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Work and marriage decision


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georgia girl

Okay, LSers, I need some anonymous and dispassionate advice. I think I know the right thing, but I just need some validation.

 

I run a mid-sized company that I rescued from financial ruin about 10 years ago. It was my life's passion for a very long time. Lately, I've realized however that there is a lot more to life and that now I want the time to be with my husband and our families. Enter stage left: a job that would allow me to work from home, part-time making about what I make now. My husband, who is the most amazing man on earth to me, says its solely my decision but I do think he sees the pressure I'm under and would like me to take the job. Either way, he supports me.

 

So, what's the problem? I didn't rescue this company by myself. A lot of people played major roles along the way and a lot of people had faith in me even when I didn't. The guilt I feel about walking away from them is incredible. I'm also concerned about losing some of those friendships naturally when we don't work together anymore. For as much as the daily grind in the high-pressure world of a CEO is killing me, I also know that I'm an extrovert and worried about isolation.

 

If I could craft my dream job, it would be to do what I'm doing now just three days a week. That obviously isn't possible. This potential new job gets me down to four days a week, all from home and at significantly less pressure than I'm under now. I REALLY want to take the job, but how do I walk away from all of the people who helped me for so long. This feels like an incredibly selfish move. (FYI: the company is in a great place now in every area. If there was ever a time to leave, this would be it. On the flip side, when the rumor got out that I was being headhunted, two of my closest colleagues were tearful.)

 

HELP! In a lot of ways, this is a no-brainer. This would give us (my husband and I) such a better life, it seems like if my marriage is my priority over my job, I should be running towards this opportunity. Again, the guilt is killing me.

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I've operated a business since 2001. I've had partners and employees come and go. In 2011 I decided to leave my business partner and employees and go out on my own. It was a difficult decision because I knew I would miss the interaction with my partner and employees.

 

At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for you. You really do. I did feel guilty because I knew people might lose their jobs because of my decision, but, I had to make a decision that was best for me. I don't regret it. I'm much happier now. I have more freedom to do activities with my kids.

 

And, I have networked a great deal so if I have an issue or need to discuss something with a colleague, that person is just a phone call away. My concern about no longer having a connection with people was unfounded. You can always meet for lunch or dinner.

 

My sister left her job after 19 years for a work at home position. She makes a point of meeting certain former coworkers once a month to remain in touch.

 

Based on your post, you've made your decision. You need to let go of the guilt.

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I run a $25MM operation from my home....I am not sure why you couldn't split time between the office and a virtual office....this would settle both needs however if that can't be done, you need to decide which comes first your loyalty to the partners and employees or your family....that's what it boils down to isn't it?

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georgia girl

Thanks for the responses! By far, my family comes first but you are also right, I have to let go of the guilt. I want this for me as much as I want it for us, because it will dramatically slow my work pace and change my lifestyle.

 

Truly, thank you so much! I needed dispassionate strangers to tell me it was really okay.

 

- GG

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I was in a similar position 15 years ago when I left a job to do this one--from home with more time to be an actual, involved family member that didn't travel the globe/country. I literally prayed a lot for guidance for the best decision. It sounds like you know that answer already. I think women are somehow wired to have guilt when it's not necessary. I also would suggestyour true professional/personal friends will remain exactly that and be happy for you. Those that are not will be telling, which will make your work from home even more meaningful to know who your true friends and relationships are. As far as the isolation, working from home gives you the opportunity to get out there when you want it and need it--take it from someone who's done this for 15 years. It was fabulous for my marriage and my family in general, if that's your goal, too. It sounds like a good time to do this as well, as no one is being left in a financial lurch. Dispel the guilt and go for it! You've earned it. Congratulations.

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georgia girl
I was in a similar position 15 years ago when I left a job to do this one--from home with more time to be an actual, involved family member that didn't travel the globe/country. I literally prayed a lot for guidance for the best decision. It sounds like you know that answer already. I think women are somehow wired to have guilt when it's not necessary. I also would suggestyour true professional/personal friends will remain exactly that and be happy for you. Those that are not will be telling, which will make your work from home even more meaningful to know who your true friends and relationships are. As far as the isolation, working from home gives you the opportunity to get out there when you want it and need it--take it from someone who's done this for 15 years. It was fabulous for my marriage and my family in general, if that's your goal, too. It sounds like a good time to do this as well, as no one is being left in a financial lurch. Dispel the guilt and go for it! You've earned it. Congratulations.

