Male/Female coworker friendship gone cold

[ConfusedProfessional]

I am a female in my late 20s who works at an office with people twice my age. It is a fairly big organization. As much as I enjoy working with my coworkers I felt something was missing and I couldn't really relate to most of them due to age and lifestyle differences. Then I met steve. He is a year older than me. I am a very friendly person and alot of people consider me their friend quickly, only I don't consider alot of people my friend till they pique my interests.

 

Steve and I ran into each other on a small project. From then on he made it a point to see me everyday by visiting me in my office, constantly bantering with me on work IM and then came the lunch invites. It felt great to finally connect with someone at work. I should mention both of us are in long term relationships. I am content but Steve on few occasions spoke about his S/O and it was negative. When I barely knew him, I defended his S/O but now I just let him vent. Our friendship. continued for a few months. During this time group lunches turned to few one on one lunches where we laughed and joked. We are polar opposites in our thoughts but enjoy different perspectives.

 

I am a very conservative person when comes to being touchy. One time he tried to reach for my shoulder and I gave him a look and he stopped. It luckily never happened again. He has asked me to go try out some fun activities outside of work with him but we never really planned them or got a chance to. He asked me about play fighting once and the conversation didnt go anywhere. I took it as a joke. I told him how much the friendship means to me and he said one day I will get mad and disappointdd at him. I laughed it off. One time he brought up how people can make mistakes with an attractive friend and I said people should have better will power and go home.

 

Finally the last time we went to lunch was one on one, some of his team mates showed up at the same mall foodcourt. It was awkward he said he would havs asked them to join. they didnt look happy. I asked to join tables but he said no. Then he disappeared like he never existed. Not a word for about half a week. I ran into him in the hallway and he pretended all was normal. I made small talk and said I have a meeting because I was hurt. This continues for days. Once or twices I checked on him and he said he is busy. Then one day he acted like his old self joking and laughing. Then back to ignoring me. I asked again and he said he is fine.

 

It really hurts to lose a friend. I don't know if he found me attractive or not. To me it doesn't matter. Adults who are not single get attracted to others. But they know to keep their pants on and keep it moving. Special friends you can connect with are hard to find. I don't know what I did to lose this one? it is really painful being ignored after being treated like I am the only one that exist on this planet. Why make me believe in a friendship and then vanish? Does anyone have any advice? What could have happened? I keep thinking I offended him and should apologize or maybe I got boring?? How do I get our friendship back?

Edited March 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Telemachus]

People come into and out of our lives. We come into and out of theirs. Most friendships don't last a lifetime; very few do. You're freindly in the workplace and during the work day, not friends it turns out. There's a difference between being friendly and being friends. The former you can do all on your own; the latter requires some mutuality that is not now present. You can't compel it.

 

You seem to want a different kind of relationship than he does - that's life. Friends help paint each other's apartments, help move each other's furniture, and celebrate birthdays together. Friendships also warm and cool, and usually end.

 

Enjoy what interaction you have for as long as it pleases you, but don't expect him to be a friend whom you warm with your presence, with whom you exchange secrets, and remember in each other's prayers.

[VeveCakes]

He wasn't really a friend. He was going to try and get withbyou and you made it clear it wouldn't happen so he decided not to waste his energy.

 

This happens a lot when as a women you think men hang around for friendship. %99 of the time they just want in your pants.

[GunslingerRoland]

Of course you can ignore physical attraction, but it sounds pretty clear from this post that he is head over heels in love with you. I'm not sure what about that food court situation triggered him, but clearly something at that point, made him realize that his love in unrequited. You can't have the friendship back because it was never what you thought it was anyway.

 

Also I should mention, that tying your happiness at your job at a large company to your friendship with one person, isn't a good idea anyway.

[Mr. Lucky]

Of course you can ignore physical attraction, but it sounds pretty clear from this post that he is head over heels in love with you.

 

And OP, I'd guess on some level you enjoyed the attention. Hard to believe you're naive enough not to know where this was headed? IM's, one-on-one lunches, conversations about "attractive friends", venting about SO's - all bricks in the road to workplace romance...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dispatch3d]

Sounds like he was into you. He may have just developed too many feelings and is backing off to restore order, or maybe he doesn't want to continue the friendship. Its hard to tell at this stage. I would just give things a few weeks, not ask what happened, etc. You won't get answers regardless. After some time things may rebuild to a more friendly vibe, but it probably won't happen overnight.

