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UGH! 45 yrs old and still being reminded of just how quiet I am!


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Nothing gets under my skin more in this life than people telling me just how quiet I am. Trust me, I know! I've been reminded of it since kindergarten. Nearly every report card I'd get I'd freak out, not that it was going to say I wasn't doing well in school, because I did fine, but that there would be some mention of just how quiet I was. Usually it was "Mapper is so quiet and doesn't volunteer easily" "Mapper is extremely shy" "When Mapper does speak up, she has something valuable to say".

 

I have coworkers who make a joke thinking they are being funny "Oh well we know what a chatterbox and troublemaker Mapper is". God I just want to scream! Then I got my review yesterday. Glowing review, but then there was that one line that made me want to scream "She can be quiet in our meetings but speaks up when she has ideas – and they’re often very good ones!" For anyone who isn't shy, they have no idea just how much those words hurt. Nobody ever makes fun of the loud people. Everyone likes the loud ones--they are never considered weird like the quiet people are.

 

I have always been and always will be a quiet person. I didn't grow up in a family of people who were big talkers and we certainly never had the yelling drama that a lot of families have.

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Then I got my review yesterday. Glowing review, but then there was that one line that made me want to scream "She can be quiet in our meetings but speaks up when she has ideas – and they’re often very good ones!" For anyone who isn't shy, they have no idea just how much those words hurt. Nobody ever makes fun of the loud people.

 

They weren't making fun of you. They were trying to encourage you to offer up your good ideas and get involved.

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I literally rarely have anything to add to work conversations. I mean some people say whatever comes to their mind. I think through everything I say and 99% of the time, I deem it unworthy of sharing because it just seems silly to say.

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"When Mapper does speak up, she has something valuable to say".

If you think it is of value to add to these work conversations that you find their comments about your personality and innate nature hurtful, then why not contribute it?

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I think through everything I say and 99% of the time, I deem it unworthy of sharing because it just seems silly to say.

 

Judging by what is written in your reviews, it would appear that you're selling yourself short.

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You should see how much ribbing some of the guys who never shut up get at my office. People make fun of them all the time.

 

You need to embrace who you are and not be upset by it. I'll have long periods of silence in social situations sometimes and occasionally people comment about it, doesn't bother me. I even crack jokes about it sometimes. It's who I am. And it's who you are.

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I used to get this as well, back at school and whatnot. I think it really just shines a light on different personalities.

 

Some people talk first and think later, others think first then talk ... we're an extreme of the second type. We think, then reconsider, then ponder the value of what we might say, very often by the time this is done the conversation has moved on ... so we just say nothing.

 

I don't personally think its a character flaw though I get your 'sensitivity' to it - I had that too for a long long time.

 

In reality, good leaders, or even managers, should listen more than they speak. They should _really_ listen to whats being said, consider those words and consider further what response they might make. Oftentimes the best response is indeed no response at all. Let the chatterers and verbal brainstormers get it off their chest and throw out the idea-a-minute stuff. Consider those things and make value based responses, if responses are required.

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You should realize that you are overly sensitive on this issue because someone teased you in your childhood or put it on report cards, etc. You shouldn't be taking it personally in the workplace. You are quiet and they notice that you won't participate in that way and make note of it because this is part of evaluation to list strengths and weaknesses. They are also listing your strengths.

 

If you don't like it, change it. If you carry resentment from childhood, vent it in therapy rather than stew about it and resent people in the workplace.

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40somethingGal

Mapper; I'm glad you shared this here. It opened my eyes a bit.

 

I am one of those speak-first-regret-it-later people who's brain to mouth filter doesn't kick in when it should. I have always wished I was a quiet person, but no matter how hard I have tried, I blow it almost immediately. argh

 

So... I have a young daughter who is shy and quiet. Everyone talks about how quiet she is and she even had a teacher take offense to her lack of speaking out. I have seen many report cards just as you described. What can I do for her? She has never mentioned if this bothers or hurts her. I'm afraid if I ask her, she might suddenly become offended by these remarks if she wasn't in the first place.

 

I guess I didn't realize this is hurtful because she has a beautiful personality and I wouldn't want her to change. Any advice?

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I would be helping your daughter to learn to overcome to some extent so that she can be social and has the skills to work someplace. I know there are natural tendencies all up and down the "shy" scale, but when you have a trait that is way on the high end, it needs to be worked with so you can live with hit and succeed.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I don't think you're being oversensitive. I know they don't mean any harm, but calling a quiet person quiet makes them even more likely to keep to themselves.

 

-In school I was told I was too quiet.

-At my first job I got told I talked too much.

-In my current job I was chatty and have grown quieter again recently. In the space of a year I went from training people to just not having the energy at all to deal with them.

 

I've gotten to the point where I accept it and if I feel like being quiet, I'll just be quiet. I'm more of a one on one person and if I can't be bothered with talking to somebody because I don't gel with them then I'll be professional and polite but beyond that I can't be bothered to waste the energy. It probably sounds hypocritical given this post, but the culture of where I work is one where people just complain and gripe and moan and it's exhausting.

 

I understand that a certain amount is a good skill to have in any role but I don't plan to be in this job much longer so it doesn't make much difference to me. I pick and choose who I interact with and keep it to those I can have a positive conversation with.

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Are you yourself happy with being quiet?

 

If you're not then change it. Talk more. Interact more.

 

I have my moments but yeah, pretty much I am quiet - and it's bliss for me to be so at work. :)

This last week at work I had to get away from my desk as my radio that I plug into was not loud enough to drown out the mindless chatter about celebrities, diets, calories, cake..blah blah.. These two ladies stop work whilst talking yet they never hit deadlines - I wonder why?

