Jump to content

How could he have no interest?


Recommended Posts

I've been working with a personal fitness trainer who is very attractive. During our sessions twice a week we talk about a variety of things often times conversation so deep we completely stop working out...our sessions are only supposed to be 45 min but often times they end up being an hour and a half to two hours. One time we just sat and talked for three hours without picking up a single weight. I don't pay for the extra time. He has confided many deep and serious things to me.

 

The thing is that outside our sessions he doesn't contact me...about anything. The things we've talked about or even the training aspect of things which he is kinda required to do as my trainer. He rarely remembers to schedule our sessions without my prompting. He'll say he'll send me workouts during the week or follow up with me about something and completely forgets during the week. So this means I don't even cross his mind at all....not even as a true friend at the very least. And definitely not as someone he's interested in romantically

 

All signs point he has 0 interest in me as a person...and it makes me not want to engage with him at all because our deep convos don't mean anything outside our sessions. It makes me feel bad that I am completely irrelevant in his "real life". Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Link to post
Share on other sites

You need to cut back on the chit chat.

 

He sounds bored and you talk and he has few boundaries.

 

What he is doing is unprofessional even if he doesn't want to be with you.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
PegNosePete

I think your assessment is accurate. He enjoys slacking off and not doing his job but doesn't want to know you outside of that environment. I would find another trainer, you're not going to get fit OR hitched with this one.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

It's normal that you feel bad because you're starting to attach to him.

 

If you're feeling bad, it would be time to join a different gym or get a different trainer. When I'm working out, I hate distractions and I don't like chit chat because I want to be focused on my workout and the one time I had a trainer, he was just as serious about motivating and pushing me. This guy sounds like he's slacking off and whiling away his time with you and nothing more. Sounds like he just enjoys the attention and being in the moment but nothing more than that.

 

Also bear in mind, he is also training a lot of women that walk into that gym -- so he is probably less focused on creating any attachment to just one woman.

Edited by Zahara
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I've been working with a personal fitness trainer who is very attractive. During our sessions twice a week we talk about a variety of things often times conversation so deep we completely stop working out...our sessions are only supposed to be 45 min but often times they end up being an hour and a half to two hours. One time we just sat and talked for three hours without picking up a single weight. I don't pay for the extra time. He has confided many deep and serious things to me.

 

The thing is that outside our sessions he doesn't contact me...about anything. The things we've talked about or even the training aspect of things which he is kinda required to do as my trainer. He rarely remembers to schedule our sessions without my prompting. He'll say he'll send me workouts during the week or follow up with me about something and completely forgets during the week. So this means I don't even cross his mind at all....not even as a true friend at the very least. And definitely not as someone he's interested in romantically

 

All signs point he has 0 interest in me as a person...and it makes me not want to engage with him at all because our deep convos don't mean anything outside our sessions. It makes me feel bad that I am completely irrelevant in his "real life". Am I wrong for feeling this way?

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way?

 

Not wrong, per se, your feelings are your feelings. However, I would view these "interactions" as client relations. Like hair dressers or bartenders :) Yeah, maybe he did get a little too "involved" in the sense of sharing, but

you are just another client at the gym, etc. He doesn't owe you anything. You two aren't in a romantic relationship. He may be working his way to asking you out, who knows?

 

It makes me feel bad that I am completely irrelevant in his "real life". -- That's likely because you are irrelevant in his real life. Some people just wear their hearts on their sleeve. The fact that he doesn't remember stuff about you, says that he's not tuned in to you, in my book, and it's all about him.

 

Just sit back and observe. Treat it like a professional relationship. If he gets too detailed, etc., don't entertain it. Just say, "hey, let's just keep this professional". And, he may do that with other clients as well.

 

If you have a strong attraction to him, you could invite him for coffee and see how he responds. But, I'd sit back and let it play out.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

It's just been so incredibly hard to understand....during our sessions he'll tell me things we should do together like playing tennis or hiking...but it never happens. He tells me he'll send me links to different things....but it never happens. That he'll follow up with me to see how I'm doing...never happens. I know it sounds bad but I'm starting to despise him....it just sounds like he just likes to hear himself talk and just says anything. If he just would've kept things about the training and didn't engage so much outside of what is professionally required I would've been fine...but it's like he carelessly sets these expectations but doesn't follow through. I'm also at fault for reading more into any of it...but he's the one that initiates the hour long talk sessions and deep conversation, I just go along with it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath

Your feelings aren't wrong. You are entitled to have your feelings, always. It's what you do about them that matters.