[OatsAndHall]

Just about everything this guy has done and said would put me on edge. his behavior doesn't point towards someone who wants a platonic friendship.. It's indicative of a guy who became attracted to you and was trying to develop a romantic relationship. Some of the behavior (not wanting a co-worker to sit with you...) is childish and would send up just one of many red-flags for me.

 

To be honest, I would avoid this guy at all costs from here on out. I know you feel like you're losing a friend but this guy doesn't want to be a friend. He wants to get in your pants. Further involvement with him could drag you into drama inside and outside of work that you just don't need.

 

I have a few platonic relationships with women. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't attracted to a couple them in some way but I am in a relationship and they are as well. As such, I make sure that our interactions are quaint and friendly. I enjoy their company, we have fun conversations and I want to keep it that way. I'm not going to risk my relationship or my friendship with them by letting my any of my attraction to them show in any way. And, honestly, I would be hesitant to push a romantic relationship with any of them if we were all single simply because I don't want to lose the friendships that I have with them.

[WomenWubber]

He approached you coz he gets tingly down there when he sees you, not as a friend.

 

Just focus on doing your work. Ofc getting along with your coworkers is not a bad thing, but you shouldn't get too invested.

[stillafool]

This guy was never your friend. Create friends outside of the work place. You just liked the attention and now it's gone.

[preraph]

Sounds like he decided this wasn't going anywhere and was also making him uncomfortable from a work standpoint and he decided to fade out. I mean, that's better than him causing a scene and making YOU uncomfortable at work by not giving up or acting like you're his girlfriend. Be kind and let him go.

[ConfusedProfessional]

Each one of you had raised interesting points that have got me thinking of this in a less catastrophic way.

 

@Telemachus - I like your thoughts although they are sad that is something I have a very hard time dealing with and need to work on. I don't open up to a lot of folks but when I do expectation runs a bit high. Expectations as in keeping the temperature of friendship pretty even keel. Each time a friendship falls apart due to moving, distance or whatever the reason maybe - it hurts just as bad. I am a pretty consistent person who is always there for friends and even random strangers.

 

I will answer everyone who said something about getting in my pants, me not realizing as well enjoying the attention and now missing it:

 

Growing up majority of my friends have been males. It has always been a struggle when a friend confesses or proclaims that he likes me - to me its a sad thing. I have always worked hard to fit in - be one of the "bros" but somehow my sex always stands out. That is yet another friendship that gets awkward. Majority of the time I have kept the friend if they dropped the topic and we reverted to normal. OR if they kept getting antsy why I don't reciprocate, we of course parted ways. I expect the same attention from a female friend when I start building our friendship to be something important.

 

I also grew up being bullied so self esteem isn't the greatest, although one will never guess by the way I act around folks. So for a guy to make it blatantly obvious that he likes me he will have to verbally say it. And sometimes I might still think they are just saying it to be kind. As a lot of females might relate when you get objectified at a pretty early age sometimes you thin men only think with their wee wees and it doesn't matter what you look like or what your personality is like. Although majority of my coworkers have a hard time keeping their eyes on my face this particular coworker only looks at my face which was a refreshing change. It is sort of respectful. Someone actually enjoying your company or conversation or personality. And isn't lurking around to just stare. But once again what would I know? I am not a guy so I don't know how to read these things. I took it as a genuine bond where we admire more than just our physical bodies.

 

I have had a pretty ridiculous turn of events that have happened to me in the last few years - we moved away from home state - leaving everyone I knew behind. I got pretty sick and alot of activities got restricted and finally I decided to move on out in the world and have fun, as I am slowly doing better health wise. So yes maybe my desire for this friendship might appear as attention but trust me it could honestly be attention for a female. I am currently a sucker for human companionship.

 

UPDATE THOUGH:

 

We ran into each other at one point last week. Well I found him right by my office talking to another male coworker. At this point in time I tried to just carry on with the distance thinking the person clearly hates my guts. But he initiated the conversation. It was awkward as heck. He looked like he got hit by a bus, which he attributed to being unable to sleep at night. I know someone here suggested to not ask anything but I ended up instant messaging later and asking to talk face to face. It surprisingly went well. The explanation was still "Things have been too crazy". All the old patterns returned. The lingering conversation that never ends where I have to make the first move to walk away, the joking etc. I had to keep saying its time to go home. But surprising new traits that didn't exist before. The first few times I had to open the doors and there was just NO signs pointing to "gentlemanly behavior" which also led me to believe this is purely a friendship have now been replaced with "after you" or getting the door for me. And now its back to nothing this week.