 

Two others in my team as well as me sit mostly with headphones in - even our new apprentice - to drown them out so we can think and concentrate.

 

I have stopped telling these two ladies anything as they hear one thing and make an assumption about just about everything and tell others their assumptions as if it's fact. Lol! Twits!

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If the truth hurts, then instead of hating on anyone who speaks it, particularly in a business setting, then go find ways to manage it and improve. If everyone is talking about it, then obviously it's holding you back. It's really no different than getting a review that said "He does well on projects but has a lot of absences from work." And don't tell me you have no control over it, because it's you, it's your mind, it's your body, and you are the person who could control it if you wanted to and bothered to work on it.

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I'm kind of like you - I like to talk (and I talk A LOT) BUT if and only if I have something valuable to contribute to the discussion. I won't throw random jokes or chit chat in a meeting, if I make a point - it is well thought and adding value.

 

It doesn't jive well with my current line of work thought (consulting). It was better accepted in my previous line of work (research).

 

You can: 1) push yourself to talk more (completely learnable skill if you bother)

2) change line of employment (my point above)

3) consider the culture where you live and adapt/move (in my journey east to west, I learned that the more you go to west, the more are you expected to talk :D)

 

Nothing gets under my skin more in this life than people telling me just how quiet I am. Trust me, I know! I've been reminded of it since kindergarten. Nearly every report card I'd get I'd freak out, not that it was going to say I wasn't doing well in school, because I did fine, but that there would be some mention of just how quiet I was. Usually it was "Mapper is so quiet and doesn't volunteer easily" "Mapper is extremely shy" "When Mapper does speak up, she has something valuable to say".

 

I have coworkers who make a joke thinking they are being funny "Oh well we know what a chatterbox and troublemaker Mapper is". God I just want to scream! Then I got my review yesterday. Glowing review, but then there was that one line that made me want to scream "She can be quiet in our meetings but speaks up when she has ideas – and they’re often very good ones!" For anyone who isn't shy, they have no idea just how much those words hurt. Nobody ever makes fun of the loud people. Everyone likes the loud ones--they are never considered weird like the quiet people are.

 

I have always been and always will be a quiet person. I didn't grow up in a family of people who were big talkers and we certainly never had the yelling drama that a lot of families have.

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If it bothers you, it bothers you. However, you've acknowledged that it's true - that you are quiet relative to other people and to situational expectations.

 

Save your anger and frustration for when you're falsely accused of something. I'd think less of your teachers and the person preparing your performance review document if they didn't mention it.

 

You may be comfortable where you are and with what you're doing. If you aspire to more, you can still be upset by this one thing, or about anything you choose, then do something about it. However, instead of being upset about it, or in addition to being upset, absolutely appreciate the feedback. That's what professionals do and say. They say: "Thank you for the feedback."

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I know how you feel! I can only hope people aren't still telling me I am quiet when I am your age. I'm 21 and I've heard it all my life as well, from friends parents growing up, teachers, bosses. It's so frustrating and embarrassing even when these people say it in front of others. I use to get more embarrassed by it, but I am proud of who I am - an introverted, introspective person who speaks if I have something useful or meaningful to say. There is a poem called the Desiderata, which I try to follow as my day of life. In the poem, a quote that always sticks out to me is "avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit."

That line made me realize it's okay and probably a good thing to be a quiet person! Good luck!

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DrReplyInRhymes

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

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Nothing gets under my skin more in this life than people telling me just how quiet I am. Trust me, I know! I've been reminded of it since kindergarten. Nearly every report card I'd get I'd freak out, not that it was going to say I wasn't doing well in school, because I did fine, but that there would be some mention of just how quiet I was. Usually it was "Mapper is so quiet and doesn't volunteer easily" "Mapper is extremely shy" "When Mapper does speak up, she has something valuable to say".

 

I have coworkers who make a joke thinking they are being funny "Oh well we know what a chatterbox and troublemaker Mapper is". God I just want to scream! Then I got my review yesterday. Glowing review, but then there was that one line that made me want to scream "She can be quiet in our meetings but speaks up when she has ideas – and they’re often very good ones!" For anyone who isn't shy, they have no idea just how much those words hurt. Nobody ever makes fun of the loud people. Everyone likes the loud ones--they are never considered weird like the quiet people are.

 

I have always been and always will be a quiet person. I didn't grow up in a family of people who were big talkers and we certainly never had the yelling drama that a lot of families have.

 

First off all how would you know what feedback loud people are being given in their reviews? Maybe they are hearing that it would serve them well to be quiet and just listen sometimes or that they should think before they speak. You think everyone loves loud mouths but that is not the case. Yes extroverts can be quite charming and they attract people but not if they are just being loud and pushy.

 

I too have been very quiet my whole life and also received the same comments on my report cards. So big deal. Work reviews are for giving honest feedback, not for tippy toeing around lest someone be offended by a truthful critique. One of my sons is an outgoing talker who as a child found it very difficult to sit still and be quiet for any length of time. You better believe that there were constant comments about that on his report cards and that there were many people in general who commented on how high energy and talkative he was.

 

Quiet people are not bad people. Talkative people are not bad people. They are just individual traits and sometimes people will notice our traits and comment on them. Big deal. Everyone gets some kind of feedback from people and if you feel so offended by that then it says more about you than them. I am okay with being a quiet person and I'm okay with people noticing that I'm quiet. If someone mentions that I'm very quiet I just agree with their truthful statement. Why get mad about hearing an honest observation. I have brown eyes. If someone commented that Anika99 has brown eyes should I become outraged by that and say "how dare you say my eyes are brown?!! Lol...that would make me look crazy. If you are offended by your manager stating that you are quiet then it's because you have a problem with your quietness. Your manager is just doing their job.

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