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New Associate Attorney At My Lawfirm


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Old 12th August 2016, 4:29 PM   #1
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New Associate Attorney At My Lawfirm

So there is this new male associate who has just joined our firm.

He is around 6'5", very good looking and of course the women are all going ga ga for him and this includes the women in the other law offices on our floor.

As for me? Not sure why but I cannot stand the guy. Oh he is very nice and polite, nothing inherently wrong with him, so not sure why, but whenever he approaches me with a task (or just to chat), I literally cringe.

I am not very nice to him either... in fact at times I am downright mean (which is not my normal demeanor with people AT ALL).

It appears that the meaner I am to him, the nicer he tries to be to me! Which makes me cringe even more!! Ugh.

Fortunately I do not have to work with him very often (thank god) and try to ignore but he is always coming into my office.... needs to use the copier or whatever other flimsy excuse he can think up. Annoying.

He approaches me very tentatively like he is afraid of me or something which also adds to the cringe factor.

It's funny because here he is, this big strapping guy.. and then me, blonde, rather petite, soft spoken ... and HE is the one afraid of me!

I realize I am sounding really mean here , but I am at a loss as to how to handle this.

But I need to do something because the cringe-factor and my annoyance is getting progressively worse by the day!

And please don't say that I subconsciously have some sort of crush on him because that is definitely NOT the case. I am very in tune with my emotions and can differentiate between a crush, attraction and near repulsion, which is what this is turning out to be.

Help!
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Old 12th August 2016, 4:47 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by katiegrl View Post
So there is this new male associate who has just joined our firm.

<snip>

And please don't say that I subconsciously have some sort of crush on him because that is definitely NOT the case. I am very in tune with my emotions and can differentiate between a crush, attraction and near repulsion, which is what this is turning out to be.

Help!
Actually, that IS the case. If you didn't like this guy you would be indifferent.

I have a feeling that you don't really dislike him at all. What you dislike is that he's desired by so many other women. You really like him, but you're protecting yourself from rejection or disappointment by "hating" him.

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Old 12th August 2016, 4:52 PM   #3
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Actually, that IS the case. If you didn't like this guy you would be indifferent.

I have a feeling that you don't really dislike him at all. What you dislike is that he's desired by so many other women. You really like him, but you're protecting yourself from rejection or disappointment by "hating" him.
LOL... well your "feeling" is incorrect, but thanks anyway MidKnight.

And to anyone else who wishes to opine, I am looking for ways to interact with him and not come off so mean.

That is definitely not cool, I realize this and need to nip it.

I'm trying though.
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Old 12th August 2016, 4:58 PM   #4
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It would be normal for him to try and make a positive impression on his new colleagues, especially if he's feeling a little like an outsider.

His height and looks shouldn't really be a factor in you determining whether you should make him feel welcome in his new place of work, is it? So what's your reason for not liking him, if any?
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Old 12th August 2016, 4:59 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by MidKnightDreams View Post
Actually, that IS the case. If you didn't like this guy you would be indifferent.

I have a feeling that you don't really dislike him at all. What you dislike is that he's desired by so many other women. You really like him, but you're protecting yourself from rejection or disappointment by "hating" him.
Your theory also doesn't fly as HE is the one giving ME attention... he goes out of his way to give me attention and avoids the other women.... so why would I be protecting myself from rejection?

I understand the theory though, it's pretty common which is why I pointed it out in my original post. I knew some posters would come up with that as the reason.

Definitely NOT what is going on here though....
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Old 12th August 2016, 5:01 PM   #6
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It would be normal for him to try and make a positive impression on his new colleagues, especially if he's feeling a little like an outsider.

His height and looks shouldn't really be a factor in you determining whether you should make him feel welcome in his new place of work, is it? So what's your reason for not liking him, if any?
There is no reason Emily... THAT's the problem... he just "rubs me the wrong way," that's all.

Have you ever met people like that who just rub you the wrong way and you don't know why?

And the nicer he tries to be to me, the more I cringe.... because it comes off as phony, sort of "nice guy", if that makes any sense.

Which as I said makes the cringe factor even worse.

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Old 12th August 2016, 5:06 PM   #7
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LOL... well your "feeling" is incorrect, but thanks anyway MidKnight.

And to anyone else who wishes to opine, I am looking for ways to interact with him and not come off so mean.

That is definitely not cool, I realize this and need to nip it.

I'm trying though.
That's easy.

Treat him like any other colleague. The old, fat, married, family man in the office. Or anybody else you have no romantic interest in.

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Old 12th August 2016, 5:07 PM   #8
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There is no reason Emily... THAT's the problem... he just "rubs me the wrong way," that's all.

Have you ever met people like that who just rub you the wrong way and you don't know why?

