of the problem is not your boss, it's your own dissatisfaction with your marriage and life.
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Last edited by Eternal Sunshine; 16th September 2017 at 1:18 PM..
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Old 17th September 2017, 9:30 PM   #13
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I just find it so depressing that people get (and stay) married to people they are not in love with.
It IS depressing, it's an empty life and it sucks
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Old 11th December 2017, 2:01 AM   #14
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I have decided to end my marriage but I am currently not able to carry my own financially and emotionally. I need help with two toddlers, a full time job, and graduate school. My husband is a wonderful person who deserves a woman like himself. I am simply waiting for an appropriate exit. I want to add my culture has a terrible stigma against this. I am aware my family will not support me.
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Old 11th December 2017, 2:07 AM   #15
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Ouch. It's not like I can choose my emotions. I am want to include that I had a very abusive childhood. My father would beat my mother and would discipline me through neglect and social exclusion. I met my husband at 15 and had my first child by age 20. I wasn't understanding my feelings and I became pregnant without even noticing. I can connect the dots because I have a cognitive dissability many of us are famiiliar with. I married him because I thought it would enable those happy feelings. Remember, as a child I didn't really receive parental love or advice that allowed me to understand what was correct until I learned on my own.

I didn't choose to focus them on him, he also chased me. I left and yes I did become interested in someone but never created that environment and it quickly flushed as it would for all kinds of married individuals. I want to leave but my I cannot make it on my own at this time for many reasons. I have friends and family who criticize my desire for divorce so it's not easy. I also correct my need for intensity. If I had that partner that had common values, things would be okay. My husband and I have evolved into different worlds with nowhere near interests...
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