 

Your post hit the nail on the head! Thank you so much!!! I have about 10-15 years left to work and I want that to be at a slower pace and more family focused. You are so right about misplaced guilt. Now, I just have to plan my exit. Most CEOs give between three and six months' notice. I am thinking - due to timing issues - it will be about four and a half.

 

Thank you again!!!

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georgia girl

Okay, last question. New employer offers incredible flexibility with start date. I was thinking of giving a 5 month notice then taking a month off in-between. I would be doing that to ease the pain of old employer. But, a lot of evidence out there is that organizations with a lame duck CEO actually suffer and notice time shouldn't be more than 3 months. So thinking of doing the shorter notice. T

Just rip off the bandaid and let everyone move on. Thoughts?

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georgia girl, I say rip off the band aide! :)

 

Start that new phase of life ASAP!

 

I retired early (40) and I've loved every minute of it.

 

 

“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back....”

― Erica Jong

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If you are an extrovert, I really doubt working from home would work for you. I mean, I work from home and I LOVE it. But I typically test about 90+% introverted in most personality tests... :laugh:

 

Many of my extroverted friends cannot understand. They ask me how I "bear" the lack of social contact throughout the day. I ask them how they bear SO MUCH social contact for 40+ hours a week... :D But yeah, I think the suitability really depends on the person.

 

Is there truly no middle ground between "part time work from home" and "CEO working all the time with no time for family"? Perhaps a 3rd job's the charm?

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You have to do what is right for you. I hope you are realistic, if you have kids, about how much work you can actually get done at home.

 

Why not sell the company you saved. If you don't own it, then it's the owner's problem. Either way give them a month if you can to job search and give them all good recommendations. If you want to go the extra mile, you might even hire a headhunter for the group.

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georgia girl

Thank you everyone for the replies! It was amazingly helpful to receive both the validation and the responses that challenged me to think a little bit harder. In the end, I am ready to go. It took me a year to get to this point (I was first approached about a year ago) and I have thought about the pros and cons almost too much. I have also dealt with the emotions of leaving - including the guilt - as well as some of the fears. This is absolutely the best choice for me.

 

I am now ready for my next chapter.

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  • 1 month later...
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Just a quick update. I took the job and am officially "semi retired"! Thank you all for the help. Guilt is hard and announcing it was as bad as I expected, but I am now on the other side and I am so excited for my new life.

 

Thank you!

GG

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Thank you, LWP! Not until late winter. I am actually so lucky that I can take a few months off in-between jobs. I am so looking forward to the break and the new job.

 

There was a lot of emotion telling people but now that it's done, I can feel myself starting to relax.

 

GG

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LivingWaterPlease

Well, keep us posted as you work through you new life and how you navigate keeping up with any professional and social relationships from your old life.

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Well, keep us posted as you work through you new life and how you navigate keeping up with any professional and social relationships from your old life.

 

Yes, please keep up posted...I am working very hard to determine the course of my retirement, myself. I am the type that I need a goal but don't want the daily grind and stress. So, I would be very interested in how you find "semi-retired"....I had not thought of that angle and it sounds perfect!!

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So, a few random updates. First, I realized I titled this work and marriage. That's not really true. It's more work and lifestyle/family. If I am honest, it's more just a "me" decision. I wanted to slow down and live a more fulfilling, less demanding life. Maybe I was feeling too guilty before to just admit it?

 

Now that the cat is out of the bag, I did experience a few days of guilt but that has largely dissipated. I get a pang now and then, but then I focus on why Iade this choice and it goes away. Even though I have a long leave notice, I am already noticing a difference in myself. I finished a project I started a year ago. Before, I was so conscious of so many demands on my time that I was constantly balancing what needed to be done first. I don't have any new "free" time yet but I don't feel that same anxiety about exhausting myself on the weekend when it's going to be a hard week ahead. I have also had a great conversation with my niece. I actually sat down and had a 40-minute conversation with her about her college major. I didn't feel pressured for time and it felt so good. I spent the day with my mom - essentially "blowing off" a whole day when I ordinarily would have been fixated on getting the house cleaned so the work week would be less hectic. And I am already planning a big backyard cookout in October around another local event. That would have been something I wanted to do but couldn't commit to at any other time.