And the nicer he tries to be to me, the more I cringe.... because it comes off as phony, sort of "nice guy", if that makes any sense.

Which as I said makes the cringe factor even worse.
I can't say I've ever disliked someone on sight without knowing anything about them so I can't really relate to that bit, but I guess the more he feels you don't like him, the more he'll try to change your mind if he wants to fit in, especially if there's no reason for you not liking him.

For the sake of a pleasant working atmosphere, could you not pretend not to be affected by his presence one way or the other? Kind of acting professional and indifferent?

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Old 12th August 2016, 5:08 PM   #9
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That's easy.

Treat him like any other colleague. The old, fat, married, family man in the office. Or anybody else you have no romantic interest in.

We don't have any of those... the two other male attorneys (the owners ) are both very attractive too.

In fact I DO have sort of a crush on one of my bosses .... but he's married.

Every once in awhile though we have a little "flirt" session which is fun but HE is off limits!
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Old 12th August 2016, 5:11 PM   #10
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I can't say I've ever disliked someone on sight without knowing anything about them so I can't really relate to that bit, but I guess the more he feels you don't like him, the more he'll try to change your mind if he wants to fit in, especially if there's no reason for you not liking him.

For the sake of a pleasant working atmosphere, could you not pretend not to be affected by his presence one way or the other? Kind of acting professional and indifferent?
Yeah that's what I've been doing Emily, thanks...

Hopefully this will pass in time... and the cringe factor will dissipate, because it definitely sucks working in such a small office with a person who makes you cringe every time he approaches you.
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Old 12th August 2016, 5:17 PM   #11
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And the nicer he tries to be to me, the more I cringe.... because it comes off as phony, sort of "nice guy" , if that makes any sense.
Ya know, posting this... I think I just figured out why I don't like him. This^^.

I dislike any sort of phoniness... dis-ingenuousness behavior. In ANYONE.

Now how to deal.

I will just try to avoid as much as possible and act professional...

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Old 12th August 2016, 5:53 PM   #12
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So wait, let me get this straight.

The guy is new at your firm, and right off the bat you decide that you don't like him, and you quote:

Quote:
"I am not very nice to him either... in fact at times I am downright mean"
WHY would this ever be an acceptable way to interact with someone in a professional setting? Especially someone, according to your own words, has done nothing wrong but be good looking. Is this the tone you want to set in the work place?

"Being mean" should never be a mode of operation in a professional setting. And I am not saying this because you are a female, it wouldn't be professional for a guy to act like a jerk under any circumstance, let alone for no reason!

Of course now he is coming off as phony. Your disdain for him is probably palatable, and he is trying to remain professional, and polite, and be nice to you, despite the fact you are being mean. That is the PROFESSIONAL thing to do. It might be phony, because its difficult to be genuine when someone else is being a jerk.

Do you really think he is making "lame excuses" to be near you, like using the copy machine? Or could he ya know, need to use the copy machine?

I don't think he is scared of you, I think he doesn't know how to interact with you, because, again, according to your own words you have been mean to him for no reason. So now he has to handle you with kid gloves.

MY ADVICE? Get your emotions under control. Behave like a professional. Treat people how you would want to be treated, with consideration and respect.

Creating uncomfortable work environments, not getting along with coworkers for "no reason" is not beneficial to yourself, or your company.

Honestly, one of my major keys to success has been "getting along with everyone" - I try to remain even keel, keep emotions out of business - and if you don't like someone - find your poker face. You never know who you are going to need to have your back in the future.

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Old 12th August 2016, 6:06 PM   #13
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WHY would this ever be an acceptable way to interact with someone in a professional setting?
It's absolutely NOT an acceptable way to interact, which is why I started this thread.

I am NOT at all happy with either the way I feel about him (not pleasant) nor the way I interact with him.

However, as I said posting this made me realize why I dislike him... which answers one question.

The answer to my second question, which is how do I find a way to interact with him without cringing..... is mind over matter.

Interact with him less... and strive to be professional even if I have to fake it.
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Old 12th August 2016, 6:12 PM   #14
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Well, I think this situation calls for a little more compassion and maybe a bit less judgement on your part.

Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. He is new. Its a small firm. So he wants to get along w everyone, ESPECIALLY someone who appears to be (in some way) the social center of the firm. I mean, from his vantage point, if YOU think he is a jerk, then that may poison his chance to form good working relationships w other people. It's a common emotional desire for someone, and not a sign of "phoniness".

For crying out loud...
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You'll thank me for saying that later.
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Old 12th August 2016, 6:12 PM   #15
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And re his use of the copier in my office, we each have our own copiers in our offices so there is no reason for him to use mine. My door is closed but he just barges in... that wouldn't annoy you?

That said, just now he came in to use it... and I struck up a very pleasant convo with him... so all should be good.

Thanks!
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