 

In this case, I think he enjoys the attention he gets from you during your "training" sessions. Unfortunately, they come at the expense of doing what you are paying him to do, which is train you. He is also using you as a sounding board for his personal issues when the training sessions should really be focused just on you.

 

Actions > words. His actions show that he is not interested in you romantically, and frankly that he isn't even that much of a trainer when he fails to send you workouts or check on your progress during the week. He

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
If he just would've kept things about the training and didn't engage so much outside of what is professionally required I would've been fine...I'm also at fault for reading more into any of it...but he's the one that initiates the hour long talk sessions and deep conversation, I just go along with it.

 

At some point it becomes your responsibility to set a boundary. It's your fault to keep allowing yourself to go along with it even when you know the situation isn't changing. When he initiates, cut it short and divert it back to the workout. When your hour is up, exchange niceties and move along.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Obviously his good looks got you all tingly...time to snap out of it. He is a paid instructor but is using you as his therapist. So unprofessional. I would report it to the gym that he is not doing his job. Then proceed to ask for a new instructor.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

Maybe he's not single.

 

He enjoys the chats at work and the ego-stroke from sensing that you are attracted to him, but he's not taking it further.

 

If you are getting attached, it's time to find a different trainer.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

It's like beauty salon stylists. They have to be everyone's psychologist too, but don't expect to hear from them after work. Trainers shouldn't even be placed into that role. They have to indulge you, but they don't have to listen to you off the clock, and he doesn't want to. He's just trying to keep you happy and keep his job. Stop taxing him.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
ChatroomHero
It's like beauty salon stylists. They have to be everyone's psychologist too, but don't expect to hear from them after work. Trainers shouldn't even be placed into that role. They have to indulge you, but they don't have to listen to you off the clock, and he doesn't want to. He's just trying to keep you happy and keep his job. Stop taxing him.

 

To me it sounded just like a stripper or hot waitress who some guys think is in love with them. It sounds like he is being friendly as part of his job and that is it. Probably friendly but unprofessional.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

The thing is I'm never the one to initiate any of the conversation...he's the ones who does most of the talking and doesn't mind when it extends for hours. It's the weirdest thing

Link to post
Share on other sites
I've been working with a personal fitness trainer who is very attractive. During our sessions twice a week we talk about a variety of things often times conversation so deep we completely stop working out...our sessions are only supposed to be 45 min but often times they end up being an hour and a half to two hours. One time we just sat and talked for three hours without picking up a single weight. I don't pay for the extra time. He has confided many deep and serious things to me.

 

The thing is that outside our sessions he doesn't contact me...about anything. The things we've talked about or even the training aspect of things which he is kinda required to do as my trainer. He rarely remembers to schedule our sessions without my prompting. He'll say he'll send me workouts during the week or follow up with me about something and completely forgets during the week. So this means I don't even cross his mind at all....not even as a true friend at the very least. And definitely not as someone he's interested in romantically

 

All signs point he has 0 interest in me as a person...and it makes me not want to engage with him at all because our deep convos don't mean anything outside our sessions. It makes me feel bad that I am completely irrelevant in his "real life". Am I wrong for feeling this way?

 

Seems like you're paying for a trainer but aren't getting one and he's in fact getting free therapy from you.

 

I think you should probably get a new trainer. If this guy isn't doing what you want to do, you're not even picking up a single weight, but you're paying, for what? At least pay someone who will do what you're paying them to do. He's being very unprofessional frankly.

 

It doesn't seem like he's interested, some people like to talk or talk about their problems and let a load off with people they feel are safe. Maybe you are safe because of the context. It unfortunately doesn't necessarily mean they are interested.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
It's like beauty salon stylists. They have to be everyone's psychologist too, but don't expect to hear from them after work. Trainers shouldn't even be placed into that role. They have to indulge you, but they don't have to listen to you off the clock, and he doesn't want to. He's just trying to keep you happy and keep his job. Stop taxing him.

 

Except he's the one telling her his problems....a client definitely should NOT be the one paying their trainer or stylist to have the stylist not do their hair and just talk about their problems, or their trainer not train them just talk about his own problems.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Except he's the one telling her his problems....a client definitely should NOT be the one paying their trainer or stylist to have the stylist not do their hair and just talk about their problems, or their trainer not train them just talk about his own problems.

 

I think just depends on the type of person you are whether you end up telling the stylist your problems or she tells you hers, or whether it may be a bit of both.

I guess the trainer here feels very comfortable with the OP, so has opened up to her.

He may feel it is all part of his job speaking to clients and giving them loads of extra time, but here he is using that time to just talk about himself, which is not usually how it works...