 

Living water and kgcolonel, hope you find this update helpful. I am actually thinking of using this thread as my "journal" for the next six months to a year. I want to memorialize this journey and see if in retrospect, it was truly the right choice. So far, it has been pretty amazing even with the guilt.

 

GG

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LivingWaterPlease

 

Living water and kgcolonel, hope you find this update helpful. I am actually thinking of using this thread as my "journal" for the next six months to a year. I want to memorialize this journey and see if in retrospect, it was truly the right choice. So far, it has been pretty amazing even with the guilt.

 

GG

 

Great idea, GG!

 

Also, was wonderful reading about your talk with your niece and the day you spent with your mom! Those things can't be purchased and are truly important, not only to you but also to your niece and your mom!

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So, another update. It's not like it's all sunshine, roses and a yellow brick road right now. There is a lot of anxiety with my staff and today was definitely a "counselor-in-chief" day. I see why some executive blogs were recommending a shorter notice. I can't imagine doing months of this kind of intensity. Yet, I do expect it will calm down. Just time and allowing everyone to deal with the uncertainty in their own way.

 

On the home front, my husband and family have been amazing. Just tons of support. I came home exhausted tonight and my husband was like, "Chill. I got this," and proceeded to take care of stuff at home that I would ordinarily care for.

 

I had another reinforcing event today. I went to the funeral home for a man a few years younger than me. It just reinforced that life is worth more than living for work obligations.

 

It's going to take a little time for everything to sort itself out. That's today's lesson. I had thought, "Get through the announcement, then your new life begins." No, I need to finish this thing out first. It's like being at mile 20. Yep, you almost did the marathon. But that final 10K determines your finish. Keep running. End this thing gracefully.

 

I am still so happy I made this decision. I am already making plans for my time off.

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So, another update (and I find this incredibly helpful for me). I've noticed two emerging themes as I work through this transition - one is the "new me" theme and the other is what I'm calling the "here and now" theme.

 

In the "here and now," I've realized that this separation will happen in stages and none of them will be either emotionally or physically quick. I think when you first consider this kind of move, you can't really see beyond getting the offer, signing the contract and announcing your departure. Those seem to be the goalposts. Then, those things happen and you realize there's a whole new set of goalposts. There are the human relationships of staff and colleagues as well as professional outside relationships that you're taking into your new world. Those folks all have thoughts/emotions and they're looking for feedback from you. So, you manage that piece and essentially begin clearing those goalposts. Then. you look up to see what's next. I have a feeling that for the next few months, there's always going to be a "what's next" set of goal posts. In a way, they are teaching me greater patience. I just want to clear all of the goal posts now and get on with the next chapter. But, recognizing that the goal posts will come both concurrently and consecutively and that I don't have a lot of control over their appearance is teaching me to take my time, not make mistakes that I'll have to fix later and to take a deep breath. Three months is a long time, but I've got this.

 

The really cool part of this, however, is the "new me." I am so excited! While I have had pangs of guilt and some remorse that my decision is hard for others, I have not regretted it one bit. It seems so far off in the future right now, but gosh, I just can't wait. I'm excited for the slower pace of life mostly, but also for the new professional challenges and the opportunity to work with new leaders all over the state and country. This really feels like the coolest thing I've ever done professionally and I am so glad that this decision changes the focus of my life.

 

I had a chat with my sister this past week who did the same thing I'm doing four years ago (and has encouraged me for years to do this). We started talking about how before, we always felt it was important to be there for the bad times for our family and friends but we weren't so concerned about being there for the good times. Things were good and they had each other. Plus, we had work and obligations waiting on us. What she realized a few years ago and I realize now is that people did need us during the good times and guess what, we also NEEDED to be there ourselves. This idea that I have made such a healthy choice for me and my family is so incredibly rewarding. I told my sister that I've come to realize that while staff may need me and I'm friends with my staff and colleagues, that I really love myself, my husband and my family and that it was high time I put the people who love me (including myself) first in my life.

 

There is a long way to go between today and when my new life begins. But, I'm going to try and enjoy the journey, taking care of those who need me along the way and preparing for my new future.

 

Peace out... GG

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Nearly a third of my notice period done and I think that finally things are settling back to the new normal. For kgcolonel, that is something to expect. The "shock and awe" of your departure will create a few tense weeks. Even though I had come to terms with it, it was new to everyone else. I am glad that this part is over and I believe I handled it well.