 

It drives me insane because I like consistency but for my end I asked shared the sentiments that since something seemed wrong I wanted to ensure it wasn't something I said or since previously they were my shoulder to cry on, they don't need assistance this time around given the change in pattern. I saw the face soften and a light bulb go off. But at the end of the day if we are back at square "ignore the other person" this week, then maybe this isn't something that will work in the long term. A consistent and inconsistent friend don't go hand in hand. It will be sad and I will remember the laughs but eventually everything falls back into its rightful place.

 

Now once again - I seem to not believe he was trying to be more than just friends.I know I am an idiot. You all are welcome to shake your heads at me.

[Miss Clavel]

he's playing you. and part of that is ghosting you so that you sit and think about him and where he went and what you did wrong. it's classic.

 

just work at work. that should keep you busy.

[Mr. Lucky]

It drives me insane because I like consistency but for my end I asked shared the sentiments that since something seemed wrong I wanted to ensure it wasn't something I said or since previously they were my shoulder to cry on, they don't need assistance this time around given the change in pattern. I saw the face soften and a light bulb go off. But at the end of the day if we are back at square "ignore the other person" this week, then maybe this isn't something that will work in the long term. A consistent and inconsistent friend don't go hand in hand. It will be sad and I will remember the laughs but eventually everything falls back into its rightful place.

 

Now once again - I seem to not believe he was trying to be more than just friends.I know I am an idiot. You all are welcome to shake your heads at me.

 

Thanks for sharing the info on your background, much of it makes sense.

 

I'll gently suggest you're applying an awkward combo of trying too hard and over-thinking things. You're almost courting him so not surprising if his reaction becomes emotional and/or inappropriate. The friendships I have - male and female - happened organically as I simply gave a friendly vibe back when it was received. Beyond that, I didn't spend a lot of time considering motivation or intent.

 

Save that kind of angst for your love life. Day-to-day living is already complicated enough ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

You're making way too much over a work mate.

[ConfusedProfessional]

Thank you @MrLucky and @ stillafool! You both are right.

 

Unfortunately I am an over analyzer and do this mess every few years. 2 years ago I did same exact mental anguish about a female family member who I see more as a friend than family cause we initially grew up seprately and met under different circumstances. She was the first person I ever opened up to when tormented instead of just letting them be hot and cold and we have worked out things pretty well since. We have our codes now when someone feels something right, they just speak up straight.

 

I am a person who wears my feelings on my sleeves and a huge empath.

 

I work in a big city *cough NYC cough* and people are always running around. No matter how busy I am, if I see lost strangers or someone who needs help - I will stop and ask if they need something. So I guess I am generally an intense human being. I have helped random uber drivers find a decent job. Sometimes my behavior does backfire but someone gotta be there for others? But all this to say if I see someone being nice to me, I go above and beyond to help them back and be their support for life. I never forget a favor.

 

I am married to an amazing human being and he is super friendly too. Only he js vefy straight with his feelings, you cross him and he is done with you. My goal is to slowly become that person one day. And please do know that I never said one bad word about my S/O infact I am always praising him and telling folks both at work and outside that we have a perfect marriage. It is just I am at a point in life now where I am well established and have ample time and he is still building himself up and I am the free one sitting around and waiting.

 

I don't get humans and that is what these topics bother me. I wish for a world where everyone gets along and is happy. Where people look out for each other and don't play games. So issues like this become a sore spot.

 

You have all been very helpful. And it has only led to frustration that why am I built like this but being aware helps one change for the better ?

[BreakOnThrough]

Sounds to me you like playing off the drama a bit and using the innocence card, oh, you're attracted to me? Gosh! I didn't know, for attention. Men respond to your charade and the cycle continues. Who's next OP?

[Raena]

Sounds to me you like playing off the drama a bit and using the innocence card, oh, you're attracted to me? Gosh! I didn't know, for attention. Men respond to your charade and the cycle continues. Who's next OP?