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think just depends on the type of person you are whether you end up telling the stylist your problems or she tells you hers, or whether it may be a bit of both.

I guess the trainer here feels very comfortable with the OP, so has opened up to her.

He may feel it is all part of his job speaking to clients and giving them loads of extra time, but here he is using that time to just talk about himself, which is not usually how it works...

 

No part of this is how it works :laugh:.

 

At least with a stylist much of your time is just sitting down so it makes sense why thet have so much time to talk. When you're exercising you shouldn't have much time for deep personal convos and certainly it shouldn't be as the OP says where sometimes they don't even pick up a weight or actually train. He is definitely unprofessional and she's wasting her money. She likes him so didn't mine until she realized he was unreliable and may not be interested, but it should bother anyone if they're paying for a service and they don't receive it and it becomes listening to the service provider's problems.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I honestly had initially thought he was into me which is why he wanted to talk to me for so long about everything...like he felt a connection or something. But it became abundantly clear that wasn't the case when he never communicated with me outside of the training, forgot about our training times, and forget to follow up with me when he said he would call or text. It showed that I never even crossed his mind, even regarding the personal training stuff I was paying him to do. Kinda a hard blow for me, especially when we've talked about such deep personal things. Lame I know

 

Recently I've not been engaging in convo and he keeps asking me if something is wrong or keeps trying to engage me. And all I can think is how I don't want to talk to anyone that I mean absolutely nothing to.

 

Plus he's a crappy trainer

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

I fired him today. I texted him all the things he said he would do but never did. He said that he was going through a really hard time right now and that's why....he came off as so glib.

 

I know that no matter what is going on in my life, I don't let anything mess with my money so I don't get where he's coming from. He's also told me several times he's struggling financially so....

 

Also told him that obviously we aren't cool. He's said to me a couple of times that he thought of me as more than a client. I believed him at first but his actions proved otherwise. When I said that, he said he wanted to call me the next day so we could talk about it. I told him no, it wasn't necessary. I knew because. 1.he probably wasn't going to call me and 2. He probably was just going to sweet talk me with a bunch of bs

 

He never responded to me after that. I felt really bad. I guess I cant even pay someone to not ignore and forget about me. Crazy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I fired him today. I texted him all the things he said he would do but never did. He said that he was going through a really hard time right now and that's why....he came off as so glib.

 

I know that no matter what is going on in my life, I don't let anything mess with my money so I don't get where he's coming from. He's also told me several times he's struggling financially so....

 

Also told him that obviously we aren't cool. He's said to me a couple of times that he thought of me as more than a client. I believed him at first but his actions proved otherwise. When I said that, he said he wanted to call me the next day so we could talk about it. I told him no, it wasn't necessary. I knew because. 1.he probably wasn't going to call me and 2. He probably was just going to sweet talk me with a bunch of bs

 

He never responded to me after that. I felt really bad. I guess I cant even pay someone to not ignore and forget about me. Crazy.

 

Good for you!

 

People will experience tough times at work. You still have to do your job. Fake a smile. Take time off from work.

 

Yep, don't let things mess with your ability/job to get that money! I like that.

 

I try to provide good customer service at my job. When I take my earned money to another business and they provide poor customer service, I'll let it slide, but if it continues, game on.

 

Good for you, paying attention to the action(s)! Yep, they are the truest indicators, not words.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
azlightsout
It makes me feel bad that I am completely irrelevant in his "real life". Am I wrong for feeling this way?

 

we all get rejected honey - no biggie - be an adult about it and move on -- no need to throw a temper tantrum

Edited by azlightsout
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...
  • Author

So I fired him as my trainer a couple of months back. In a nice way and he said he was appreciative of my feedback and understood. Over the last couple of months he's asked me to do things with him but has not followed through Its been so strange.

 

He keeps asking me to work out with him as friends and because he misses the conversation. We set something up, he backs out the last minute for a multitude of reasons. He suggests another time. Repeat. He said he wanted to get a drink for his birthday, never hit me up. He said he wanted me to help him with his schoolwork, like literally chased me down in the gym to ask me this but then never contacted me about it.

 

I don't understand why he acts like this as he is the one initiating, and then backing out. It's insane. I'm thinking about cutting him off all together as this does not feel awesome

Link to post
Share on other sites

He just sounds exactly like someone who is juggling a lot of people. If it's not that, he's too disorganized and inconsiderate to keep friends.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why are you bothering with him?

 

The first time he backed out you should have just kept your distance. Stop giving him the time of day. He is not interested in you and your acceptance of his invitations after his flakiness make you appear desperate. Cut contact.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...