Jump to content

How to back off but maintain friendship?


Recommended Posts

I'm not entirely comfortable with the way my friendship with a female colleague is going. It feels like it's going to become an emotional affair.

 

We hit it off straight away and really connected. Surprisingly, as she's a Jehovah's Witness and I don't have any kind of faith, and she's older by 16 years. We've grown closer and I was fine with being close as friends but I felt like a boundary was crossed the other day.

 

She was telling me about when she first got married, 20 years (!) ago, she got married too soon and she ran away 600km because there were problems with her marriage. I've had the impression already that she's lonely...she kept saying how she couldn't do things because it wasn't the same doing them alone. On Friday she said that her husband makes her feel like she can't do anything. I've been there for her as emotional support, and her for me, when it came to stress at her other job...but I'm not comfortable now after she's verbalised those things about her husband when before it was only hinted at.

 

We do have a great connection, we laugh a lot, we do stupid post-it notes and we've really connected on a deep level. At first I thought her being lonely was because her old job took advantage of her by making her work basically 24/7 to the point she had a nervous breakdown. She said she had no social life and she was doing that for 9 years and coupled with the fact that she's an immigrant I just thought she hadn't had the chance to form bonds.

 

Then it got to the point where she said I'm always improving her mood, she's always happy in my company, I'm the only one who can cheer her up and make her feel good when she's having a bad day, and the 'worst' one, "I know the feeling because I am always giving and never receiving. Only you were different. See, you are special." and "I really like the new you." I thought, maybe it just sounds worse than it is because of the language barrier, she might not have the right synonyms? But her English is pretty good, actually. She's touchy too, playful punches if I'm winding her up and actually she put her hand on my knee the other day. Again, some people are like that with friends, but it does make me uncomfortable.

 

I want to back away but don't know how to set boundaries or do it in a way that doesn't upset her. I sit next to her so can't just stop talking and we go on break together.

 

It's a shame for me because, while I can get on with people, it's rare for me to really connect with somebody. The things she's said unnerved me a little because it's the type of thing my ex, who put me on a pedestal then knocked me off, used to say. I even said to my friend when she'd said I was special that I appreciated the sentiment but that I'm not and I'd said the other day that I was worried she was putting me on a pedestal. She just said that it was because she thinks I'm a really nice person and she really likes me.

 

She has been great in helping me get my confidence back following brain surgery so I don't want to just walk away from a friendship where she's been supportive as well. But to protect myself from developing feelings for her...she is warm, sensitive, compassionate, funny and has such a romantic view of the world...or to stop her from developing feelings for me I need to put some space between us a little. Even if she were available, I wouldn't date anybody at work again and I wouldn't get involved with anybody who was married or in a committed relationship. Even if it is all platonic, I don't want someone getting too attached because I don't want to end up in a position where I feel I can only let someone down.

 

As a side-note, a LOT of my close friendships with women end up feeling like emotional affairs. I've just always been quite emotionally available. I don't invite it, it just happens, and it's something I'd like to be able to set boundaries for better in the future. It doesn't seem like a coincidence that the bonds I develop closely are with women who seem to be unhappy in their life and I don't want to be idealised as someone who is going to fix and solves everything.

Edited by Eyebrows
Link to post
Share on other sites

You wrote that you won't date co-workers nor get involved with partnered people. She's a co-worker and married, and you're not dating or involved with her. That's good. You're seeing a problem that's not really there.

 

Most work "friends" aren't really friends. When we change jobs, or when they do, we never speak to most of them again. You and she don't do things outside the office. If one of you left your job for another one, you'd probably never see each other again. Keep this relationship in perspective. It's situational. It won't last. If nothing else, she'll retire from work about 16 years before you do, and you'll probably never see her again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

There's only so much you can do without completely destroying the friendship, but I would suggest you sit down and think about exactly what boundaries need to be drawn and then back her up when she crosses those. I would suggest her touching you is one such boundary that isn't appropriate. You will hurt her feelings, but it must be done. Just try to do it with humor if possible. If she reaches out and taps your arm, that's one thing. If she lingers anywhere, stop her. If she touches your knee, that's out of bounds. You really need to immediately stop her and say, "Mary, I'm not a touchy feely person, and certainly not at work. It makes me feel self-conscious, so if you don't mind...."

 

You will have to limit her from telling you her life story by simply not being available and receptive all the time. And you will need to terminate any activity with her outside of work. At work, tell her you have to get back to work or you are leaving for lunch and have plans. Don't ever tell her what is or isn't happening in your personal life so she can't challenge you on it. She will get inquisitive. Tell her you'd rather keep your private life out of the workplace. Always be vague, not specific. "Sorry, I'm busy." If she's texting and calling, just fade her out on that and mention that you don't have time to do that all the time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You wrote that you won't date co-workers nor get involved with partnered people. She's a co-worker and married, and you're not dating or involved with her. That's good. You're seeing a problem that's not really there.

 

Most work "friends" aren't really friends. When we change jobs, or when they do, we never speak to most of them again. You and she don't do things outside the office. If one of you left your job for another one, you'd probably never see each other again. Keep this relationship in perspective. It's situational. It won't last. If nothing else, she'll retire from work about 16 years before you do, and you'll probably never see her again.

 

She wants to meet out of work. She's asked me to. The only reason we hadn't before she brought up her husband is that she's got the two jobs right now. But we'd talked about going to galleries and things like that. She says I'm her best friend but we haven't known each other long enough to be best friends. About 6 weeks ago she was crying in front of me on break telling me about a panic attack she'd had at her other job. So it's been fairly heavy and open.

 

I have two weeks off work coming up which will help with a bit of space.

 

I don't want people talking about us so I might present it like that to her. One guy on the team already said "Are yous off on your date?" when we were about to head on break, though I think he's jealous that me and her get on so well. I got accused of having an affair with someone else two year ago because we used to go out and smoke together and my ex-girlfriend works there so I'm pretty wary about having any close friendships within the office.

Edited by Eyebrows
Link to post
Share on other sites

You have every right to refuse to go outside of work with a married woman. Stop acting like you have no choice here. All you have to do is say, "I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea."

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...