 

I have my class reunion coming up in a few weeks so I also shared my update on my social media page. That way, it isn't a big deal at the reunion. I just want to catch up with folks, not talk about my work situation. (Some friends knew, others didn't... it was bound to come up.)

 

So, a couple of new things I've noticed. One: the more time goes on, the more I realize that I am so happy with my decision. In fact, I actually regret not doing this sooner. I think you get paralyzed by the thought of change sometimes and even if the opportunity gives you so much of what you want, for some reason, inertia takes over. Kgcolonel, thinking of you as I write this. Don't let inertia take over. I wasted time.

 

Second is that it is hard to go into work. Ethically, I will give them everything I have until the last minute of the last day, but I have to fight the urge that mentally, I have moved on. Conversely, the Sunday "blues" are not as bad anymore. Likely because I realize there is an end in sight.

 

Finally, I can't wait for my month off in-between jobs. I haven't been off that long since Christmas break of my senior year in college. I have had three two-week vacations since then: one when I got married and two during the last two successive summers. I can't wrap my head around a full month off yet, but I am so ready for it.

 

Now that the tough part at work is over, I am so happy and satisfied with my choice. I just can't say that enough!

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  • 3 weeks later...

We are afraid of changes, but changes are good for us. How can we be happier when we don't change anything?

 

I just start my career and I focus on my job, but I hope in future I will do like you "stop and focus on family".

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Normally I would sell the company or do a deal where I get a percentage of the profits for the next 10 years to insure that I will try to keep the accounts. I do not know why it would be all or nothing for your company. Sometimes when a larger company buys out a smaller one, the benefit package is better but they will probably trim the staff.

 

I no longer own a company but I do get 25% of the profits of the one I work for now in addition to a salary. I also work 3 days a week. It took me 3 years to get to the situation I am in now but it is doable. The woman I work for now has lent her own money to keep the company afloat at times but now we are doing very well due to some large contracts she got. We did have to layoff some good people during the last recession but you cannot live your life supporting others. They are free to find other jobs too. I gave up a quarter of a million dollars which would have been my percentage of the profits, to keep from laying off 6 people. Turned out that we had to lay them off anyway a year later as things did not improve. Never got a thank you, only hate for letting them go. Last time I do that. Those people never once went on a job interview either even though they knew that their jobs were safe only for a year.

 

I used to be the guy who turned branch offices around. The thing that always puzzled me is that when I went to a branch, they knew that I would be replacing all or most of them and yet no one made an effort to find another job. They rather go with bad odds than face a job interview or possibly a new job. The funny part is that I only replaced the bad and unproductive workers who all thought they were the best employees in the company. When I pointed out that they were doing half of what others did, they had excuses like they get all the difficult accounts or no one gives them any more work.

 

I have been on both sides of the coin as an employee without a job and as a boss. What I learned is to look out for yourself or you can easily be dragged down with the others. My family comes first and no one is guranteed a job for life.

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Halfway into my notice and I am back to update. First, I should point out that I run/ran a non-profit so it’s not a “sell” situation.

 

It is painful leaving relationships you have built over a decade. There are moments of pure sadness and regret. This was “my staff” and I selected each of my senior people. I have both the urge to protect them (they took a chance on me afterall) and an urge to stay there with them. But a good friend just told me that there really does come a time when it’s over and most people stay too long.

 

On the flip side, I know I made the right decision. When I waiver about leaving, I think of what staying looks like and it fills me with dread. It’s not the people or the mission... it’s me. Plus, I am so excited for the freedom and flexibility of working part-time from home will give me.

 

I have learned that there is a mourning/adjustment process and I guess I wouldn’t want it any other way. I enjoyed being the boss who genuinely cared and I don’t regret that even if it means that saying goodbye is hard. It’s also a slow goodbye, so I go through each stage while I am there which will hopefully make it easier when I am gone.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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The notice period is now nearly over. Just a few days left. I don’t have a lot to say except that I made the right decision. Inertia is hard to overcome, particularly if you allow yourself to focus on the hard parts of change. It was a struggle for me in that I felt so guilty doing this for me when it would be hard for others. I am also sure that I will experience loss as well... when you don’t work daily with people, relationships naturally drift apart.

 

I haven’t allowed myself to think too much of the future because getting through the notice period was tortuous. But now, I am shifting my focus to the future.

I can’t believe I made it through! So excited for the future.

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