 

This comment is just a highlight of how cynical our world has become. Why automatically assume she's just looking for attention. Why can't it just be that she actually considered this man a friend and is frustrated by why it can't just be that simple?

 

OP. despite the negativity and accusations of attention seeking behavior, many responses here were on point. I have no idea what kind of business you are in but maintaining a healthy work relationship with your coworkers is important. Be careful not to overstep that boundary though and try to make it more of a personal friendship rather than just a work relationship.

 

What does your husband think of the amount of time you spent IM'ing with and going to 1:1 lunches alone with a male coworker? Is he aware of your thoughts and feelings on this situation?

[loverboy69]

Sounds to me you like playing off the drama a bit and using the innocence card, oh, you're attracted to me? Gosh! I didn't know, for attention. Men respond to your charade and the cycle continues. Who's next OP?

 

Yea as a guy I'm with you here. Just telling it like it is.

 

There are a few posters on this board that continually post about guys falling for them in the workplace playing the innocent card and never sure why it continues to happen to them.

[ConfusedProfessional]

Yea as a guy I'm with you here. Just telling it like it is.

 

There are a few posters on this board that continually post about guys falling for them in the workplace playing the innocent card and never sure why it continues to happen to them.

 

Yea as a guy I'm with you here. Just telling it like it is.

 

There are a few posters on this board that continually post about guys falling for them in the workplace playing the innocent card and never sure why it continues to happen to them.

 

This is just pure amazing to see how men continue to put feelings that you dont have on you. It is pretty eye opening and sad. And maybe things like this happen.

 

To the poster who asked me who is going to be next? Well please use some logic here and think, that if I really was seeking attention I wouldn't worry about this one particular person. I have already described the behavior of others around me. If I was such a leech there are tons of preys to pick from. Once again when two people aren't single and have been in decade long relationships, then I feel it is safe to form friendship. Just like you eat, laugh and joke with a woman - why is it so mind boggling to do it with a man?

 

To the person mentioning some people keep posting this here. I am not a regular poster. I have never experienced this behavior before. Either someone hits on me amd the friendship is cut off or we remain adults who can have friendships past the fact we are opposite sex and oh my God if I spend time with you, I must be dying to get something out of you attention or bedding you.

 

@Raena Thank you for believing me and standing up for me.

To answer your questions. My husband knows bout all of this. We have a great communication in our marriage we are each others best friends. I have beeen too dependent on him till he got busy with building himself up and now I am listening to him about breaking out of my shell to include others in my life. I used to not make friends at work and always turned down lunches males or females because I in general thought my bestfriend is at home. Apparently things dont always work the way you want. He knows about this forum message and he had a huge laugh when I said everyone thinks this guy was trying to be more than friends. He picked on me to say "Not like I gave you that as one of my theories". He told me there is nothing I can do just wait and watch. I told him it is just sad that someone can get along so well with another but the wish or want for something that is not possible will ruin it.

 

S/O and I mostly have opposite sex friends. We trust each other to come home or if you catch feelings elsewhere to be respectful enough to not cheat. We both have talked about it is human nature to find others attractive - that doesn't die off once you are in a long term relationship. But you know what you have home is important. We also have given each other the right that if an opposite sex friend makes the S/O uncomfortable they can ask to cut off the froend. Lucily ee have never had to ask that of each other. When you have understanding and love at home you don't chase after an office romance because not all that glitters is gold. Unfortunately having one spouse busy round the clock leaves the other to make friends.

 

I work in a corporate office. Most of my coworkers go out drinking with each other and I am not saying one or two drinks. I am talking about being trashed. I don't drink and neither does the said coworker which was another thing we had in common. There are alot of office cliques and it is part of the norm here that people see each other outside of work. I had responded to one of my coworkers invitation by saying that it would be awesome for you to meet my spouse. I would treat a female friend just the same. I have been this person from day one with the coworker so if this was about getting in my pants then I don't know why they assumed for months that it was a possibility and then vanish overnight instead of slowly creating distance. It would have bern less hurtful slowly creating distance then making it blatantly obvious and making me wonder that I am at fault.

[springblossoms]

Sounds to me you like playing off the drama a bit and using the innocence card, oh, you're attracted to me? Gosh! I didn't know, for attention. Men respond to your charade and the cycle continues. Who's next OP?

 

I am actually in a similar situation, less, the guy was not hitting on me.

 

I too, get tossed the silent treatment card all the time. Then, out of the blue he comes back and just acts like nothing happened.

 

Some women simply value deep friendships. There doesn't have to be attraction and drama or anything else.

 

Why can't a women and man be just friends?

Why do most people assume there are motives?

That is so ridiculous!

[ConfusedProfessional]

I am actually in a similar situation, less, the guy was not hitting on me.

 

I too, get tossed the silent treatment card all the time. Then, out of the blue he comes back and just acts like nothing happened.

 

Some women simply value deep friendships. There doesn't have to be attraction and drama or anything else.

 

Why can't a women and man be just friends?

Why do most people assume there are motives?

That is so ridiculous!

 

I am sorry you are dealing with this too. But I was wondering as much as I would hate to think that a coworker I saw as a friend is just trying to actually get attention - maybe all these guys here represent some of the guys we become friends. While we are trying to be friends they think oh she must want attention, let me show her and it becomes this hot and cold game. While people like you and I are sitting here scratching our heads what happened to the nice person I once hung out or conversed with? It cant be that simple?

[loverboy69]

I am sorry you are dealing with this too. But I was wondering as much as I would hate to think that a coworker I saw as a friend is just trying to actually get attention - maybe all these guys here represent some of the guys we become friends. While we are trying to be friends they think oh she must want attention, let me show her and it becomes this hot and cold game. While people like you and I are sitting here scratching our heads what happened to the nice person I once hung out or conversed with? It cant be that simple?

 

The only way to understand the male psyche is to think like a man.

 

I'm a gay male. I can be platonic friends with a female w/o the stress of sexual attraction on my end. But that doesn't stop females from falling for me (believe me it sucks) and I have to end the friendship right away or pull away and go cold.

 

Let's be real for a minute. Most straight men aren't looking to be buddies with girls. (Yeah you'll read about that one guy....) but that's what their guy friends are for. Chances are if he's creeping around your personal space beyond the simple work projects he's already thought of what it's like to be with you in bed. Healthy men think about sex all day everyday. If you are giving him similar extra credit attention he might think the same of you.

 

However most men though who are dating have already read all the PUA advice on the internet and they know that if they are interested romantically in a woman but then she starts treating him like a girlfriend and confiding in him that's a red flag since you've put him in the friendzone. Guys are told to pull back or they'll enter the zone of no return.

 

If he's truly not into you but thinks you are pushing the boundaries too far it's another reason to pull back too.

 

When it's all said and done though if you are married it's best (in my opinion) to find deep friendships with other women. You don't want to lead men on or give them the wrong impression.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh I'm just a straight shooter. I wish you well and hope everything works out.

[springblossoms]

Thank you @MrLucky and @ stillafool! You both are right.

 

Unfortunately I am an over analyzer and do this mess every few years. 2 years ago I did same exact mental anguish about a female family member who I see more as a friend than family cause we initially grew up seprately and met under different circumstances. She was the first person I ever opened up to when tormented instead of just letting them be hot and cold and we have worked out things pretty well since. We have our codes now when someone feels something right, they just speak up straight.

 

I am a person who wears my feelings on my sleeves and a huge empath.

 

I work in a big city *cough NYC cough* and people are always running around. No matter how busy I am, if I see lost strangers or someone who needs help - I will stop and ask if they need something. So I guess I am generally an intense human being. I have helped random uber drivers find a decent job. Sometimes my behavior does backfire but someone gotta be there for others? But all this to say if I see someone being nice to me, I go above and beyond to help them back and be their support for life. I never forget a favor.

 

I am married to an amazing human being and he is super friendly too. Only he js vefy straight with his feelings, you cross him and he is done with you. My goal is to slowly become that person one day. And please do know that I never said one bad word about my S/O infact I am always praising him and telling folks both at work and outside that we have a perfect marriage. It is just I am at a point in life now where I am well established and have ample time and he is still building himself up and I am the free one sitting around and waiting.

 

I don't get humans and that is what these topics bother me. I wish for a world where everyone gets along and is happy. Where people look out for each other and don't play games. So issues like this become a sore spot.

 

You have all been very helpful. And it has only led to frustration that why am I built like this but being aware helps one change for the better ?

 

It sounds like we are twins lol

 

I could not agree more. Why can't people just be happy and friendly?

 

For me, there is nothing more to it than that! I simply enjoy great friendship!